1980s horror

The Sweet House of Horrors

sweethouseofhorrors

The Sweet House of Horrors (1989)

After their parents are brutally murdered by a burglar, Marco (Giuliano Gensini) and Sarah (Ilary Blasi) are put in the care of their Aunt Marcia (Cinzia Monreale) and Uncle Carlo (Jean-Christophe Brétigniere). While their Aunt and Uncle are waiting for the children’s home to sell, Marco and Sarah are contacted by the ghosts of their dead parents who don’t want the children to leave. Once they witness some supernatural phenomenon for themselves and begin fearing for the children’s safety, Marcia and Carlo hire an exorcist to cleanse the house of evil spirits.

Along with House of Clocks, Lucio Fulci directed The Sweet House of Horrors for Italian television. After reading a very negative review of this film several years ago, I put it on the imaginary “oh well, I’ll never watch that one” shelf. Well, after Doomed Fulci-Thon, I say all bets are off, people. It’s time for me to buckle down and watch every dang thing that the “Godfather of Gore” ever directed.

Here’s the paragraph where I slam the film. The writing is quite confusing and lame. Some of the comedy works but the backhoe scene is unspeakably stupid. Here’s another script featuring characters speaking their painfully obvious thoughts out loud for the audience‘s sake. The subplot with the burglar’s comeuppance is okay but seems more like an afterthought. There is a plethora of cheesy and mostly embarrassing optical effects if you’re into that kind of thing. Most annoying though, is the film’s terrible English dubbing rendering most of the characters even dumber than their dialogue.

And now I must praise the film. There is some attention-grabbing gore in the first few minutes and a couple more gruesome moments later in the film that were excellent. The lighting, Sebastiano Celeste’s camerawork (fisheye lens and soft focus!), and the set design are all surprising good for an Italian television production. Most importantly, a clearly inspired Fulci establishes a very bizarre and often creepy atmosphere that holds up throughout most of the film.

The lovely Cinzia Monreale of The Beyond and Beyond the Darkness graces us with her presence. The kids, Ilary Blasi and Giuliano Gensini, aren’t terrible child actors by any means but when they’re voiced by adults pretending to be children, things get ugly. The most bizarre casting has to be the Abraham Lincoln lookalike in a turtleneck (French actor Vernon Dobtcheff) as the Russian (who speaks German) exorcist.

Once again, I’ve done myself a disservice by avoiding a Fulci film based on a poor review I barely even remember reading. Without a doubt, The Sweet House of Horrors has its problems but it’s definitely a watchable title. There’s a lot to like here especially for Fulci completists like myself. As my standards have been severely lowered by Door to Silence, I’m probably not the most reliable reviewer of this stuff anymore. Shocked? Me neither. But I know one thing… I do loves me a séance sequence! I can’t wait to watch this again.

“Don’t believe him. Grownups are all liars.”

Slashers in the Night II: The Death Kill

slashersinthenight2

It seemed like I had nothing but excuses for putting off this moviethon. The next thing I knew, several months had passed since I’d made my initial playlist and my annoyance with myself was too much to bear. “That’s it, we’re doing this!” I screamed into the night. The unseen rule of the first Slashers in the Night was off the table so this left me free to choose whatever the dang hell I wanted (though I prefer to pass on anything released after 1989 for this series). What transpired was easily one of my favorite moviethons of all time. Here we go!

Friday

I get off work and arrive at home to find my wife LeEtta –who had had the day off today- taking my advice and watching whatever she pleased since I would be hogging our primary visual entertainment device for the next 54 hours or so. As I bring the trashcans in from the street, I couldn’t help but notice that the weather is typically Florida as hell meaning sunny and muggy. There was an apocalyptic thunderstorm earlier this afternoon and it left everything hopelessly funky.

While LeEtta makes dinner, I fall asleep on the recliner while some random home design show on Netflix babbles on in the background. LeEtta wakes me up several minutes later to tell me that dinner is ready. One of her old standards, couscous, asparagus, and a fried egg awaited me. She’s way, way too good to me. Feeling refreshed and full, I pour myself an unsweet iced tea and pick the first movie.

nightscreams

“A really nice place? God, what a dickhead!”

6:17pm

Night Screams (1987)

This jumps right into things with a girl changing in a locker room. Her boobs are exposed before I even have time to process what is going on. This flashes between her friends scaring her and a couple watching TV on the couch. Are they watching a movie or are we? Oh wait, they’re watching the gory bits of Graduation Day! Spoilers much? Jeez. While the husband is outside cooking burgers on a grill -that isn’t even lit- someone takes a butcher knife and his kills his lady friend. Then he gets it. The killer plays chopsticks on the piano and we get the title screen.

LeEtta and I debate about how I’m collating the body count. I say that every murder that happens on screen gets counted and every corpse that is the result of an offscreen kill gets counted. Oh my goodness, this score is peppy and delightful. A bearded psychiatrist is talking into a tape recorder about releasing a patient and then we cut hard to a high school football game with some very passionate fans. Everything has just been confusing and fun so far. I already have high hopes for this film.

Some escaped lunatics kill a couple of cops and then destroy a diner with lots of squibs exploding willy-nilly. More importantly, we get not one but two locker room scenes. One with the guys where they talk about dicks and someone gets a wedgie. And another with the girls where they talk vaguely about sex. This movie is dripping with the 1980s. The music, the hair, the clothes, the dance sequence, etc. There’s also a bevy of characters played by utter cheeseballs spouting off droll dialogue that is making me giggle with delight. I’ve already forgotten this is supposed to be a slasher.

The whole gaggle of partying kids head out to a remote house for some sexy shenanigans, burgeoning alcoholism, and melodrama. The script is setting up some really obvious red herrings and there are still those two escaped convicts hiding in the basement. Uh oh, someone just cut the phone line! The most ridiculous thing in this movie is instead of having the actresses in the movie get naked, the producers keep cutting in scenes from a porno movie. That’s just wacky. Swimming pool at night? Yes. Huge body count? Yes. That’s it, I’m calling it, Night Screams is a new favorite. Wichita seems like a lovely place.

mountaintopmotelmassacre

“I’m so horny, I can’t stand it!”

8:02pm

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

This has been on and off (mostly off) my radar for many years. The movie tells us about Evelyn, owner of the Mountaintop Motel, who was in an institution for three years. Now she’s out and having trouble coping with her daughter Lorri’s guinea pig  and hobby of invoking the spirit of her dead father. With all the amazing lighting, piles of baby dolls, and broken strangeness, it’s immediately apparent that I should’ve watched this ages ago. Evelyn accidentally kills Lorri with a scythe during a violent rage but she convinces the cops it was an accident. Wait what?

This has a completely different vibe from Night Screams and that makes me very happy. The rundown look of the motel and all the countrified accents are simply to die for. ­­­Evelyn gingerly handling a rubber snake like it was going to come to life bite her is friggin’ genius. The random strangers heading to the motel are so hilarious in their quaint little introductory scenes. There’s a gentleman carpenter, a pair of sexy singing cousins, hillbilly newlyweds, a sleazy salesman, and a drunk preacher. The sound effects of the storm that traps the guests in the motel is making our cats, especially Crisco, very nervous

Anna Chappell is trying to chew the scenery a new one with her bizarre performance as Evelyn. She seems to think she’s an avenging angel for the Lord so she’s using snakes, rats, and roaches to annoy her guests. I feel really bad for the actor who has a roach crawling on his goddam face! Around the time that Evelyn starts dispatching mofos with her trusty scythe (at the behest of the disembodied voice of her dead daughter), I start scrounging through our Japanese candy stash. While I chew some orange-flavored gum, I decide that I waited way too long to check this charming and odd movie out.

Saturday

Okay, that wasn’t a great way to start a moviethon. The films were two unseens and two fantastic discoveries but by the time Mountaintop Motel Massacre was over, I felt like crap. I decided to call it a night with the intention of getting a goodnight’s sleep. That was an excellent plan! With the bonkers plot of Night Screams still doing impossible algebra in my head, I fell into a deep sleep with crazy dreams.

By morning, I felt refreshed and ready to tear into some movies! Well, after chores anyway. I made bagels and cream cheese for LeEtta and I. I also peeled an enormous orange for us to split while she made coffee. We realized that we had accidentally bought fat free coffee creamer and we both made faces at each other while drinking our caffeine down. Rookie mistake! All of this is taking place while my LP of The George Shearing Quintet’s Satin Affair plays smoothly on in the background. After I vacuum the house, I pour some more iced coffee for myself, and pick the first movie of the day.

bloodtracks

“If you fear God then you’ll want this madness to end.”

9:52am

Blood Tracks (1985)

I found a VHS copy of this film at a flea market, burned it to DVD, and then sold the tape on eBay for a nice profit! That’s why I’m independently wealthy these days. Oh and then I forgot to watch it! The moment this starts, I immediately realize that we are in dubbed country here. The director of this is Swedish and that’s all the trivia you’ll get from me today. A family squabble turns deadly when mommy gets stabby. The family is forced to flee and a helpful narrator tells us that they have been hiding out for the last forty years in “the middle of nowhere”. A rock band and film crew are heading into the snowy mountains to film a music video. I’m practically wringing my hands with excitement over this one.

The family is living in an old hazardous waste factory out in “the middle of nowhere” and they’ve gone practically feral. They’re monster makeup is pretty frickin’ cool. Me thinks they’re not going to get along with a bunch of shithead music and film industry types. Beautiful people and mutants go together like oil and grease. There’s an avalanche and everyone is stranded up on the mountain. Between the dubbing, the cave-people that look vaguely like George Eastman in Antropophagus (1980), a high body count, and the drug-addled antics of the band, this is a lot of fun so far.

Blood Tracks does something really inventive. In spite of the danger of getting lost or killed, people start splitting up into smaller and smaller groups. I think this might be one of the single most cleverest ways of moving the action along in a slasher film. You are a true original, Blood Tracks! One of the kills was so confusing that I have to assume that it was cut to heck. Ooh, I really like some of the tense synthesizer music in this one. This movie sets itself up for a sequel very nicely. I don’t think that ever happened. LeEtta has come and gone to the grocery store and the liquor store for our very important supplies like food and rum. I married very well.

mutilator

“I’m gonna set a new high score on the video machine.”

11:28am

The Mutilator (1984)

And the unseens just keep on rolling out. Special thanks to my pal Scott MacDonald for sending me this one. The Mutilator opens with a bang as a kid named Ed accidentally blows his mother away with his dad’s rifle. Woops! Gun help is help. Dad doesn’t take this birthday surprise very well. Years later, little Ed is all grown up and hanging out with his college buddies. The single most important thing is that they are trying to figure out what to do on their fall break. Matt Farley has spoken very highly of the “Fall Break” song that plays in this movie. It does not disappoint.

The characters are kooky as fuck and way likeable. Ed and these jokers are heading out to his dad’s isolated beach house to get it ready for the winter and get some serious partying done. This is what fall break is all about, bitches. Ed’s dad is a real weirdo. He’s got hunting trophies all over the house as well as a sacrificial mask AND a huge battle-axe that has gone missing. Uh oh. Dad is hiding in the house and having fantasies about killing Ed when he was a kid. Yikes!

I’m loving the beach location in this one and the weird percussion sound on the score. It sounds like someone throwing a basketball against a concrete wall. There’s some great atmosphere in the pool scene from some awesome lighting and slow motion camerawork. Wow! The Mutilator is really living up to its title. Sam has texted me to say that he and his lady friend Laura will meet us at Señor Tequila, a fine Mexican restaurant. I feel bad because they’re missing this. The hide and seek scene is one for the ages.

Lunch

Señor Tequila is fun times with Sam and Laura. LeEtta gets fish tacos, I get tacos al pastor, Sam gets a quesadilla, and Laura gets veggie fajitas. As I have found with this restaurant every time I’ve gone there, the food is excellent! Of course, the place is a madhouse and we’re there for nearly 2 hours but it was worth it. Afterwards, Sam and I jam. We run through about 6 GYROJETS songs and then it’s time for some movie watching!

evillaugh

“I’m not playing with your butt.”

Evil Laugh

3:45pm

We’re off to a great start! This DVD is tore up and ridiculous. In the film, there’s a house in the middle of nowhere and a killer just ripped some yuppy’s heart out. Three dorks are cruising in their convertible when it breaks down. Barney is reading a Fangoria. Johnny has gotta go “drain the lizard”. He pees on a couple taking a nap in the dunes. Almost-comedy ensues. The realtor is the best character ever. I think his name is Mr. Burns.

