Reviews

Killer Nun

killernun

Killer Nun (1979)

After her recent brain surgery, Sister Gertrude (Anita Ekberg) is having some trouble readjusting to her life as a nun serving in a geriatric hospital. It seems that the surgery has left her with terrible headaches, a wicked addiction to morphine, and a propensity for casual sexual encounters in the city. When patients start turning up dead and Sister Gertrude’s behavior becomes even more erratic, the staff and surviving patients begin to suspect the worst. With only the unrequited love of Sister Mathieu (Paola Morra) to protect her from herself, Sister Gertrude’s life begins to spin completely out of control. But is she really capable of murder?

Hey there, Sister Gertrude! Why do all the boys pass you by? Is it because you’re a track mark-laden nymphomaniacal Killer Nun!?! What the damn hell did I just watch? As entertaining (for me) as it is mystifying (for everyone else), it’s not surprising that this film has had a hell of a time finding an audience that can appreciate its… um… specialness. Truly a love-hate experience, Killer Nun comes from co-writer/director Giulio Berruti (editor of Corrado Farina’s Baba Yaga) who never directed another feature film. Go figure.

The plot is a coin toss of scenes thrown together with an ultra-thin mystery going on in the background. That’s not to say that Killer Nun isn’t smarter than it looks. Not when there is some seriously twisted religious imagery mixed into all that sweet exploitation to be found here. Killer Nun has a thoroughly strange film score comes from Alessandro Alessandroni, composer for films such as The Devil’s Nightmare and Any Gun Can Play.

Anita Ekberg (Death Knocks Twice, French Sex Murders) friggin’ rocks as Sister Gertrude, a woman torn between her religious conviction, her morphine habit, and her insatiable sexual desires. A highlight in Killer Nun is the dizzyingly hot Paola Morra as Sister Mathieu. I may never, ever stop drooling. The excellent Massimo Serato (Autopsy, The Bloodstained Shadow) doesn’t get nearly enough to do here as Dr. Poirret, a man whose career is going completely to pot as the hospital seems to be self-destructing around him. And yes, that’s Joe Dallesandro of Blood For Dracula in one of his greatest appearances due to fact that he’s been dubbed by another actor! Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Alida Galli (Suspiria, Lisa and the Devil) as Mother Superior, who is more annoyed than concerned with Sister Gertrude’s problems.

Killer Nun is a cursed beast trapped somewhere between giallo and nunsploitation and will likely annoy fans of both. The film’s positives barely outweigh its negatives; yet, in some strange way, Killer Nun thoroughly entertained me. Although bloodshed is relatively low, the brutality of the murders is impressive and the seediness of the sex scenes will ultimately impress the rogues’ gallery. Not to mention the bizarre moments of cruelty such as kicking a crippled man to death and stomping an old woman’s dentures to pieces in front of her. Good times! Folks who dig blasphemous Italian garbage should check this one out but please, whatever you do, don’t expect a Eurotrash classic.

“I need more… Morphine!”

Bad Girls from Mars

badgirlsfrommars

Bad Girls from Mars (1990)

Bad Girls from Mars is marketed as a sci-fi T&A spoof but in reality, it’s about the making of a sci-fi T&A spoof. A film crew making the titular (emphasis on the ‘tit’) film is beset with problems as each of their leading ladies dies under mysterious circumstances. TJ the director (played by Oliver Darrow) is at his wits’ end trying to get the production under control and it isn’t helped at all by the slimy producers and its awful leading man Richard Trent (John Richardson). Trent’s girlfriend and wardrobe girl, Myra (Brinke Stevens), offers to fill the role but the producers have someone else in mind already: Emanuelle Fortes (Edy Williams), ditzy blonde bombshell and queen of sex. Now the killer is after Emanuelle and is quite happy to leave a trail of corpses along the way to his prize.

