Terrible crap

Kibakichi 2

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Kibakichi 2 (2004)

Sakuramaru (Masakatsu Funaki), a renegade samurai, is cutting his way through the countryside and anyone who stands in his way. He is more than happy to cross paths with Kibakichi (Ryuuji Harada) because he has finally found a worthy opponent. Anju (Miki Tanka), another werewolf samurai, interrupts their battle by trying to kill Kibakichi herself in order to get revenge for her monster family. Kibakichi is injured and is cared for by a young blind woman named Tokoko (Aimi Nakajima) in a nearby village. A new threat emerges when three monsters decide to take over and all concerned parties are dragged into yet another Yokai war.

Kibakichi 2 opens promisingly enough with Sakuramaru cutting down an entire city with his sword but before long, the film slows to a crawl. There is plenty of swordplay and some monster action (needs more please) but the spark is definitely gone this time around. A melodramatic departure is always welcome (that’s just me) but not one as flat as the one here. The pacing of this film is terrible making the 80 minute running time feel like several hours. There are too many cheap shortcuts in the effects department that really stand out. There are fewer monsters in Kibakichi 2 than in the first film so the rubbery masks stick out even worse. Samurais attack with mouths full of fake blood, are cut down, and then spray their bloody spittle into the air.

The returning cast (Ryuuji Harada and Miki Tanaka) seems bored with the material but some of the new faces are up for the task. Masakatsu Funaki (Godzilla: Final Wars) is great as the Sakuramaru, the bloodthirsty berserker swordsman. Aimi Nakajima is also good as the sweet (and very cute) Tokoko who gets caught up in all the intrigue. As for Ryuuji Harada (Izo, Pyrokinesis), he takes the already stoic character of Kibakichi and makes him into a sleepwalker through much of the film. Miki Tanaka plays Anju as though she was constipated and just can’t seem to get into the battle scenes.

Kibakichi 2 is a big disappointment after the unbridled insanity of the first film. Not to say that Kibakichi 2 is your average flick. Oh no. Anyone who watches the samurai werewolf ballet sequence at the film’s climax won’t believe for a second that there is anyone even remotely normal behind the camera. Speaking of the samurai werewolf ballet, this is one of the weirdest and most endearingly pathetic filmic disasters I’ve ever seen. While witnessing this spectacle I felt was teetering on edge of madness. In fact, this scene is probably the only reason to sit through this movie. I just don’t know anymore.

I hate to compare a sequel to its predecessor this blatantly but while looking for, at best, a good companion piece or, at worst, an entertaining diversion, I found neither. Kibakichi 2 is brought down by its molasses pacing, sleepy cast, and restraint of the craziness that made the first film so much fun. Who knows what happened between the two films but my only hope now is that there won’t be a third.

Sex of the Witch

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Sex of the Witch (1973)

The Hilton family has just lost its patriarch and now the kids are fighting over the big inheritance. Someone has taken the initiative to kill the family off so that their chunk of the cash is bigger than everyone else’s. By using a set of Javanese fingernail covers (?), the killer has managed to harness the power to hypnotize people or something like that.

Why am I being punished? Oh yeah, I actually went looking for this junk. Just by the title alone, I knew that I was going to get screwed by Sex of the Witch (AKA Il sesso della strega) but I didn’t know just how screwed. The film is a supernatural giallo with a weak inheritance scheme disguised as a plot. Daniele Patucchi’s musical score is pretty with its warbling piano pieces and the castle scenery is nice. Unfortunately, there are very few locations, mostly dull lighting and only occasionally inspired cinematography; so the film gets very dull to look at very quickly. At a hippie party/concert, some colored filters are used to liven things up but the scene is so useless, it’s a wasted effort.

The cast is populated by some lovely ladies including Camille Keaton (Tragic Ceremony) and Marzia Damon (Evil Face), but the characters are so indistinct that it’s impossible to care about them or keep track of what’s going on. It almost seems as if there is footage missing or scenes are out of order. Sex of the Witch is just incompetent filmmaking at its most irritating but some very, very desperate viewers might get a kick out of some this flick’s sleazy weirdness.

Ugh, this supernatural giallo is exactly the trashy Eurotrash softcore crapfest that I thought it was going to be but just less interesting. Sure there are hilarious internal monologues, some bouts of pseudoscience and a dog named Twinky but this is just a mess. I’d call the film mildly diverting but that might be too generous. Sex of the Witch is just a baffling murder mystery with lots of sex and a little violence that is impossible to figure out, even if one wanted to. And trust me, no one is gonna want to. For an even more confusing yet actually entertaining giallo, check out In the Folds of the Flesh.

“If you read our entire family history, you’d arrest us all!”

Skeleton Man

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Skeleton Man (2004)

A hooded skeletal creature is killing people in the woods near a research base. A team of soldiers, lead by Captain Leary (Michael Rooker), is sent in to find and destroy this creature. Unfortunately, this creature is the possessed spirit of a mad Native American warrior and is virtually unstoppable. It is up to the surviving members of Leary’s team to find a way to destroy the creature.

This disaster of a movie was directed by longtime stuntman and first time director, Johnny Martin. The dialogue is laughable, the plot is inane, and the performances from the actors lack any personality or gumption. The film contains some brief gory moments but nothing outstanding. There is a nasty exploding head, impalements, and even a grotesque (yet half-assed) pit of bodies. Even the gratuitous machinegun fire and explosions can’t make Skeleton Man even remotely exciting.

There are an uncountable number of opportunities for viewers to go “huh?” and “what?” during the film. At around 45 minutes, the film’s already shaky narrative completely breaks down when Casper Van Dien’s (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow) stunt double goes for a little joyride in a tractor trailer which results in a nice explosion. I can’t imagine Van Dien being too busy to be filmed driving a truck. But sure enough, shots of a faceless stunt actor and shots of Van Dien making faces from different parts of the film are intercut into this unholy abomination of a scene.

Now onto the creature that terrorizes the protagonists (and viewers) of Skeleton Man. First of all, there’s nothing scary about a monster in a shiny black polyester bonnet and cape ensemble. Also, despite the silliness of the creature’s mask, there are shots in the film where the actor’s nose can be seen where the skeleton’s nasal cavity should be. And finally, the whole Predator thing really hurts the film. For instance, the skeletal creature can cloak (or perhaps it’s teleporting?) and the POV shots through the creature’s eyes are very familiar (complete with what appears to be thermal vision).

Skeleton Man will horrify but not in the way that it was intended to. This movie may turn up on someone’s guilty pleasure list due to the fact that it is so mistake laden and logic free. And of course, it features an unmitigated Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Shadow Builder) running rampant throughout the film as the rugged (and more than just a little nutty) Captain Leary. So, if you think you’re man enough to take on a bewildering plot and embarrassingly trite dialogue (as well as ludicrous action sequences and vapid special effects), then try Skeleton Man on for size.

Slaughterhouse Rock

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Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of “Indian medicine men”. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

Doomed Discussiethon: Curse of the Headless Horseman

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Curse of the Headless Horseman
Directed by Leonard Kirtman
Released: 1974
Starring Marland Proctor, Claudia Reame, Don Carrara, Lydia Rosenbloom
Running Time: 78 minutes

The Plot:

Mark Callahan (played by Marland Proctor), a young physician, was just informed by his family’s attorney that his uncle died, leaving him a ranch. The stipulation of the will is that Mark has to get the ranch to turn a profit in six months or he loses the rights to the property. So Mark, his hippie friends, and his fiance Brenda (Claudia Reame) head out to the old place to check it out. It turns out that the old ranch is a historical shitpile, complete with gun-toting reenactors. But wait, there’s more! The ranch also comes with a creepy old caretaker and semi-professional doomsayer named Solomon (B.G. Fisher) who tells a creepy (yet totally vague) tale about a headless horseman.

One of the hippies (the fat one with huge (not acting) chops) gets an idea about how Mark can turn the old ranch into a tourist hotspot by having their talentless selves perform for the sad amusement and patronizing entertainment of tourists. No sooner is this super plan put into action that a headless horseman shows up terrorizing and bringing about the deaths of some hippies. Who is this mysterious headless messenger of death? Is he a supernatural being from Hades or does this joker just want to scare the Deadheads off the property for some other reason?

Richard: Since it was my idea to watch this fucking thing, I will start. I first found out about Curse of the Headless Horseman when I got the DVD for a dollar at the Big Top Flea Market. When I got it home, I noticed that I already owned the dang thing in one of my Mill Creek 50 horror movie packs. The whole experience was pretty far out, man. That is hippie talk for when something quasi-ironic happens. The movie sat on my shelf for a couple months, staring at me, challenging my pathetic 21st century masculinity. I knew I couldn’t do this alone, so I suggested to Brad that we watch it together but apart and then talk about it.

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The first thing about Curse is the absolutely atrocious shape the Mill Creek DVD is in. After a few minutes, I threw in my Alpha Video copy hoping to find something a little easier on the eyes. It worked but I felt guilty because I knew that Brad would probably go blind slogging through the Mill Creek one. The second thing about this film is the amazing narration. Before the film even truly starts you can hear some garbled reverb-heavy voice babbling about something. I was instantly intrigued. Once you can understand what the narrator is saying, he still isn’t very helpful with all of his heavy-handed ponderings. We are introduced to Mark his lovely lady Brenda for about two seconds before we end up at a bar where some terrible hippies are dancing to a bad version of “La Bamba”, eating pizza, and fighting over a chick. Wait a second! Since when do hippies fight over anything?

Brad: I thought at first my TV or DVD player was broken with the weird, blurry double image. Luckily this was just a stylish decision by our director to let us know we are in for a groovy time. And as far as the pizza goes, those hippies snatch it up like it was laced with LSD or at least patchouli flavored. When Mark explains about the will and it’s codicil, I thought, “This guy is a doctor AND has a working knowledge of the law? He is pretty together for a guy who hangs out with hippies.” It is as this point Mark invites all the hippies out to the ranch and as we arrive the narrator informs us that Mark is “living in the silence between ticks of a clock.” That’s when I knew we were in for a rollicking good time. My wife, at this point was not yet sold on it.

Richard: You see? That’s why you’re brave. I knew if I sprung this flick on my lady, we’d be headed for divorce, for reals. I can’t believe Mark said codicil instead of the English word condition when explaining to a bunch of illiterate mongrels about his inheritance. I think this is how he dominates their minds with those big words. You know what word I hate? Caveat. It also means condition. Why can’t people just speak American!?! Anyway, early on in the movie, I was bewitched by Mark’s fiance Brenda. She actually said the phrase: “Penny for your thoughts?” Be still my throbbing heart. I think more women in more movies about horseless headmen should only speak in asinine frivolities.

Brad: Oh, the divorce is pending. I chalk it up to the Curse of the Headless Horseman, the film and the actual curse. In Brenda’s first couple of scenes, I too thought she was a cutie. Anyway, can we talk about the rape scene? I thought hippies were all about peace and love, man. What is even worse is two hippie peeping toms are checking out the whole thing while some sub Carly Simon song about Genghis Khan is playing. My wife was forming a sure opinion at this point. And you are totally right about the transfer. Mill Creek spared no expense with the deluxe treatment. My copy looks like a 9th generation VHS dub that was stored in a working fishtank then tied, dangling off the back of the delivery truck, and drug to wherever they assemble these cheap sets that I love. So I apologize if I am at times as murky as the film is.

Richard: Duder, I was afraid to talk about the rape scene because it made me feel conflicted. First of all, we are dealing with some pretty half-assed hippies here. First with the brawling and then with the raping. Free love isn’t something you take, free love is something you have to buy with pot or ren fest admission fee. Secondly, the worst thing about the rape scene is that John The Rapist actually wins the heart of Lydia The Victim. Their entire relationship is built on unwanted advances and normally that works out for everyone involved but not this time. Jeez, I wasn’t going to talk about this now but I think this movie needs a new title. Instead of Curse of the Headless Horseman, it should be called The Ranch Where Innocence Died. I’ll go into more of this later. What did you think of Solomon, the caretaker?

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Brad: Oh Solomon the caretaker. What a multi-faceted character. When the hippies congregated in the auditorium for a little impromptu improv from the characters that thanks to horrible audio I will call Mickey Mouse and ZAP (I never caught their names but that is what is on their shirts) and the fat hippie declares that this is obviously THE plan to save the ranch, that is when Soloman and I became friends. He hates drama. And seeing him closer up while he relates the nonsensical curse which I didn’t understand I took a good look at him. His face is very dirty. I don’t know if it is actual dirt or makeup but that is when it hit me: This is a real life Scooby Doo episode. Hippies, ghosts, rape. It all fits. I figured at some point he would take off his mask and Solomon would be revealed as Old Man Johnson or Chuck Mangione. Before we get any further, what did you make of Lee Byers, wandering minstrel?

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Richard: I liked that Lee Byers played himself because that’s all any man can do, am I right? I was actually trying to follow along with the lyrics of his song but it was a fruitless venture. His song is better than any of the substandard acoustic hippie folk in the rest of the soundtrack. And Solomon’s face isn’t dirty, that’s method acting and he’s a walkin’ talkin’ foreshadowin’ machine. The guy in the “ZAP” shirt is Randy, my favorite character (next to Brenda, of course). He gets hassled a lot in this movie. Randy is the first to have blood thrown on him by the headless horseman. And his reaction is perfect: he gets annoyed and a little whiny. This headless horseman isn’t cutting people’s heads off, he’s just a prankster with a bad sense of humor.

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Speaking of Scooby Doo-esque red herrings, what is up with The Baroness (played by Ultra Violet)? She shows up with a Superman lunchbox and a vaguely European male companion pretending to be a tourist. And then just when you think she may be involved in this horseman conspiracy, she lets out a bloodcurdling scream when Solomon looks in the window, and that’s the last we see of her. Though the director wasted her talents, The Baroness made the most of her screen time. I did like the reenactors who stage those shootouts every day in honor of some vaguely historical event. I was trying to follow that flashback with all the bloody squibs and what the hell the horseman had to do with any of this shit but I don’t think the narrative was very strong. How about that first death though? The chick in the boots gets blood thrown on her, goes bonkers, and runs in front of a speeding RV or something. That was good stuff.

Brad: I am so relieved that you enjoyed Lee Byers awesome music. Expect a Lee Byers Greatest Hits CD come August. I also didn’t understand a word he sang. I like the fact that he put his name on the guitar as I can only imagine how many times Lee Majors ran off with the wrong guitar. Speaking of peripheral characters there are a couple I’d like to mention. One is the girl who says, “I’ll speak to the gods for you. I often speak to the gods for my friends.” I thought whoa, this is going in a new direction. But that’s all we see of her as far as I could tell. A rare missed opportunity for this film. The other is Yo-Yo, the girl who “ZAP” Randy goes to for laundry advice with his blood spattered shirt. She suggests pre-soaking and I wrote that down for my next bloodstained laundry issue.

Speaking of the story of the Curse of the Headless Horseman, I too had no idea what the jibberish was about. The narrator says at the first that 8 men killed the Horseman but then in the flashback the gunslingers break into 2 groups of 4 and have a shootout, killing each other. Not too far from where I live we have a Wild West town and amusement park called Guntown Mountain. I went when I was a kid and while I did see some shootouts, I do not remember if one of them got up and became The Headless Horseman. I can do some checking though. The hippies do not seem to be scared by this nonsensical story, I think all the drugs they were on may have been a contributing factor and Solomon seems a bit annoyed that they are not taking this bloodcurdling tale to heart.

The Baroness’ appearance is where this film raises itself from a cheapo film to a truly surreal cheapo film. One of the hippies goes running through the ranch screaming about rich tourists arriving and The Baroness strolls through with a Superman lunchbox. I know that lunchbox is full of gold. Her offer to buy the place seems totally outlandish but would be a good way for Mark to get out from under his burden of having to run the world’s first Hippie Cowboy Ranch. He declines her offer and only then does Brenda helpfully offer that The Baroness is the richest burlesque queen in the world, worth millions. That would have been good to know a minute ago Brenda since The Baroness looked like just your run of the mill crazy bag lady.

After suffering cruel humiliation and the degradation of his shirt by the hands of The Horseman, Randy actually gets shot while the resident gunslinger reenactor is goofing around. I found it hilarious that this accident is blamed on the spooky story and Solomon, while Solomon blames it on the tomahawk moon. Or the Tamal moon. I never did understand. But it’s about then that a character I called Harmonica shows up. I think his name was John. What are your thoughts on John?