They play the boombox and a cleaning-the-house dance montage starts. So far, both the dialog and the plot are brilliant. All of the acting is extra brilliant. Mr. Burns almost rapes his wife for our amusement. Tina says, “Just give me some sandpaper and send me to the nursery.” How much of this is meant to be funny and how much of this is meant to be serious? I think the filmmakers probably thought they were being much funnier than they actually were. Barney needs to die. He represents everything I hate though I will concede that he is proto-Randy for all you Scream fans out there.

There’s another swimming pool at night scene. I almost forgot to note it. Those are my jam, yo. When Connie gets scared, she whips out a gun that is bigger than her head. She shoots into a room and screams even though no one’s in there. It’s fantastic and silly. The ending is utterly insane and I loved it. If only the entire movie had been that on point.

graduationday

“You know something, Mr. Guglione? You’re a real bastard!”

Graduation Day (1981)

5:26pm

Sam and Laura leave but I know that Evil Laugh has forever changed them as people. Graduation Day starts and I’m ready for some teen sports, y’all! Um, you guys. Laura (the movie one, not Sam’s Laura) doesn’t look so good. The opening song is saying that “everyone wants to be the winner” but Laura looks like she just wants to live until the end of the race. It’s important to note here that not everyone gets what they want.

Oh boy, that first murder was pretty weak. The knife was bleeding before it hit the blonde jogger chick’s throat. It splashed her to death. Christopher George is in this and honestly, that’s all you need to know about this film. His gravelly voice is just so sexy and he plays an utter dickbagel. Laura’s sister Anne comes home from the navy to see her family, collect her sister’s honorary trophy (I actually LOL’d while typing that), and- BEEGEES POSTER! Anne’s stepdad Ronald is a real fucking asshole. Anne herself is a badass but she’s also rather creepy like in a “Hi! I could be the killer” kind of a way.

Oh snap. Michael Pataki plays the principal in this and big surprise, the senior class collectively loathes him. Those fools! I love Michael Pataki. This stalking scene looks familiar. Could it be because Night Screams already showed it to me!? The editor likes to cause seizures in the audience. Linnea Quigley just showed up in a scene that was already nuts to begin with. Now she’s seducing the cornball music teacher.

The cop busts some teenagers for smoking dope and then he himself smokes some dope. That’s what they call simile in the screenwriting industry. After the quarterback is killed by a sword-football, the film cuts to Laura’s boyfriend playing harmonica and entertaining the girls while some joker plays “The Graduation Blues” on guitar. He looks forty. The band playing the graduation dance is outstanding. Nafa and Amanda stop by to drop off a Boogeyman and Friday the 13th Part II CEDs (those are Capacitance Electronic Discs, by the way) that he picked up at a thrift store for me. I’m going to send the Friday the 13th one to Brad. The killer in this movie gets two monologues. TWO. Classic.

girlsschoolscreamers

“Liz, you are one crazy lady and I think you oughta cool your jets!”

 Girls School Screamers

8:02pm

Here’s another film I bought on tape and converted to DVD. After a pair of ridiculous Troma previews, this movie starts so nonchalantly that I couldn’t tell if it was actually happening or not. On a dare by his friends, young Billy goes snooping in a house and is confronted by a nasty ghost. He ends up in the hospital in shock. Now we jump to the reading of a will and we jump yet again to some Catholic school girls being silly. This gang of cuties gets called to the principal’s office. He wants them to catalog the art collection of the school’s greatest benefactor in the same house that nearly killed young Billy.

13 minutes in and they’ve already made fun of the “fat girl” Rosemary twice. Of course, she’s the hottest one. LeEtta has made me my first mojito of the night. This could be trouble. Rum says yes! Just like Blood Tracks, I never actually watched this one until now. I sure hope it’s a slasher movie! The girls are certainly catty enough for my standards. During a game of hide and seek, Jackie finds the diary of Jennifer Wells, one of the girls who used to live in the house. The nun gets really upset when Jackie asks her about it but they figure that Jennifer must have died mysteriously. Time to have a séance. The only thing I love more than nighttime swimming pool sequences is séances!

They find a portrait of Jennifer Wells and -gasp- it looks like Jackie! During an extended flashback to young Jennifer Wells, the dialog gets even more stilted. This is how old timey people talked! We finally get our first kill with a meat cleaver and damn it to hell, it’s “fat” Rosemary. I miss her already. A couple of the girls’ goofy boyfriends show up to mess with them. This is getting good. And my fingers are numb from the mojito. LeEtta strikes again. Supernatural slasher for the win! Son of a bitch. Troma just talked over the last shot of the movie. Fuck you, Troma. Fuck you.

toallagoodnight

“Tom, will you stop messing around and take me to bed like a real man?”

To All a Goodnight

9:36pm

A bunch of moronic girls chase their friend through the finishing school with knives and an axe. She falls to her death over the edge of a balcony during Christmas vacation. What the heck was gonna happen if they caught her? Unlikely prank fail! It’s 2 years later and a killer is getting ready to kill some girls at the same school. Man oh man, I needed another Christmas-themed slasher in my life and this will do nicely. Lots of bitchy chicks and a creepy groundskeeper. Hallelujah!

The goofy dude characters show up to party with the girls via plane and things get even sillier! Trisha the sassy Brit gets killed but her skirt already had blood all over it before the killer even got in the room. This movie is so fun. There’s an excellent double whammy kill scene that made me cheer. Then it’s the next day and everything just slows down while the cast goofs off. Even the detective is kind of off somehow but in a good way. Wow, David Hess could direct a frickin’ slasher! I’m not gonna lie but I’m pretty buzzed right now. If this movie was 9 hours long I’d be fine with that.

Sunday

In case you were wondering, I’m a lightweight when it comes to booze. I woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible hangover and had to trudge to the kitchen for some ibuprofen. Despite our cat Sparkles’ best efforts to wake me up before my alarm, I slept rather well. In the morning, I went out to Dunkin Donuts for some breakfast substance for us in the form of bacon, egg, and cheese croissants. LeEtta doesn’t like their coffee so she started brewing a pot while I was gone.

After breakfast, I put on the first movie. It’s called Attack of the Lawnmower starring LeEtta and Richard. Ah yes, yardwork. Now that we own a home and it’s Florida, we have yardwork every weekend between the months of April and November every damn year. Once that is done, we shower, and head out to lunch. The always reliable Burger 21 is a goodtime place, especially on Sunday before everyone gets out of church. I’m wearing my Camp Crystal Lake t-shirt so people know I’m not fucking around. I have a hotdog with bacon and an espresso milkshake while LeEtta gets a bean burger. We’re literally the best people in the world.

slumberpartymassacre3

“Did somebody mention hips? Here come the cookies!”

Slumber Party Massacre III (1990)

12:34pm

Son of a bitch! I’m breaking my 1989 rule. Woops. This eerie opening theme is so good that it puts my mind at ease. We’re on the beach for some volleyball fun but there’s a creepy Kurt Cobain Lookalike Dude watching this group of teens who are about to die horribly. Too cynical? Jeffrey Canino warned me about this movie. The first kill with the drill happens and some seriously noodly guitar solo plays over the top. I love it. We go right into some subpar Bananarama song as the girls cruise in a convertible. So far, so good.

LeEtta appreciates the checklist being marked off for things that you need in a Slumber Party Massacre sequel. 1. Teens. 2. A slumber party. 3. A drill. 4. A creepy neighbor. 5. Shower scene in the first 15 minutes. One of the girls looks like Peggy from “Married with Children” by way of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. She’s dating a 50 year old!? The freakazoid neighbor is some next level shit here. He’s stalking the house like a complete psycho, making creepy phone calls, and reading a book on human anatomy. Leather Jacket Frank is my new favorite character. He is way too cool for this movie.

The girls’ striptease action is interrupted when the boys sneak in and scare them. It’s pretty frickin’ great. Whoa, the killer is like a dang ninja. He dispatches our only black character with a realty sign. Two more items on the Slumber Party Massacre list: 6. Pizza delivery shenanigans. 7. Horny friend invites a boy over. The nerd character looks like Code Red Bill. Because Jackie left her address book at the beach, Kurt Cobain Lookalike Dude is snooping around now too. I just love teenagers so much.

Juliet tries to sleep with a dude but he was impotent so it’s inferred that he went down on her. Then she gets electrocuted in the bath by a plugin dildo. The list continues to grow. 8. Dead girl stuffed in a garment bag. 9. Useless boys go run for help. And this movie just got crazy. The only person who’s a bigger asshole than the killer is the cop who won’t send a damn patrol car around to the house. This movie has a really bleak edge to it. The killer in part III is crazy in a real-life serial killer kind of a way. Yikes! That’s what Jeffrey was warning me about. The faux Billy Idol song at the end is just disturbing enough to go along with the movie.

boogeyman

“I never seen a kiss this long!”

The Boogey Man (1980)

2:07pm

Now here’s another one that I’ve actually seen but not for many, many years. Wow, the Carpenter-esque score for this is kicking my ass! A typical scene from any American home in the 1950s starts when naughty mommy lets her skeevy boyfriend terrorize her children. Little sis helps her bro out by giving him a butcher knife and he makes them sandwiches for her with the crusts cut off. The end. Just kidding! Little Willy stabs the shithead duder to death and that makes me smile. I believe the children are our future.

Years later, Willy and his sister Lacey are all grown up and living in what looks like the Amityville Horror house! Willy is mute but he’s got nice overalls. Lacey has a kid and a loving husband but she’s been able to suppress her terrible sexual kinkiness that obviously runs in her family so I guess she’s kind of okay. Shit starts getting weird when their naughty mommy writes a letter to Lacey and Willy. Both kids are haunted by the memories of that night. I guess I would be too. I have always liked this one but man oh man, The Boogey Man is way better than I remember it. Fuck that lazy ass sequel.

Supernatural slasher! John Carradine! Exclamation points! Some horny chick is hitting on Willy and he nearly strangles her to death. What the pliggity plot is going on here? Plot? When Lacey and her husband visit her childhood home, she goes bananas after she sees that the man that Willy killed is staring at her from inside her mom’s old mirror. Her dumbass husband brings the offending reflective device home to help cure her and Willy of their trauma. Now a bunch of murders start happening when sharp and blunt objects start coming to life. Luckily, there’s some jerky teenagers lined up and ready to add to the body count. This is aggressively batshit crazy. I’ll say it again. Fuck that lazy ass sequel.

satansblade

“I just hope I have better luck with my first murder case than you had with yours.”

Satan’s Blade

3:37pm

Brad speaks very highly of this one so I’m pretty darn stoked. A knife flies into frame from nowhere and sticks into a tree and I ask, “Is that the Satan’s blade?” When it starts glowing red, I know that it’s not. The stilted acting kicks in almost immediately. Then a bank robbery ensues and a girl gets menaced with a blade that may be Satan’s blade but possibly not. Next, a girl gets shot and she milks her death scene for all it’s worth, taking several hours to fall down. This is friggin’ great so far! The bank robbers flee to their hideout and surprise, they’re all women. Grrl power!  Oh wait, is the leader of their gang a man? Boo! That’s penis power. And there’s the double cross. Or is that a triple cross?

Oh my God, this is getting better and better as each new goofball character shows up to drop a ton of exposition on us. The old lady who owns the lodge where all these fools are staying is simply outstanding. Where’s her damn Oscar? There’s an old local legend that is just ridiculous. We pause the film for dinner and it doesn’t go very well. I’m sure LeEtta won’t want me recording a rare culinary failure here but it was pretty funny. Orangey-brown zesty slime and okra over mushy rice is a dish that will probably never come back to the Schmidt house.

All of the women in this are just phenomenal, especially Rita who may not be from Earth. While the guys are busy getting drunk, she has a nightmare of a deranged killer stabbing friends to death. A prank is pulled and everyone ends up in their nighties wrestling in the snow. This film is probably going to be the best thing I watch in my entire life. Even the cops are perfect. Much like To All a Goodnight, I really like these characters and don’t want anything bad to happen to them. Why so much killing? That final title screen is so boss.

Smoke Break

Even though I’m feeling the moviethon haze creeping in and I just want to finish this damn thing, it’s time for a smoke. I grab a pipe, a tin of tobacco, and some Gatorade I didn’t finish during yardwork today. While the wind is blowing and the clouds are flying, I’m melting away in the deliciousness of pipe smoke. I shoot some texts back and forth with Brad about future moviethons and just enjoy watching the world go by. Okay, it’s time to start up again and finish this thing before I’m cut into little tiny pieces.

terrorattenkiller

“I try to help Leslie out but sometimes I feel… she’s just a born victim.”

