This is a chapter from the book called Doomed Moviethon. Get your copy right here!
For some reason, Elvis Presley has never really appealed to me. I’ve heard some songs I liked but it wasn’t until LeEtta and I started binging his films on cable when I realized that I kinda love the guy. The appeal of Elvis movies are really hard to explain. They’re basically great and the really bad ones are even greater. They’re like James Bond movies. Exactly like them. I didn’t pull any quotes from these movies because well, I don’t think they’re very quotable. This could also be called The Norman Taurog Moviethon.
FRIDAY
After a quick trip to the grocery store for weekend supplies and dinner (subs from a fancy restaurant called Publix), we eat and then I clean the litterbox. I may have washed my hands once or twice. Let’s get this shit started. There’s a stack of 25 Elvis movies that aren’t going to watch themselves. You’re the hound dog now, man!
6:31PM – JAILHOUSE ROCK (1957)
This black and white number features our beloved hero being a total dickhead. Elvis plays Vince Everett, a construction worker who accidentally kills a man with his bare hands and goes to jail. His cellmate named Honk or Hunk teaches him how to pay for sex with cigarettes. Then Honk or Hunk teaches Vince how to play a diminished 7th chord on the guitar and how to sing. Big shocker: the kid has a knack for it!
The dickishness begins when Vince immediately screws over Honk or Hunk when he gets out of prison by not honoring the contract they carved into a prison guard’s back. Now a famous rock and roller, Vince transforms into the terrible person we’re sitting through a movie about. His angsty sarcasm is grating but his dreamy eyes keep drawing me back in. This tedious melodrama is based on true events. The weirdest moment comes when Honk or Hunk walks Vince’s dogs until their feet bleed.
8:11PM – FLAMING STAR (1960)
Now here’s one we’ve never seen before. Elvis plays Pacer Burton, a half-Native American so yeah, this is going to get very topical. LeEtta is smitten with Steve Forrest who plays Pacer’s Caucasian bro who just doesn’t understand. I don’t blame her for her crush. Elvis looks like a stick figure next to him when they have their shirts off. The movie explodes when some Native Americans ride in and kill some of their friends. Tomahawks and flaming arrows are flying and I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Can I turn this off now?
The incongruous fashions are fun at least. It’s a period piece but that all stops with the wardrobe department. The day for night filters are just confusing. Buffalo Horn wants Pacer to join their army because a war with the white man is coming. I think this film had its heart in the right place but the portrayal of Native Americans just ain’t working out. Hopefully, Elvis’s other westerns are better than this. Barbara Steele was going to be in this, but she was replaced by Barbara Eden and all of her scenes got cut. It’s probably for the best.
SATURDAY
Well, we’ve hit a snag. I woke up with a wicked sinus headache. Yardwork was almost impossible, especially since it’s July in Florida. When the back wheels of the mower fell off, I decided to stop. After a shower and a nap for me, our friend Kat comes over and we go to a late lunch at Senor Tequila, my current obsession. We get home and I put on the first and rather late movie of the day.
3:11PM – VIVA LAS VEGAS (1964)
Elvis plays Lucky Jackson, a race car driver entering the Las Vegas Grand Pricks. That wasn’t a typo. Ann-Margret’s legs show up and lucky is immediately competing with an Italian count (Cesare Danova) for her affections. If you like tacky shit then this film is a feast for your senses. The best sequence is when Lucky and his boyfriend go looking for Ann-Margret by hitting all the shows in Vegas. Assuming that she is a showgirl and not a doctor or a lawyer is sexist. They finally track her down at a swimming pool where she works as a lifeguard. Now they are singing together? Is that a thing in these movies?
Lucky’s luck runs out when he loses a wad of cash in the pool and can’t buy a motor before the big race. It’s okay because Ann-Margret’s butt makes everything okay. When this fabulous couple dance on a giant roulette wheel, I think it’s a metaphor for anal sex. Ann-Margret can’t handle the idea of Lucky getting in a car wreck so they break up. It all works out when he buys her a tree. It’s a metaphor for 69ing.