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Richard: I actually wrote in my notes: “Ask yourself this: Where was I when Randy was shot?” When he talks Mark out of reporting the little shooting incident to the cops might have been my favorite scene involving Randy. And did you mean John The Rapist? Because I think he and John The Harmonicist are the same person. I like how he kept a joint in his harmonica case. Then the fucking guy finds a nugget of gold and tries to take the place off of Mark’s hands. Mark is all like, “I don’t even own the place yet, you tie dye wearin’ harmonica blowin’ rapist pile of hippie shit!” And this is what is so annoying about this movie, characters like Yo-Yo and The Baroness get introduced and then cast aside while total fuckwads like John get to move the storyline. Then his poor lady, Lydia The Victim, gets a dose of LSD from the horseman and dies. Well, I think she dies. The movie gets all trippy and then she just sort of falls over. I love this scene by the way.

If you do hook me up with a Best of Lee Byers mixtape, I need you to put the rest of the soundtrack on there for me. The musical score for Curse is so amazing with its rickety organ, ethereal guitar, and freaky old synthesizer bits. These tiny moments of brilliance go great with the color filters and lightning fast editing during the dreamy sequences which themselves are delivered so crassly and awkwardly they are undeniably charming. Just imagine, Brad, we are talking about the same film that features all of this good stuff and a narrator who says: “How innocently he chooses the silence of the moonlight.” Okay, there is all that boring hippie stuff but damn, aren’t you glad I picked this one? Huh huh, aren’t you?

Brad: First of all, above all else, I am very happy that you chose this for our discussiethon. I had always given it a good hard look in the Mill Creek pack, but it’s the kind of film that, without this assignment, I probably wouldn’t have made it through. And that would have been a shame. They get enough right, accidentally I presume, that the good and bad parts mesh very well with the ridiculously trippy vibe.

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I would say that John is the rapist and the harmonica player. Sorry, it’s hard to see. He plays the harmonica for a while and I liked the part when he smokes the joint and his actions suggest he’s trying to hide it. He is not very good with sharing. And Mark should be very suspicious of John’s offer to buy the place. Where is he going to find the cash to buy it? He’s a dirty hippie rapist harmonica player. I don’t see that in the help wanted section of the paper often.

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I had some difficulty following Lydia’s death scene. I didn’t catch where she took the drugs. John falls over and then she dances around for a while. In fact my notes say: “frolicking hippie has a drug dream(?) and is possibly killed” and then a line later I have: “frolicking hippie dead, acid confirmed.” Still the Horseman is not all that menacing at this point.

It’s here that a few of the menfolk hippies decide to ambush the Horseman. Although at first I thought they were talking about ambushing Solomon. Yes it is hard to follow. Anyway, they do ambush the Horseman and it is revealed to be…………….. Do we spoil it, Richard?

Richard: I think that the horseman was mixing LSD in with the fake blood he sprays on people but I can’t confirm this. This is hilarious because Randy doesn’t actually react at all when he gets covered in blood which means he is immune to LSD. Genius. But yeah, let’s spoil this thing. If you’re reading this and you actually want to avoid having the sort of terrible, sort of great ending ruined for you then skip the parts in italics.

After the hippies and reenactor’s capture the horseman, they take off his costume and it’s John The Rapist. Huh? Of course, he’s not the one. It turns out that there is no supernatural cause behind all this shiznit. Mark has been coveting this gold-laden land since he was a kid and has been dressing up like the headless horseman to chase off people which is weird because he fucking brought them there! Confronted with an insurmountable mountain of evidence that he is guilty as hell, Mark goes psycho and explains (again in very Scooby Doo fashion) about how he has been the villainous villain all along. He then steals a gun from Sandy the reenactor and goes on a wild shooting spree. Brenda is totally heartbroken since she just married the guy like minutes before all this shit rises to the surface. All the exposition in this scene is dang riot.

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Brad: I will be honest. I did not suspect Mark. I did not suspect anyone actually. I thought it was the real Headless Horseman. I’d like to back up and talk about the bits that led up to the big reveal. SPOILER: After the hippies discover John is the Horseman, John stabs Solomon and reveals that he found some gold. Then they have another hippie meeting and Zap Randy makes a very convincing argument that John could have only gotten a horse from the hills so he couldn’t be the Horseman. Mark is unimpressed by the gold but does decide that he and Brenda can get married now. And as they do my head spins around and pops off.

It is around this point after the wedding that you can actually see the drug haze start to lift and the hippies start to think something does not make sense. They all start to wonder where Mark was during all the killing and one lady hippie says, “who other than a doctor has access to so much blood?” Mark doesn’t take too kindly to this naturally and who can blame him? There were all kinds of hippies that weren’t around when the murders happened. Mark being the Horseman kind of comes out of nowhere from the story’s point of view. I also thought it was a terrible idea to bring the hippies along if you were trying to hide the gold from everyone. At the end of the film our trusty narrator tells us that this WAS the work of the curse of the Headless Horseman after all and it is only a matter of time before the curse will strike again, again, again, again…. So Mark being greedy for gold that was on his land was the work of the Headless Horseman’s curse? I’d love to hear what you made of that.

Richard: These questions will ring throughout the ages, my friend. You know the damn hippies behind the camera would try to make greed the cause behind this crap and not something supernatural and that pissed me off completely. However, the narrator does try to save the day by saying that the horseman was to blame all along, I do like that. How sad is it that I wanted to believe that he was real? I guess that the fact there was a narrator at all means that there is some omniscient presence watching over everything. A holy spirit of sorts keeping us informed (barely) of what was going on. Maybe that chick was talking to the gods after all.

Okay, spoilers over. I was pretty impressed with Curse of the Headless Horseman. I can’t friggin’ believe that it didn’t shake me with all of its boring scenes. But then again I also cheated and watched a better copy of it than you did. I guess that makes you more of a bad ass. Dang, I had it easy, yo. If only there had been more acid freakouts and more from the awesome supporting characters like The Baroness, Brenda, Yo-Yo, or that half-Native American chick who claims to speak to the gods. And, of course, I wanted more Randy. Any hippie that is immune to a headless horseman attack is essential to any story. And less rape! I wanted there to be less rape. Any final thoughts, Brad?

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Brad: My wife thought it was ridiculous. When it was over I told her it would grow in her mind. We had a very much postponed Christmas party to go to that day and when we got home she said it had indeed grown in her mind. It is not a film you watch, but one that sort of unfolds before you. Divorce averted.

The film takes several missteps, some of which you mentioned like neglecting The Baronesss, Yo-Yo, and Randy in favor of less likable characters like John The Harmonica Rapist. My wife thought she caught some dialogue that implied The Baroness had come back to see where one of the characters were killed and called the ranch “a macabre paradise.” I heard some dialogue but I am not sure. If so it was a wasted chance to get her onscreen again. I also wonder how much of the plot was hard to follow by design and/or my crappy disc. The Headless Horseman bit was an odd choice and at times it seemed shoehorned in. No one ever wonders why The Horseman, who is very much a New Englander in any version I’ve seen or read is haunting a ranch in southern California. I have to say as poor as the film was at times it did have its strange charms and I ultimately liked it. And I would have never finished it if it hadn’t been for the discussiethon. Thank you for asking me to participate, I really enjoyed it.

Richard: Nicely done, heezy. Discussiethon = over! Curse of the Headless Horseman = pwned. Squares should never mix with hippies and vice versa.

The Spirit Of ’76 Moviethon

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In the summer of 1976, when I was 2 weeks old, men in black cloaks came to take me away. My family was living in Great Falls, Montana when one afternoon someone banged at the front door. My mother answered with me in her arms and asked these mysteriously garbed individuals what they wanted. They told her that they had come for her son. Frightened but headstrong, my mother held me closer and told them to leave immediately. Perhaps it was something in her eyes or her voice that stole their resolve but the men in black cloaks quickly retreated from the yard. Only feeling safe after she had shut and locked the front door, my mother looked at her young son and realized that he was something special.

Now the story keeps changing and I’m probably embellishing it here. When I first heard this tale from my mother, there were men in black cloaks. But recently they have morphed into just one man dressed as a monk who came to take me away. I have no idea if this story is true and my mom is very vague on the details. But that’s what she told me. Whatever really happened that day, it seems to me that it had something to do with horror.

The theme of this moviethon is all things 1976 but there is a twist. The rules are simple: 1) the horror films in question have to have been released sometime in 1976 (not just in theaters at the time) and 2) they have to be titles that I’ve never seen before. So many fantastic things happened in that magical year such as The Omen, Carrie, Werewolf Woman, Plot Of Fear, and Burnt Offerings but I’ve already friggin’ seen them. Oh well, this moviethon is about mining for the unknown in hopes of beholding the wonderful (and terrible) discoveries waiting for me in my birth year.

For further preparation, I looked at newspapers from 1976 on microfilm to see what was playing in theaters that year and I also watched 1976 TV on the blessed Youtube. “The Charo TV Special” was especially entertaining although almost all of the jokes centered on how no one could understand what she was saying. In order to truly envelop myself in half-assed research I picked up the 1976 edition of one of those Remember When booklets at our local Bob Evans (random facts appear below). That’s like receiving a master’s degree for the entire year!

Friday

The usual Friday afternoon post-work stuff is made particularly awful by the wicked humidity. We hit the CVS on 56th street so LeEtta can have wine and then we quickly pick up some dinner (Wendy’s salads are almost healthy). Once dinner is consumed and everything seems to be in order, it is time to begin. The lousy foulness I’ve been experiencing all through the day have melted away now that things are about to start. This horrible hypochondria has been haunting me ever since the werewolf moviethon was almost ruined by a dang head cold.

makojawsofdeath

“Okay, shark-boy, I’m gonna break your fin.”

5:17pm

Mako: The Jaws Of Death

First, a little back story on obtaining this film. I found a VHS copy of The Jaws Of Death on Amazon used for less than a buck. When I got the tape and tried to convert it to DVDR, everything went to shit. My VCR started making this high-pitched whine and the film was playing in a terribly distorted and unwholesome manner on my TV screen. Even though I figured it was a lost cause, I brought the tape to my friend Nafa who is something of an expert at VHS repair. After unspooling and re-spooling the entire tape and running it through an impressive looking tape-cleaning machine, we got it to play again and I managed to get it on DVDR, finally.

After just a few minutes into this flick, I’m already regretting having Nafa go to all the trouble rescuing this piece of shit. Sonny (played by Richard Jaeckel) loves sharks. I mean really, really loves them. He gives them names like Mattilda and Sammy. Unfortunately, he’s totally naïve to the ways of the world (that’s putting it nicely) and puts his trust in a pretentious scumbag like Mr. Whitney.

Down at the world-renowned Rustic Inn, we have the lovely Karen (played by Jennifer Bishop), an underwater dancer, and her sickeningly obese husband Barney (played by someone named Buffy Dee). They soon discover what a total sucker Sonny is and quickly take advantage. These people want to use him and his sharks for some reason or another and it’s all going to end in tears and blood.

Whoa, this movie almost just redeemed itself. Getting to see Sonny’s 1,000 yard stare is pretty priceless. I love how everyone takes turns shitting on this guy when he is clearly deranged. Sonny rescues Karen from some would-be rapists and one of them is Harold “Oddjob” Sakata. After an awkward kiss between Sonny and Karen, I realize that Sonny has probably never kissed a non-shark person before. Uh oh, things are going south as Sonny realizes he shouldn’t have trusted these evil people.

Man oh man, between the endless underwater scenes and all the poorly lit nighttime scenes, this is one murky ass movie. Take the poor quality of the film and match it with the cheapness of the videotape and the end result is more than a little challenging to watch. Thankfully, I can still see Barney in all of his sensual glory. Of course, Mako: The Jaws Of Death has all the tension and drama of a bathtub fart. Oh good, a flashback sequence! This explains everything! I want to go to sleep now. If there was ever a time to nap during a moviethon, it is right now.

As the climax of this ass festival gets closer and closer, a horrible realization has just hit me: I’ve seen this film before. How depressing is that? I go out of my way to avoid films I’ve seen before and this sneaky bitch turns out to be a (happily) repressed memory or some shit. Oh Florida, why do you want to hurt us with your hurricanes? And it’s over. Sonny got his revenge but the angry townsfolk got their comeuppance when he was eaten by his own sharks. I hope that by revealing a big whopper of a spoiler like that encourages everyone to avoid Mako: The Jaws Of Death.

Random 1976 Fact: The “Son of Sam” claims his first victim in July.

Cigar Break

After that Jaws Of Death business, an early cigar break is essential. The father-in-law hooked me up with a fistful of cigars last time I saw him so I’m all set in that department. The weather has changed. A steady breeze has kicked in and the humidity has been lifted making this July evening quite pleasant. I smoke a Bohio cigar and wash it down with some Arizona green tea. Very nice. The cigar isn’t rolled very well and is falling apart in my hands but the flavor holds out so I’m satisfied. Once that’s done, I head back in for another flick.

driveinmassacre

“Do you really wanna talk to that piece of puke?”

7:32pm

Drive-In Massacre

Drive-In Massacre introduces itself with some fake Santana opening credit music. Seeing that the magic of the drive-in has been captured on film forever, I’m already feeling good about this one. The couple getting hot and heavy in their car at the beginning has a problem: the guy is too busy watching the movie while his chick wants to jump his bones. This is the 70s, you friggin’ moron, you’re supposed to get it on. Better hurry before the AIDS comes. That is just so sad and it’s even sadder now that they’ve just been brutally murdered by a psycho killer who is stalking the drive-in. Whoa, that cheap gore sure is sweet and sassy.

The miserable cops, Detectives Mike and Larry, show up to question the owner of the drive-in, Mr. Austin Johnson, who is described as being the “perfect asshole”. Johnson just said “wang-bangers” and I think I’m going to have to strive for perfection myself. We are introduced to Germy, our special buddy, who’s wearing what looks like a Peter Pan hat minus the feather and who has the illustrious job of waving the cars in and picking up trash. Now the soundtrack sounds like three disjointed organ grinders playing at once. So it’s as perfect as Mr. Austin Johnson.

The film slows down for some psychobabble and some dull police procedural stuff but it hasn’t thrown me yet. The cops are a real riot shaking down their chief suspect, the local pervert who utters the line: “I just wanted to beat my meat!” I just saw some boobs; the first of the moviethon. In order to catch the killer stalking the drive-in, one of the detectives dresses up in drag for a goofy stakeout. You’ve got to love a slasher flick where half of the characters are ex-carnies.

Drive-In Massacre slows down AGAIN for a carnival sequence and then some boring crap in a warehouse. Hello Arlene! Why hasn’t she been in the rest of the picture? Oh yes, this is all going to end in tears. The open-endedness of the finale is absolute genius. A little nod to William Castle, I think. This is a marked improvement over Mako: The Jaws Of Death, to say the least.

Random 1976 Fact: Life expectancy is 72.9 years.

deathatlovehouse

“She’s evil and this house is rotten with her memories.”

8:56pm

Death At Love House

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, E.W. Swackhamer and Aaron Spelling AKA The Dream Team! Joel (played by Robert Wagner) and Donna (Kate Jackson) visit the mansion of Lorna Love to help Joel write a book about the dead Hollywood legend. There’s a cat named Nosferatu, a ghostly figure running through a courtyard, and some mention of the Malleus Maleficarum (which LeEtta points out as being totally out of context here). Spooky stuff, let me tells ya. But I’m really just afraid of Joel and Donna’s friend Oscar who always shouts when he speaks.

John Carradine kicks ass as usual which is good since the plot just ain’t doing it for me. Joel’s dad was one of the mysterious Lorna Love’s lovers and… Well, there are some sepia-toned flashbacks. That’s great. Beware the duder in the black goat’s head cloak. His name is Father Eternal Fire and he was a holy man “of sorts”. Was he the one who tried to steal me as a baby?

Things start getting freaky when we meet the nutty Marcella (played by the legendary Joan Blondell) and hey, hang on a minute! That’s the luscious Marianna Hill from Messiah Of Evil as Lorna Love. Score! The scene where one of Lorna’s films comes to life and starts calling to Joel is surprisingly well done and hypnotic. Oh shit, Donna is getting the cold shoulder as Joel becomes more and more obsessed with the dead actress.

Death At Love House is pretty tame and the plot is convoluted as hell but I’m having a good time. The film has a decent full-bodied soundtrack and the climax (despite the cheese) is awesome. Of course, everything has to go up in flames. Whoa, that denouement was abrupt. LeEtta expresses her dissatisfaction with that super quick wrap-up and I am in total agreement. So I guess everything just turned out okay then. That’s just like in real life.

Random 1976 Fact: “Afternoon Delight” by The Starlight Vocal Band is a number one hit.