Once I realized that this movie wasn’t a spoof but a spoof of a spoof, I kind of settled down a little bit. In fact, for the first 10 or 15 minutes, I was ready to bail on Bad Girls from Mars. Then Brinke Stevens shows up and I realized why I was there in the first place. Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), the American maestro of cheese, directs this kooky flick which references Ed Wood (repeatedly) and spoofs The Happy Hooker. Filled with continuity errors (intentional, I think), goofy sound effects, knee-slapping one liners, and insanely gratuitous nudity, Bad Girls from Mars is pretty darn entertaining.

Edy Williams (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) is pretty outrageous here as sex goddess Emanuelle. She looks a little worn out but her overdone breathiness just works. The best bit comes when Emanuelle goes to a convenience store to ask for help after she narrowly escapes the killer. She doesn’t notice that the place is in the middle of a stickup; hilarious hijinks ensue. Oliver Darrow (Teenage Exorcist) makes for a likeable guy who has that annoying problem of women throwing themselves at him. Aw, poor guy. And of course, we have Brinke Stevens of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Haunting Fear as Myra, the plucky wardrobe girl. One of the film’s strangest asides happens when, while the crew is filming a scene for the sci-fi movie, the camera suddenly pans to the left and we see Brinke in some lingerie smiling like a cat and cracking a whip. Then the camera pans back to the scene at hand. It’s weird, it’s pointless, and it’s genius.

Bad Girls from Mars definitely surprised me. I was expecting one thing that would not have been as good as what this turned out to be. Wait, what was that? If you don’t like corny jokes and a parade of silicone then stay far away from this flick. I went from thinking I would turn this off after 5 minutes to catching myself laughing out loud at some real zingers. If nothing else stick around for the climax when the heroes are only seconds away from rescuing the damsel in distress but decide to stop for burgers and pizza. It’s good for a larf, let me tells ya.

SPOILERS (and some trivia)

According to IMDB, Bad Girls from Mars was shot in 5 days. Hmm, I could see that. The site also says that Fred Olen Ray had to cut 8 minutes of material before the film could be released including a kiss between Brinke Stevens and Edy Williams. Hmm, moderately interesting. Okay, onto the spoiler stuff. So it turns out that Brinke Stevens is the killer. I was going to accuse this movie of not having enough Brinke in my review but then she gets a great speech at the end about her motives for killing people and chasing after Emanuelle. Next thing you know, she has a grenade in her mouth and all’s well that ends well.

“There’s no room on Mars for limp dicks!”

Dark Romances

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Dark Romances I & II (1990)

This horror anthology has seven separate stories. In “The Black Veil”, Meg (Elizabeth Morehead) visits her college friend, Justine (Julie Carlson), to try and rescue her from the unsavory life she is leading in the Grand Guignol theatre. Little does Meg know, that Justine is in more trouble than even she realizes. In “Listen To Midnight” photographer Tod’s (Ron Roleck) questionable lifestyle finally catches up with him when he brings home the wrong woman.

“She’s Bad, She’s Blonde, She’s Lunch” is the story of a criminal couple who have a fateful meeting with a mad scientist (Fox Harris) and his creation. In “Cardinal Sin” a young man’s desires clash with his mother’s overbearing religious beliefs with deadly results. “Pet Shop Of Death” is the tale of Sam (Mark Addy), a man who will go to great lengths to get his dominating wife (Katina Garner) off his back in order to win the affections of his sexy neighbor. In “Last Love” a woman attempts to bring her dead lover back to life. The last story, “What Goes Around…” tells of a washed up artist (Jeff Maxwell) whose inspiration is renewed when he gets involved with a mysterious woman named Diana (Brinke Stevens). Unfortunately, she wants to destroy him in order to bring him success.

Surprise. Bewilderment. Awe. Ouch. These are just a few of the things I’m experiencing while walking away from a back to back Dark Romances marathon. Garage gore, sub-ironic product placement, arthouse aspirations, every paltry video effect known to man, ineluctable late 80s cheese, dialogue like broken glass, schlocky acting, Brinke Stevens (Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama), and much, much more await you here in this very dense and oddly hypnotic shot-on-video horror anthology.