4:45PM – BLUE HAWAII (1961)
In one of my favorite Elvis movies, Elvis plays Chad Gates, a G.I. returning home to Hawaii. Chad’s lady friend named Maile (Joan Blackman) is waiting for him on the tarmac just in time to see him macking on a stewardess. In the car, he sings to Maile about how he was “almost always true” to her. Unbelievable! Chad avoids his overbearing family because he doesn’t want to work in the pineapple factory. This movie is so good because almost nothing happens in it. I miss painted backdrops. This movie is so dreamy already and I want to doze off.
To piss off his overbearing parents (including Angela Lansbury as his mom), Chad takes a job as a tour guide. Things get complicated when a sexy teacher and her teenage jerk students need to be shown around the island. Our friend Kat has pointed out that Elvis’s face just looks confused when he’s rocking out and now I can’t un-see it. The World’s Biggest Fuckhead award goes to Ellie. She falls for Chad and tries to seduce him with her subtle-as-a-tidal-wave teen sexy ways. When Chad flips out and spanks her, we all start screaming. There’s 1000 songs in this movie and one of them is about Chad’s pal who eats too much.
6:29PM – DOUBLE TROUBLE (1967)
The only thing that I remember about this film is that it sucks. The opening credits are a swingin’ good time of camp and the opening musical number is guitar porn for me. Elvis plays Guy Lambert, a singer on tour in England. His manager is a British schlub. Elvis looks bored and I don’t blame him at all. Guy is romancing a girl named Jill and it’s like watching a funeral. A joke just happened in the movie and we all nearly smirked. It turns out Guy’s love interest is a schoolgirl posing as an adult. Woops!
There’s a stolen diamond plot that makes me excited about this movie. Now someone is trying to kill Jill. A black-gloved killer?! Giallo tease. There’s so much corduroy in this film that I’m starting to chafe. Elvis starts singing the rock and roll version of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and now I know why people hate these movies. Director Norman Taurog is the devil. Diamond smugglers and an inheritance scheme? Who cares? Elvis just jumped out of a window to escape this film.
8:05PM – SPINOUT (1966)
My brain is mush and this is only the fourth film of the day. I know I’ve seen this before but it’s all a blur. Elvis plays Mike McCoy, a musician slash racecar driver. Shelley Fabares is in this. You may know her as the voice of Martha Kent in that Superman cartoon. I like her. We’ll see her again in a more memorable movie later. Mike plays a friggin’ rad guitar and his band has a girl drummer that’s melting my heart. Some lady is following Mike around while taking notes and watching him through binoculars. I hate it when that happens.
Elvis has returned to his dickish ways in this movie! Mike refuses a $5000 gig because of his principles not even thinking about his bandmates. Take the money, goofus. The woman following Mike around is writing a book about the “Perfect American Male”. It’s Diane McBain. You may know her as Pinky Pinkston from the Batman TV show. Help me. I’m drowning in my own references. Bless you, Google™. The plot is this: Mike doesn’t want to get married. It’s dumb as balls and the shitty jokes are awesome. This is like watching every Elvis movie at once. I think the song “Smorgasbord” is about having multiple STDs.
SUNDAY
After sleeping in very late, we put on a Lawrence Welk record and have bagels and coffee. It’s French Vanilla iced coffee for me with, get this, NO SUGAR! I feel infinitely better than yesterday but I think 25 movies may have been a little overly ambitious on my part. Crisco pukes up his breakfast. After breakfast, I do chores and then make a horrible mistake: I put on Harum Scarum [sic]. Let’s get this bullshit over with.
11:31AM – HARUM SCARUM (1965)
This opens with a movie within a movie bit. So it’s like a turd-filled donut and the donut is made of shit. Elvis plays Johnny Tyronne, a singer/actor on a goodwill tour of a country called Kibblestan(?). He falls for a princess and gets kidnapped. This movie has more white people done up as middle easterners than I am comfortable with. To be fair, I’m comfortable with exactly none. The king of the assassins has seen Johnny’s karate and wants him to kill the king. He says no and so they whip him. The costume designer should be whipped. According to trivia, the director himself designed Elvis’s terrible costume in the movie. What?
