Comedy horror

Beauty Queen Butcher (1991)

Poor compulsive eater Phyllis Loden (played by Rhona Brody). She is the butt of every joke in her high school. Her only friend (and fellow nerd), Paul (Matthew Speak), encourages Phyllis to pursue her dream of winning the Miss Slough Queen Pageant. Unfortunately, the chips are stacked against her as the pageant organizer, Betty Prunish (Jim Boggess), is appalled that such an unlikely contestant would dare enter her beauty pageant. Prunish encourages the cruelties of the other, more desirable contestants to get her to drop out. However, the other girls push her too far and Phyllis goes on a rampage, killing anyone who stands in way of her donning the crown of Miss Slough Queen.

Oh man, with a mean streak that is about a mile wide, Beauty Queen Butcher is a rough one. Guilt, bemusement, embarrassment, laughter, and boredom; all of these can be yours, dear viewer. This film’s biggest flaw is its nearly 2 hour running time. Economy of storytelling is not one of director/co-writer Jill Zurborg’s strongest points. While it moves along at a fairly decent pace, it takes over an hour before any (nearly gore-free) butchering takes place.

One of my favorite gags that was old even back in 1991, the unacknowledged transvestite, is alive and well here in Beauty Queen Butcher. Betty Prunish played quite ingratiatingly by Jim Boggess is quite an awful sight to behold even for the legally blind. Phyllis and Paul are well played by Rhona Brody and Matthew Speak. There is an odd concoction of self-pity, psychotic grandeur, and romantic tension happening here. Hey Paul, could you stop being such an enabler? Phyllis doesn’t need pizza or Twinkies, she needs love!

The rest of the cast is game for this strange flick. One of the things that adds to the running time are all the evil high school girls who stand in Phyllis’s way. We get to watch as she eliminates them all, one by one. All of these folks are funny but man, we need to get moving here. Actually, the only character I could have totally done without is the milk-guzzling private eye, Dick Richards.

Beauty Queen Butcher is a tongue-in-cheek and politically incorrect horror comedy if there ever was one. It is some sweet early 90s goodness that will most likely develop a bigger fan base now that it has made it to DVD. The film delivers that sickening sheen that only a shot-on-video flick can with a low budget charm that never backs down. While I’ll never be able to let the 2 hour running time bit go, I have to admit that I’ve been won over by the sad tale of Phyliss Loden. Now pass the Twinkies.

“Smooth movie, fatty!”

Frankenstein 90

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Frankenstein 90 (1984)

Set in France’s near future, Victor Frankenstein (Jean Rochefort) is stealing body parts from the government lab where he works in order to complete his monster. With the help of a corrupt police inspector (Ged Marlon) he finally obtains the final body part he needs. Once he succeeds in bringing his monster named Frank (Eddy Mitchell) to life, he tries to teach him manners and how to behave in proper society.

Victor’s girlfriend, Elizabeth (Fiona Gélin), discovers what Victor has done and together they build Frank a mate named Adelaide (Herma Vos). But Frank isn’t satisfied with their creation and he goes on a rampage in the city, only to disappear afterwards. Victor, Elizabeth, and Adelaide travel to Castle Frankenstein in Germany with hopes to bring Frank back before he does any more damage.

This French horror comedy is as surprising as it is hilarious. Alain Jessua is a fine director and pays homage to the earlier Frankenstein films by poking fun at them wherever he can. The sets are intricate and the effects (although restrained) are superb. The movie is impeccably filmed with nearly flawless cinematography and good lighting.

The actors are all adept at comedy. The lovely Herma Vos is great as Adelaide, the spurned “bride of Frankenstein”. Jean Rochefort is unlike any Dr. Frankenstein I’ve ever seen. He’s more interested in teaching Frank proper table manners and how to drive than announcing his discovery to the scientific community.

Much of the film’s charm comes from Eddy Mitchell’s portrayal as Frank. Instead of a lumbering beast with bolts sticking out of his neck, this Frankenstein monster is just this really ugly French guy in blue jeans and a sweater. Despite having the capacity of a child, Frank is well-spoken and often bored with the world around him instead of intensely curious. It takes a fine comic actor to take this character where it goes and Mitchell does one hell of a job.