Terror at Tenkiller (1986)

6:30pm

I have heard this is a piece of crap but once that drum machine kicks in, I’m very confident in my choice. A girl named Denise gets her throat slit and then her body is dumped in the lake while the soundtrack plays a warbling lament. After that, a busty girl named Leslie is swimming in a pool and some jerk named Josh wants to talk things over with her. Guess what I’ve never used… a frickin’ public shower! Her friend Jana scares the living daylights out of her. Guess what I’ve never had… a friend! Leslie wants to break up with Josh and I wholeheartedly endorse this.

They head out to a place called “Tenkiller” for some lakeside fun and all kinds of jaunty music follows them there. The girls are going swimming and just sunning themselves while an air of lingering dread creeps in. Maybe I’m imagining that lingering dread. This movie excels in melodrama and lady talk. Just like Satan’s Blade, there’s a legend or some such that might be important later. We follow a girl who works at a diner while a mysterious figure is stalking around outside. He’s Mister Canadian Tuxedo and he just killed her. Oh diner girl, we hardly knew ye.

The girls rent a boat from a dirty old man named Preacher and a young guy named Tor -who just killed the diner girl- and head out to the middle of nowhere to stay in a cabin. Things take a turn for the classy when I see they’re sharing a can of Slice. During some real talk about Josh from Jana, Leslie looks absolutely shell-shocked. The plot gets really complicated when the girls talk about working at the diner. Major revelation! On the first night, Preacher invites himself in but Jana says no. Then he stalks around smoking and watching the cabin. Tor shows up and he and Preacher have a conversation that is un-fucking-believable. It doesn’t end well for Preacher.

Tor gives us an eyeful from his short shorts when he sits on the lanai. LeEtta is not impressed. In an unexpectedly atmospheric scene, Leslie has a dream where Josh is playing a harmonica and beckoning to her from the woods. She goes outside and everything is foggy and eerie. I loved it! I’m way past the hour mark with this one and I don’t understand this movie’s bad reputation. While working late at the diner, Leslie is reading The Stand and that made me giggle. Tor kills people because his harmonica commands him? Maybe. Now I’m not saying it’s a necessity or anything -and it should in a no way speak to the quality of this film- but I needed to drink iced coffee during Terror at Tenkiller. This is an awesome movie.

lastslumberparty

“Let’s go rustle up some menfolk.”

The Last Slumber Party

8:20pm

Even though my brain feels like an old milkshake, I start the final film of the moviethon. I have heard lots of great things about The Last Slumber Party and that’s why I saved it for last. This opens with some serious rock music while a deranged mental patient who’s dressed like a surgeon is running amok. We cut to a high school classroom and the movie opens up its wonders to LeEtta and me. At the mental hospital, some funny dialog about a violent lunatic is just outrageous and grand. Then I notice this seems to have been shot on both video AND on film which makes it feel like two movies stitched together.

The teen slumber party elements mixed with the hospital stuff is making for a very intriguing concoction. LeEtta noticed that the girls are having a slumber party while the girl’s parents are home. I suggest that this is The Last Chaperoned Slumber Party. All of the guy characters are real cockfaces except for the class nerd. They pick on him and call him “Science”. Back at the slumber party, the girls are goofing off and drinking booze while the psycho surgeon is creeping about. The worst character just got killed and I cheered. The movie just improved substantially!

That’s the second Beegees poster in this moviethon! And the first Sesame Street poster. I can’t even process what’s going on in this movie. The girls are watching Forever Evil, one of my childhood trauma films! Dear reader, you need to see The Last Slumber Party for yourself. If you open up your heart to it, you will live forever, I promise. Between the multiple film stocks and cameras and stupendously baffling bullshit of the screenplay, my mind has been dismantled and reassembled incorrectly. I hope there’s a 1-800 number at the end of the film to some kind of Last Slumber Party support network.

Conclusion

Slasher movies are just good melodramas with a couple of murders thrown in. For instance, Terror at Tenkiller felt exactly like a Me Generation leftover like Savage Weekend but way, way more sedate or possibly in a coma. I can’t believe so many unseen films ended up being so rewarding. That being said, The Boogey Man and Graduation Day have inspired me to make sure that next time the old favorites will be populating the playlist in a big way. Everything went perfectly this time around except for the sleaze factor of Slumber Party Massacre III. That one was just gross. See you next time, you dang murderers.

Final Stats

Boobies: 34

Butts: 5

Wieners: 0

Body Count: 120

My Doomed Moviethon

mydoomedmoviethon

I first became hooked on horror movies watching Elvira’s “Movie Macabre” when I was a kid (around 9 or 10 years old). She was making fun of Flesh For Frankenstein and I was totally flipping out. I was laughing at her gags (and oggling her goodies) but I was also really enjoying the movie (despite the fact that it was cut to ribbons for television). After that night, I tuned in every weekend to catch her shtick and I always ended up enjoying whatever movie she hosted.

Soon after, my parents gave me their old TV and I started up staying up all night to watch whatever was on the local channels. Some of you who remember the 1980s may also remember that there used to be horror movies on ALL THE TIME on late night TV. I have this vague memory of catching the creepy mannequin-filled Tourist Trap just before dawn. Good or bad, damn it, they were always on.

There were two films which aired in the middle of the night that caused me to slip over the edge and become completely obsessed with horror movies. The first one was Zombie 6: Monster Hunter (AKA Joe D’Amato’s Absurd) and the second was Girls Nite Out (a dull yet atmospheric slasher flick with the killer wearing a bear costume circa. 1984). Granted, neither of these are the best examples of horror but these two movies totally blew me away. I can still hear the announcer’s voice saying “We now return to Zombie 6: Monster Hunter” in a laughably menacing voice. I know George Eastman is out there somewhere stuffing some babysitter’s head into an oven.

Although I’m sure she has no idea, my sister Lora also had a hand in altering my filmic fate forever. While she was babysitting me one night, her boyfriend came over with a copy of Nightmare On Elm Street. Before they started the tape my sister told me the story of their “friend” who still sleeps in the same bed with her mother after watching the film. That didn’t scare me and neither did the first Elm Street flick. Later, my sister and her boyfriend took me to the local drive-in for a weird triple feature: Hot Pursuit (John Cusack, huh?), Cut And Run (yep, the Ruggero Deodato flick), and Creepshow 2. “Thanks for the ride, lady!”

By this time, my parents and I were renting 4 movies every weekend. Well, that all changed when I caught the horror bug. When I was 11, my parents gave me my own VCR. They had just purchased a new VCR, so, once again, I got the hand-me-down. Lucky for me the old one was in terrific shape and soon the thing was running nearly every time I set foot in my room.

There, at the video store (a Video-X-Tron before Blockbuster bought them out) was something that thrilled me: the HORROR section. There is something devious and alluring about an entire set of shelves full of dead teenagers, dark places, unholy incantations, and severed heads. Oddly enough, my parents had no problem with allowing me to watch whatever I wanted (sure, blame the parents!) so I had no trouble getting started on my mission which was to rent every single horror movie in the store. Nowadays, this would be easy since it is rare to find a decent selection of horror titles anywhere.

revengeofthedead

My family’s rental program changed one weekend. Two movies for my parents, one for the whole family, and four horror flicks for me. The ones I remember loving the most were Evil Dead 2, the Friday the 13th series, Halloween, The Masque Of The Red Death (1964), Rabid, Night Of the Creeps, Hellraiser (both 1 and 2), From Beyond, Critters (both 1 and 2), Night of the Demons, Dawn of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Ghoulies, Warlock, Creepers (aka Dario Argento’s Phenomena), Munchies (terrible I know but I must have watched this one 4 or 5 times), Lamberto Bava’s Demons, Forever Evil (actually scared me!), April Fools Day, Dario Argento’s Trauma, Revenge Of The Dead (AKA Zeder) and many, many more.

Several years later, my buddy Scott (the original Moviethoner) and I started renting enough movies and buying enough junk food to get us through the night. Scott introduced me to Peter Medak’s The Changeling starring George C. Scott. We often tore through the entire Omen trilogy (yes, I still like to pretend Omen IV: The Awakening never happened) as well as Phantasm and Phantasm II before the night was through.

Then, I just stopped watching horror movies. I have no idea why I gave up on them. Perhaps films like Pulp Fiction and Clerks steered me into Indie land. Or maybe it was the sixth entry in the Halloween series or Hellraiser: Bloodline. I could just as easily blame the Leprechaun series or The Mangler for ruining horror movies for me.

I was still a film buff, watching tons and tons of artsy cinematic masterworks. I would sit through Last Tango In Paris, Rashômon, A Woman Under The Influence, Touch Of Evil, Amacord, etc. I was always searching for something with meaning and depth. Then one day (about three years ago) I was watching Fellini’s Satyricon and I just snapped. Sure, it’s a disturbing film filled with frightening characters and some gory moments but it (like Fellini’s other films) is half an hour too long. I didn’t want to endure the lofty and pretentious any longer. I wanted something fun and something gory that I could ingest in 90 minutes or less (preferably less).

One day, I was talking my friend Nafa about horror movies. He was a former moviethoner who had stopped watching horror flicks years ago but had been quite a connoisseur in his own time. Charged from the conversation, I decided to start renting horror movies again. My first surprise: I was appalled at how little horror Blockbuster Video actually carries nowadays. The company is reducing their VHS stock to make room for DVD but not restocking their shelves with the DVD versions. This corporate giant had bought out nearly all of the ma and pa video stores but it didn’t keep the one thing that gave them their strength in the first place:, their selection.

Frustrated, I went on the internet and started to poke around for horror facts and trivia. I suddenly noticed just how many of those old horror flicks I used to love had been censored long before I ever got a chance to watch them. As a child of the 80s, I absolutely despise censorship (thanks to the PMRC), so I decided to track the uncensored versions of these flicks down. No easy task, especially considering that I wasn’t into collecting. Yet.

Nafa told me about this horror/eurosleaze/porn video store across town and decided to check it out. Well, the situation looked grim. The place, Unique Video, as cool as it is was way out of my jurisdiction and had a 24 HOUR return policy. The duder wanted the movies back by closing time, THE NEXT DAY and I’m 20 or 30 minutes (of shitty Tampa traffic) away.

Figuring that I’d never see this type of selection again, I bit the bullet and rented four (only four! I was such an idiot) movies: Zombi 2, Phenomena, The Stendhal Syndrome, and Ms. 45, albeit not a horror movie but a classic piece of trash if ever there was one. This is one of the reasons why Doomed Moviethon extends its reach into the cult genre as well. So, I watched Ms.45 first to get it out of the way. That isn’t to say it wasn’t a perfect film to start my moviethon with. Next, I jumped into the horror with Zombi 2, Phenomena, and then finished everything off with The Stendhal Syndrome (not a fan favorite but one of my top 10).

So, I returned the tapes on time (barely) and made a decision not to return to the place. It was just too difficult to get across town every time I needed to return a tape. This decision was painful because none of the video stores I’d ever been to had this kind of selection. Hell, I had never even heard of Lucio Fulci before that night. The seedy looking covers of the Italian horror, German gorefests, and Giallo VHS tapes pulled the trigger in my brain. I was sold. I wanted my own horror movie library.

Of course, staying a horror purist is impossible with so many genre jumping directors and films (so yeah, Takashi Miike), one gets lead into other territory so easily. The yakuza film has ruined the American gangster movie for me forever. I even find myself craving the occasional spaghetti western, kung-fu flick, or even some trashy exploitation garbage.  Also, I found that it takes a lot of fact checking and reading up to find the uncut versions of films and that it is easy to get bogged down in “Special Editions” and “Director’s Cuts”.

And that’s my horror story. My collection is now past the 500 mark and I’m loving every gore-soaked and scream-filled minute of it. I’ve almost located everything that inspired me to start this here website. However,  I keep uncovering forgotten movies buried in the recesses of my brain. As more and more obscure as hell titles start coming to DVD, I’m sure I’ll be able to put all the pieces of my horror film geekhood together. Anyway, I’ve already spent too much time writing this and not watching something. Thanks for reading, moviethoners.

Slashers in the Night

slashersinthenight-main

The slasher movie is the giallo’s more famous, coked up, and slightly more demented lovechild (we still don’t know who the father is). I’ve been meaning to have a slasher moviethon for years now but could never figure out which angle to approach it from. I decided to limit the titles by two criteria: 1. these slashers must be unseen by yours truly and 2. they were released between the years of 1979 and 1989. Not surprisingly, I have somewhere around 30 titles that meet those criteria. But now I can finally get around to some of those dang flicks that have been getting dusty on my shelves. Alright, I have picked 21 movies from that list and I am now ready to rock this bitch.

Friday

It is 7:32am. Sparkles almost woke me up much earlier this morning by putting her front paws on my shoulder and just standing there. I ignored her. I don’t know how much time passed before she just started meowing over and over again. When I rolled over and told her to shut the fuck up, I felt bad because she’s just so adorable. Knowing that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep, I got up. I went out into the world to get some moviethon supplies from 7-11.