“I must seize the doorknob of opportunity whenever I hear a knock.” Did Shakespeare write this? I’m very concerned about the safety of the peacocks in this film. Who was the peacock wrangler? I hate to say it but man, this movie sucks ass. This is still the worst Elvis movie I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Tickle Me (1965). Everything that happens in this movie is either flubbery embarrassment or vastly inappropriate. Next!
1:58PM – EASY COME, EASY GO (1967)
After grilling up some bacon, hotdogs, and asparagus, we start up a film. In this, Elvis plays Ted Jackson, a lieutenant in the navy who disarms underwater mines. After discovering some treasure in the ocean, Ted and his crew enlist the help of Jud, played by Pat Harrington Jr. AKA Schneider from “One Day at a Time”. This guy is an inventor and a scum-sucking pig. He invented the Wheel of Women™ that you spin to help you choose your next conquest. It has women, their phone numbers, and measurements. It’s nicer than the one LeEtta and I have in our rumpus room.
Some supporting actors make this movie bearable. The yoga song is completely insane. Elvis plays a real dick in this one too! He’s trying to steal the gold from the wreck which belongs to someone else. He also says that treasure hunting is no job for a girl. Boo! Everything gets even more convoluted when some Aryan Nation Blonde Ambition Tour looking motherfucker gets involved and wants to steal the treasure for himself. Plotty plot plot and I don’t care.
3:35PM- CHARRO! (1969)
Ooh, I’m digging that spaghetti western-style credit sequence. Let’s see. This was filmed in Arizona and Hollywood, California and not Italy or Spain. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess. Elvis plays Jess Wade, a cowboy going around asking if a woman has been asking for him. Huh? Victor French (of “Highway to Heaven”) is in this as the villain. He and his cronies have a golden cannon with silver wheels. Things get nasty when he burns Elvis’s neck with a hot poker which probably smelled delicious. Put some of that on a banana and peanut butter sandwich.
After taming a wild horse in 5 minutes, Elvis goes to meet up with someone who may or may not be his dad or something. Whatever, Elvis is pretty good in this. I wish he’d gone to Europe and had made a real spaghetti western or a Jess Franco film. I’m going to say this even though everyone knows it: ELVIS PRESLEY HAD FUCKING TERRIBLE MANAGEMENT. Ina Balin plays his love interest in this movie and hoo boy, she is frickin’ hot! I wish Charo was in Charro! Her cutchi-cutchi could have livened this up a bit. While I eat cherry pie that LeEtta made with ice cream, I dispassionately watch as this film drowns in its own stupid. I’m like Phil Collins!
5:16PM – CLAMBAKE (1967)
I’ve decided that we’ll only watch Elvis movies that we actually enjoy for the rest of the day so LeEtta picks Clambake. Wow, this DVD looks like complete shit. Elvis plays Scott Hayward. Scott doesn’t want to be vice president of his daddy’s oil company, so he switches places with his buddy Will Hutchins (who was in Spinout) so he can be a waterski instructor. Elvis’s rival in this is Bill Bixby! Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Oh snap, we’ve got a Florida movie on our hands. Well, some Florida exterior shots anyway that feature an Elvis stand-in that you can’t quite see so good.
Like most guys, Elvis just wants to know if a woman loves him for him and not for his millions of fancy dollars. Shelly Fabares is in this. Hell flippin’ yes! By my count this was Elvis’s 25th film. Holy shit. Boat racing? That’s his real passion. And mine! The highlight of this film is Elvis singing “Confidence” with a bunch of kids at a playground. It’s ridonk. More guitar porn in this film! I want to jump in the movie and steal all of these stringed things. We spotted a very picturesque mountain range in the old Florida skyline.
6:57PM – SPEEDWAY (1968)
Elvis plays Steven Grayson, a racecar driver. Enough bullshit, let’s have some fascinating racing footage! Nancy Sinatra shows up as an IRS stooge who has it in for Elvis after his manager (Bill Bixby again!) royally fucks up their finances. After the scintillating racing footage, everyone goes to Birdie’s, an insane diner/nightclub that looks like the inside of Herbie the Love Bug’s asshole. Speaking of insane, Nancy Sinatra’s hair in this is totally deranged. LeEtta says that she looks even more bored than Elvis. It’s not a huge surprise that this was her last movie.