Frankenstein 90 twists the Frankenstein legend wherever it can. Much of the humor is subtle but breaks out into slapstick at the right (and usually totally unexpected) moments. This is definitely not a straight horror film with almost none of the heavy atmosphere one expects from Frankenstein films. The music is corny AM funk removing the last traces of seriousness from the whole affair.

I can’t help but recommend Frankenstein 90. Be warned, if you don’t like French style comedy, this may get under your skin. However, the humor here has a very dark tone and can get quite wicked in some places, so horror fans shouldn’t have to test their patience too much. This also has one of the most outlandish satirical endings I’ve ever seen delivered with such a deadpan expression.

Wood Chipper Massacre

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Wood Chipper Massacre (1989)

When dad goes on a business trip, he leaves Aunt Tess (Patricia McBride) in charge of his three kids for the weekend. John (Jon McBride), the oldest, is doing some yard work and is using the woodchipper (heh heh heh) to take care of some dead branches. Denise (Denice Edeal), the middle kid, is more concerned with her crush on a boy than anything else. And Tom (Tom Casiello), the youngest, is eagerly awaiting his mail order survival knife.

Much to the three kids’ dismay, Aunt Tess turns out to be a total battleaxe. She tries to get the kids into shape by attacking how their father has raised them since their mother died. John and his siblings put up with her as best they can until Tom accidentally stabs Aunt Tess to death. The three decide to dispose of her body with the woodchipper. Everything is about to return back to normal when Aunt Tess’s deadbeat son, Kim (Kim Bailey) turns up looking for money to pay off his gambling debts.

I think every kid has accidentally stabbed an unpleasant relative to death and then shoved the body into a conveniently-placed woodchipper at least once in their lives. It’s a common “coming of age” moment that everyone can relate to. Well, maybe not but Woodchipper Massacre makes it all look so easy and so dang fun. Jon McBride (Cannibal Campout, Among Us) directs this very 80s shot-on-video horror film. The soundtrack is wildly silly, the gore effects are nearly nonexistent, the acting is strictly after school drama club (even the adults), and the budget is miniscule at best. However, Woodchipper Massacre has got a bizarre charm that is as hard to deny as it is to identify.

I can’t help but love the cast on this one. Denice Edeal and Tom Casiello both missed their calling on “You Can’t Do That On Television”. Edeal makes up for lack of experience on camera by shouting her lines and forcing her every facial expression to the breaking point. Awesome. Tom Casiello is the 80s Everykid (perhaps just a little more geeky) and is easily the one having the most fun on camera. Jon McBride plays eldest brother John pretty well but his mom, Patricia McBride, really steals the show. Aunt Tess is one of those unnerving characters that you just want to strangle the minute they open their mouths.

Woodchipper Massacre is quite entertaining with only a few missteps in the pacing. The film takes a little while to get going but the 80s vibe certainly saves it for me during these (thankfully) short stretches of awkwardness. While essentially free from gore and exploitation (other than the lurid title and bloody cover art), the film is actually funny and charming. The interaction of three “kids”, McBride, Edeal, and Casiello, helps add to the sitcom feel which actually makes the film an even stranger experience. I can’t get over the ballsiness of McBride and company to actually put a heartwarming and decidedly happy ending on this one.

“Call that little tramp and tell her to corrupt somebody else tonight!”

 

The Stewardess

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The Stewardess (2002)

Ken Ma (Sam Lee) gets lucky one night (or so he thinks) when he meets the beautiful airline stewardess, Apple (San San Lee). After what Ken thinks is a one night stand, Apple takes charge and brings him to meet her father who just happens to be the notorious Dragon, leader of the Triad gang. Dragon threatens Ken with castration if he doesn’t stay faithful to Apple. Despite constant surveillance under not only his new girlfriend but from the Triads as well, Ken actually manages to cheat on Apple with another airline stewardess, this time a Japanese one named Yurei (played by Seina Kasugai). Of course, Apple finds out about Ken’s indiscretion and tells her father. Thinking his situation can’t get any worse Ken quickly realizes that the Triads and the spiteful Apple are the least of his worries. Now, Armed with a butcher knife, a meat cleaver, and a sharpened toy airplane, the seemingly unstoppable and very psychotic Yurei is hot on his heels.