Saturday

You know, I’m starting to get sick of the whole “something must go wrong every moviethon” bit. We decided to call it quits early last night so that we could get a jump on the films. Ha ha, a jump indeed. We get up bright and early, go to the gas station, fuel up, and the car won’t start. Luckily, a guy there is nice enough to get my 1978 (not ’76) Ford Thunderbird going again with a jumpstart. At AutoZone, we find out that my battery is toast. Luckily, it was still under warranty, so we get a new battery for $2. We immediately get breakfast, hit the grocery store for moviethon supplies, and head back home.

foodofthegods

“My name is Morgan and I play football.”

10:10am

The Food Of The Gods

Bert I. Gordon brings us a flick that I could have sworn that I’d seen before but after only a few moments of this schlocky nonsense, I realize that I’ve seen its 1989 sequel. Morgan (played by Marjoe Gortner of Starcrash) delivers some crummy foreshadowing in his voiceover. To sum things up: nature is sick of mankind’s BS and is making animals grow all big and stuff. The end. Okay, there’s more to this film than that but it’s all logic free cheese.

Attack of the giant rats! Attack of the big rubba bug! Attack of the giant rooster! This is anything but dull, that’s for sure. Oh crap, those giant maggots are really nasty. Ida Lupino is very charming as the perpetually freaked out Mrs. Skinner. Careful lady, they’re using the old good scientist/bad scientist routine on ya. Some of these lame effects are starting to get to me already. Well, look at that, the homely chick named Lorna the actress I had a major crush on from Legend Of Hell House! She fell down a hole? What a dumbass.

Why do giant rats make cat noises? Whatever the reason, these rat attacks prompt my wife to start laughing like a madwoman. I am starting to strongly dislike the treatment of the rats in this movie. They’re shooting them with paintballs, knocking them about in little explosions, and drowning them for the climax. Hmm, that really took the fun out of this one. I rarely get worked up about animal rights but that seemed excessively cruel to me. God, I’m such a whiner. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: A new car costs $4,557.

clownmurders

“I’m sick of his God-damned jokes.”

11:45am

The Clown Murders

Any film that starts with a rousing game of polo has got to be good, right? Ugh, 7 minutes in and I already don’t care. Come on, duder, this has a good ominous soundtrack, give it a chance. I’m talking to myself already. Speaking of animal violence! There’s a gratuitous chicken beheading. Hmm, is that better or worse than the rat torture from Food Of The Gods? Whatever, this film is Canadian, they don’t have the same rules that we do. Fat jokes and headless chickens? Can do.

This strange ass flick is well acted but the plot is ridiculous. Our “heroes” cook up a plot to kidnap the lovely Allison in order to stop some land deal from going through. This is one of those seemingly innocent but idiotic schemes where things invariably go very wrong. It doesn’t help matters much that one of their gang is crazy Charlie who still has a thing for Allison. I think my initial allergic reaction to The Clown Murders may have been too hasty. This is such a bizarre little thriller with a knack for building tension. After the POV stalking kicks in, I feel more at home.

This Rosie guy is a complete piece of shit. LeEtta would like him to be the first one to die. His name is Rosie. You know what? There is some creepy business buried in this movie. There’s a killer stalking these folks but that’s not central to the plot. Or is it? I’m certainly surprised by all of this. Adventurous viewers, this batshit flick is waiting for you. Then it just goes on this total exploitation bender. Okay, that’s John Candy rape.

Oh, this would have been perfect for Doomed WTFiethon. I’m not sure about this film. It’s gone from horror to exploitation but I… I’m speechless. It’s the weirdest one so far. Either way, this is equal parts boring, entertaining, and painful to watch. Talk about your roller coaster shifts in tone. This beast is unclassifiable.

Random 1976 Fact: The Pittsburgh Steelers are the Pro Football champions.

Short Break

Nafa calls to say that he will be joining the moviethon festivities in a little while. He informs me that people are crashing their makeshift planes into a nearby lake. That sounds reasonable but way less entertaining than this hot movie action. LeEtta makes some guacamole dip which we devour and then it’s back to the flicks.

creaturefromblacklake

“All right, big creature, here we come.”

1:42pm

Creature From Black Lake

This soundtrack is very, very special. Could this film like actually be good? My expectations for a Bigfoot movie are rock bottom, so this flick’s got a fighting chance. Our two main goofballs, two old college students named Reeves and Pahoo, are traveling to the swamps of Louisiana to find Bigfoot. Is Pahoo slang for something? ‘Cause it sounds awfully dirty. Pahoo is obsessed with hamburgers and French fries. And just like me, he’s all fired up about Cajun women!

This flick is done surprisingly well and well acted even. Legendary lazy-eyed Jack Elam plays Joe, the crazy old freak who had a negative experience with the creature (it ate his friend). So, I guess that explains why he has a doll in a noose in his shack. Them there Bigfoot creatures do that to a man. Holy crap, that is one hot waitress there. Pahoo and Reeves are going to gather evidence with the height of 1976 technology: a tape recorder.

Orville is a good old boy with a story to tell (strictly off the record). We meet his pappy who is played by the incredible Dub Taylor. Don’t even mention the creature around this guy. Whoa, Pahoo just flipped out. Now Reeves and Pahoo are picking up chicks. Two bad one of the girls is the daughter of the sheriff. That might be problematic. Jeez, these guys are crappy anthropologists. Maybe they can tell me what hole the company that released this shitty pan and scan DVD are hiding in.

This movie is entertaining as hell… sometimes. There’s lots of comic relief. Guys, come on, stop arguing! We have got to stick together! Well, the creature isn’t all that impressive but at least they keep it hidden pretty well. Wow, what an awful ending. So that’s it. Really? To answer that question, we are tortured with some wimpy ending song with pitiful lyrics that I’ve already forgotten.

Random 1976 Fact: Nelson Rockefeller is the Vice President of the United States.

Almost Nap

I decide to take one of my world famous power naps. I get about 10 minutes into it when LeEtta knocks on the door and tells me that Nafa has already arrived. So, I don’t get my nap or the fantastic disorientation that comes afterwards. Boo hoo! Nafa brings me an awesome bicentennial flag which I immediately hang up to inspire us. Thanks to that flag, 1976 is so much closer now.

embryo

“I don’t want to kill! I don’t want to kill! I just want to live!”

3:38pm

Embryo

Uh oh, this one opens with a very important message that sends chills up my… Well, not my spine, that’s for sure. Ladies and gentleman, Rock Hudson. Sadly, Doris Day will not be joining us for this bleak and muddled little movie. Hudson plays Paul, a doctor who seems to have lost his way since the death of his wife. So one dark and stormy night, he runs over a pregnant Doberman and gets inspired to try and save the unborn puppies with science. Maybe that constant boom mike dipping into the shot can help.

Things fall apart when Dr. Paul calls his son in the middle of the night and asks for a million cc’s of dog plasma. DOG. PLASMA. His son Gordon is more than happy to oblige. He and his pregnant wife Helen (who was the mom on “Alf”) show up to see a puppy fetus in a big tank and they aren’t fazed at all. I guess when you’re drowning in pseudoscience, everything just seems normal. Paul manages to do a bunch of stuff to so that the puppy fetus is full grown in a week. My God, he’s created a super pooch!

So what do you think our newly mad scientist will do next? Get a human fetus and try it again. This is such a sad little film. He’s smoking in the same room where the baby is developing in the tank. That can’t be good. Okay doctor, we are no longer listening to your gibberish. This movie is dragging. The entire suspense at this point is the horror and revulsion we’re supposed to be feeling at this unnatural birthing. Gee, I wonder why this wasn’t a huge hit.

Now it’s the Helen Keller story as Paul teaches his instant woman (played by the lovely Barbara Carrera) to speak. He names her Victoria and it isn’t long before we know something ain’t right. She tends to hide behind doors with sharp scissors when someone frightens her. Poor Diane Ladd (yeah, she’s in this too). Her character, Martha, is the nails on the chalkboard in this flick. Between Victoria’s wide-eyed disconnectedness and Martha’s smarty pants cattiness, we’re really in a pickle here.

Roddy McDowall is in fine form here (read as: he gets to look incredulous and shout a lot). NO! We’re back in the poorly lit laboratory again. Half of this movie is hard to see and this busted ass DVD doesn’t help either. Can we please just go back to the dog plasma? No we can’t because Victoria needs human fetus extract because Dr. Paul fucked up the growth acceleration procedure because… I think this movie will defeat us.

I love the synthesizer in the soundtrack and there are some eerie moments but damn, this shit will just not end. Victoria starts aging really quickly and her list of victims grows because she just can’t get enough fetus juice. The ending finally comes with a car chase and the rest is just painfully hilarious and overblown melodrama. Nafa, LeEtta, and I are totally confounded. It ends and we’re kind of ruined but the bad movie adrenaline is pumping. Nothing to do but go to Taco Bell.

Random 1976 Fact: Bacon is $1.05 per pound.

Dinner

It’s bright out and very hot. The clouds in the sky aren’t substantial enough to give us any relief from the sun. Nafa and I head out to Athenos to get LeEtta a veggie platter. Like a dumbass, I forget the spanakopita. We park in the Taco Bell parking lot and walk next door to CVS. Nafa grabs some Powerade and I get a 20oz Sunkist (the caffeinated orange soda). After getting stuck in line behind a scattered and bizarrely behaving Spanish family, we walk back to Taco Bell.

Despite experiences from previous moviethons where fast food has done me wrong, I order way too much food for myself and get a big Mountain Dew. Nafa and I jump in the car and head back home. On the way down 56th Street, we pass the legendary Morrisound Studios where death metal bands such as Deicide and Malevolent Creation have recorded their albums. Nafa and I decide that our very un-death metal band should record there as well. Back at the apartment, we find that Shelly has arrived. She and LeEtta are on the patio smoking while Nafa and I dig in. Once LeEtta has eaten and Shelly has ordered her Chinese food, we move on to the next movie.

nakedmassacre

“Who dares come between an Irishman and his drink?”

6:33pm

Naked Massacre

This movie is political because it takes place in Belfast. We see some hot Irish nurses and I begin to suspect that we’re in for a trashy ride. This disgruntled Vietnam vet is going to make some trouble. There’s lots of dialogue about nothing in particular and jump cuts galore. The most priceless scene in the history of film: the bad guy (does he have a name?) paying an old hooker to dance naked while he plays “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica. Okay, she isn’t really dancing so much as spasmodically jerking to the music while her big saggy everything shimmies to and fro.

Things are starting to look very grim for the four of us viewers as this trashy piece of trash finally reveals itself. So this guy kidnaps a bunch of nurses living together and starts raping and killing them. Even worse, he tells them bad jokes. Was Richard Speck really this “charming”? This is some seriously horrible shit. I’d had a just a tiny taste of exploitation with The Clown Murders, this is the real rapetastic deal.

We are all heckling Naked Massacre to keep from screaming. Talk about a totally wrong selection for a moviethon but that’s what happens when you pick a bunch of unseen titles. This is just unpleasant as hell and we’re all mortified and pretty embarrassed. I will say this in the movie’s defense: if I was watching this alone, I probably wouldn’t feel so totally miserable right now. But honestly, this movie just sucks. The end.

Random 1976 Fact: Reese Witherspoon is born on March 22nd.

Cigar Break

We are more than happy to go outside after that. I light up my H. Uppman cigar which is really, really good. It’s got a ton of flavor and it goes very well with Sunkist orange soda. Shelly joins me in the smoking with her cloves while Nafa just hangs out. The summer sun is finally going down and it is much cooler outside. Thank God. I apologize profusely about the Naked Massacre incident but nobody is too upset about it. The “Oh Susanna” scene was almost worth the pain of the rest of the film. It was shitty but not gloriously shitty like Embryo. After the break is over, Nafa takes his leave but Shelly hangs on for more flicks.

landoftheminotaur

“There’s nothing wrong with my capacity!”

9:04pm

Land Of The Minotaur

Donald Pleasence and Peter Cushing go to Greece. Flame on, minotaur, flame on! We are treated to a ceremony featuring some retarded KKK-like duders in multi-colored robes. This breathy and weird Brian Eno soundtrack is seriously friggin’ awesome. Then a trio of hippies show up. They disappear and Father Roche (Pleasence) goes looking for them. He calls up Milo, a detective friend from Boston, who looks like Father Ted. Feck!

The locations for this flick are beautiful and there’s plenty of atmosphere to spare. “You’re out of line, Tom!” So Peter Cushing is Carpathian? That’s nice. Of course he’s the ringleader of this busted ass minotaur cult that needs human sacrifices for some reason. He’s the one who is responsible for all the suspicious glances in the village too. Damn, that Laurie chick (played by Luan Peters of The Flesh And Blood Show) is so crazy hot. She’s in peril, people. We need to keep a better eye on her. Mm-hmm.

I refuse to believe you, sensible priest! This movie is really strange and- Ha! I knew it! There are men in black cloaks! Finally, they are here. My mom was right. They came from Greece to get me. So much freakin’ oddness going on here. I want to say that this movie is boring but it is just so awesome. And explosive! So the only minotaur in the movie is a statue? That is rather lame but yet I can’t wait to watch this one again. I think we’re finally out of the rut. Next!

Random 1976 Fact: The Supreme Court votes to reinstate the death penalty.

houseofmortalsin

“None of us is without sin, be sure of that.”

10:32pm

The House Of Mortal Sin

Oh Jenny (played by Susan Penhaligon), you could so much better. Man, this chick is whipped by her scumbag boyfriend. Enter one seriously creepy priest who happens to be one twisted and murderous motherfucker. Father Xavier Meldrum is his name and he kills the boyfriend in a very brutal manner. Father Meldrum isn’t alone in his lunacy. Miss Brabazon is helping the priest keep it real. Brabazon is played by the incredibly creepy Sheila Keith from Frightmare.

The priest secretly tape records people’s confessions, is stalking Jenny, and is killing all the men close to her. Now he’s killing to cover up his other killings. That isn’t very holy behavior, dude. This might be director Pete Walker’s finest hour. We’ve got some great kill scenes, cool cinematography, and priestly temptations. I think the director may have been taking notes from the Giallos for this one. The cyanide sacrament! I saw that one comin’ a mile away.

Unbeknownst to Father Xavier, Mrs. Brabazon is going behind his back and torturing his poor decrepit mother. His mother, mute from a stroke, tries to warn people. The subplot with Father Bernard and his love affair with Jenny’s sister comes to a horrible end as well. Wow, this movie is outrageously cruel, malevolent, and dark. The House Of Mortal Sin accomplishes what many strive but fail to be. I’m looking at you, Naked Massacre!

Random 1976 Fact: “Happy Days” is the number one TV show.

Very Short Break

Shelly is leaving and LeEtta is getting ready for bed. That leaves little old me to fend for myself. Hey, how about if I eat a taco? Buying too much food at Taco Bell earlier was a blessing in disguise. I put sour cream and hot sauce on this taco. I eat this taco. I put another movie in the DVD player. Things are going to be okay.

whocankillachild

“The world is crazy.”

12:23am

Who Can Kill A Child?

Things are not going to be okay. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. The very real and very horrifying news footage at the beginning of this film lets me know in an extremely unsubtle way that the fun is over. My God, this introduction is 8 minutes long! The world is chaotic and filled with hate. You will be destroyed exquisitely.

Our biologist buddy, Tom and his pregnant wife Evelyn, arrive in a small village in Spain for a vacation. They head out alone to an island nearby where there seems to be no adults anywhere. The children are oddly quiet and very suspicious. The beautiful scenery has given way to an undeniable eeriness. Things are so very wrong on this picturesque island and the children are so ominous, I would have bugged out already.

Who Can Kill A Child? is one of the most frightening and claustrophobic films I’ve seen in a while. The tension just keeps growing. Those kids are gonna be so disappointed. There’s no candy in that old man they’ve strung up and are now beating like a piñata. Tom is trying to protect Evelyn from the things he’s seen. Fuck it, man, these kids is evil. This is like Village Of The Damned on meth.

They find one living adult who relates the chilling story of when the children woke up one night and starting killing all the adults. When Tom finally lashes out against their attackers, it isn’t cathartic like in a regular horror movie. There is no relief. This is a bold and challenging film from beginning to end that shows you inconceivable horrors awaiting our protagonists around every corner. And it only gets worse at the end. Amazing.

Random 1976 Fact: Stephen Wozniak and Steven Jobs found Apple Computers.

whisperinthedark

“Death is a place where no one’s ever happy.”

2:21am

A Whisper in the Dark

I need you right now gothic Italian horror movie. My God, this movie is pretty already. A fog enshrouded mansion? Thank you! We are introduced to a typical Italian family. Normal except for their son, Martino, who insists that his invisible friend Luca is real. Whoa, Martino is one freaky and angry little kid. Well, with horrid sisters like his, I’d be freaky and angry too. Mom of the feathered hair is clueless and dad is John Phillip Law of Diabolik (but is also clueless). Their marriage is on the rocks and their son going nuts is really quite bothersome.

