Skeleton Man (2004)

A hooded skeletal creature is killing people in the woods near a research base. A team of soldiers, lead by Captain Leary (Michael Rooker), is sent in to find and destroy this creature. Unfortunately, this creature is the possessed spirit of a mad Native American warrior and is virtually unstoppable. It is up to the surviving members of Leary’s team to find a way to destroy the creature.

This disaster of a movie was directed by longtime stuntman and first time director, Johnny Martin. The dialogue is laughable, the plot is inane, and the performances from the actors lack any personality or gumption. The film contains some brief gory moments but nothing outstanding. There is a nasty exploding head, impalements, and even a grotesque (yet half-assed) pit of bodies. Even the gratuitous machinegun fire and explosions can’t make Skeleton Man even remotely exciting.

There are an uncountable number of opportunities for viewers to go “huh?” and “what?” during the film. At around 45 minutes, the film’s already shaky narrative completely breaks down when Casper Van Dien’s (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow) stunt double goes for a little joyride in a tractor trailer which results in a nice explosion. I can’t imagine Van Dien being too busy to be filmed driving a truck. But sure enough, shots of a faceless stunt actor and shots of Van Dien making faces from different parts of the film are intercut into this unholy abomination of a scene.

Now onto the creature that terrorizes the protagonists (and viewers) of Skeleton Man. First of all, there’s nothing scary about a monster in a shiny black polyester bonnet and cape ensemble. Also, despite the silliness of the creature’s mask, there are shots in the film where the actor’s nose can be seen where the skeleton’s nasal cavity should be. And finally, the whole Predator thing really hurts the film. For instance, the skeletal creature can cloak (or perhaps it’s teleporting?) and the POV shots through the creature’s eyes are very familiar (complete with what appears to be thermal vision).

Skeleton Man will horrify but not in the way that it was intended to. This movie may turn up on someone’s guilty pleasure list due to the fact that it is so mistake laden and logic free. And of course, it features an unmitigated Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Shadow Builder) running rampant throughout the film as the rugged (and more than just a little nutty) Captain Leary. So, if you think you’re man enough to take on a bewildering plot and embarrassingly trite dialogue (as well as ludicrous action sequences and vapid special effects), then try Skeleton Man on for size.