This hilarious horror comedy from director Tak-Sam Leong happens to be one of my favorites. The plot is constructed just enough to keep the laughs coming and would have been disastrous had it been meant to be a serious horror film. Every time something remotely creepy or serious happens it only takes a moment before the wackiness returns ten fold. Director Leong Tak Sam uses time-lapse photography, slow motion, split-screen, freeze-frame, and digital effects to convey its story, which is completely ridiculous and satirical from the first frame to its tongue in cheek ending.

The cast is completely at home in this comedy. Miss Hong Kong 1996, San San Lee (My Left Eye Sees Ghosts) plays the bitchy Apple almost too well as she treats Ken like a slave from the first moment of their relationship. Yiu-Cheng Lai (Human Pork Chop) is hilarious as Ken Ma’s sleazy friend, George, and whose best scene is when he goes home with the most unattractive girl at the bar. Even Suet Lam (Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters, The God of Cookery) makes the most of his small part as Uncle Fatty, the Triads best but laziest torturer and coercer, with some great moments of improvisational comedy.

Seina Kasugai’s Yurei is a very interesting character. Obviously new to film acting, the gorgeous Kasugai does her best to portray a complete lunatic with only brief moments of seriousness. It would be an understatement to say that she overdoes her role because I suspect that was what was asked of her. Yurei cackles, giggles, screams, and gibbers through her scenes more and more maniacally as the film reaches its conclusion. This may get on some viewers’ nerves but in a film that’s already nuts, she isn’t out of place at all in my book. Kasugai even manages to tone things down during the few effectively creepy moments the film has to offer.

The real star of the film is the super talented Sam Lee (who played Crazy Bee in Bio Zombie). This odd looking fellow is a great comic actor that makes every scene he’s in completely memorable. Ken is such a jackass that you can’t help but root for him. The montage after he finally manages to cheat on Apple is incredible. The whole film turns into a bad beer commercial and Lee doesn’t miss a beat. He keeps getting himself into more and more trouble and you’ll ask yourself “How many times can this guy get the crap beat out of him in one movie?”

The Stewardess is an awesome comedy and a pretty crappy horror movie but I think that’s the point. There is no nudity and very little gore but this very entertaining flick isn’t hurt by any of that one bit. Sam Lee’s performance alone is worth the watch. The DVDs of this film have been difficult to obtain since there were some legal issues concerning its release but I can’t stress enough that the folks that go the extra distance to find this flick will be in for a treat. Oh yeah, and you’ll get enough gangster nipple twisting to last you a lifetime.

Theatre of Blood

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Theatre of Blood (1973)

Vincent Price plays Edward Lionheart, a Shakespearean actor whose failed career drove him to suicide. When he manages to survive, Lionheart uses the fact that the world thinks he is dead to return and seek revenge on the members of the circle of critics that gave him scathing reviews. As the members of the critic circle begin to drop dead in the manner of the great death scenes of Shakespeare, it is clear that Edward Lionheart is alive and well and must be stopped.

Douglas Hickox does a wonderful directing job on this fun horror film. The action flows like clockwork and keeps the viewers attention throughout. Wolfgang Suschitzky’s cinematography is excellent and he is able to sneak in some odd angles wherever he can in this mad movie. Even the set designs in the old theater that Lionheart hides out in are eye-catching. My only complaint of the film is an unnecessary fencing sequence featuring an obvious stunt double for Price.

The real star of this absolute blast of dark humor and Shakespearean horror is Vincent Price. He commands attention and delivers during all of his screen time. Price changes costume multiple times and manages to step in and out of different characters at the drop of a hat. His most impressive (and bizarre) scene comes when Lionheart washes up on a muddy riverbank after attempting to commit suicide and wakes up in a scene that plays out like the rebirth of his character.