That was strange. Martino describes a dream that sounds like a scene out of Who Can Kill A Child? A self-referential moviethon? It’s hard to focus when this kid is so dang hypnotic. The score by Pino Donaggio is very haunting and adds to the dreamy atmosphere. I know something terrible is going to happen. The family is starting to fall apart and things are becoming more and more surreal. Ha ha! The sisters don’t get to go to the party!

Some comic moments come out of nowhere. I realize that I can no longer be trusted. My notes are getting more and more erratic and it is clear to me that only folks really, really into Italian horror will enjoy this. No, even they won’t like this one. A Whisper In The Dark is visually stunning but is there any substance? The spell of the mysterious specter of Luca is taking over. Joseph Cotten (of Mario Bava’s Baron Blood) is here as the professor whose come to study Martino’s condition. How could a duder this unsettling ever make it as a child psychologist?

The party sequence is so outlandish and beautiful that I have ceased to wonder what happened to the plot. Drinking vodka and smoking in the bath? Jeez professor, when are you going to fix that dang kid’s crazy brain? Oops, he’s dead! I have a funny feeling about this movie but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I love the POV camera angles letting you know that someone is always watching. Leave mom alone, she’s goth. No wonder the reviews for this film were so bad. That ending wasn’t really an ending at all. Mom and dad have screwed and all is right with the world.

Random 1976 Fact: Sonny and Cher resume their TV show, despite their real-life divorce.

Trouble

It’s 4:15am and I just put in the last film of the Moviethon: Mansion Of The Doomed. I’m about 5 minutes into it when I realize that I can’t even look at the screen, my eyes and head hurt so bad. This isn’t fun anymore. I stop the movie and write down this gibberish: “I can barely moves. My eyes are distant shores. Nobody feels this way while my cat coos in his sleep. Sorry almost made it.” I am now going to haul my ass off to bed.

Many Hours Later…

I wake up around 10:00am Sunday morning and I really need to get out of the house. I’m pretty depressed when I wake up. I realize that I have one movie to go and that I should have been able to get through all ten movies yesterday. But then LeEtta reminds me that I should just start giving myself a schedule for these dang things. I feel run down but alive as the wife and I run to breakfast and go catch Hellboy 2: The Golden Army at the theatre. How un-moviethon and 1976-inappropriate is that? Oh well, we get back home and I return to the final film.

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“No! I’m a scientist! No more nightmares.”

3:37pm

Mansion Of The Doomed

The movie opens with some stock footage of eye surgeries that are just plain old nasty to behold. Something tells me that we’re gonna be violating some eyes very soon. Oh great, another mad scientist. I hope this one doesn’t have to send out for his dog plasma. Richard Basehart plays Dr. Chaney who has to conduct illegal and experimental eye surgery on his daughter Nancy. He feels just a tad guilty for breaking her eyes in a car accident.

A very young Lance Henriksen (from Pumpkinhead and a million other awesome things) is on board as Nancy’s fiancé. Dr. Chaney drugs the guy, steals his eyes, and then locks him up in a cage (with electrified bars!) located in the filthy basement of his mansion (of the doomed). When the eye transplant doesn’t take, the very evil doctor starts kidnapping more and more people. God, this movie is great. It’s claustrophobic and perfectly grungy in almost every way.

I sure hope Lucio Fulci got to see this one with all the eye violence and gaping blood-filled eye sockets we get to see. I really don’t like Nancy at all. Waa, I’m blind so my life is over, waa! Well, at least she’s better than the doctor’s washed out assistant, Kathy, who assists the evil bastard in all of his bastardliness. Mad scientists should never have children or wives or friends or colleagues. They’re a goddamned liability. Character actor Vic Tayback is totally underused as the detective trying to find out what’s up with all these empty eyeholes.

Seriously, duders, this movie is messed up. Instead of Eyes Without A Face, this is Face Without Some Eyes. This is just one of the most satisfying horror experiences I’ve seen in a while. Why is Mansion Of The Doomed so friggin’ obscure? Could be that crappy soundtrack. I am consumed by the evil badness of these people keeping their eyeless victims alive in the basement until they starve to death or kill each other. Things go just as bad as they should and everything falls into place just as horribly as it should. It’s all about the eyes.

Random 1976 Fact: Tawny Godin of Saratoga Springs, NY becomes the next Miss America.

The End

This will forever be known as the moviethon that made John Candy cry or at the very least, the cruelest of all moviethons. Sure, I got burned a couple of times but by watching 13 unseen films (with Mako being the sneaky exception) but that’s just part of the adventure. The most startling aspect was their brutality. There were more than a few eye-opening scenes as well as entire films that were just painful to watch with their unrelenting torture of their characters. What can you do with a moviethon with a mean streak a mile wide?

So, have I beaten 1976, the year of my birth? I have to say no. There are too many horror titles released that year that remain out of print and will have to be acquired for a sequel. And once again, I’ve learned that poor scheduling, evil junk food, and OD’ing on caffeine can screw up the whole scene. With Marjoe Gortner as my witness, I will conquer my inadequacies as a moviethoner and become the man that I was always meant to be. I will not let the men in black cloaks win. And mother, I promise, you did not save your son’s life for nothing.

Doomed Discussiethon: Video Wars

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Video Wars

Directed by Mario Giampaolo 

Released: 1983 (or 1984, who cares?)

Starring George Diamond, Dennis Warren, Maria Anna, Michael Harris

Running Time: 73 minutes

The Plot:

Prince Radolpho Reichmonger of Bastavia wants to become overseer of the world. He has the technology to “control the destiny of the people of any quarter of the world”. He is demanding a trillion dollars a year or else. The American government sends in super-spy Ignatius Maximillion Scattergood to a mountain resort in Bastavia so he can get into the palace and destroy Reichmonger’s mainframe. The Russians have also sent their best spies in to stop Reichmonger including an old flame of Scattergood’s, the lovely Natasha . Also attempting to stop this vaguely evil plot are two revolutionaries, Magda and Willy. Magda goes undercover as a model in a fashion show taking place at the resort. Meanwhile, there is a videogame competition where Reichmonger takes on Jimmy, the international video champion. This film also features payphones and snow mobiles.

Richard: Ladies and gents, welcome to our discussiethon of the ultra-obscure (for good reason) Video Wars. Hey Nafa, you want to start this one?

Nafa: Wow, from the get-go, you know this is going to be something special. Why, just transitioning out of the extended (yet minimal) opening credits you know where and when you are exactly. Everything about it exudes it’s time period: the sights, the sounds, the styles. To quote a line from the film, ‘It’s too everything.’ It reminds me of how arcade obsessed we were then. Man, I can smell the Showbiz pizza and feel the quarters sliding into the coin slots. And in this film even the dang President of the America is down with the whole video gameity of it all. Oh, and I’m gonna make up words for this discussion. Splash?

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R: Well, nothing says FUCK YOU to the viewer quite like a spy movie parody. After the ruinous, depressing electro-dung of the soundtrack and the first of many, many failed jokes, I found myself totally entranced by Video Wars. There is an important moment when the President of the United States is too busy playing videogames to be bothered by the threat of a Slavic terrorist. I couldn’t help but notice that one of the President’s aides is trying to grab his joystick. What has become of our great nation? It doesn’t matter because Scattergood is going to save the day. After being briefed about the mission to stop the evil Reichmonger, Scattergood is given his special weapons that he’ll need for his mission. Choice dialog (and an example of the film’s jokes):

“And last but not least, your acid pen.”

“I hope it doesn’t leak in my pocket.”

N: When the special weapons are being doled out, his only response after each introduction is ‘Of course… of course… of course…’ And did he ever use any of the gadgetry besides the gun that he brought with him? Also, let me step back a moment and address a few things.

I: The first four-out-of-seven minutes of the film are either opening credits or walking in snow. In fact, there’s quite a bit of walking in snow in this film. Quite a bit. And remember that, because walking in snow becomes important later.

II: Attentive eared viewers will notice that the sound of the President’s video game comes from the game Galaga.

III: When Scattergoo(d) is first called, we find him in his boudoir with a lady-friend (who utters the memorable, ‘But you promised more than 15 minutes!’) before he has to go to his mission. During the entire scene there is a crew member in a white t-shirt and jeans visible in the ornate mirror. Either that, or Scattergoo’ enjoys a bit of the old voyeurism during his 15 minutes. Also, this scene is followed up by nearly a full minute of snow-walking.

IV: The music… is… BRILLIANT.

R: He does use his special weapons later. They’re so special that you forgot all about them. Nice job spotting the crew member. I missed that. Everywhere Splattergoo goes, the ladies fall all over him. There is a sequence where all the ladies from the fashion show are chillaxin’ by the indoor pool and he’s just walking along them, just like surveying the spread. It’s pretty magnificent. I like Magda and Willy (though I think his name changes to Tommy), the revolutionaries of the subplot who plan to overthrow the evil Reichmonger. I’ll talk more about them later. More choice dialog (and another zinger) from the models at the fashion show:

“Men! What do they want? We have class, style, taste- we’re beautiful!”

“Maybe that’s not what they want.”

“What do they want?” [Camera zooms in on boobs.]

N: You do realize that just before that exchange was quoted the camera panned in on a woman adjusting her bra only to give a gratuitous shot of her armpit. Yeah, this film hates it’s viewers. As the models arrive in Bastavia they are watched by Reichmonger as they enter his palace/ski lodge, and I am still convinced his secret base is in the lobby, complete with nude women. Also, the door man addresses Natasha Molanava (who is the leader of the models and also the Russian agent) with what is probably my third favorite line in the entire film, ‘I can see that you are a woman who KNOOOWS what she wants!’ Natasha and her gals have some great Bob Fosse-esque choreography by the pool (ie: two moves), and later she gives expert direction to the models for their runway walk (ie: she tells each to spin). And I’m not sure who the backstage show manager in the white sequined suit, but I can almost bet that when this film was screened someone excited parent shrilled, ‘Finally, a speaking role for our theater major son! Thank you, Philadelphia Academy of Theatrical Arts!’ And, yes, that is the name of the acting group that gets a thank you in the end credits.

All I need to say about Willy and Magda, is her quote: ‘There is no room for love between soldiers!’ That’s all I really have to say about them.

And let’s not forget our hero’s entrance to Bastavia, and after briefly inspecting his surroundings succinctly and eloquently states: ‘Ell-uh-gant, opp-ya-lent, wit a touch-uh dekka-dense.’ That line alone is the best epitaph for this film.

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R: Shame on me for not noticing the armpit. I think that I’m just so over armpits, you know? They’re like everywhere nowadays. I too noticed that bedroom/lobby scene. Talk about shitty editing. I was like why are those people naked in the lobby? All they had to show was one shot of the CCTV and it all would have made sense. I really hate Splattergoo. As if he didn’t have enough ladies on his jock, the Russians send in the freaky Myrana to seduce him. She looks like a Rankin and Bass character in the flesh. Thanks to her, we get to see the aftermath of a little threesome between her, Splattergoo, and some other chick. Ugh, nauseating. Who will save this film? Will it be Jimmy, the international video champion?

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N: Personally speaking, the one who saved the film for me for a moment was the random dancer dancing to that typical early 80s Electro-Funk song. But alas, her performance (much like any action in this film) goes on way too long and then she goes with Spattergoo’ back to his room, falling for the old chicken line. As for Myrana, I love the scene where the Russian agents are working out and she has no rhythm whatsoever -she can barely stand up- which is probably why she’s lying down in the next two scenes. Oy.

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It’s at this point in my notes that I had the sudden realization that with the music, the acting, the dialogue, the story, and everything that this could very well be an 80s story-based porn film with all the explicit sex removed. Either that or some family’s really bad idea of a joke home movie.

R: That old chicken line goes like this:

“You like chicken, baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Then grab a wing.” [And then he offers her his arm and she takes it!]

If you hadn’t mentioned that Video Wars seemed like an old porno with the sex cut out I might not have thought of it. That is the kind of revelation usually reserved for the New Testament. I love it. What this film needs is more stock footage BS to entertain us. Oh wait, it does! If you like skiing then you’re dumb but you’ll love half of this movie.

So Reichmonger puts on the big fashion show for everyone and he’s in the front row. When Magda struts across the stage in an outfit that can be best described as a theater usher’s uniform, she whips out a gun to blow the guy away. For some reason, before she can even finish drawing her pistol, Reichmonger’s goons are all over her thus thwarting the assassination attempt. I love that scene. It is chilling in its realism. No amount of screenshots that I could take can do this scene justice. And that’s the last we see of Magda or her pal, Tommy or Willy or whatever his name is. I will miss her face that looked like she applied her makeup with a hand grenade.

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And then we are treated to more crap during the videogame contest between Reichmonger and Jimmy. Of course, Jimmy beats the guy in a game that is a series of blue and pink squares that seem to gyrate and flash for no reason whatsoever. This stuff goes on forever! How unwatchable can a film get? Video Wars is the answer.

N: It’s funny, but for the most part Magda and Wimmy barely even registered with me, they were just a kind of non-entity. It wasn’t until now when you mentioned it that I realized that she was the attempted fash-ssassin. Oh, and the fashion show contained some of the most unsexy and utilitarian dressing shots I’ve ever seen. If you want to equate them to something, go spy on your grandmother when she’s changing clothes and adjusting her truss- mmmmm, sexay! And don’t forget the literal polishing of a gun barrel for a cutaway scene. Careful, hon, it’s cocked, locked, loaded, and may go off in your hand- AND SPATTER YOUR MOTHERFUCKING FINGERS ACROSS A SNOW SCENE. *sigh* I can only wish that may happen in this film.

Oh, and the guards in front of the giant safe- ‘Cigarette break, fellas.’ Yeah. What? I’ve lost any sense of where this film is going. It feels like the Australian films of this time period, but without any of the charm. Even though this was filmed in Pennsylvania it’s gotta be done by a group of Canadians or something.

R: It is fascinating to me that this horrid little film has the balls to actually get boring. After all we’ve seen, NOW IT GETS BORING! After planning bombs and his super secret weapons all around the fortress or whatever, Scattergood goes up against Reichmonger in a fight scene that takes 5 seconds. The place blows up (off camera, of course) and then the film shifts into underdrive. We are treated to an interminable snow mobile chase that actually turned my hair gray. Where did all the goofy chicks go? I don’t know. I needed them and they all left me. Even the bad jokes, like concrete parachutes dropping from a blood red sky, are gone at this point. Video Wars is insultingly stupid and I think I’ve talked about everything I want to talk about. Nafa, you want to wrap this up?

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N: I’m not sure I’m quite ready to let this one go yet. It reminds me of The Pirate Movie but without any of the set, music, costumes, talent, story, cinematography, acting, or humor. But in a way, it’s almost as fun. When Reichmonger finally confronts Spattergoo’ in the vault, he greets him with a hardy, ‘We meet again at long last!’ Man, you can’t write that kind of script. Seriously, you can’t. Then there’s the not existent fight followed by the implied implosion. And the snowmobile chase- what was with the trouble getting the motors started? And the size of the snowmobiles? They were kid-sized, it seems. God, the actors must have been paid in beer or blow or something because all the money must have gone into snowmobile rental I reckon. By the way, this entire flick takes place in the snow (as you can tell by the long cut shots of panoramic… erm… snow), yet after the climactic ending Mr. Spattergoo’ slips twice during a simple walking shot. For reals. Oh, and why waste a good phonebooth shot, let’s use it again. The whole underlying story is… well, non-existent.

Man, I haven’t even gotten to the kid by the stairs (‘Where didja find it?’ ‘Right here.’ *points straight down*), the phallic face on the snowman, Reichmonger’s general voyeurism or the princess bed he sleeps in, the ‘I am.’ ‘You are?’ ‘I.M.’ joke, all the music by King Henry And His Showband and Philly Cream, or the fact that Spattergoo’ looks like Serge Gainsbourg, Dustin Hoffman, and Robert De Niro all had a potato baby. This film… this film…

It’s… It’s too everything.

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Slashers in the Night

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The slasher movie is the giallo’s more famous, coked up, and slightly more demented lovechild (we still don’t know who the father is). I’ve been meaning to have a slasher moviethon for years now but could never figure out which angle to approach it from. I decided to limit the titles by two criteria: 1. these slashers must be unseen by yours truly and 2. they were released between the years of 1979 and 1989. Not surprisingly, I have somewhere around 30 titles that meet those criteria. But now I can finally get around to some of those dang flicks that have been getting dusty on my shelves. Alright, I have picked 21 movies from that list and I am now ready to rock this bitch.

