To Sleep with a Vampire (1993)
A vampire named Jacob (Scott Valentine) approaches a stripper named Nina (Charlie Spradling) but not merely to drink her blood. Jacob has lived for so many years without the sun that he needs Nina to describe it to him. Nina agrees but only because Jacob plans to suck her dry before dawn and she needs to stall for time. In a desperate attempt at survival, Nina tries reasoning with the vampire and even tries to seduce him. As the night comes to a close the pair discovers more and more about each other. Could this be more than just Jacob’s need for blood and more than Nina’s drive to live through the night? Could this be love? Googy?
Erotic thriller my ass! Director Adam Friedman took some time off from directing Playboy specials to fart out this unintentionally comical vampire flick. The plot moves along awkwardly and maligns the viewer by keeping the two leads in one room long enough for some “deep” conversation about vampires. And then there’s the script… Holy living ass, this is some of the funniest and most quotable garbage I’ve ever heard. Not to mention that our actors deliver this tripe with utmost sincerity.
An important revelation from the script is that apparently strippers aren’t trying to sincerely seduce the men they’re dancing for. You’re blowing my mind, duder! From the cheap sound to the even cheaper special effects to the minimal locations, To Sleep With A Vampire is some half-assed nonsense. At least the cinematographer got to have some fun by sneaking in some interesting camera tricks here and there.
They say it takes two to tango or rather; it takes two to ruin a movie. Charlie Spradling and Scott Valentine have all the chemistry of a broken Rock’em Sock’em Robots game. Spradling (Meridian) must have graduated from the Shannen Doherty School of Scowl-Acting and Valentine (My Demon Lover), well, I don’t know where the damn hell they found this guy. While his Jacob character is busy shattering many of the myths that surround vampires, Valentine himself is shattering many viewers’ preconceived ideas about the immortal creatures as well. Vampires that are cool, dark, mysterious, and sexy are miles away from this picture. You won’t find a dorkier or more spastic vampire than Jacob with his contortionist facial expressions and knack for pushing the boundaries of scenery chewing. Oh God, he looks like a mouth-breather! And that tiger print Speedo?!?
To Sleep With A Vampire is a comedy. Don’t let IMDB fool you with words such as “Drama”, “Horror”, “Romance”, or “Thriller”. No, no! These are all lies. The only real drama comes from my sincere pity for Nina who has to spend the night talking (and much more!) with the lamest vampire in film history. Once you have tasted the forbidden fruit of Jacob and Nina’s doomed night together, you will forever be altered. Part of you will be screaming maniacally at your television and the rest will be trying to climb the walls. Oh yeah, Charlie Spradling gets naked. There you go. Exquisitely painful. Enjoy.
“What does it feel like to have a friend?”