You see, I took the day off today for Slashers in the Night. I’d be a fool not to. My wife LeEtta is working today as is my mother-in-law Margie. She works from home so I’ll be hearing her from the office and probably running into her occasionally today. After retrieving a bevy of drinks and a sausage biscuit from 7-11, I come home. I got a Simply Lemonade to go with breakfast, a can of Arizona Watermelon drink or whatever in case I get a cigar to smoke this weekend, and two sodas: a Coke and a Mountain Dew. My goal for Slashers in the Night is seven movies per day for the next three days so I better stop dicking around and get started.

final-exam

8:54am

Final Exam

A couple making out in the middle of nowhere, bickering and being really annoying. “Shh, what was that? I heard something.” This is the perfect way to start this shit. The first kill scene is bloodless but surprisingly well done. The music in this movie is phenomenal. It shifts from menacing to hokey happy from one scene to the next and everything feels perfect. I don’t think I could have picked a more perfect movie than this. Twelve minutes in and Final Exam is already a charmer.

The goofy professor is having an affair with Lisa, the hot chick but more importantly, there is a rapist van cruising around campus. Then the fraternity stages one of the most elaborate and irresponsible pranks the world has ever seen. This film was made back when campus shootings were still funny. The nerd named Radish could just as easily be a gay character. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. Too many character alert! The scene where the sheriff confronts Wildman on his little stunt has so many people in it and then some redneck security guard shows up to fill up some empty space left in the frame.

Hey, nice Toolbox Murders poster in Radish’s room. The frat guys in this movie are the scum of the Earth with their stealing prescription drugs and cheating on exams. They are also very gay. They make Radish look like Gary Cooper. Wildman is especially touchy feely with his bros. If these guys could un-closet themselves, they would probably be nicer people. This reminds me of Girls Nite Out with all the college junk. The first murder doesn’t occur until past the 45 minute mark. It doesn’t bother me though, I like this. I love the way the killer stalks his victims in this flick.

Jeez Courtney, you are such a fucking whiner! Boo hoo, Lisa is so beautiful, she has things so easy! All she has to do is get by on her looks! Grow a pair of balls, you morose beyatch. Oh man, Radish is not gay after all. He just half-assedly confessed his feeling for Courtney and by doing so made me realize that the actor playing him is definitely gay. Once the ball gets rolling, this film really comes together. Courtney, our final girl, is left all by herself to run around and look for help while shrilly screaming and screaming. I feel prone to yell out advice for her at the screen; the sign of a great slasher. Its corny, painfully typical, but totally awesome.

bloody-birthday

10:47am

Bloody Birthday

I don’t trust this DVD. What is up with these obviously newly generated titles? Weird. The eclipse is coming and with it comes creepy wind and the birth of three children. Flash forward ten years to another obnoxious couple making out and being stupid. They decide to climb into an open grave to do some more making out. What the hell? They die horribly and I couldn’t be happier.

In a classroom full of obnoxious kids, there are three particularly smug little shitheads: Curtis, Debbie, and Steven. They are the three eclipse babies grown into three ten year old freaks. OH WOW, an extended nude scene with Julie Brown. I have waiting all my life for this moment. My childhood crush is butt naked. Thank you, Bloody Birthday! This is the best present ever. She plays Debbie’s older, ditzy, and decidedly trampy sister.

The three little monsters kill the sheriff in a very, very improbable way. It’s kind of hilarious. Joyce talks about spooky crap, astrological gobbledygook, the eclipse, and fate. After an action sequence in the junkyard and more evil children running amok stuff, I come to the conclusion that it is impossible not to love this movie. I love the scene where Curtis is running around the suburbs at night with the revolver, looking for victims. He’s our neighborhood friendly Son of Son of Sam.

Curtis makes Joyce look like a loony in front of everyone during the Ant Poison in the Cake Icing Birthday Party sketch, I mean scene. Now Joyce’s boyfriend Paul shows up to scare the crap out of her and try to score. Looks like he is going to get to do both. I cannot stress enough how hot Julie Brown is in this movie. Her death scene is fucking brilliant too. It’s not a spoiler, you knew it was coming!

rocktober-blood

“Okay Billy. Time to rock and roll, here we go.”

12:24pm

Rocktober Blood

The movie opens with those words and then some really boss metal comes screaming from a totally shitty metal band called Rocktober Blood. Billy is a douche frontman and of course, he has banged the cute backup singer chick, Lynne Starling. She goes into the studio to belt out some bitchin’ lyrics: You’ve got rainbow eyes! You’ve got RAINBOW EYES! She and the producer decide to call it a night. The killer wears combat boots! The producer gets his throat slashed while she gets nekkid for a dip in the hot tub. Yup, everything is just fine.

Billy is one creepy psycho bastard. He apparently kills 25 of his fans (off camera), kills the engineer, some random rock chick, tortures Lynne, gets caught, and is executed. Two years later, Lynne is now the leader of Rocktober Blood. At their tour announcement party, Lynne gets harassed by Billy. But wait! He’s supposed to be dead! What gives? My copy of this film is a little gamy. The whole top of the screen is just slightly purple and makes every scene look a little trippy. Someone is definitely trying to drive Lynne crazy.

Break out the leotards and the Flashdance routines, Lynne and her buds are working up a sweat. The girls are arguing and it’s pretty amusing because they have these adorable southern accents. Uh oh, watch out for those very scary combat boots. This is kind of slow. Oops, I just dozed off there. I don’t think I missed anything.

They decide to dig up Billy’s body. The body in the grave looks like a funhouse skeleton (its eyeballs are still intact). Hilarious. Lynne is kind of a bitch. She hollers a lot. If she was a little nicer, people might be more inclined to protect her from danger. She might even be able to convince someone that Billy is back from the dead. The twist of this movie is absolutely horrid and insulting to the viewer.

All hell is breaking loose on stage and the drummer just plays right on through it all. Wow! What this movie lacks in excitement it makes up for in comedy and a high body count. I love the killer’s microphone stand/axe thingie used to gut the dancers. I get up and dance to the closing song. I promise you there was air guitar in my performance.

hideandgoshriek

“Fear? Fear!?! Fear is not in my vocabulary!”

1:59pm

Hide and Go Shriek

Some duder who likes to wear makeup picks up a hooker and knifes her. Now we’re off to the suburbs where some rad high school aged teens are getting together for a partay. Screw the spell check, I know what I’m doing. They hop into a minivan because they are going somewhere, I guess. Oh wait, the teens are gonna hide out in the store that is owned by one of the goofball’s dads. Sorry there’s a lot of mumbled dialog in this one. What they don’t know is that the guy’s dad has hired this super creepy ex-con dockworker and he lives in the freakin’ store!

If I were to judge this movie just on the quality of the teenage victims then I would call it AMAZING. Some meathead just stood up and shouted how they are about graduate from high school and go on to do “great things”. Lovely. What better way to liven things up in a dark and creepy furniture store than with a game of hide and seek. The couples are sneaking around, getting it on, drinking champagne, being obnoxious, etc.

Well, the killer isn’t the creepy dockworker in the basement. He has a tattoo of a snake on his hand and this killer doesn’t. Or maybe there are two killers. Or maybe I have no idea what the damn hell is going on. There are lots of creepy mannequins (which I like) and overly dark scenes (which I am not as fond of) in this flick. The characters are just running around and being friggin’ morons. The virginal chick just did a striptease for her boyfriend. This is just like real life.

Every time the killer claims another victim, he takes their clothes and their identities just long enough to kill someone else. That is the saving grace of this movie. That and the funny performances. First Bonnie was screeching and now everyone is screeching. Perhaps they are shrieking. Whoa, nice decapitation! Oh, ha ha ha! You will never guess the ending of Hide and Go Shriek, my friends. It is wrong on so many levels.

Nap Time

I am feeling pretty proud of myself. Four movies down, yahoo! I crash out on the bed for about 45 minutes. When I wake up and go out into the living room, LeEtta walks through the front door and hands me a small Styrofoam container full of leftover sushi from lunch. And she has brought me Vitamin Water. It’s like waking up into a magical dream. She heats up her leftovers from Gino’s (the Italian place next door) and Margie has tuna fish and a tomato. My lunch was so huge that five pieces of sushi are just fine for me. Time for the next movie.

sweetsixteen

5:14pm

Sweet Sixteen

The film opens with the completely agonizing song called “Melissa” and a nude scene from Melissa herself. Then Sweet Sixteen turns into an entirely different movie. There are a bunch of redneck fuckwads attempting to commit a hate crime on a cool old Native American duder but his hunky grandson, Jason Longshadow, steps in and kicks some ass. Melissa is there and she picks up some kook named Johnny. They get high and her dad catches them. Wait, she is fifteen years old? Wow. Oh yeah, duh, the title of the movie.

Anyway, Johnny gets wacked (and not the good kind) while he drinks alone out in the old burial ground. His buddy Hank and Hank’s sister Marcy are moderately upset about Johnny’s death. They live with their dad, Sheriff Dan who is played by Bo freakin’ Hopkins. This movie is pretty different from other slashers I’ve seen. The Native American angle is very unique and not too exploitative.

I love Melissa’s fake bad girl routine. She hits on a jock duder and it is funny as hell. Of course, any boy who gets involved with Melissa gets offed. Suspicion falls on old Grayfeather, Jason Longshadow’s grandpa and the rednecks decide to dole out their own brand of justice. Marcy and Melissa have it out at Johnny’s funeral and it is melodramatic magic. This means Melissa can finally stop being a total asshole. At her sweet sixteen party, Melissa is radiant. I think everything is going to be all right. Oh wait. There is some cool slow motion stuff happening. Uh oh, all is not right. I won’t spoil ANYTHING for you. This is a very, very different slasher. I dig it.

aerobicide

6:48pm

Aerobicide (AKA Killer Workout)

I think this was made in the 80s! After an amazing opening song, there is a tanning bed malfunction. Next up is some super sexy aerobics footage with lots of women wearing leotards and lots of makeup. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a magical place called Rhonda’s Workout. After closing, a beautiful black chick gets killed with a giant safety pin. One of the females employees of Rhonda’s likes to go through the men’s lockers to inspect and admire the jockstraps.

Morgan the detective is a bad ass duder. He shows up to question people about the murder. Everyone suspects some chick named Diane because she is super creepy. Rhonda Johnson owns the place and she is a super bitch. Whoa. There is an awesome fight scene between Chuck (the new guy) and Jimmy (the creep). Their muscle-bound brawling would kill a normal, wimpy guy instantly.

This movie features lots of crappy music and more aerobics footage. Aerobicide totally blows but it is also completely brilliant. The bodies just keep piling up and then Jimmy (the creep) has a weird sex fantasy after getting a concussion. After this scintillating insight into the mind of Jimmy, he gets killed. Damn, this movie is like watching a Member’s Only jacket fuck a pair of legwarmers, only not as sexy. Oh wait, Jimmy is alive. Then who the hell was that other guy?

I know he’s supposed to be our hero or whatever but Chuck (the new guy) is a jerk. You can’t have a rake fight with only one rake you fool! The aerobics footage remind LeEtta of the classic film, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. I command her to log onto Amazon immediately and purchase that DVD. There is a chase scene and I hate this movie so much that I just start scribbling in black ink over whatever notes I was taking. When the Aerobicide theme song starts playing again (Aerobicide! Working out until you die!), I get up and do some mock-aerobics for the amusement of LeEtta and Margie. It feels good and only moderately humiliating, especially after how traumatizing this film was.

slumberpartymassacre2

“This Sunday is my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!”

8:21pm

Slumber Party Massacre 2

Her name is Courtney. She is a dreamer. She is dreaming about horrible things, especially events from the first movie. She is the little sister all grown up. She is in a cool band with her friends. That is the good news. Her mom is an overprotective weirdo and her sister Valerie is in a loony bin. Courtney has to beg her mom to let her go away for a weekend with her band. She gets what she wants so she and her band go to a big empty condo. Courtney’s nightmares get worse.

There is a whole Nightmare on Elm Street vibe to this one. It is all very surreal. Champagne and corndogs and a slow motion pillow fight. Two idiot jerks show up and spoil all the fun. During her first night at the condo, Courtney has even more dream sequences and literally gallons of blood. LeEtta points out that there would be no movie without the dreams. I agree but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This film is trippy as hell and I love it. Everyone thinks Courtney is crazy. Sally’s pulsing little pimple turns into one of the nastiest things I’ve ever seen in a horror film. There is a Sixteen Candles moment and then everything just goes nuts. Nothing and everything is real. The killer looks like a skinny Andrew Dice Clay. This is an absurd music video. This has great lighting and great everything. Slumber Party Massacre 2 needs less rockabilly and more metal. Oh snap! It was all just a dream. Or was it. There really is no answer!