Friday

It is 7:32am. Sparkles almost woke me up much earlier this morning by putting her front paws on my shoulder and just standing there. I ignored her. I don’t know how much time passed before she just started meowing over and over again. When I rolled over and told her to shut the fuck up, I felt bad because she’s just so adorable. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep, I got up. I went out into the world to get some moviethon supplies from 7-11.

You see, I took the day off today for Slashers in the Night. I’d be a fool not to. My wife LeEtta is working today as is my mother-in-law Margie. She works from home so I’ll be hearing her from the office and probably running into her occasionally today. After retrieving a bevy of drinks and a sausage biscuit from 7-11, I come home. I got a Simply Lemonade to go with breakfast, a can of Arizona Watermelon drink or whatever in case I get a cigar to smoke this weekend, and two sodas: a Coke and a Mountain Dew. My goal for Slashers in the Night is seven movies per day for the next three days so I better stop dicking around and get started.

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8:54am

Final Exam

A couple making out in the middle of nowhere, bickering and being really annoying. “Shh, what was that? I heard something.” This is the perfect way to start this shit. The first kill scene is bloodless but surprisingly well done. The music in this movie is phenomenal. It shifts from menacing to hokey happy from one scene to the next and everything feels perfect. I don’t think I could have picked a more perfect movie than this. Twelve minutes in and Final Exam is already a charmer.

The goofy professor is having an affair with Lisa, the hot chick but more importantly, there is a rapist van cruising around campus. Then the fraternity stages one of the most elaborate and irresponsible pranks the world has ever seen. This film was made back when campus shootings were still funny. The nerd named Radish could just as easily be a gay character. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. Too many character alert! The scene where the sheriff confronts Wildman on his little stunt has so many people in it and then some redneck security guard shows up to fill up some empty space left in the frame.

Hey, nice Toolbox Murders poster in Radish’s room. The frat guys in this movie are the scum of the Earth with their stealing prescription drugs and cheating on exams. They are also very gay. They make Radish look like Gary Cooper. Wildman is especially touchy feely with his bros. If these guys could un-closet themselves, they would probably be nicer people. This reminds me of Girls Nite Out with all the college junk. The first murder doesn’t occur until past the 45 minute mark. It doesn’t bother me though, I like this. I love the way the killer stalks his victims in this flick.

Jeez Courtney, you are such a fucking whiner! Boo hoo, Lisa is so beautiful, she has things so easy! All she has to do is get by on her looks! Grow a pair of balls, you morose beyatch. Oh man, Radish is not gay after all. He just half-assedly confessed his feeling for Courtney and by doing so made me realize that the actor playing him is definitely gay. Once the ball gets rolling, this film really comes together. Courtney, our final girl, is left all by herself to run around and look for help while shrilly screaming and screaming. I feel prone to yell out advice for her at the screen; the sign of a great slasher. Its corny, painfully typical, but totally awesome.

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10:47am

Bloody Birthday

I don’t trust this DVD. What is up with these obviously newly generated titles? Weird. The eclipse is coming and with it comes creepy wind and the birth of three children. Flash forward ten years to another obnoxious couple making out and being stupid. They decide to climb into an open grave to do some more making out. What the hell? They die horribly and I couldn’t be happier.

In a classroom full of obnoxious kids, there are three particularly smug little shitheads: Curtis, Debbie, and Steven. They are the three eclipse babies grown into three ten year old freaks. OH WOW, an extended nude scene with Julie Brown. I have waiting all my life for this moment. My childhood crush is butt naked. Thank you, Bloody Birthday! This is the best present ever. She plays Debbie’s older, ditzy, and decidedly trampy sister.

The three little monsters kill the sheriff in a very, very improbable way. It’s kind of hilarious. Joyce talks about spooky crap, astrological gobbledygook, the eclipse, and fate. After an action sequence in the junkyard and more evil children running amok stuff, I come to the conclusion that it is impossible not to love this movie. I love the scene where Curtis is running around the suburbs at night with the revolver, looking for victims. He’s our neighborhood friendly Son of Son of Sam.

Curtis makes Joyce look like a loony in front of everyone during the Ant Poison in the Cake Icing Birthday Party sketch, I mean scene. Now Joyce’s boyfriend Paul shows up to scare the crap out of her and try to score. Looks like he is going to get to do both. I cannot stress enough how hot Julie Brown is in this movie. Her death scene is fucking brilliant too. It’s not a spoiler, you knew it was coming!

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“Okay Billy. Time to rock and roll, here we go.”

12:24pm

Rocktober Blood

The movie opens with those words and then some really boss metal comes screaming from a totally shitty metal band called Rocktober Blood. Billy is a douche frontman and of course, he has banged the cute backup singer chick, Lynne Starling. She goes into the studio to belt out some bitchin’ lyrics: You’ve got rainbow eyes! You’ve got RAINBOW EYES! She and the producer decide to call it a night. The killer wears combat boots! The producer gets his throat slashed while she gets nekkid for a dip in the hot tub. Yup, everything is just fine.

Billy is one creepy psycho bastard. He apparently kills 25 of his fans (off camera), kills the engineer, some random rock chick, tortures Lynne, gets caught, and is executed. Two years later, Lynne is now the leader of Rocktober Blood. At their tour announcement party, Lynne gets harassed by Billy. But wait! He’s supposed to be dead! What gives? My copy of this film is a little gamy. The whole top of the screen is just slightly purple and makes every scene look a little trippy. Someone is definitely trying to drive Lynne crazy.

Break out the leotards and the Flashdance routines, Lynne and her buds are working up a sweat. The girls are arguing and it’s pretty amusing because they have these adorable southern accents. Uh oh, watch out for those very scary combat boots. This is kind of slow. Oops, I just dozed off there. I don’t think I missed anything.

They decide to dig up Billy’s body. The body in the grave looks like a funhouse skeleton (its eyeballs are still intact). Hilarious. Lynne is kind of a bitch. She hollers a lot. If she was a little nicer, people might be more inclined to protect her from danger. She might even be able to convince someone that Billy is back from the dead. The twist of this movie is absolutely horrid and insulting to the viewer.

All hell is breaking loose on stage and the drummer just plays right on through it all. Wow! What this movie lacks in excitement it makes up for in comedy and a high body count. I love the killer’s microphone stand/axe thingie used to gut the dancers. I get up and dance to the closing song. I promise you there was air guitar in my performance.

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“Fear? Fear!?! Fear is not in my vocabulary!”

1:59pm

Hide and Go Shriek

Some duder who likes to wear makeup picks up a hooker and knifes her. Now we’re off to the suburbs where some rad high school aged teens are getting together for a partay. Screw the spell check, I know what I’m doing. They hop into a minivan because they are going somewhere, I guess. Oh wait, the teens are gonna hide out in the store that is owned by one of the goofball’s dads. Sorry there’s a lot of mumbled dialog in this one. What they don’t know is that the guy’s dad has hired this super creepy ex-con dockworker and he lives in the freakin’ store!

If I were to judge this movie just on the quality of the teenage victims then I would call it AMAZING. Some meathead just stood up and shouted how they are about graduate from high school and go on to do “great things”. Lovely. What better way to liven things up in a dark and creepy furniture store than with a game of hide and seek. The couples are sneaking around, getting it on, drinking champagne, being obnoxious, etc.

Well, the killer isn’t the creepy dockworker in the basement. He has a tattoo of a snake on his hand and this killer doesn’t. Or maybe there are two killers. Or maybe I have no idea what the damn hell is going on. There are lots of creepy mannequins (which I like) and overly dark scenes (which I am not as fond of) in this flick. The characters are just running around and being friggin’ morons. The virginal chick just did a striptease for her boyfriend. This is just like real life.

Every time the killer claims another victim, he takes their clothes and their identities just long enough to kill someone else. That is the saving grace of this movie. That and the funny performances. First Bonnie was screeching and now everyone is screeching. Perhaps they are shrieking. Whoa, nice decapitation! Oh, ha ha ha! You will never guess the ending of Hide and Go Shriek, my friends. It is wrong on so many levels.

Nap Time

I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Four movies down, yahoo! I crash out on the bed for about 45 minutes. When I wake up and go out into the living room, LeEtta walks through the front door and hands me a small Styrofoam container full of leftover sushi from lunch. And she has brought me Vitamin Water. It’s like waking up into a magical dream. She heats up her leftovers from Gino’s (the Italian place next door) and Margie has tuna fish and a tomato. My lunch was so huge that five pieces of sushi are just fine for me. Time for the next movie.

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5:14pm

Sweet Sixteen

The film opens with the completely agonizing song called “Melissa” and a nude scene from Melissa herself. Then Sweet Sixteen turns into an entirely different movie. There are a bunch of redneck fuckwads attempting to commit a hate crime on a cool old Native American duder but his hunky grandson, Jason Longshadow, steps in and kicks some ass. Melissa is there and she picks up some kook named Johnny. They get high and her dad catches them. Wait, she is fifteen years old? Wow. Oh yeah, duh, the title of the movie.

Anyway, Johnny gets wacked (and not the good kind) while he drinks alone out in the old burial ground. His buddy Hank and Hank’s sister Marcy are moderately upset about Johnny’s death. They live with their dad, Sheriff Dan who is played by Bo freakin’ Hopkins. This movie is pretty different from other slashers I’ve seen. The Native American angle is very unique and not too exploitative.

I love Melissa’s fake bad girl routine. She hits on a jock duder and it is funny as hell. Of course, any boy who gets involved with Melissa gets offed. Suspicion falls on old Grayfeather, Jason Longshadow’s grandpa and the rednecks decide to dole out their own brand of justice. Marcy and Melissa have it out at Johnny’s funeral and it is melodramatic magic. This means Melissa can finally stop being a total asshole. At her sweet sixteen party, Melissa is radiant. I think everything is going to be all right. Oh wait. There is some cool slow motion stuff happening. Uh oh, all is not right. I won’t spoil ANYTHING for you. This is a very, very different slasher. I dig it.

aerobicide

6:48pm

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout)

I think this was made in the 80s! After an amazing opening song, there is a tanning bed malfunction. Next up is some super sexy aerobics footage with lots of women wearing leotards and lots of makeup. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a magical place called Rhonda’s Workout. After closing, a beautiful black chick gets killed with a giant safety pin. One of the females employees of Rhonda’s likes to go through the men’s lockers to inspect and admire the jockstraps.

Morgan the detective is a bad ass duder. He shows up to question people about the murder. Everyone suspects some chick named Diane because she is super creepy. Rhonda Johnson owns the place and she is a super bitch. Whoa. There is an awesome fight scene between Chuck (the new guy) and Jimmy (the creep). Their muscle-bound brawling would kill a normal, wimpy guy instantly.

This movie features lots of crappy music and more aerobics footage. Aerobicide totally blows but it is also completely brilliant. The bodies just keep piling up and then Jimmy (the creep) has a weird sex fantasy after getting a concussion. After this scintillating insight into the mind of Jimmy, he gets killed. Damn, this movie is like watching a Member’s Only jacket fuck a pair of legwarmers, only not as sexy. Oh wait, Jimmy is alive. Then who the hell was that other guy?

I know he’s supposed to be our hero or whatever but Chuck (the new guy) is a jerk. You can’t have a rake fight with only one rake you fool! The aerobics footage remind LeEtta of the classic film, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I command her to log onto Amazon immediately and purchase that DVD. There is a chase scene and I hate this movie so much that I just start scribbling in black ink over whatever notes I was taking. When the Aerobicide theme song starts playing again (Aerobicide! Working out until you die!), I get up and do some mock-aerobics for the amusement of LeEtta and Margie. It feels good and only moderately humiliating, especially after how traumatizing this film was.

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“This Sunday is my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”

8:21pm

Slumber Party Massacre 2

Her name is Courtney. She is a dreamer. She is dreaming about horrible things, especially events from the first movie. She is the little sister all grown up. She is in a cool band with her friends. That is the good news. Her mom is an overprotective weirdo and her sister Valerie is in a loony bin. Courtney has to beg her mom to let her go away for a weekend with her band. She gets what she wants so she and her band go to a big empty condo. Courtney’s nightmares get worse.

There is a whole Nightmare on Elm Street vibe to this one. It is all very surreal. Champagne and corndogs and a slow motion pillow fight. Two idiot jerks show up and spoil all the fun. During her first night at the condo, Courtney has even more dream sequences and literally gallons of blood. LeEtta points out that there would be no movie without the dreams. I agree but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This film is trippy as hell and I love it. Everyone thinks Courtney is crazy. Sally’s pulsing little pimple turns into one of the nastiest things I’ve ever seen in a horror film. There is a Sixteen Candles moment and then everything just goes nuts. Nothing and everything is real. The killer looks like a skinny Andrew Dice Clay. This is an absurd music video. This has great lighting and great everything. Slumber Party Massacre 2 needs less rockabilly and more metal. Oh snap! It was all just a dream. Or was it. There really is no answer!

Goodnight

After the supreme majesty of Slumber Party Massacre 2, I decide to call it a night. I could go for another film but I made my 7 films per day quota for this moviethon plus I still have chores in the morning. I spend the rest of the evening organizing my notes and thinking about SPM2. I guess the only real dud today was Rocktober Blood. But was it really a dud? How could anything that bad be bad? You know what I’m saying? Now that I think on it, Hide and Go Shriek maybe wasn’t so good. Shut up, Richard! You’re not being nearly gnarly or radical enough for this moviethon.

Saturday

I woke up early and felt very refreshed this morning. I didn’t dream of a man with a drill guitar which is rather surprising. After a trip to 7-11 where I get an apple fritter the size of my head and LeEtta gets coffee for herself and Margie, I finish the morning chores. It is very hot outside and the air is pretty rank. Wow, it isn’t even June yet and it is sweltering. Well, everything is taken care of. Let’s do this!

cheerleadercamp

10:03am

Cheerleader Camp

I really like the music for this one. Allison is going through lockers in a dark gymnasium while the camera stalks around her. She is having a really obvious dream with heavy-handed symbolism. In the first 6 minutes of this film, a fat man gets his ass stuck in a van window. Miss Tipton welcomes us all to Camp Hurrah. Chicks are bickering and Brent is “hot to trot”. I love Cory. She is the mascot who has to “go through life as an alligator”. I will use quotes in every sentence from now on.

There is a moment when the girls are sunning themselves and it is the most unnatural scene ever staged in a film. One girl is already dead and it looks like a suicide but you and I know differently. Allison is full of doubts about herself. She pops pills, brushes her hair too hard (which reminds me of Tawny Kitaen in Witchboard), and has visions of bleeding out of her face. Oh no, why are Brent and Timmy the fat duder rapping? Allison goes looking for sodas. The creepy chef tells her to the freezer which she does. Inside, she starts chugging milk. Oh yeah, and she discovers the dead chick’s body.

Miss Tipton is banging the sheriff in a very funny scene. What the hell kind of a cheerleader camp is this? I hope they aren’t paying much for tuition. Allison and Cory are so deep. They have great philosophical talks. I’m wondering if this is a slasher movie. Oops, spoke too soon! Someone just got hedge clippers jammed into the back of her head.

At the big party, the camp has hired a band that is part punky, part metally, part new wavey, and all terrible. For lack of a better term, I refer to this band as “badical”. Bodies start piling up and everyone flees the scene except for our trusty cheer crew because someone has sabotaged their van. Timmy is a genius. Instead of running for his life, he stays in the woods in hopes to film the killer. We’ll miss you, Timmy. Holy shit, awesome ending. What a great way to start the day!

sororityhousemassacre

12:43pm

Sorority House Massacre

We start with some excellent music and a girl in a hospital bed. She is Beth and something bad has happened. Next thing we see, she shows up at a sorority house. Meanwhile, a madman in an asylum named Robert AKA Bobby starts howling and generally freaking out. Wow, this is really trippy too. Lots of dreamy slasher moments in this moviethon. Weird mannequins, dripping blood, and lots of slow motion photography. There are even shots from SMP2.

Next we meet Sarah, a plucky sorority cutie and my favorite character in the movie. This takes place on Memorial Day weekend. How ironic since we are watching this on Memorial Day weekend. Beth is having visions of a killer duder but her biggest problem is her awful outfit. I am digging this film already. There is all kinds of psychobabble and pseudoscience in this. It seems that Beth and this killer are psychically connected.