While Elvis tries to save his pal and destitute family who’re now living in a station wagon, Bixby is trying to fuck everything in sight. At least I think that’s what is going on, I’m not really paying attention. Ross Hagen from The Side Hackers (1969) is in this. He’s always great. That’s still my favorite MST3K episode because I know you were wondering. There’s thunder rumbling outside and making me want to watch something gory and violent. Speedway is kind of great.
8:35PM – IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR (1963)
Now the E-Man is a pilot named Mike Edwards who cares more about divebombing girls than the chemicals he’s dumping on potato crops. His moron friend named Danny, who has a gambling addiction, runs afoul of some bad people so they have to leave town fast. Mike’s constant womanizing will likely get him killed as well, so whatever. My favorite scene: Elvis walking through a screen door. That got an actual laugh out of me. Mike and Danny’s plane gets impounded so they go out on the road to make some cash. I guess they’ll blow dudes for money or blow each other in front of other dudes for money.
They get a lift from a kindly Chinese man (Kam Tong) who has a niece AKA the most adorable little plot device that ever walked this planet. Her name is Sue-Lin and she’s oh so precious. Mike takes Sue-Lin to the World’s Fair because her uncle has to blah blah. This movie is how I got into World’s Fairs and now own several of my own. I’m funny!
Mike feeds the kid 85 pounds of junk food and then has to take her to the nurse’s station where he meets his love interest Diane (Joan O’Brien). She’s into him but because Mike is a walking penis, he fucks it up. Oh little Kurt Russel, you little scamp! Who knew that kicking Elvis in the shin would make you turn into him? What else? Um, Yvonne Craig is in this one and Danny is a real piece of shit. This isn’t my favorite Elvis movie but I think it’s one of his best.
MONDAY
Last night, my sinus headache returned so the idea of another movie was out of the question. There is also the possibility that Jason Voorhees -wearing a pair of blue suede shoes- kicked down my door and chopped my head off. After sleeping in, we have breakfast at Brunchies and then go to Lowe’s for plants and replacement mower wheels. After some grueling yardwork, I quickly run out to pick up a cigar and some lunch.
12:48PM – G.I. BLUES (1960)
Struggling with our yard has put me in a terrible mood. Make me happy or die, movie. Elvis plays Tulsa McLean, an army duder with a tank crew stationed in Germany. He and his buds are trying to raise some cold hard cash for a nightclub in Oklahoma. I’m not going to encourage these goofballs because they’re taking bets on who can bed a girl named Lili. They actually have money riding on whether or not Tulsa or some other creepo named Turk can nail this poor woman. The saving grace to all of this disgusting crap is that Elvis is on frickin’ fire in this one.
Ooh! Letícia Román from Mario Bava’s The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963) is in this one! There’s lots of silliness that makes the dumb bet get more complicated. While Tulsa is trying to woo Lili, he sings “Pocketful of Rainbows”. It’s a fantastic song. Holy shit. Then Elvis takes care of a baby and then he mocks people a lot. My buddy Nafa joins us (he’s an actual Elvis fan and a reason to keep going!) just in time for some dreadful post-dubbed dialog slapped clumsily into this film.
2:35PM – ROUSTABOUT (1964)
Elvis plays Charlie Rogers, a dick. His character is nowhere near the dickitude of Jailhouse Rock but yeah. He works in a dive bar where he angers some frat boys by utterly humiliating them. There’s lots of drama. Charlie gets arrested after using karate on the frat boys and the hot waitress lady bails him out. Then she slaps his face. Nice! It’s all very desperate. On the way to the way to the next town, he gets run off the road by the only guy in the movie who’s a bigger shithead than he is, a drunk carnival employee named Joe Lean (Leif Erickson).
Joe’s daughter Cathy will be our love interest for this 101 minutes of Elvisness. She’s played by Joan Freeman of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984). Maggie (Barbara Stanwyck) the owner of the carnival has the bright idea to give Charlie a job until his broken motorcycle is fixed. The carnival is in trouble with the bank and the competing carnival tycoon is a total doucheknuckle. More importantly, Charlie is treating Cathy like shit already. He didn’t even wait until marriage!