Goodnight

After the supreme majesty of Slumber Party Massacre 2, I decide to call it a night. I could go for another film but I made my 7 films per day quota for this moviethon plus I still have chores in the morning. I spend the rest of the evening organizing my notes and thinking about SPM2. I guess the only real dud today was Rocktober Blood. But was it really a dud? How could anything that bad be bad? You know what I’m saying? Now that I think on it, Hide and Go Shriek maybe wasn’t so good. Shut up, Richard! You’re not being nearly gnarly or radical enough for this moviethon.

Saturday

I woke up early and felt very refreshed this morning. I didn’t dream of a man with a drill guitar which is rather surprising. After a trip to 7-11 where I get an apple fritter the size of my head and LeEtta gets coffee for herself and Margie, I finish the morning chores. It is very hot outside and the air is pretty rank. Wow, it isn’t even June yet and it is sweltering. Well, everything is taken care of. Let’s do this!

cheerleadercamp

10:03am

Cheerleader Camp

I really like the music for this one. Allison is going through lockers in a dark gymnasium while the camera stalks around her. She is having a really obvious dream with heavy-handed symbolism. In the first 6 minutes of this film, a fat man gets his ass stuck in a van window. Miss Tipton welcomes us all to Camp Hurrah. Chicks are bickering and Brent is “hot to trot”. I love Cory. She is the mascot who has to “go through life as an alligator”. I will use quotes in every sentence from now on.

There is a moment when the girls are sunning themselves and it is the most unnatural scene ever staged in a film. One girl is already dead and it looks like a suicide but you and I know differently. Allison is full of doubts about herself. She pops pills, brushes her hair too hard (which reminds me of Tawny Kitaen in Witchboard), and has visions of bleeding out of her face. Oh no, why are Brent and Timmy the fat duder rapping? Allison goes looking for sodas. The creepy chef tells her to the freezer which she does. Inside, she starts chugging milk. Oh yeah, and she discovers the dead chick’s body.

Miss Tipton is banging the sheriff in a very funny scene. What the hell kind of a cheerleader camp is this? I hope they aren’t paying much for tuition. Allison and Cory are so deep. They have great philosophical talks. I’m wondering if this is a slasher movie. Oops, spoke too soon! Someone just got hedge clippers jammed into the back of her head.

At the big party, the camp has hired a band that is part punky, part metally, part new wavey, and all terrible. For lack of a better term, I refer to this band as “badical”. Bodies start piling up and everyone flees the scene except for our trusty cheer crew because someone has sabotaged their van. Timmy is a genius. Instead of running for his life, he stays in the woods in hopes to film the killer. We’ll miss you, Timmy. Holy shit, awesome ending. What a great way to start the day!

sororityhousemassacre

12:43pm

Sorority House Massacre

We start with some excellent music and a girl in a hospital bed. She is Beth and something bad has happened. Next thing we see, she shows up at a sorority house. Meanwhile, a madman in an asylum named Robert AKA Bobby starts howling and generally freaking out. Wow, this is really trippy too. Lots of dreamy slasher moments in this moviethon. Weird mannequins, dripping blood, and lots of slow motion photography. There are even shots from SMP2.

Next we meet Sarah, a plucky sorority cutie and my favorite character in the movie. This takes place on Memorial Day weekend. How ironic since we are watching this on Memorial Day weekend. Beth is having visions of a killer duder but her biggest problem is her awful outfit. I am digging this film already. There is all kinds of psychobabble and pseudoscience in this. It seems that Beth and this killer are psychically connected.

While Cindy (the stuck up chick) is gone, Beth and the girls sneak into her closet and try on her clothes in a sweet montage full of big shoulder pads and big boobies. I feel conflicted. The madman escapes from the asylum (“That was easy!” LeEtta comments (and she’s totally right)). The boyfriends show up and couples are arranged by height. There’s Andy, a goofy dumbass. Come on, Sarah! You can do better than that. A text from my friend Brad says that people call this film a Halloween rip-off. Ha! That’s pretty funny, I didn’t even think of that.

LeEtta the perfectionist notices that none of the lights are on in the house but the TV works just fine. The idiots find the murderer’s weapon hidden under a brick in the fireplace. They hypnotize Beth and she sees more and more of her past. She is the sole survivor of her brother’s massacre and- Whoa! Those are some huge bobbins on Tracy. They’re like titacular flesh missiles with nipple warheads.

Bobby shows up and the fun begins! This film mixes dreams with reality quite nicely. The revelation comes and it is pretty heavy handed at this point. The writers think the audience are a bunch of morons and are too stupid to follow along. Man, where would slasher movies be if people just kept hitting the killer when he’s down? How about we sever the head or bash a skull in for a change? Oh well.

curtains

2:10pm

Curtains

Brad (who is several states away) and I synchronize our DVD players and fire up Curtains. This film opens up ostentatiously enough with curtains opening. Very nice. A director, Johnathan Stryker (played by John Vernon), and his lead actress, Samantha (ohhhh, Samantha Eggar), go to see a psychologist and she flips out. Oh wait, she wants to get committed so she can study for her role. That, my friends, is a bad plan. So she’s in the loony bin and preparing for her role in the lead in the play called Audra. Of course, Stryker abandons her there.

Months later, Stryker is auditioning some chicks for Audra (at his house?) and oh snap, Samantha has escaped from the asylum with revenge on her mind. A rape scene turns out to be just a bored couple role-playing. Isn’t that sweet. Creepy doll moment! Hey, this movie is awesome. Patti, the comedienne chick, is great. She will probably be getting the best lines in this film and then the “perverted kid at the gas station” scene happens and I am totally right!

At the creepy old house, the tension between the actresses all vying for the same part is cranking up. Samantha makes her big entrance and I have to say she deserves to kill the shit out of Stryker. The guy is a major douchebagel. In a standout scene, the ice-skating chick finds that creepy doll buried in the snow and then the super freaky killer comes after her in ice-skates, wielding a scythe. That is what I call slasher perfection. Why the fuck is this film so hard to find? The stalking scene in the theatrical prop storage room reminded me of Blood and Black Lace. This is really good.

Short Break

I take Shadow out for a walk and it is very weird outside. It is also excruciatingly muggy out. The clouds are just hanging in the sky. If there is a breeze, I sure as shit can’t feel it. Once Shadow has finished relieving himself, I rush home as quickly as possible. Time for another movie. This next one is brought to us by the magical internet. I’ll be watching it on my computer.

hospitalmassacre

4:10pm

Hospital Massacre

Harold gives a little girl a valentine and she doesn’t respond very positively. So he kills her little brother. Flash forward 20 years and the little girl is all grown up. Her name is Susan (Barbi Benton). She has a freaky ex-husband and a daughter. This music is fantastic and this acting feels very TV movie of the week. Susan is going to the hospital for a routine checkup and things are immediately very bizarre. Yay! Another weird flick for the moviethon!

She gets on an elevator with some crazy person who is eating a hamburger dripping with ketchup. The killer shows up and he is a freaky duder in full surgeon’s regalia who grunts and breaths heavy. The killer switches Susan’s test results with that of a dying patient so that she has to stay in the hospital for more tests. This friggin’ movie is so damn strange. It is hospital freaky freaky!

Susan is on a table while a creepy doctor (who may or may not be the killer) is giving her an examination. It is cold, clinical, tense, and very off-putting. In fact, this movie is starting to get under my skin. It is making me uneasy and not in a good way. Susan gets lost in the seemingly endless halls of this hospital. The killer’s manipulations of the hospital bureaucracy is pretty brilliant. And the music! Every time the killer claims a victim, this odd chorus of female voices plays over the soundtrack. It’s rather Suspiria-like. I will never set foot in a hospital again.

Cigar Break

Shelly has come over though she is not exactly joining the moviethon. She, LeEtta, and Margie are going to a drag show. Yeah, I typed that correctly. I will be left alone with the slashers for a little while this evening. Out on the patio, Shelly smokes clove cigarettes (now marketed as clove cigars because of some ridiculous law) while I smoke a very dark Cain cigar. It is muggy and my Arizona watermelon drink is no help in cooling me off. When we get back inside the girls take off for true adventure.

slayerthe

7:05pm

The Slayer

I text Brad to let him know that I started this film and he does the same. You see, I’m not alone! The Slayer starts with a wicked nightmare sequence and I am hooked already. Our main lady is named Kay and she is haunted by some crazy visions. She and her husband David and another couple (her brother Eric and his wife Brooke) are going to spend a their vacation in an isolated beachside house. Kay might be disturbed. She is definitely an artist. They arrive on the island and it is gloomy and creepy. Major foreshadowing here. This is gonna be so good.

The guys are chill (even though Eric is a total dick) but the women folk are real complainers. The creepy caretaker is warning them about the coming storm but you know he’s talking about so much more. Some weirdo on the book is talking to himself when- Whack! Oar crushes skull! Take that, under-developed character. Where has this movie been all my life?

Brad makes a good point: “Nice to see adult characters in a slasher.” The storm comes and things get super spooky. Severed head awesomeness! Okay, that was just cool as hell. David is gone so everyone goes looking for him. Kay’s hair is almost as frightening as this movie – major helmet-head. She thinks the thing from her dreams is going to kill them all. Oops, they gave her sleeping pills. The dread is creeping in. Now Kay is alone and fighting to stay awake. This easily the scariest film I’ve seen in a while. Fucking awesome.

Long Break

I call up Brad so we can discuss The Slayer and we end up bullshitting for an hour and a half. Woops. I guess I could have watched a movie in that time but hey, we talked about slashers! I get off the phone so I can walk to 7-11 for some dinner. I get a hot dog and a Coke Slurpee. There is a storm in the distance and there is lightning in the clouds. For some reason, the parking lot of 7-11 and the parking lot of Gino’s are jumping. People really freak me out. I keep waiting for the machetes and knifes to come out. After laying waste to my dinner, I put on another film.

slaughterhigh

10:25pm

Slaughter High

Bitchin’ metal music, man! Caroline Munro pretending to be a high school student? All right. She and her dickhead friends stage a rather elaborate prank on Marty Rantzen, the school’s biggest nerd. Oh great, I just saw that dude’s dick. Man, these high school students are ancient. And the cruelty just won’t stop. The next prank goes too far and Marty gets blown up and hideously burned in the science lab. Fast forward some years and Caroline Munro is an actress with a sleazy manager. I love the way this is filmed.

I can’t tell if Munro is really awful or if it is her putrid American accent. Everyone in this movie is so obnoxious. And now the music sounds like plonky fart sounds. All these prankster assholes show up at the reunion and no one else. They break into the now condemned high school to party while a thunderstorm kicks up outside. The British actors are all trying to pretend to be Americans. This is the high school reunion that you bring a machine gun to.

A douchebagel drinks a poisoned beer and his guts explode. How quaint. All kinds of crazy shit starts happening. The idiots are locked in and the bars on the windows are electrified. Nice gore effects! If you decide to watch Slaughter High, prepare yourself to root for the villain and you’ll do just fine. All the bodies disappeared! Queue the theremin. The chase sequence at the end goes on too long but the ending is excellent. The biggest problem in this movie is Caroline Munro’s wardrobe. She is wearing this white Abba paintsuit with Bea Arthur shoulder pads. Sweet. Merciful. Jesus.

Goodnight

The girls return from their evening at Hamburger Mary’s where they witnessed a drag show. Once Slaughter High is over, I grab my guitar and strum along while listening to the stories of the crazy stuff I missed. When things die down and folks have sufficiently sobered up, we call it a night.

Sunday

Last night I was lying in bed and couldn’t get the characters from Hospital Massacre or Slaughter High out of my head. It was a slasher crossover of epic proportions and it was more than a little hallucinatory. To calm my racing mind, I thought about guitar pedals and effects loops. BAM! Instantly asleep. And then BAM! Acid reflux. Less than an hour later, I was in the kitchen munching on saltines and chastising myself for eating garbage after 10pm. Sigh, thems are the breaks. I slept like a rock until 10 in the morning. I know I dreamed but I don’t remember my dreams. My body needed the sleep but I’m still annoyed. Only 6 movies yesterday? Lame. That just means I have got to get righteous today. Okay kids, bring on the corpses and boobs!

splatteruniversity

10:54am

Splatter University

Somewhere in New York City, or Jersey, or some other godforsaken place, there is a crazy people ward with a bunch of annoying patients acting stupid. One of the patients finds a knife. Then some nurse with a terrible attitude gives an orderly and another nurse some grief while she smokes casually in the hallway. She is unbelievably hot. The orderly gets stabbed in the dick and we’re off. After a charmingly simple synthesizer-infused credit sequence, I fall in love with this film. Then it’s St. Trinians College three years later. Then a chick gets killed. Then it’s St. Trinians College one year later. What the hell?