While Cindy (the stuck up chick) is gone, Beth and the girls sneak into her closet and try on her clothes in a sweet montage full of big shoulder pads and big boobies. I feel conflicted. The madman escapes from the asylum (“That was easy!” LeEtta comments (and she’s totally right)). The boyfriends show up and couples are arranged by height. There’s Andy, a goofy dumbass. Come on, Sarah! You can do better than that. A text from my friend Brad says that people call this film a Halloween rip-off. Ha! That’s pretty funny, I didn’t even think of that.

LeEtta the perfectionist notices that none of the lights are on in the house but the TV works just fine. The idiots find the murderer’s weapon hidden under a brick in the fireplace. They hypnotize Beth and she sees more and more of her past. She is the sole survivor of her brother’s massacre and- Whoa! Those are some huge bobbins on Tracy. They’re like titacular flesh missiles with nipple warheads.

Bobby shows up and the fun begins! This film mixes dreams with reality quite nicely. The revelation comes and it is pretty heavy handed at this point. The writers think the audience are a bunch of morons and are too stupid to follow along. Man, where would slasher movies be if people just kept hitting the killer when he’s down? How about we sever the head or bash a skull in for a change? Oh well.

curtains

2:10pm

Curtains

Brad (who is several states away) and I synchronize our DVD players and fire up Curtains. This film opens up ostentatiously enough with curtains opening. Very nice. A director, Johnathan Stryker (played by John Vernon), and his lead actress, Samantha (ohhhh, Samantha Eggar), go to see a psychologist and she flips out. Oh wait, she wants to get committed so she can study for her role. That, my friends, is a bad plan. So she’s in the loony bin and preparing for her role in the lead in the play called Audra. Of course, Stryker abandons her there.

Months later, Stryker is auditioning some chicks for Audra (at his house?) and oh snap, Samantha has escaped from the asylum with revenge on her mind. A rape scene turns out to be just a bored couple role-playing. Isn’t that sweet. Creepy doll moment! Hey, this movie is awesome. Patti, the comedienne chick, is great. She will probably be getting the best lines in this film and then the “perverted kid at the gas station” scene happens and I am totally right!

At the creepy old house, the tension between the actresses all vying for the same part is cranking up. Samantha makes her big entrance and I have to say she deserves to kill the shit out of Stryker. The guy is a major douchebagel. In a standout scene, the ice-skating chick finds that creepy doll buried in the snow and then the super freaky killer comes after her in ice-skates, wielding a scythe. That is what I call slasher perfection. Why the fuck is this film so hard to find? The stalking scene in the theatrical prop storage room reminded me of Blood and Black Lace. This is really good.

Short Break

I take Shadow out for a walk and it is very weird outside. It is also excruciatingly muggy out. The clouds are just hanging in the sky. If there is a breeze, I sure as shit can’t feel it. Once Shadow has finished relieving himself, I rush home as quickly as possible. Time for another movie. This next one is brought to us by the magical internet. I’ll be watching it on my computer.

hospitalmassacre

4:10pm

Hospital Massacre

Harold gives a little girl a valentine and she doesn’t respond very positively. So he kills her little brother. Flash forward 20 years and the little girl is all grown up. Her name is Susan (Barbi Benton). She has a freaky ex-husband and a daughter. This music is fantastic and this acting feels very TV movie of the week. Susan is going to the hospital for a routine checkup and things are immediately very bizarre. Yay! Another weird flick for the moviethon!

She gets on an elevator with some crazy person who is eating a hamburger dripping with ketchup. The killer shows up and he is a freaky duder in full surgeon’s regalia who grunts and breaths heavy. The killer switches Susan’s test results with that of a dying patient so that she has to stay in the hospital for more tests. This friggin’ movie is so damn strange. It is hospital freaky freaky!

Susan is on a table while a creepy doctor (who may or may not be the killer) is giving her an examination. It is cold, clinical, tense, and very off-putting. In fact, this movie is starting to get under my skin. It is making me uneasy and not in a good way. Susan gets lost in the seemingly endless halls of this hospital. The killer’s manipulations of the hospital bureaucracy is pretty brilliant. And the music! Every time the killer claims a victim, this odd chorus of female voices plays over the soundtrack. It’s rather Suspiria-like. I will never set foot in a hospital again.

Cigar Break

Shelly has come over though she is not exactly joining the moviethon. She, LeEtta, and Margie are going to a drag show. Yeah, I typed that correctly. I will be left alone with the slashers for a little while this evening. Out on the patio, Shelly smokes clove cigarettes (now marketed as clove cigars because of some ridiculous law) while I smoke a very dark Cain cigar. It is muggy and my Arizona watermelon drink is no help in cooling me off. When we get back inside the girls take off for true adventure.

slayerthe

7:05pm

The Slayer

I text Brad to let him know that I started this film and he does the same. You see, I’m not alone! The Slayer starts with a wicked nightmare sequence and I am hooked already. Our main lady is named Kay and she is haunted by some crazy visions. She and her husband David and another couple (her brother Eric and his wife Brooke) are going to spend a their vacation in an isolated beachside house. Kay might be disturbed. She is definitely an artist. They arrive on the island and it is gloomy and creepy. Major foreshadowing here. This is gonna be so good.

The guys are chill (even though Eric is a total dick) but the women folk are real complainers. The creepy caretaker is warning them about the coming storm but you know he’s talking about so much more. Some weirdo on the book is talking to himself when- Whack! Oar crushes skull! Take that, under-developed character. Where has this movie been all my life?

Brad makes a good point: “Nice to see adult characters in a slasher.” The storm comes and things get super spooky. Severed head awesomeness! Okay, that was just cool as hell. David is gone so everyone goes looking for him. Kay’s hair is almost as frightening as this movie – major helmet-head. She thinks the thing from her dreams is going to kill them all. Oops, they gave her sleeping pills. The dread is creeping in. Now Kay is alone and fighting to stay awake. This easily the scariest film I’ve seen in a while. Fucking awesome.

Long Break

I call up Brad so we can discuss The Slayer and we end up bullshitting for an hour and a half. Woops. I guess I could have watched a movie in that time but hey, we talked about slashers! I get off the phone so I can walk to 7-11 for some dinner. I get a hot dog and a Coke Slurpee. There is a storm in the distance and there is lightning in the clouds. For some reason, the parking lot of 7-11 and the parking lot of Gino’s are jumping. People really freak me out. I keep waiting for the machetes and knifes to come out. After laying waste to my dinner, I put on another film.

slaughterhigh

10:25pm

Slaughter High

Bitchin’ metal music, man! Caroline Munro pretending to be a high school student? All right. She and her dickhead friends stage a rather elaborate prank on Marty Rantzen, the school’s biggest nerd. Oh great, I just saw that dude’s dick. Man, these high school students are ancient. And the cruelty just won’t stop. The next prank goes too far and Marty gets blown up and hideously burned in the science lab. Fast forward some years and Caroline Munro is an actress with a sleazy manager. I love the way this is filmed.

I can’t tell if Munro is really awful or if it is her putrid American accent. Everyone in this movie is so obnoxious. And now the music sounds like plonky fart sounds. All these prankster assholes show up at the reunion and no one else. They break into the now condemned high school to party while a thunderstorm kicks up outside. The British actors are all trying to pretend to be Americans. This is the high school reunion that you bring a machine gun to.

A douchebagel drinks a poisoned beer and his guts explode. How quaint. All kinds of crazy shit starts happening. The idiots are locked in and the bars on the windows are electrified. Nice gore effects! If you decide to watch Slaughter High, prepare yourself to root for the villain and you’ll do just fine. All the bodies disappeared! Queue the theremin. The chase sequence at the end goes on too long but the ending is excellent. The biggest problem in this movie is Caroline Munro’s wardrobe. She is wearing this white Abba paintsuit with Bea Arthur shoulder pads. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.

Goodnight

The girls return from their evening at Hamburger Mary’s where they witnessed a drag show. Once Slaughter High is over, I grab my guitar and strum along while listening to the stories of the crazy stuff I missed. When things die down and folks have sufficiently sobered up, we call it a night.

Sunday

Last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t get the characters from Hospital Massacre or Slaughter High out of my head. It was a slasher crossover of epic proportions and it was more than a little hallucinatory. To calm my racing mind, I thought about guitar pedals and effects loops. BAM! Instantly asleep. And then BAM! Acid reflux. Less than an hour later, I was in the kitchen munching on saltines and chastising myself for eating garbage after 10pm. Sigh, thems are the breaks. I slept like a rock until 10 in the morning. I know I dreamed but I don’t remember my dreams. My body needed the sleep but I’m still annoyed. Only 6 movies yesterday? Lame. That just means I have got to get righteous today. Okay kids, bring on the corpses and boobs!

splatteruniversity

10:54am

Splatter University

Somewhere in New York City, or Jersey, or some other godforsaken place, there is a crazy people ward with a bunch of annoying patients acting stupid. One of the patients finds a knife. Then some nurse with a terrible attitude gives an orderly and another nurse some grief while she smokes casually in the hallway. She is unbelievably hot. The orderly gets stabbed in the dick and we’re off. After a charmingly simple synthesizer-infused credit sequence, I fall in love with this film. Then it’s St. Trinians College three years later. Then a chick gets killed. Then it’s St. Trinians College one year later. What the hell?

Miss Parker aces her interview with the priest at St. Trinians. He warns her that her classroom is jinxed and that a girl was murdered there. I like this chick. She’s a little frumpy but she’s got a lot of class. But maybe she’s a secret hottie. Oh no, we are introduced to our future victims and they are horrible. It’s a bunch of lunkheads that weren’t charismatic enough for their Jersey Shore audition. I am going to tell you right now, I fucking hate the fuck out of these fuckers. I can’t tell if Splatter University is funny or thinks it’s being funny. We might have a case of unthinkable sarcasm or sub-irony here. I’m guessing this is a comedy. That makes me feel sad.

The first day on the job, Miss Parker gets in trouble when the students bring up abortion for debate topic in her sociology class while a priest is observing. My favorite character is Tony. He’s cheating on his girlfriend with a girl with huge hair. She asks him if he brought a condom and he tells her he’s already wearing it. He’s just a genuinely charming guy. Speaking of charm, this movie has loads of it. The cheap look, crappy sound, recycled footage, and infantile performances actually work.

I thought Slaughter High had the least likable characters of the moviethon but oh no, this is where all the jerks are at. Miss Parker is cool and I was right, she is totally a secret hottie. And she’s the only person that doesn’t make my skin crawl. She starts dating Mark, the suspicious professor who lies about knowing the teacher who got killed in her classroom. The murders are piling up and I’m just thinking to myself, “I wonder what the next flick in the moviethon will be.” Splatter University is good for a laugh or two but it’s not what one might call essential. I am very happy when it is over.

memorialvalleymassacre

“Besides those yayhoos couldn’t punch their way through a wet cracker anyways.”

12:19pm

Memorial Valley Massacre

From dirt cheap to only moderately cheap. The opening sequence has wretched muzak and stock footage. Cameron Mitchell? That’s all I needed to know! Cam is a big blowhard who is opening Memorial Valley for the public before it’s ready. His son David shows up looking for work and he is required by law to give him a job. David takes a lot of grief for being boss’s son from Ranger Webster. Oh, what’s this? There is some kind of a caveman causing trouble for the campers. No seriously. Did I mention this is a comedy?

Memorial Valley Massacre is a parade of wrong down a dead end street. The caveman is kind to the animals and all of the campers are stupid scumbags. It’s nature vs. city folk and we are all going to lose no matter what the outcome. The terrible fat kid goes for a spin on an ATV and the caveman takes him out. I’ll be damned if this isn’t entertaining. Deke, the cool old black guy, tells David about how Ranger Webster’s kid was kidnapped but never found and the police suspect that his body is buried somewhere in Memorial Valley. I’m ashamed for the screenwriters now.

A bear is blamed for the fat kid’s death and Ranger Webster refuses to shut the place down. He rounds up a posse of idiots with guns to go looking for the bear. This film is incalculably terrible and yet I like it. I just wish Cameron Mitchell would come back. Sigh. Today is going to be long and painful. One guy gets speared in the stomach AND throw into a pit of spikes. Margie asks if that’s overkill and I say that there I no such thing as overkill in a slasher movie.

The caveman finally meets a girl trampy enough to talk him through lovemaking but he gets too excited and breaks her back. Ugh, when is this going to end? Margie, LeEtta, and I have lots of questions for this movie. Why does the caveman not have a beard? How does he know how to operate a bulldozer? These will never be answered but at least we have them. That one chick notices that it’s Memorial Day and for some reason all hell breaks loose immediately. Stuff happens, the credits roll, and I feel like trying crystal meth for the first time. Screw it! Time for the next film.

dormthatdrippedblood

2:03pm

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

I don’t know who to trust. I don’t want to get attached to any of these characters. I’ve been hurt so many times before. Some guy gets strangled and just for an added bonus the killer cuts off a couple of his fingers. The movies are happening to fast for me to process them. That cute chick from other movies is in this. Her name is Debbie. She is somebody named something. Zuniga! Daphne Zuniga. There are people cleaning out a dorm, I think. There’s a girl on the phone and she is upset because they were going to take 75 tables and now they don’t know what they’re doing. SHIT. Maybe the crystal meth wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Debbie is going home for the holidays with her ugly parents. I’m not kidding, her parents are insanely ugly. Oops, now they’re all dead! See, that’s why I shouldn’t get close to people. Now that Debbie is gone I don’t know I’m be able to keep going. So now Joann is the girl we are supposed to be following. I feel so ashamed. I don’t want anyone else to die. This movie is pretty good so far.

Let me just make it clear right now that I am having trouble writing down my thoughts because they are nonsense. Joann is having doubts about her relationship with a guy who looks vaguely like Krist Novoselic (before he want bald). Some creepo has been sneaking around Dayton Hall and causing problems but he really just wants to be around people. He lacks the social graces! And he might have stolen a drill. I like Patty. She is cute and she has the hots for somebody. Her boyfriend Bryan isn’t going to be too happy about that.

So they’re in the dorm, the phone line it cut, and the lights are out. It is that simple, my friends. There are some cool scenes and I know that I am not doing this one justice. Gruesome kills. Nicely shot. Awesome score. Smart final girl which is always a plus. And that ending is wicked brutal. Oh jeez. I did not see that coming.

preythe

“Gypsies always go away, don’t they?”

3:34pm

The Prey

I put on this DVD from Cinema de Bizarre. It looks like their source is either the Japanese VHS or the laserdisc. Oh goodie, kids going camping. Gayle (beyatch), Bobby, and some dudez. And there’s a park ranger. Nature footage. The killer has monstrous creature hands. This is okay. A snake eats a mouse and people are mumbling around the campfire. One dude starts telling a story and we get a flashback to some gypsies telling a story about a killer. Levels of reality, my friends. Levels. Fuck, these fuckers can’t tell a fucking story to save their lives. The sepia tone for the flashback fades away but we’re still in the past.

Some gypsy has sex with a lady. It was totally consensual but she claims rape. Now everyone hates the gypsies. The people who shot this crap were in love with making movies and not watching them. Where’s Johnny Depp? He’s supposed to be a Chocolat gypsy, right? LeEtta points out that these are decidedly European gypsies. What are they doing in Great Depression era America or whatever? This damn gypsy party is going on forever and forever.

I am getting the distinct impression that this was two unrelated films joined together to make a mountain of suck. There’s lots of sex in this movie and everyone is panting and moaning and hissing. I fast-forward through a couple of these sex scenes. Sorry. Most of the music for this film sounds like stuff from the library archives. Despite the unrelated gypsy footage and the obviously padded storyline, I still love the ending.

Short Break

Me walk dog. Me hear screams of children. Happy screams. The sun is burning my brain. Me come back. Me wash face. Me get second wind. There is a dead snake.

dontgointhewoods

5:36pm

Don’t Go in the Woods

[The following is a transcript of audio captured with a handheld voice recorder.]

[beep]

Richard: My name is Richard. It is 5:36 on a Sunday afternoon and I am about to press play on Don’t Go in the Woods. But before I do that, I am going to mention that my wife LeEtta and I went outside and picked up a dead snake. It was not something that we are collecting but we decided to pick it up and throw it away because it was going to rot and get all stinky. And the maintenance people are off today because of the holiday weekend so we took care of the rotting corpse of the snake.

And now we are going to have some dinner shortly- Oh, we washed our hands. Let me make that abundantly clear. And we are going to watch a movie. There’s a pork roast in the oven and LeEtta is frying up some vegetables and I believe there is going to be some rice. So, I will start this movie now.

[beep]

This is what is known as a backwoods slasher film. The reason it is called backwoods is because it was filmed in the woods out back behind the community college. There were over 6 backwoods slasher movies make during the 1980s. This is one of those 6. What you need to know about this movie is that it takes place in the backwoods. There are trees, creeks, sticks, branches, water, sunlight, there are probably caves, and there might be nighttime when the sun goes down. If that is a spoiler, I apologize.