Drunk ass Joe Lean is bringing me down. I want to jump inside the movie and slice his throat to put everyone out of his misery but I don’t want to make him a martyr. We all have a good time soaking up the dreadful dialog featuring the secret language of carnies. The tension of the dunk tank sequence is palpable. I actually feel really anxious during it. Then the movie comes to a complete stop while Charlie drives his bike around the Wall of Death. Ugh.
4:18PM – FOLLOW THAT DREAM (1962)
It’s time to return to Florida. And there are actual Florida locations this time! Elvis plays Jethro Clampett. Just kidding, he plays Toby. He and his family of hicks are too dumb to function. This film establishes its tone super fast by slowing down. They find an abandoned beach and take advantage of a zoning loophole in order to do some expert squatting. This movie is quaint and kind of brilliant. Nafa points out that Elvis isn’t cool in this movie, he’s just a clever simpleton.
The mafia moves in and sets up trailers for some illegal gambling. Their cunning street smarts are no match for hillbilly wisdom. Queue the good natured fight sequence! The hot social worker lady has the hots for Toby but that’s too bad for her. He says he isn’t into girls because he doesn’t want all the bother. So he’s asexual. Just say it, movie! Arthur O’Connell is in this. I always mix him up with Jack Albertson.
CIGAR BREAK
I light up a Casa Fernandez cigar and drink some iced tea LeEtta made with a side of Gatorade. Nafa and I shoot the proverbial poop while we watch the rain come in. I’m definitely not asexual! I try to count how many films we’ve covered so far and I literally don’t know. Let’s just say that it’s not the projected 25 titles. Woops! It got nice and cool out when it rained, then it went back to being hot again. Time to get back to the Elvis creature.
6:52PM – KISSIN’ COUSINS (1964)
The military wants to put a missile base on Big Smoky Mountain. Since Admiral Josh Morgan (Elvis) comes from hillbilly country, they want him to negotiate with the Tatums, some stubborn mountain folk, for the deed to the area. The likelihood of tomfoolery and hijinks is very high. Hold on! There’s two Elvises in this one!? Or is that Elvi? Jody Tatum is Josh’s cousin and he’s blond. This is ridiculous! I’ve never seen the great Elvis Presley in something as silly as this before! I hope these two cousins start kissing soon. Yep, two Elvis Presleys kissing. Talk about your special effects!
Arthur O’Connell and Jack Albertson are both in this one! WTF? Are they cousins? Did they kiss? LeEtta and Nafa say that they’ve both seen this film before but wow yeah, it’s new to me. The female cousins are hot! Jody looks like he stole a wig from William Shatner. The negotiation scene with the Tatums and the military is turning my hair gray. Kissin’ Cousins is the most sexually charged film in this moviethon. Even for Elvis, this is a weird one. I’m not sure where I end and this movie begins. Nafa and I agree that this is a prequel to Rambo.
8:39PM – GIRL HAPPY (1965)
I’m calling it. This is the last film. It’s my favorite Elvis film of all time so we might as well go out with a bang. I wouldn’t call this my most successful moviethon. Much like Elvis Presley’s film career, it was equal parts wildly fun and fucking terrible. Elvis plays Rusty Wells, a musician in Chicago. He and his band travel to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida to keep an eye on their boss’s daughter. Their boss is Big Frank (Harold J. Stone) who’s a professional sexist. His daughter is an enchanting “nerd” named Valerie (Shelley Fabares once again). Of course, she’s actually super cute so Rusty and his band of goofballs will have to earn their money.
I really want to check into the Sea Drift Motel. This is the greatest film ever made. All of the fake sets, rear projection, and kooky idiocy of Hollywood corniness that we need is right here. Pair this with Spinout and you’ll never need to see another Elvis movie again. I must say that Brentwood Von Durgenfeld AKA BVD is an MVP. Rusty’s pals aren’t a big help when it comes to being helpful. Their idea of keeping Valerie distracted from her Italian stud suitor is to chase after wild chicks in padded 60s bikinis. Nothing spells “beach time fun” like Elvis refusing to take his windbreaker off. You need to see this.