Miss Parker aces her interview with the priest at St. Trinians. He warns her that her classroom is jinxed and that a girl was murdered there. I like this chick. She’s a little frumpy but she’s got a lot of class. But maybe she’s a secret hottie. Oh no, we are introduced to our future victims and they are horrible. It’s a bunch of lunkheads that weren’t charismatic enough for their Jersey Shore audition. I am going to tell you right now, I fucking hate the fuck out of these fuckers. I can’t tell if Splatter University is funny or thinks it’s being funny. We might have a case of unthinkable sarcasm or sub-irony here. I’m guessing this is a comedy. That makes me feel sad.

The first day on the job, Miss Parker gets in trouble when the students bring up abortion for debate topic in her sociology class while a priest is observing. My favorite character is Tony. He’s cheating on his girlfriend with a girl with huge hair. She asks him if he brought a condom and he tells her he’s already wearing it. He’s just a genuinely charming guy. Speaking of charm, this movie has loads of it. The cheap look, crappy sound, recycled footage, and infantile performances actually work.

I thought Slaughter High had the least likable characters of the moviethon but oh no, this is where all the jerks are at. Miss Parker is cool and I was right, she is totally a secret hottie. And she’s the only person that doesn’t make my skin crawl. She starts dating Mark, the suspicious professor who lies about knowing the teacher who got killed in her classroom. The murders are piling up and I’m just thinking to myself, “I wonder what the next flick in the moviethon will be.” Splatter University is good for a laugh or two but it’s not what one might call essential. I am very happy when it is over.

memorialvalleymassacre

“Besides those yayhoos couldn’t punch their way through a wet cracker anyways.”

12:19pm

Memorial Valley Massacre

From dirt cheap to only moderately cheap. The opening sequence has wretched muzak and stock footage. Cameron Mitchell? That’s all I needed to know! Cam is a big blowhard who is opening Memorial Valley for the public before it’s ready. His son David shows up looking for work and he is required by law to give him a job. David takes a lot of grief for being boss’s son from Ranger Webster. Oh, what’s this? There is some kind of a caveman causing trouble for the campers. No seriously. Did I mention this is a comedy?

Memorial Valley Massacre is a parade of wrong down a dead end street. The caveman is kind to the animals and all of the campers are stupid scumbags. It’s nature vs. city folk and we are all going to lose no matter what the outcome. The terrible fat kid goes for a spin on an ATV and the caveman takes him out. I’ll be damned if this isn’t entertaining. Deke, the cool old black guy, tells David about how Ranger Webster’s kid was kidnapped but never found and the police suspect that his body is buried somewhere in Memorial Valley. I’m ashamed for the screenwriters now.

A bear is blamed for the fat kid’s death and Ranger Webster refuses to shut the place down. He rounds up a posse of idiots with guns to go looking for the bear. This film is incalculably terrible and yet I like it. I just wish Cameron Mitchell would come back. Sigh. Today is going to be long and painful. One guy gets speared in the stomach AND throw into a pit of spikes. Margie asks if that’s overkill and I say that there I no such thing as overkill in a slasher movie.

The caveman finally meets a girl trampy enough to talk him through lovemaking but he gets too excited and breaks her back. Ugh, when is this going to end? Margie, LeEtta, and I have lots of questions for this movie. Why does the caveman not have a beard? How does he know how to operate a bulldozer? These will never be answered but at least we have them. That one chick notices that it’s Memorial Day and for some reason all hell breaks loose immediately. Stuff happens, the credits roll, and I feel like trying crystal meth for the first time. Screw it! Time for the next film.

dormthatdrippedblood

2:03pm

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

I don’t know who to trust. I don’t want to get attached to any of these characters. I’ve been hurt so many times before. Some guy gets strangled and just for an added bonus the killer cuts off a couple of his fingers. The movies are happening to fast for me to process them. That cute chick from other movies is in this. Her name is Debbie. She is somebody named something. Zuniga! Daphne Zuniga. There are people cleaning out a dorm, I think. There’s a girl on the phone and she is upset because they were going to take 75 tables and now they don’t know what they’re doing. SHIT. Maybe the crystal meth wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

Debbie is going home for the holidays with her ugly parents. I’m not kidding, her parents are insanely ugly. Oops, now they’re all dead! See, that’s why I shouldn’t get close to people. Now that Debbie is gone I don’t know I’m be able to keep going. So now Joann is the girl we are supposed to be following. I feel so ashamed. I don’t want anyone else to die. This movie is pretty good so far.

Let me just make it clear right now that I am having trouble writing down my thoughts because they are nonsense. Joann is having doubts about her relationship with a guy who looks vaguely like Krist Novoselic (before he want bald). Some creepo has been sneaking around Dayton Hall and causing problems but he really just wants to be around people. He lacks the social graces! And he might have stolen a drill. I like Patty. She is cute and she has the hots for somebody. Her boyfriend Bryan isn’t going to be too happy about that.

So they’re in the dorm, the phone line it cut, and the lights are out. It is that simple, my friends. There are some cool scenes and I know that I am not doing this one justice. Gruesome kills. Nicely shot. Awesome score. Smart final girl which is always a plus. And that ending is wicked brutal. Oh jeez. I did not see that coming.

preythe

“Gypsies always go away, don’t they?”

3:34pm

The Prey

I put on this DVD from Cinema de Bizarre. It looks like their source is either the Japanese VHS or the laserdisc. Oh goodie, kids going camping. Gayle (beyatch), Bobby, and some dudez. And there’s a park ranger. Nature footage. The killer has monstrous creature hands. This is okay. A snake eats a mouse and people are mumbling around the campfire. One dude starts telling a story and we get a flashback to some gypsies telling a story about a killer. Levels of reality, my friends. Levels. Fuck, these fuckers can’t tell a fucking story to save their lives. The sepia tone for the flashback fades away but we’re still in the past.

Some gypsy has sex with a lady. It was totally consensual but she claims rape. Now everyone hates the gypsies. The people who shot this crap were in love with making movies and not watching them. Where’s Johnny Depp? He’s supposed to be a Chocolat gypsy, right? LeEtta points out that these are decidedly European gypsies. What are they doing in Great Depression era America or whatever? This damn gypsy party is going on forever and forever.

I am getting the distinct impression that this was two unrelated films joined together to make a mountain of suck. There’s lots of sex in this movie and everyone is panting and moaning and hissing. I fast-forward through a couple of these sex scenes. Sorry. Most of the music for this film sounds like stuff from the library archives. Despite the unrelated gypsy footage and the obviously padded storyline, I still love the ending.

Short Break

Me walk dog. Me hear screams of children. Happy screams. The sun is burning my brain. Me come back. Me wash face. Me get second wind. There is a dead snake.

dontgointhewoods

5:36pm

Don’t Go in the Woods

[The following is a transcript of audio captured with a handheld voice recorder.]

[beep]

Richard: My name is Richard. It is 5:36 on a Sunday afternoon and I am about to press play on Don’t Go in the Woods. But before I do that, I am going to mention that my wife LeEtta and I went outside and picked up a dead snake. It was not something that we are collecting but we decided to pick it up and throw it away because it was going to rot and get all stinky. And the maintenance people are off today because of the holiday weekend so we took care of the rotting corpse of the snake.

And now we are going to have some dinner shortly- Oh, we washed our hands. Let me make that abundantly clear. And we are going to watch a movie. There’s a pork roast in the oven and LeEtta is frying up some vegetables and I believe there is going to be some rice. So, I will start this movie now.

[beep]

This is what is known as a backwoods slasher film. The reason it is called backwoods is because it was filmed in the woods out back behind the community college. There were over 6 backwoods slasher movies make during the 1980s. This is one of those 6. What you need to know about this movie is that it takes place in the backwoods. There are trees, creeks, sticks, branches, water, sunlight, there are probably caves, and there might be nighttime when the sun goes down. If that is a spoiler, I apologize.

[beep]

I should mention that there are campers in this movie. Campers are people that go into nature in order to camp. They often like to bring short shorts or sleeveless shorts. Sometimes they are prone to humping. Sometimes they are prone to arguing and getting lost. These particular campers are very attractive people. They were born in the 80s and therefore the movie takes place in the 80s.

So far we have seen one person get killed. This person was not a camper. This person appeared to be a nature observer or a scientist. This person was killed with an object of sharpness. It was not clear what it was but his face got hurt and his arm was cut off. Then there was screaming and the camera cut away. I’m not sure what we missed but I am sure it was very exciting what we didn’t see. This is a movie.

[beep]

One surprising aspect of Don’t Go In The Woods is the presence of cameras in urban settings. In something that resembled a police station in a city or town there are people talking and there is a woman who is dubbed. That is not her voice. I’m not sure how they can show an acting without sharing their voice. There is a man with curly blond hair who is talking but I can’t hear what he is saying because I am recording this. There is a fat sheriff in this movie. A frighteningly fat sheriff.

This is film is made with film and it is old looking despite the fact that it was made sometimes in the 80s. It looks old as though, for instance, there were things that look old about it. Sometimes the camera is out of focus. I believe that this is an artist measure to keep us squinting and fearful of what is going to happen in this horror movie. Please wait while I watch the horror movie.

[beep]

I just want to say here and now that this is probably the greatest film ever made out in the woods with a Farah Fawcett rug on the ceiling of a camper. There is a woman who says things. She has a hawk-nose and she says horrible things. And there’s this guy named Dick who’s her lover and he keeps repeating himself over and over again. And I think perhaps he has earn an Oscar for his performance several times over. Fifteen honorary Oscars for every moment he is onscreen. And now Dick is dead. Poor Dick.

[beep]

My mother-in-law believes that aviator sunglasses are racist because more than just aviators wear them. It seems an unfair stereotype to refer to those sunglasses as aviator sunglasses. I need to point something out about this movie while I am talking about it. There are people being stabbed and there is blood flying everywhere.

LeEtta: Furry hands!

Richard: My wife said something about furry hands. She may be saying something-

LeEtta: The attacker had furry hands.

Richard: She may be saying something not related to the movie. But I believe she said the attacker had furry hands which means that the attacker is one of those people that dresses up like a panda bear and has sex in convention halls.

[beep]

One thing that many people don’t realize about Don’t Go in the Woods is that it is a dialog driven movie. For those of you who are dialog lovers, this DVD has provided you with the remastering . The music is loud, the screaming is loud, the sound effects are loud, um… Unfortunately the dialog is mixed very quietly so you may want to turn on the subtitle option so you can figure out what’s going on the movie. There is no subtitle option on this movie because deaf people can’t hear. So who is going to type it up? A bunch of listeners? I don’t believe that’s fair or right or just. This is American, people, let’s see what we can do.

[beep]

One of the aspects of Don’t Go in the Woods is the wondrous music used throughout this film. In particular is the music used when the killer -who is a mountain man- shows up in his fur-wrapped baton talon knife javelin sword with the people he is trying to kill. It is a curious sound and my wife has identified it as a bouncy rubber ball. Boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing boing. This sound when you hear it, it means run because that means the killer is coming.

There are t-shirts in this movie and tents and roots of trees. Um… I haven’t seen any insects but I am assuming there are insects. There are jeans and t-shirts and rocks in this movie. There are also branches of trees. LeEtta asked the question why do women have the baggy shirts and why do men have the tight shirts. And the answer is obvious. Those aren’t women. Those are men. Very, very sultry men.

LeEtta: In aviator sunglasses.

Richard: Don’t be a racist. It’s not about aviator sunglasses. Do you want to be in a street fight? Then don’t wear your aviators! Don’t wear your aviators!

[beep]

Hellos this is Richard again. We have reached the hour mark and we are done with this movie. I just want to make a note of that. This movie should be ending. Um… So… Just letting you know that.

[beep]

Far be it from me for criticizing a movie for being different but- Wait a minute! What the fuck? I was just about to talk shit about this movie because the girls are out of commission. One girl dead. One girl in the hospital. But they just went on this little hunting party to go find Joanie and they brought Ingrid along to help collect evidence. And of course, she’s completely traumatized, wrapped in a blanket, and staring at a bloody machete. And… there’s one other thing. She looks like a boy!

LeEtta: She does. She looks like one of the Weasley twins.

Richard: Ohhhhh. Hogwarts isn’t Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.

[beep]

Okay, this is Richard and the movie is over. LeEtta would you like to share your thoughts on this film?

LeEtta: Oh my God.

Richard: Could you elaborate?

LeEtta: There’s a little girl in the woods and she’s-

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: No, there was always a little girl in the woods.