[beep]

I should mention that there are campers in this movie. Campers are people that go into nature in order to camp. They often like to bring short shorts or sleeveless shorts. Sometimes they are prone to humping. Sometimes they are prone to arguing and getting lost. These particular campers are very attractive people. They were born in the 80s and therefore the movie takes place in the 80s.

So far we have seen one person get killed. This person was not a camper. This person appeared to be a nature observer or a scientist. This person was killed with an object of sharpness. It was not clear what it was but his face got hurt and his arm was cut off. Then there was screaming and the camera cut away. I’m not sure what we missed but I am sure it was very exciting what we didn’t see. This is a movie.

[beep]

One surprising aspect of Don’t Go In The Woods is the presence of cameras in urban settings. In something that resembled a police station in a city or town there are people talking and there is a woman who is dubbed. That is not her voice. I’m not sure how they can show an acting without sharing their voice. There is a man with curly blond hair who is talking but I can’t hear what he is saying because I am recording this. There is a fat sheriff in this movie. A frighteningly fat sheriff.

This is film is made with film and it is old looking despite the fact that it was made sometimes in the 80s. It looks old as though, for instance, there were things that look old about it. Sometimes the camera is out of focus. I believe that this is an artist measure to keep us squinting and fearful of what is going to happen in this horror movie. Please wait while I watch the horror movie.

[beep]

I just want to say here and now that this is probably the greatest film ever made out in the woods with a Farah Fawcett rug on the ceiling of a camper. There is a woman who says things. She has a hawk-nose and she says horrible things. And there’s this guy named Dick who’s her lover and he keeps repeating himself over and over again. And I think perhaps he has earn an Oscar for his performance several times over. Fifteen honorary Oscars for every moment he is onscreen. And now Dick is dead. Poor Dick.

[beep]

My mother-in-law believes that aviator sunglasses are racist because more than just aviators wear them. It seems an unfair stereotype to refer to those sunglasses as aviator sunglasses. I need to point something out about this movie while I am talking about it. There are people being stabbed and there is blood flying everywhere.

LeEtta: Furry hands!

Richard: My wife said something about furry hands. She may be saying something-

LeEtta: The attacker had furry hands.

Richard: She may be saying something not related to the movie. But I believe she said the attacker had furry hands which means that the attacker is one of those people that dresses up like a panda bear and has sex in convention halls.

[beep]

One thing that many people don’t realize about Don’t Go in the Woods is that it is a dialog driven movie. For those of you who are dialog lovers, this DVD has provided you with the remastering . The music is loud, the screaming is loud, the sound effects are loud, um… Unfortunately the dialog is mixed very quietly so you may want to turn on the subtitle option so you can figure out what’s going on the movie. There is no subtitle option on this movie because deaf people can’t hear. So who is going to type it up? A bunch of listeners? I don’t believe that’s fair or right or just. This is American, people, let’s see what we can do.

[beep]

One of the aspects of Don’t Go in the Woods is the wondrous music used throughout this film. In particular is the music used when the killer -who is a mountain man- shows up in his fur-wrapped baton talon knife javelin sword with the people he is trying to kill. It is a curious sound and my wife has identified it as a bouncy rubber ball. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. This sound when you hear it, it means run because that means the killer is coming.

There are t-shirts in this movie and tents and roots of trees. Um… I haven’t seen any insects but I am assuming there are insects. There are jeans and t-shirts and rocks in this movie. There are also branches of trees. LeEtta asked the question why do women have the baggy shirts and why do men have the tight shirts. And the answer is obvious. Those aren’t women. Those are men. Very, very sultry men.

LeEtta: In aviator sunglasses.

Richard: Don’t be a racist. It’s not about aviator sunglasses. Do you want to be in a street fight? Then don’t wear your aviators! Don’t wear your aviators!

[beep]

Hellos this is Richard again. We have reached the hour mark and we are done with this movie. I just want to make a note of that. This movie should be ending. Um… So… Just letting you know that.

[beep]

Far be it from me for criticizing a movie for being different but- Wait a minute! What the fuck? I was just about to talk shit about this movie because the girls are out of commission. One girl dead. One girl in the hospital. But they just went on this little hunting party to go find Joanie and they brought Ingrid along to help collect evidence. And of course, she’s completely traumatized, wrapped in a blanket, and staring at a bloody machete. And… there’s one other thing. She looks like a boy!

LeEtta: She does. She looks like one of the Weasley twins.

Richard: Ohhhhh. Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

[beep]

Okay, this is Richard and the movie is over. LeEtta would you like to share your thoughts on this film?

LeEtta: Oh my God.

Richard: Could you elaborate?

LeEtta: There’s a little girl in the woods and she’s-

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: No, there was always a little girl in the woods.

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: In the beginning there was… axe. Axes?

Richard: Axe me a question, I’ll tell you no lies.

LeEtta: I forgot what the [unintelligible] was. [laughing]

Richard: That was my wife. So Margie, would you care to comment on the movie?

Margie: I didn’t get to see the whole thing.

Richard: What did you think of what you saw?

LeEtta: The Teddy Bears’ Picnic!

Margie: It would be a spoiler.

LeEtta: It’s the Teddy Bears’ Picnic.

Richard: That is awesome. That is a perfect closing song for this perfect movie.

[beep]

initiationthe

7:28pm

The Initiation

This movies starts off with some neato synthesizers and dolls with their heads ripped off. A little girl is seeing her mommy bang a strange man. Her father walks in, flips out, fights with the stranger, and then dies in the ensuing fire. It was a dream! Flash forward to some awesome sorority chicks in lingerie standing over the waking Kelly (Zuniga again) and chanting.

Next thing, we go to a madhouse with some crazy patients. Could Kelly’s dad be alive? No way! The mean old nurse can’t control the patients. Zuniga has more dreams/nightmares. Hey, this is a smart movie. But don’t fret, there is time for melodrama (dead serious confessions) and clowning around (sorority and fraternity pranks).

She has to help the sorority girls break in to her father’s department store. The pledges’ mission is to steal the uniform off the hunky security guard there. They don’t know that the poor bastard is already dead. The bitchy sister from hell has something up her sleeve so the girls get a big scare. This is really good. How the hell did I wait so long to watch this? Time just flies. Never a dull moment. I wish I had more to say.

houseonsororityrow

“Aim at that sack over there.”

9:13pm

The House on Sorority Row

Please note: For some reason, I lost the ability to take notes during this movie. I could neither type nor write them down by hand. After I begged her to help me, LeEtta agreed to take over. Here is what she wrote down:

Hello, this is LeEtta reporting.

Sorority babes just graduated and stick around to help clean up the house.

Balloon looks like a boob.

Hey, so the house mother is the lady giving birth in the first scene.

It’s an uprising!

Uh oh! Doc is giving the lowdown on Ms. Frazier’s (the house mother’s) craziness.

A GUN, A GUN.

Hey, that gun is loaded.

Oh damn, accidental death.

Richard says: The one thing that really dates this movie is the band.

Richard says: That’s more Peter than I can handle!

Richard says: Ah! I love the knowing glances.

Hey look, old fuses.

What’s with the saggy bottom boys?

“I’m a sea pig.”

That is a fantastic figure to put clothes on.

Yeah! Put the body in the dumpster.

Dead bird in cage.

Richard is making suppositions about Peter.

In case of emergency, call Doc.

Hide body in open grave – ingenious!

Why the hell is Doc sneaking up on people with hypodermic needles, yo?

Crazy awesome lighting cool hallway shot killer in a mask head in toilet

OH NOES – KILLER ISN’T DEAD!

The Last Short Break

Margie heads off to bed, wishing us the best of luck. We hit the showers for a last bit of energy to get through the last movie. We are relatively delirious. I slam my Mountain Dew just to make sure I can stay on the ball.

intruder

11:01pm

Intruder

I found the laserdisc of this for 50 cents once and started watching it. During the first few minutes I checked IMDB and found out that it was the censored version. I immediately turned off the movie and then totally forgot about it. So here it is, finally. Uh oh Jen is having guy trouble. Her ex, Craig, shows up at her job at the grocery store just before closing and starts making trouble. In fact, he pretty much kicks the asses of all the dudes that work there and then takes off to parts unknown in the store. LeEtta wakes up (I didn’t even noticed that she had dozed off) and decides to call it a night.

The tension builds immediately and you just have to wonder where the hell this is going. The Raimi boys are in this and they are friggin’ great. They catch Craig and throw him out of the store. While waiting for the cops to come, the boss drops the bomb on them; he’s selling the store and their employment ends at the end of the month. As an added bonus they have to stay late repricing the entire store. Jen reveals to her pal Linda that her jerky ex actually killed a guy in a bar brawl so she broke up with him.

This movie is an indie spectacular. There are lots of crazy experimental shots and all kinds of character dynamics and development that you don’t normally see in a slasher. I love the way this is building. What in the world is going to happen? When does this turn into a horror movie? Okay, Linda just got whacked. The dark sense of humor of Intruder just showed itself.

One by one everyone is getting knocked off in increasingly gory ways. There is a table saw scene that reminds me of the one in Joe D’Amato’s Rosso Sangue only done way better. This film is just cool and clever and bad ass. This flick is just way, way over the top. What I love about Intruder is that it feels like something I would have caught on cable back in the day and loved immensely. I love it now (even if it’s a little long-winded).

12:41am

Conclusion

This moviethon, more than all the others before it, feels like it was a very long journey. I can’t remember what movie I started with. And I feel like a different person than the guy I was on Friday morning. When I turn off the lights and walk across the bedroom, even the darkness is disorienting. I can feel the blood of all those murders swirling around me as my brain pulses and these invisible waves roll through, distorting my senses. And to think, people take drugs to feel this way. Fools! Good freakin’ night, my friends. Thank any and all of you for joining me on this ultra-slashy 3 day weekend. Happy Memorial Day.

Final Stats

Total Body Count – 175 (approximately)
Nude Scenes – 37 (boobs, butts, bush, and wieners)

The Doomed Divas Moviethon

doomeddivas-art

I don’t remember the exact moment when I decided to stage the Doomed Divas Moviethon but a dark cloud began to form on the horizon. And it was filled with blood (and chunks of stuff). This sadomasochistic idea of watching Gigli, Crossroads, and Glitter in a row usually elicited groans in the people I told. Some sickos however, were strangely enthusiastic of my proposed endeavor. The response: “Holy shit, please tell me when you’re doing that!” came as something of a surprise to me.

When I got past the fear of submitting myself to something truly soul-destroying and started to actually plan the thing, I conferred with my trusted pop culture guru and friend, Nafa, about what other titles should join the wretchedness. He immediately came up with From Justin to Kelly and winced when I told him that Swept Away would open the festivities. There were other Madonna disasters mentioned such as Shanghai Surprise and Desperately Seeking Susan (which is actually too good to be included). He then suggested Spiceworld and Xanadu while I insisted on Purple Rain (yes, Prince is a diva too) and Can’t Stop the Music (Village People!). Clearly, there is going to be a sequel someday.

So the playlist was set: Swept Away, From Justin to Kelly, Crossroads, Gigli, and Glitter. The key elements here are financial disappointment (unfortunately, Crossroads actually made money, god damn it), unanimous critical disdain, and my own allergic reaction to even contemplating watching these craptacular flicks. So why only 5 titles? Well…

After Giallo Meltdown 3 came and went, the ideas for moviethons were plenty but our new living arrangement made the logistics of a full length moviethon a little more complicated. Back in October of 2009, my mother-in-law Margie moved in with LeEtta and I. At first, I was unsure of what her tolerance would be for some of the truly sick viewing I had in mind. I was also concerned about how she would take to me bogarting the TV for 2 and a half days (standard moviethon length). So what better way to break the ice than with something short and blissfully terrible? Our glittery and bedazzled acid test was about to begin.

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

I’m so glad I set the alarm this morning. We woke up at 9:00 and I could have gone for another couple hours at least. But no time for that, we had errands to run, damn it. This moviethon is different thanks to our new location. We hadn’t had a moviethon yet at the new Doomed Moviethon HQ. We’ve also never had one of our moms joining us for the duration. That’s right, my mother-in-law Margie is our new housemate and she has promised to cook lots and lots of food today. That is different and new. We also have Shadow, our first canine moviethoner. Hell, even our ride is new. That’s right, the 1978 Ford Thunderbird (Frida) has gone to Car Heaven. We now have a Scion xD (Howard) as our official moviethon vehicle.

In the miserable cold rain, LeEtta and I drove out to deliver the recycling over on campus. We still don’t know where a recycling center is on this side of town but we made the trip worth our while. We went to our old usual Saturday morning haunt – the Einstein Bagels on Fowler and 50th – and hit Cigar Castle for old times’ sake. I miss hanging out there and BSing with the owner, Atul, and NOT talking about football with his other patrons. I picked out some fine smokes and we head back home.

sweptaway

12:09pm – Swept Away

Released: 2002
Budget: $10 Million
Box Office: $600k
IMDB Rating: 3.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 5%

In the 80s, Madonna was a god. In the 90s, she ruined sex for everyone. I remember seeing the ‘I Hate Madonna Handbook’ in the grocery store once and actually being tempted to buy it. She got so overexposed and annoying that she just made me seethe with anger whenever she was on TV. That ‘Sex’ book, that friggin’ ‘Erotica’ album, and that topless outfit she wore at that fashion show. Ugh. She kept pushing the envelope until everyone vomited at the very mention of her name. Remember when Drew Barrymore flashed her boobs at David Letterman? That cruel and pointless act. Madonna’s career during the 90s was just like that only more nauseating.

But what about redemption? Certainly, “Ray of Light” and “Hung Up” are reasons to rejoice. When I hear those tunes, I remember what I love about the old girl. There are bright spots in the gloom. But then she did that odious duet with Justin Timberlake. “Tick tock tick tock tick tock!” Worse than that, she covered “The Day the Music Died”. Woops. I don’t even like that song but I sure as fuck hated her cover of it. So Madonna, you’re still on my shit list. Will Swept Away sweep your sins under the rug?

Our friend Kat has arrived. We start the movie and I immediately knock over and break a figurine of a Japanese lady that rests in front of the volume control on the speakers. Damn it, Madonna gets me so excited! I apologize profusely to Margie who takes the pieces away. This might be a bad omen. In Swept Away, Madonna plays an asshole rich lady who curses a lot on a yacht she and her also rich husband rented. Pepe is the Italian fisherman who hates her. But you know he’s gonna fall in love with her. This movie is pretty awkward so far. All of the scenes seem really lethargic and tense. Guy Ritchie could have picked a better actress than Madonna for this movie but it would still be dull and freakish.

“You don’t need eyes to bake cakes.”

The best part of the movie is the crew. The captain and the cooks who work below are hilarious and you can see the director had a good time with their scenes. There’s a great montage set to the rhythms of the rocking boat and it occurs to me that when there is no dialogue this movie is watchable. The first 20 minutes of Swept Away feel like 2 hours. We’re in for the long haul on this cruise. You know what would help this boring ass movie? If only the two people who hated each other could get stuck together somehow. Then the plot could really just come to a complete stop. Oh goodie! They get stranded on a desert island. Just the two of them. And once again, the best scenes are when no one is speaking.

“Let the cold of the night wrestle the last of the beast within you.”

This movie is agony by the way. Kat is astonished by how awful Madonna is. Since Pepe is the fisherman, he is most likely to survive on the island so he immediately establishes his dominance over Madonna. He intends to punish her for being such a beyatch on the boat. But then he takes his game too far. “Call me ‘master’,” Pepe says and my stomach lurches. Where is Tom Hanks when you need him? Next we have an almost rape scene. Pepe wrestles Madonna to the ground and begins to force himself on her. This really disconcerting rape scene begins but stops when he gets her to admit that SHE WANTS HIM TO RAPE HER! Man overboard! Alarm!

What the shit is this shit? Is this one of Madonna’s erotic fantasies played out on the screen for our entertainment? What a kinky freak! Now she’s crawling around on her hands and knees and kissing his feet. Why am I being tortured like this? This is like alien sex or something. Maybe if this was 1976 and Pepe was played by Tomas Milian and Madonna was played by Anita Strindberg, I’d find some enjoyment maybe. But don’t think for an instant that I would be watching this pukefest with my wife, my mother-in-law and one of our female friends. This is really embarrassing.