The rest of the cast is perfect in their roles. The gorgeous and versatile Diana Rigg plays Edwina Lionheart, a woman loyal only to her father. Ian Hendry (Repulsion) plays Peregrine Devlin, the leader of the circle of critics. He keeps his part subtle, allowing the rest of the cast to go bonkers. Lionheart’s troupe of hobos is one of the most bizarre aspects of the cast. They follow his every command but manage to both mock and worship him whenever they can.

Theatre of Blood is an excellent horror film that can be enjoyed whether or not you’re a fan of Vincent Price. It is full of ironic death scenes, creative gore set pieces, dark comedy, and more Shakespearean references than you can shake a stick at. Price was quoted as saying this is his favorite of his film roles and it definitely shows. Also, if you ever wanted to see Price in an afro wig, then this is your movie.

Bad Girls from Mars

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Bad Girls from Mars (1990)

Bad Girls from Mars is marketed as a sci-fi T&A spoof but in reality, it’s about the making of a sci-fi T&A spoof. A film crew making the titular (emphasis on the ‘tit’) film is beset with problems as each of their leading ladies dies under mysterious circumstances. TJ the director (played by Oliver Darrow) is at his wits’ end trying to get the production under control and it isn’t helped at all by the slimy producers and its awful leading man Richard Trent (John Richardson). Trent’s girlfriend and wardrobe girl, Myra (Brinke Stevens), offers to fill the role but the producers have someone else in mind already: Emanuelle Fortes (Edy Williams), ditzy blonde bombshell and queen of sex. Now the killer is after Emanuelle and is quite happy to leave a trail of corpses along the way to his prize.

Once I realized that this movie wasn’t a spoof but a spoof of a spoof, I kind of settled down a little bit. In fact, for the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was ready to bail on Bad Girls from Mars. Then Brinke Stevens shows up and I realized why I was there in the first place. Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), the American maestro of cheese, directs this kooky flick which references Ed Wood (repeatedly) and spoofs The Happy Hooker. Filled with continuity errors (intentional, I think), goofy sound effects, knee-slapping one liners, and insanely gratuitous nudity, Bad Girls from Mars is pretty darn entertaining.

Edy Williams (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is pretty outrageous here as sex goddess Emanuelle. She looks a little worn out but her overdone breathiness just works. The best bit comes when Emanuelle goes to a convenience store to ask for help after she narrowly escapes the killer. She doesn’t notice that the place is in the middle of a stickup; hilarious hijinks ensue. Oliver Darrow (Teenage Exorcist) makes for a likeable guy who has that annoying problem of women throwing themselves at him. Aw, poor guy. And of course, we have Brinke Stevens of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Haunting Fear as Myra, the plucky wardrobe girl. One of the film’s strangest asides happens when, while the crew is filming a scene for the sci-fi movie, the camera suddenly pans to the left and we see Brinke in some lingerie smiling like a cat and cracking a whip. Then the camera pans back to the scene at hand. It’s weird, it’s pointless, and it’s genius.

Bad Girls from Mars definitely surprised me. I was expecting one thing that would not have been as good as what this turned out to be. Wait, what was that? If you don’t like corny jokes and a parade of silicone then stay far away from this flick. I went from thinking I would turn this off after 5 minutes to catching myself laughing out loud at some real zingers. If nothing else stick around for the climax when the heroes are only seconds away from rescuing the damsel in distress but decide to stop for burgers and pizza. It’s good for a larf, let me tells ya.

SPOILERS (and some trivia)

According to IMDB, Bad Girls from Mars was shot in 5 days. Hmm, I could see that. The site also says that Fred Olen Ray had to cut 8 minutes of material before the film could be released including a kiss between Brinke Stevens and Edy Williams. Hmm, moderately interesting. Okay, onto the spoiler stuff. So it turns out that Brinke Stevens is the killer. I was going to accuse this movie of not having enough Brinke in my review but then she gets a great speech at the end about her motives for killing people and chasing after Emanuelle. Next thing you know, she has a grenade in her mouth and all’s well that ends well.

“There’s no room on Mars for limp dicks!”