Richard: Hey, that’s a spoiler.

LeEtta: In the beginning there was… axe. Axes?

Richard: Axe me a question, I’ll tell you no lies.

LeEtta: I forgot what the [unintelligible] was. [laughing]

Richard: That was my wife. So Margie, would you care to comment on the movie?

Margie: I didn’t get to see the whole thing.

Richard: What did you think of what you saw?

LeEtta: The Teddy Bears’ Picnic!

Margie: It would be a spoiler.

LeEtta: It’s the Teddy Bears’ Picnic.

Richard: That is awesome. That is a perfect closing song for this perfect movie.

[beep]

initiationthe

7:28pm

The Initiation

This movies starts off with some neato synthesizers and dolls with their heads ripped off. A little girl is seeing her mommy bang a strange man. Her father walks in, flips out, fights with the stranger, and then dies in the ensuing fire. It was a dream! Flash forward to some awesome sorority chicks in lingerie standing over the waking Kelly (Zuniga again) and chanting.

Next thing, we go to a madhouse with some crazy patients. Could Kelly’s dad be alive? No way! The mean old nurse can’t control the patients. Zuniga has more dreams/nightmares. Hey, this is a smart movie. But don’t fret, there is time for melodrama (dead serious confessions) and clowning around (sorority and fraternity pranks).

She has to help the sorority girls break in to her father’s department store. The pledges’ mission is to steal the uniform off the hunky security guard there. They don’t know that the poor bastard is already dead. The bitchy sister from hell has something up her sleeve so the girls get a big scare. This is really good. How the hell did I wait so long to watch this? Time just flies. Never a dull moment. I wish I had more to say.

houseonsororityrow

“Aim at that sack over there.”

9:13pm

The House on Sorority Row

Please note: For some reason, I lost the ability to take notes during this movie. I could neither type nor write them down by hand. After I begged her to help me, LeEtta agreed to take over. Here is what she wrote down:

Hello, this is LeEtta reporting.

Sorority babes just graduated and stick around to help clean up the house.

Balloon looks like a boob.

Hey, so the house mother is the lady giving birth in the first scene.

It’s an uprising!

Uh oh! Doc is giving the lowdown on Ms. Frazier’s (the house mother’s) craziness.

A GUN, A GUN.

Hey, that gun is loaded.

Oh damn, accidental death.

Richard says: The one thing that really dates this movie is the band.

Richard says: That’s more Peter than I can handle!

Richard says: Ah! I love the knowing glances.

Hey look, old fuses.

What’s with the saggy bottom boys?

“I’m a sea pig.”

That is a fantastic figure to put clothes on.

Yeah! Put the body in the dumpster.

Dead bird in cage.

Richard is making suppositions about Peter.

In case of emergency, call Doc.

Hide body in open grave – ingenious!

Why the hell is Doc sneaking up on people with hypodermic needles, yo?

Crazy awesome lighting cool hallway shot killer in a mask head in toilet

OH NOES – KILLER ISN’T DEAD!

The Last Short Break

Margie heads off to bed, wishing us the best of luck. We hit the showers for a last bit of energy to get through the last movie. We are relatively delirious. I slam my Mountain Dew just to make sure I can stay on the ball.

intruder

11:01pm

Intruder

I found the laserdisc of this for 50 cents once and started watching it. During the first few minutes I checked IMDB and found out that it was the censored version. I immediately turned off the movie and then totally forgot about it. So here it is, finally. Uh oh Jen is having guy trouble. Her ex, Craig, shows up at her job at the grocery store just before closing and starts making trouble. In fact, he pretty much kicks the asses of all the dudes that work there and then takes off to parts unknown in the store. LeEtta wakes up (I didn’t even noticed that she had dozed off) and decides to call it a night.

The tension builds immediately and you just have to wonder where the hell this is going. The Raimi boys are in this and they are friggin’ great. They catch Craig and throw him out of the store. While waiting for the cops to come, the boss drops the bomb on them; he’s selling the store and their employment ends at the end of the month. As an added bonus they have to stay late repricing the entire store. Jen reveals to her pal Linda that her jerky ex actually killed a guy in a bar brawl so she broke up with him.

This movie is an indie spectacular. There are lots of crazy experimental shots and all kinds of character dynamics and development that you don’t normally see in a slasher. I love the way this is building. What in the world is going to happen? When does this turn into a horror movie? Okay, Linda just got whacked. The dark sense of humor of Intruder just showed itself.

One by one everyone is getting knocked off in increasingly gory ways. There is a table saw scene that reminds me of the one in Joe D’Amato’s Rosso Sangue only done way better. This film is just cool and clever and bad ass. This flick is just way, way over the top. What I love about Intruder is that it feels like something I would have caught on cable back in the day and loved immensely. I love it now (even if it’s a little long-winded).

12:41am

Conclusion

This moviethon, more than all the others before it, feels like it was a very long journey. I can’t remember what movie I started with. And I feel like a different person than the guy I was on Friday morning. When I turn off the lights and walk across the bedroom, even the darkness is disorienting. I can feel the blood of all those murders swirling around me as my brain pulses and these invisible waves roll through, distorting my senses. And to think, people take drugs to feel this way. Fools! Good freakin’ night, my friends. Thank any and all of you for joining me on this ultra-slashy 3 day weekend. Happy Memorial Day.

Final Stats

Total Body Count – 175 (approximately)
Nude Scenes – 37 (boobs, butts, bush, and wieners)

Dark Romances

darkromances

Dark Romances I & II (1990)

This horror anthology has seven separate stories. In “The Black Veil”, Meg (Elizabeth Morehead) visits her college friend, Justine (Julie Carlson), to try and rescue her from the unsavory life she is leading in the Grand Guignol theatre. Little does Meg know, that Justine is in more trouble than even she realizes. In “Listen To Midnight” photographer Tod’s (Ron Roleck) questionable lifestyle finally catches up with him when he brings home the wrong woman.

“She’s Bad, She’s Blonde, She’s Lunch” is the story of a criminal couple who have a fateful meeting with a mad scientist (Fox Harris) and his creation. In “Cardinal Sin” a young man’s desires clash with his mother’s overbearing religious beliefs with deadly results. “Pet Shop Of Death” is the tale of Sam (Mark Addy), a man who will go to great lengths to get his dominating wife (Katina Garner) off his back in order to win the affections of his sexy neighbor. In “Last Love” a woman attempts to bring her dead lover back to life. The last story, “What Goes Around…” tells of a washed up artist (Jeff Maxwell) whose inspiration is renewed when he gets involved with a mysterious woman named Diana (Brinke Stevens). Unfortunately, she wants to destroy him in order to bring him success.

Surprise. Bewilderment. Awe. Ouch. These are just a few of the things I’m experiencing while walking away from a back to back Dark Romances marathon. Garage gore, sub-ironic product placement, arthouse aspirations, every paltry video effect known to man, ineluctable late 80s cheese, dialogue like broken glass, schlocky acting, Brinke Stevens (Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama), and much, much more await you here in this very dense and oddly hypnotic shot-on-video horror anthology.

While I’m impressed by the ambitious storyline and setting of “The Black Veil”, sitting through it is another matter entirely. An intentional (I hope) soft focus haze persists throughout the running time of this (overlong) section but some excessive gore makes up for a lot of this. Up next is one of my favorite pieces from the anthology called “Talk To Midnight” which features Ron Roleck as Tod, the sleazy photographer with enough neo-noir moxie to peel the paint off a Maserati. Tod finally meets his match in Ginger (played by Anita Coleito), a voluptuous vamp sweet enough to give me cavities. Cavities of death!

On tape 2, the second best of the best comes tearing across the screen with a vengeance: “She’s Bad, She’s Blonde, She’s Lunch”. A neat little disclaimer warns the viewer of impending doom but even that didn’t prepare me for the sheer delight I was in store for. Ruth Waytz and Ron Kologie go on a murderous rampage in a comic book store and the next thing I know, Fox Harris (Repo Man, Dr. Caligari) is making me feel alive again. Then this green and naked monster shows up and the movie erupts with some fugly vaginal and phallic symbols. Simply joyous.

I’ve had enough already and yet tape 2 keeps running. “Cardinal Sin” is loaded with repressed sexual urges, blood, and pornstar Elle Rio steaming things up. The next installment, “Pet Shop Of Death” is an indie horror near-masterpiece with much demented fun to be had. “Last Love” is somewhat weak and really not welcome at this point in the game. Thankfully, the black and white finale, “What Goes Around…”, is just ridiculous enough to finish things off. Besides, it stars Brinke Stevens as the collector of artists’ parts (I mean, souls) and the trippy sci-fi nonsense angle adds some spice to this one quite nicely.

And we’re done. I’m jittery, bloated, but not irritable. Despite some weak moments, Dark Romances is one hell of a trashy fun time. The it’s-so-80s-it-hurts vibe only makes the 3 hour ride all the more endearing. The gore and nudity run rampant in some sections while other “artier(!?!)” stories in the anthology are somewhat tame. Even the clunkier sections (“The Black Veil” and “Last Love”) have their own style and don’t require any fast-forwarding. Brinke Stevens keeps popping up in all the stories so yeah, stay tuned! Both volumes of Dark Romances are clearly a labor of love for those involved and it’s a shame that this title remains somewhat obscure. I’m going to go and stare at some neon lights now and eat some frozen yogurt.

Zeder

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Zeder AKA Revenge of the Dead (1983)

After receiving a used typewriter for an anniversary present, Stefano (Gabriele Lavia) discovers a bizarre treatise on raising the dead imprinted on the ribbon. He convinces his wife, Alessandra (Anne Canovas), and his best friend, Guido (Alessandro Partexano), to aid him in his search for the “K Zones”, areas where the dead return to life. Meanwhile, a group of scientists are conducting their own research in this phenomenon with deadly results. As Stefano gets closer to finding the truth, he uncovers a conspiracy which someone is willing to kill in order to keep hidden.

Pupi Avati (The House with the Laughing Windows) directs this superb and very odd little horror film. The eccentricities of Zeder come mainly from how the film never really moves when and in what direction you expect it to. Even the brilliant (though wholly bizarre) soundtrack by Riz Ortolani (Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye) defies expectations by laying out a Goblin-like bass riff that gives way to a seriously maladjusted string arrangement.

The plot gets shaky as the scenes with the scientists don’t quite gel with those of Stefano. I think the problem lies in the amount of mystery surrounding their research. I’m glad the film doesn’t go too far explaining every little detail but I’m just left wanting more. I like it when movies do that.

Gabriele Lavia (Deep Red, Beyond the Door) plays Stefano, another one of Avati’s damned heroes (see Laughing Windows), perfectly. It is amazing to watch Lavia as Stefano, this obsessive character who becomes intrigued by a mystery only to be totally consumed by it. Another doomed individual is Dr. Goodman, played by Paola Tanziani, whose contact with the undead left her physically and emotionally scarred. I really dig this actress and it astounds me that didn’t make anymore films after this one.

Wow, Zeder has slowly crawled its way into my top ten favorite Italian horror films of all time. I rented this film under the misleading Revenge of the Dead title at my local video store when I was a kid and it really didn’t sit well with me. Aside from disappointment of the zombie onslaught the VHS cover art promised, I was genuinely creeped out by this one. Zeder managed to stay with me years after watching it. The idea that death is a patient creature willing to let you sprint ahead only to catch you the moment you collapse combined with its amusement at humankind’s futile attempts to escape the inevitable is some dang creepy shit.

What we’ve got here is Zeder, an atypical zombie film. Sure, there’s a couple of undead creatures wreaking havoc in Bologna but don’t expect any brain-eating, flesh-eating, or gunshots to the head. Like I said before, this film does not behave in a normal horror movie manner but that is exactly what makes it so awesome. Patient viewers will be rewarded with a sense of dread that only the Italians know how to deliver. Nice job, Pupi.

Haunting Fear

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Haunting Fear (1990)

Victoria Munroe (Brinke Stevens) is haunted by horrible nightmares particularly those involving premature burial. Her husband Terry (Jay Richardson) is more worried about paying off his loan shark and banging his secretary Lisa (Delia Sheppard). Victoria blames Dr. Carlton (Robert Clarke) for the death of her father and is haunted by visions of her dad being buried alive in her dreams. Meanwhile, Terry’s loan shark (played by Robert Quarry) sends his enforcer (Jan-Michael Vincent) posing as a police detective to keep an eye on the house in case Terry tries to skip town without paying.

Dr. Carlton calls in Dr. Julia Harcourt (Karen Black), a paranormal psychologist, to examine Victoria. Using hypnotherapy, she uncovers that Victoria was buried alive by her husband in a previous life. In order to get a hold of her dead father’s money and house, Terry and Lisa decide to use Victoria’s past life trauma to try and scare her into having a heart attack. What they don’t count on is Victoria going completely insane and going on a stabbing binge with a butcher knife.