Poor Kat. First, she thought this was the Madonna movie with Rupert Everett (a hope she abandoned after the first 15 minutes or so). Then they ruin one of her favorite songs, “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star when Madonna and Pepe start falling in love. That’s right. The Italian jerk and the rich beyatch are now in love. Madonna spots a boat and decides not to tell Pepe about it because she’s so happy being subjugated by this horrible man who we’re supposed to like. Later, they get rescued and Pepe freaks out because he doesn’t know if she ever really loved him. Let the guy go, he has PMTSD (Post Madonna Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Did I mention that we are all in very real physical pain this movie is causing us? We only have 10 minutes to go and they are gearing up to be the longest of our lives. I wish I was at the post office or the DMV right now. So Madonna’s mean husband hatches the most transparent scheme ever concocted to keep Pepe and Madonna apart. AND IT WORKS! They don’t end up together. Kat points out that this plot device may have worked if the movie was set in 1820 or something. What a terrible ending. Nice going, Guy Dickie. They’re perfect for each other and they should be able to be together because you know they’re just going to destroy whoever they end up with. Did I mention this a remake?

fromjustintokelly

2:07pm – From Justin to Kelly

Released: 2003
Budget: $12 million
Box Office: $5 million
IMDB Rating: 1.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 8%

Kelly Clarkson… That’s Elvis’s daughter, right? I suspect that she might be the least evil of all the divas in this moviethon. But she’s still young. There is still time for her to destroy the Earth. So in this movie, Elvis’s daughter waitresses in a country and western bar but she sings sometimes. Her crappy friends Kaya and Alexa want her to go to spring break. This redneck dude named Luke clearly has a crush on her. Justin also has two equally crappy friends. One is a nerd and the other is a douchebag named Brandon who can’t button his shirt. Oh look, there’s a party on the beach where people break out into song. Oh yeah, this is a musical. I forgot.

I won’t even go to a party unless there is going to be inline skating. We are 9 minutes into this little film and it has already blown Swept Away out of the water. Did I mention that Brandon is a douchebag? He’s the only one on the planet who doesn’t know he’s gay. I’m going to go ahead and guess that the ‘gay Brandon’ issue will not be covered during this film. Oh snap, he just buttoned his shirt! Okay, it was only one button but I consider it an epic plot point. There is talk of WHIP CREAM BIKINIS!

Kelly’s friend just accused her of ‘clenching’. Later at another party, we notice the hilarious extras in this movie. Holy shit, was that an internal songologue? Justin and Kelly are both looking for something that will last longer than a spring break fling. LeEtta suggests they try a venereal disease. Kelly’s friend Kaya is nearly single-handedly ruining this movie. For some reason, Justin is the ‘mayor of spring break’ which- oh fuck, Brandon is rapping.

Kaya gets her own romance with some hot bartender duder and he takes her salsa dancing. Later, Kelly gets mad at Justin because he and his friends are throwing a WHIP CREAM BIKINI contest. More singing and I notice that there is way too much ‘WHOA, WHOA YEAH!’ in all of the songs.. Kelly gives JoJo another chance and they go on a boat ride. I have a panic attack that they might get stranded on a desert island. I will probably never trust Madonna again. Margie has made one hell of a relish tray for us with pickles, cheese, crackers, and olives.

Watch out, Kelly, your best bud Alexa is actually a frenemy. Now Alexa is singing about being a tramp. Fuckin’ a, people, give the bad girl a decent song at least. I am reaching my breaking point on this movie. In a rip-roarin’ and knee-slappingly hilarious subplot, the nerdy guy is giving some guy dating advice. Now Kelly is mad at Justin again so she starts singing angrily about love or bomb diggity or something. This is hard to follow. I’ve seen episodes of “Saved by the Bell” that had more complex plotlines than this.

Oh good, a HOVERCRAFT RACE will decide who is the better man and who will end up with Kelly. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Luke, the redneck pitifully in love with Kelly showed up. The friggin’ country bumpkin gets injured during the thrilling HOVERCRAFT RACE and they have to send him over to Beach Patrol Headquarters to get stitched up. Kaya’s boyfriend is mad because she got him fired from his job and he needs the work. Apparently, this spring break deal is a class war thing and he’s the proletariat. What the fuck?

Kelly finally discovers that Alexa has been intercepting Justin’s texts and trying to steal him away from her. And her excuse is that she never meant to hurt Kelly, she just wanted Justin to like her because then she’d be just as good as Kelly because no one ever sees her for who she really is because like all anyone ever sees is her party girl side and no one wants to get to know the real Alexa. What a god damned slut! So From Justin to Kelly doesn’t really have an ending. It just sort of stops.

3:47pm – Cigar Break

I run over to 7-11 and get a 24 ounce Shasta Cola and return to smoke my delightfully dark and aromatic Cain cigar. The world outside of Doomed Moviethon HQ is a little off. Everyone seems really unfriendly and there’s a lot of tension in the air. Maybe they’re all scared of Gigli too. On the phone, Nafa said that me watching Swept Away caused the tsunamis but I think that was the earthquake in Chile. This Shasta cola is cheap and caustic but it has that old school cheap cola flavor that I love. The rain has stopped but the weather is overcast and cool out. Perfect moviethon weather. Back inside, Margie lets me try a sample of the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies she’s made and they’re freakin’ amazing.

crossroads

5:14pm – Crossroads

Released: 2002
Budget: $12 million
Box Office: $37 million
IMDB Rating: 2.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 14%

Britney Spears is not evil, she is just misunderstood. I think. This movie kicks off with three little girls burying their dreams in a box. I guess they are burying their dreams so that they will never come true. Flash forward to Britney dancing in her underwear to a Madonna song. Under the pitiless gaze of a Madonna poster, Swept Away comes back to haunt us. It’s high school graduation and Britney is the valedictorian (oh yeah) and Dan Akroyd is her father. One of friends is pregnant and the other one is a popular jerk. So much for the future. After the graduation dance (do they have those?), Britney is having second thoughts about getting deflowered by her boyfriend played by that dude. He’s a dopey and nerdy nice guy. He’s her lab partner and he is begging for it.

The three friends unite and dig up their box of shitty dreams. The pregnant one wants to go to California to get an audition for a record contract. The dreamy guitarist (who supposedly murdered a guy) is driving out there. Britney wants to go to Arizona and find her mom who abandoned her as a child. And the bitchy one wants to go to UCLA and visit her boyfriend (a college guy, oooooooooo). Hey, what the fuck is this? This movie doesn’t suck! I did not sign up for a good movie.

The most interesting thing about Crossroads is that the setup is so perfect for a slasher flick. There is the seedy hotel room and the whole thing about their male escort duder being a murderer and all. The gang gets stranded by the side of the road and need $350 to repair the car. And there’s only one way to make that kind of green in The Big Easy. Unfortunately, I’m not talkin’ about hookin’. There is a karaoke contest that pays cash money to the winner.

Britney has to save the day because the loser pregnant chick chokes on stage. They sing that Pat Benatar song “I Love Rock and Roll” and they remove all traces of ‘rock’ from it. They get a better hotel after winning the contest. We don’t get to see the other contestants, WTF? We did get to see the creepy guy dancing like an epileptic and scaring a waitress though. After some TEEN DRINKING, the girls have a heart to heart. Several heart to hearts actually. Oh thank God, they’re bonding again. This movie is kind of good. Shit.

“Y’all, somethin’ bit my ass!”

Oh, why did her mom have to be Kim Cattrall? Wait. Why would Kim Cattrall sleep with Dan Akroyd? Was Akroyd like really, really desperate or something. Unrealistic! Ha ha, her mom doesn’t love her. Shit, this is the worst episode of “The Locator” ever. So the bitchy one goes to see her jerk fiance who is a total jerk. He turns out to be the rapist that got the pregnant one pregnant. Oh, bitter irony. Then the pregnant one falls down the stairs and loses the kid. I laugh heartily. Sad sad sad.

Akroyd flies out to LA to yell at Britney for running away. Thanks for crushing my dreams, daddy. It’s only slightly worse than when you did Blues Brothers 2000. Britney says FUCK YOU DAD because she has to make the hard choice and stays in LA. I mean, the guitar guy is dreamy and they love each other. Did I mention that she lost her virginity to him? Yeah, she did. Her big finale song keeps insisting that she’s ‘not a girl’ and I think this is supposed to be important. Wait, what am I saying? She is proving herself, man. The end. Did I mention that this isn’t the Crossroads movie starring Ralph Macchio. I didn’t. Okay. Well, it’s not.

6:48pm – Dinner Break

Holy crap. We have a feast! Margie has made the most delicious pork roast ever. I get to take a knife to it and decimate the thing so that we can have pulled pork sammiches. We also have coleslaw and BBQ sauce and cheddar cheese and mayo and a bunch of other heart-stopping things. Ladies and gentlemen, moviethon meals have changed forever. Sweet damn.

gigli

7:44pm – Gigli

Released: 2003
Budget: $54 million
Box Office: $6 million
IMDB Rating: 2.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 6%

Jennifer Lopez is the devil or at least a demonic robot. When the Julia Roberts robot became too rusty to function and the Sandra Bullock robot broke down, they built the Jennifer Lopez robot. But she went mad and killed her creators. Now she is J-Low and she has the power to bring about the apocalypse. Ben Affleck isn’t talking to us, the audience, he’s talking to a man in a dryer. How clever? He is a gangster because he wears a leather jacket. But he’s a softie. He has to harass this mentally challenged kid in order to make his boss happy. He kidnaps the mentally deficient guy and starts talking to his flashlight about ‘The Baywatch’. I am getting scared.

“I gotta pee, Larry.”

Jennifer Lopez shows up and I’m even more scared now. She’s trying to seduce me. Something bad is going to happen, I just know it. The word ‘excoriate’ has been used. Is this supposed to be like Rain Man? Is J-Low supposed to be Italian? This movie is a mess. And no one is likable. Okay, except maybe Brian the mental handicapper. He’s cool. So Affleck and Lopez are ‘contractors’. I guess that means they are paid to do something. When Affleck tries to seduce J-Low, we find out that she’s gay. That’s the twist. We can turn the movie off now!

Christopher Walken shows up and tears this movie a new asshole (like it needed another one). Then he’s gone. Crap. This movie has some major shifts in tone that are just annoying. The dialogue however is what really takes the shit-cake in this masterpiece of cinema. J-Low’s badass routine is embarrassing and lame. We get to see Affleck’s mom’s butt in a thong when she gets an insulin shot. His mom is that actress who is too good for this movie. She and J-Low share a little lesbian connection which is probably going to be the best scene in the movie.

It’s fun to watch Afflex and J-Low set their careers back 10 years (I’m being generous here) with this nonsense. Her vagina speech just ruined sex for me. Now I’m convinced that Lowpez and Madonna are in cahoots to screw me over (in a bad way). Then her psycho girlfriend shows up and slits her wrists. Yay blood! Gigli is now a really bad play written by a bisexual college student. This is just vulgar and boring. This movie is like Rain Man, Midnight Run (same director as Gigli, I shit you not!), and Chasing Amy.

The line I had heard about is actually very real. “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.” That’s right, J-Low is demanding that Afflex perform oral sex on her. I can’t fucking believe this. This is Swept Away Part 2: The Gobbling. Affleck’s apartment is the desert island. Kat just said that I used to remind her of Ben Affleck back when I was first dating LeEtta. I am crushed. How can that be? Al Pacino just made his entrance and I’m going to die. Now Brian is rappin’. You see, he’s retarded and knows every rap song by heart. This is not funny. This is interminable.

The similarities between Gigli and Swept Away are glaring. Both movies could have slipped under the radar had they been some indie director’s vanity project. But somehow, someone threw millions of dollars at these films and it blew up in their faces. Throw in a couple of big names who don’t know any better than to rape their careers in public and voila, you have swill. Gigli sucks. Big time. I haven’t seen a movie this repulsive since Swept Away.

glitter

9:56pm – Glitter

Released: 2001
Budget: $22 million
Box Office: $4 million
IMDB Rating: 2.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 7%

Here are five words I never thought I would ever type out loud: “Mariah Carey, please save me.” In this movie, young Mariah’s mom is a drunk mom. That’s very sad. At least that is what the depresso-filter over these past scenes seems to indicate. But at least they have music to keep each other happy. Until mom’s drunken cigarette sleeping burns the dang house down and Mariah goes into a foster home. She makes a couple of friends and they bury a box with their dreams inside it.

Mariah grows up and its 1983 now. She’s a dancer in a nightclub but not a stripper. She does not strip. She and her budz from the foster home (one of them played by Da Brat) get jobs as backup singers. A scumbag record producer (played by Terrence ‘Baby Wipes’ Howard) notices that Mariah can sing so he uses her voice to cover up the fact that his talentless star can’t sing at all.

“I don’t soup girls up.”

We meet Dice the corny DJ. The guy has no skillz whatsoever. How the fuck did he become such a popular DJ. Okay, Glitter definitely has the best soundtrack of this entire moviethon. It’s amazing how much some old school cutz can improve even the shittiest piece of shit. Dice (who is clearly some kind of a British actor) sees Mariah’s talent and becomes her love interest manager. Let me guess, he’s gonna mismanage her career. He agrees to buy her from ‘Baby Wipes’ and gets her a record contract.

Oh this is so flippin’ predictable. The Diceman is going to fuck up her career. It’s like a time-bomb, this plot. Why do they keep dressing him up like that? Is he supposed to be gay or what? We all agree that the production designer has no fucking clue what the 1980s looked like. The hair, makeup, and clothes are all wrong, especially on Mariah. I’m guessing she was too diva to cheese it up for a period piece and it is actually distracting. Boo.

Holy shit, Da Brat is awful in this movie. Everyone else is dull but Da Brat is just awful. To make her look unattractive, they dress her up like a yard-sale Patti LaBelle. Diceman still owes ‘Baby Wipes’ the money for buying Mariah off of him. This movie is actually going by pretty quickly. I think we are in safer territory here. After Swept Away, we should have gone directly to Gigli to get it over with. Then Glitter, Crossroads, and ended on From Justin to Kelly. I now see the error of my ways.

Mariah is a chipmunk puppy. I’m sorry but she looks freakin’ weird. There’s not enough drug use in this movie. It’s set in the 1980s, there are record executives everywhere, and no one is doing coke. What the fuck is that about? Everyone is trying to steal Mariah away from Dice and rightfully so. The guy is a loser. Wait. Hold the phone. Why is he acting so erratically and getting all angry and stuff at the drop of a hat? I bet the original screenplay had him doing a bunch of drugs and they took it out to save them from an R rating. They could have made this like Star 80. Oh, oh no, put that shotgun down.

‘Baby Wipes’ comes to collect the money for Mariah. Sigh. Do you remember when I said this movie was moving pretty quickly? Well scratch that. The pacing just ate shit and now we’re discussing Terrence ‘Baby Wipes’ Howard’s preferences for female cleanliness. Just Google ‘Terrence Howard’ and ‘Baby Wipes’ to read about what we’re talking about. Duder is a creep.

So the Diceman gets murdered. He sees ‘Baby Wipes’ beckoning to him in the street, walks up, and gets blown away. Thank God. Worst junkie without drugs ever. Dice, you will be missed. So Mariah gets a real producer and gets famous without the Dice. This story is so fucking generic and insufferable. I think that Mariah Carey’s real life story is probably more interesting than this shit. I am totally drained. Oh, the pain. I now completely regret ever wanting to watch this fucking bullshit. Sorry everyone.

sweptaway2

Aftermath

The following day, I had a foul taste in the back of my mind. I had learned many, many things that fateful Saturday. For starters, the next time we do one of these Diva moviethons, there will be no movies rated R again. To say that watching Gigli and Swept Away with other people (including my wife’s good friend and her mother) humiliating and sickening is an understatement. Sorry kids, we will NOT be watching Body of Evidence.

So what else did I learn? Oh yeah, the other thing. The unexpected result of our ten hours of terror was that the world seemed a little brighter and prettier. I began to appreciate entertainment that comes without suffering. Any film that doesn’t make my soul vomit-cry is a masterpiece. I have a renewed appreciation for fluffy and silly things. At times like these, Fred Astaire is my favorite actor.

But there, in the distance, something is calling to me. I can just barely make out the voice of Olivia Newton John. She’s there with the cop, the construction worker, and the rest of the Village People. And Madonna is there too. And look how young she looks. Oh, she’s holding hands with Prince. And they’re calling me. What is it? What do you guys want?

Please note: I returned Crossroads and Glitter to Netflix (boy oh boy, those are going to screw up my recommendations from now on). I’m going to keep From Just to Kelly because it was so much terrible fun. But rest assured, good people, I destroyed my copies of Gigli and Swept Away. After tearing up the covers, I took a black magic marker to the data side of the discs. Then scratched them with my keys and tossed them out. I got both films used for around $3 apiece, so no great loss. Trust me, the world is now a better place.