Well, color me surprised. I wasn’t expecting Haunting Fear to be this good. I have now learned never to underestimate Fred Olen Ray. It’s not my fault though. Have you ever seen Biohazard? The quote from Edgar Allen Poe, the simple opening credits that look like a classic 70s horror film, and Chuck Cirino’s perfectly pretty and haunting score, instantly convinced me this was a different film from the usual Ray insanity. Production values are modest but not rock bottom and the film is cut and shot excellently. There’s as much atmosphere as there is hokey bullshit in the script and things just sort of balance out. To fill in the gaps, there’s sex and even a little gore.

Ray regular Jay Richardson is such a great sleazebag in this movie. I can’t help but like the guy even though he is the scum of the earth. He and the lovely Delia Sheppard have a couple of love scenes that are ridiculously violent. It’s a love scene but oh yeah, they beat the shit out of each other. Karen Black (The Day of the Locust) rocks the Loretta Swit wig and the pink lipstick but she just seems kind of annoyed during her scenes. Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) makes a spirited cameo as a mortician. Jan-Michael Vincent is pretty good in this though he does seem a little out of place. His character has mixed up motivations (to say the least) but he does try to save the day. Alas, it is just too little, too late.

This really is Brinke Stevens’ (Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama) movie. She knocks it out of the park as Victoria, a woman haunted by her dreams and who begins to lose her mind when those dreams start bleeding into the waking world. When she finally goes off the deep end, get the hell out of her way. Once her character comes back from the edge (I’m trying to not to say ‘brink’ here) of death, it is quite a transformation and well worth waiting for. When Stevens is in her crazy makeup, she channels Myrna Fahey in House of Usher but cranks it up a couple of loony notches.

Haunting Fear is a twisted and cruel little horror movie that works because it manages to be equally trashy, horrific, and fun. Instead of rushing through things or being half-assed, Fred Olen Ray puts a great deal of care into the production. There are moments of subtlety and patience to allow Brinke Stevens to do something great with her character and it pays off big time. Is this a cheesy B-movie? Sure. Does it meet the requirements for junky late night cable filler? You know it does! But more importantly, this movie is a prime example of how awesome flicks can seemingly come out of nowhere and, for those of us who love the genre, be our instant classics. I’m already nostalgic for Haunting Fear and I just watched it yesterday.

“What a fortunate turn of events. I think this calls for a hot tub session… of some kind.”

Fan, The

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The Fan (1981)

Renowned film and stage actress, Sally Ross (Lauren Bacall), is making her Broadway debut and is also still settling in after her divorce from Jake (James Garner). So she has very little time to notice the letters of an obsessive fan named Douglas Breen (Michael Biehn) which are growing increasingly frightening. Breen quits his record store job in order to focus entirely on his growing “relationship” with Ross. He begins violently assaulting anyone close to her in order to make her take notice of him. Against the wishes of Inspector Andrews (Hector Elizondo), Sally flees to her beach home until word of Breen’s apparent suicide and a chance at a new start with Jake brings her back to the city and to her Broadway show. Unfortunately for Sally, stage-fright isn’t the only thing she has to worry about on opening night.

This 1981 thriller isn’t to be confused with the Snipes/De Niro disaster of the same name. No, The Fan starring Lauren Bacall is a disaster all its own. Edward Bianichi’s directorial debut is a clunky one (he didn’t direct another feature film for a decade) with several inspired moments. Cinematography by Dick Bush (Laughter in the Dark, Twins of Evil) is technically astounding and the film’s final shot is breathtaking. The incredible Pino Donaggio composes another excellent score for The Fan. Even the cast is top notch and the writing is decent enough to hold the film together. All the right pieces for a classic film are in place but something went wrong here. Let’s investigate, shall we?

Michael Biehn (Aliens, The Abyss) is quite convincing as Douglas, the obsessed fan. He nails the psycho part perfectly. Lauren Bacall is excellent as the sheltered and naive Sally Ross who thinks that she has seen it all. As Sally’s situation becomes more and more dire and her friends turn up either dead or horribly injured, Bacall convincingly transforms her character into a dynamic person with more on her mind than bumping into her ex-husband at a party. James Garner and Lauren Bacall’s chemistry as a divorced couple works quite well but when their relationship starts to blossom again, it just doesn’t float. Hector Elizondo is perfectly cast as Inspector Andrews. A standard cop character in anyone else’s hands, Elizondo easily breathes life into his minor role, often stealing scenes from the rest of the cast.

What is with the late 70s/early 80s obsession with Broadway? The scenes where Sally Ross is preparing for her musical debut are just fine because they are rehearsals and meant to be rough around the edges. But once her act hits the stage near the end of the film, take cover. Lauren Bacall cannot sing and her wonderful screen presence does not translate to a Broadway musical performance. Its’ just plain bad and I can only assume that the musical scenes are meant to be completely serious.

Another problem with the movie is the absence of gore and the inability of the director to stage a decent death scene. Now don’t get me wrong, there is quite a bit of blood shed and even a pierced jugular thrown in for good measure but the film is lacking that hard edge that a trashy ’81 thriller desperately needs. The most stilted and awkward moments in the film (other than the Broadway bits) come during the violent scenes. The attacks on Sally’s friends feel overly cautious. It may have been a studio imposed censorship (nice going, Paramount!) or the director holding back but they just aren’t very shocking at all. Bianichi can easily build tension but when it all comes to a head, I feel cheated.

The Fan is definitely an interesting watch but the filmmakers’ and the studio’s lack of confidence in the film really shows. Some of the film is shocking and sleazy while some of it is very tame where it shouldn’t be. The stalker phenomenon may be completely played out nowadays but if one watches this with 1981 eyes (don’t ask me what those are) then The Fan still manages to be quite frightening and tense through much of its running time. If nothing else, watch it for that final shot.

Church, The

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The Church (1989)

Sometime in the 12th century, a group of Teutonic knights slaughtered a group of Pagans thinking them to plagued by a Satanic curse. A church was built on top of the site of the massacre. 800 years later, Evan the librarian (Tomas Arana) uncovers an ancient document that details a horrifying incident which inspired the design of the church. The closer Evan gets to uncovering the truth, the more bizarre and horrifying events begin to take place. When blood is shed inside the church, an automatic locking system traps everyone inside. Father Gus (Hugh Quarshie) tries to do his best to find the secret of the church’s architect in order to destroy the demonic plague before it spreads outside the church and destroys the world.

Michele Soavi (Stagefright) directs The Church AKA La Chiesa, an exercise in unholy atmosphere and gory entertainments. Visually, this film is nearly perfect: the razor-sharp cinematography, moody lighting, and must-be-seen-to-be-believed setpieces all come together in a dizzying explosion of hot and goopy damnation. The soundtrack provided by Keith Emerson, Philip Glass, Fabio Pignatelli, and Goblin is fantastic without a trace of any inappropriate heavy metal or silly pop.

Where the film goes wrong is in the writing. There are 8 or so writing credits (some credited, some not) heaped on The Church and you can really tell. This is one confusing film with many, many unanswered questions. The best unintentionally hilarious moment comes when Barbara Cupisti’s character calls the police from her (seemingly remote) cabin and their response time is around 30 seconds. Those viewers who need to understand what they’re watching will want to avoid this film. Oh, and the English dubbing. Holy crow, there are some awful voices and performances in this one.

TV and film actor, Hugh Quarshie, is excellent as Father Gus but where’s the dang character development? It’s pretty obvious that he’s the hero of the story once Evan the librarian goes south but the film could have easily devoted some time to giving some background to what drives Father Gus. Put Tomas Arana (Body Puzzle) on the list of actors that I don’t trust. Seriously, this guy is really creepy and I really hope he gets some more starring roles in horror films.

The Church sports quite a familiar faces from the Italian horror world. With an unforgettably menacing visage, Feodor Chaliapin Jr. (Dario Argento’s Inferno) is great as the creepy bishop. The queen of the overbites, Barbara Cupisti (Stagefright), plays Lisa, a young woman working at restoring the church’s frescos. The lovely and criminally underused actress Antonella Vitale gets all messed up in her role as “Bridal Model”. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for even more Italian horror awesomeness: John Richardson of Fear, Giovanni Radice of House On The Edge Of The Park, and of course, Asia Argento of The Stendhal Syndrome and Trauma.

The Church is a visually stunning film with a seriously battered and neglected script. The plot trails off several times and the WTF? factor is quite high throughout the running time. Thanks to Dario Argento’s producer credit, this film is quite lavish when compared to much of the late 80s Italian horror output. (Note: Supposedly, Dario Argento imposed some cuts to the film against Soavi’s wishes which might explain much of the film’s confusing narrative.) Also, you’ll have a tough time trying to find a film with as much blasphemy, perversion, and gore as The Church. The extremely talented Soavi went on to do even more amazing films such as The Sect and Cemetery Man before spending time directing made-for-TV action and drama films. We should all collectively pray that he returns to horror very soon.

“C’mon, have a biscuit! They’re groovy!”

Alien Predator

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Alien Predator (1985)

When Skylab crashes to Earth containing an alien parasite that causes people to go mad shortly before their heads explode, NASA steps in to clean up the mess. Unfortunately, the monstrous parasite proves to be too much for the scientists and their temporary base in Duerte, Spain is abandoned and the entire town is infected. Three American college students: Damon (Dennis Christopher), Michael (Martin Hewitt), and Sam (Lynn-Holly Johnson) just happen to be driving their RV through Duerte when they discover that the town is full of raving lunatics. They meet Dr. Tracer (Luis Prendes), a specialist from NASA, who believes he can develop an antidote to the parasite. Now the four of them must fight off the insane inhabitants of the town while working on the antidote before the rest of the world becomes infected.

Seeketh splatter and ye shall find it. But at what cost? I finally tracked down Alien Predator (thanks to the help of Uncle Sam at B-Headed). You see, I had nothing more than a couple of half-remembered scenes to go on. My mind was snagged on some images of mutilated corpses and dreary Spanish scenery from a movie I hadn’t seen in 20 years. So here I am, reunited (and it feels so good?) with Alien Predator at last. Why don’t we scavenge this corpse together? Chicken violence!

Deran Sarafian directs Alien Predator (about a million miles away from Alien Vs. Predator), a horror/sci-fi film that is dark, surreal, splattery, and pretty dumb, all at the same time. The story, based on a screenplay called “RV Park Massacre” or some BS, is pretty clunky, somewhat padded, and wildly unoriginal. Hey, how about another car chase!?! There are some disturbing and quite nasty gore setpieces scattered throughout the film but they just aren’t enough to catapult Alien Predator into the halls of classic splatter flicks. The soundtrack is ominous and perfectly suited for a horror movie until it suddenly dips into some 80s ass pop. Decent lighting and workmanlike cinematography come together quite well to provide a handful of eerie moments. The Spanish locations are especially drab adding to the sickening and hopeless atmosphere of the film.

Dennis Christopher (Fade To Black, Doppelganger) delivers as Damon, a goofy but rarely irritating “ladies man” (read as: subdued and charming crackhead). Veteran Spanish actor Luis Prendes does a fine job as Dr. Tracer but I’m sure glad he ditched his sidekick early on. I’m talking about J.O. Bosso. I don’t know who he is but I know that I couldn’t have been any happier when his character, Captain Wells, blows his brains out. Bond-girl Lynn-Holly Johnson (The Watcher In The Woods) is great with her spunky portrayal of (bad hair) Sam.

Now this is where the casting of this film is even more damaging than the script: Martin Hewitt as Michael. Holy shit, this guy is a terrible performer and astoundingly bland. His only believable scene is at the beginning when he is asleep at the wheel of the RV. Once the romance between Michael and Sam starts heating up, it’s all over. The fact that this is supposed to be our hero couldn’t be more pitiful. Dennis Christopher is clearly the romantic lead, dang it! I probably shouldn’t elaborate on my feelings.

Even though this movie was scratching at the back of my mind for 20 years and even though I really enjoyed it, I’m still having a tough time working up a good recommendation. As creepy and gory (exploding faces!) as Alien Predator is, it is also painfully stupid. The film gets bogged down in lame car chases and a romantic sub-diversion that will have you screaming for (“Hollywood’s #1 Driver!”) Michael’s head on a platter. In the film’s favor, there is an undeniable aura of weirdness throughout (dig those locals) and I’m astounded that the filmmakers got so much right. Alien Predator delivers quite a few genuinely haunting moments and downright freaky gore effects but folks looking for a lost 80s classic will be disappointed. I just can’t believe that I snuck this one past my parents all those years ago. Suckers!