While I’m impressed by the ambitious storyline and setting of “The Black Veil”, sitting through it is another matter entirely. An intentional (I hope) soft focus haze persists throughout the running time of this (overlong) section but some excessive gore makes up for a lot of this. Up next is one of my favorite pieces from the anthology called “Talk To Midnight” which features Ron Roleck as Tod, the sleazy photographer with enough neo-noir moxie to peel the paint off a Maserati. Tod finally meets his match in Ginger (played by Anita Coleito), a voluptuous vamp sweet enough to give me cavities. Cavities of death!

On tape 2, the second best of the best comes tearing across the screen with a vengeance: “She’s Bad, She’s Blonde, She’s Lunch”. A neat little disclaimer warns the viewer of impending doom but even that didn’t prepare me for the sheer delight I was in store for. Ruth Waytz and Ron Kologie go on a murderous rampage in a comic book store and the next thing I know, Fox Harris (Repo Man, Dr. Caligari) is making me feel alive again. Then this green and naked monster shows up and the movie erupts with some fugly vaginal and phallic symbols. Simply joyous.

I’ve had enough already and yet tape 2 keeps running. “Cardinal Sin” is loaded with repressed sexual urges, blood, and pornstar Elle Rio steaming things up. The next installment, “Pet Shop Of Death” is an indie horror near-masterpiece with much demented fun to be had. “Last Love” is somewhat weak and really not welcome at this point in the game. Thankfully, the black and white finale, “What Goes Around…”, is just ridiculous enough to finish things off. Besides, it stars Brinke Stevens as the collector of artists’ parts (I mean, souls) and the trippy sci-fi nonsense angle adds some spice to this one quite nicely.

And we’re done. I’m jittery, bloated, but not irritable. Despite some weak moments, Dark Romances is one hell of a trashy fun time. The it’s-so-80s-it-hurts vibe only makes the 3 hour ride all the more endearing. The gore and nudity run rampant in some sections while other “artier(!?!)” stories in the anthology are somewhat tame. Even the clunkier sections (“The Black Veil” and “Last Love”) have their own style and don’t require any fast-forwarding. Brinke Stevens keeps popping up in all the stories so yeah, stay tuned! Both volumes of Dark Romances are clearly a labor of love for those involved and it’s a shame that this title remains somewhat obscure. I’m going to go and stare at some neon lights now and eat some frozen yogurt.

To Sleep with a Vampire

tosleepwithavampire

To Sleep with a Vampire (1993)

A vampire named Jacob (Scott Valentine) approaches a stripper named Nina (Charlie Spradling) but not merely to drink her blood. Jacob has lived for so many years without the sun that he needs Nina to describe it to him. Nina agrees but only because Jacob plans to suck her dry before dawn and she needs to stall for time. In a desperate attempt at survival, Nina tries reasoning with the vampire and even tries to seduce him. As the night comes to a close the pair discovers more and more about each other. Could this be more than just Jacob’s need for blood and more than Nina’s drive to live through the night? Could this be love? Googy?

Erotic thriller my ass! Director Adam Friedman took some time off from directing Playboy specials to fart out this unintentionally comical vampire flick. The plot moves along awkwardly and maligns the viewer by keeping the two leads in one room long enough for some “deep” conversation about vampires. And then there’s the script… Holy living ass, this is some of the funniest and most quotable garbage I’ve ever heard. Not to mention that our actors deliver this tripe with utmost sincerity.

An important revelation from the script is that apparently strippers aren’t trying to sincerely seduce the men they’re dancing for. You’re blowing my mind, duder! From the cheap sound to the even cheaper special effects to the minimal locations, To Sleep With A Vampire is some half-assed nonsense. At least the cinematographer got to have some fun by sneaking in some interesting camera tricks here and there.

They say it takes two to tango or rather; it takes two to ruin a movie. Charlie Spradling and Scott Valentine have all the chemistry of a broken Rock’em Sock’em Robots game. Spradling (Meridian) must have graduated from the Shannen Doherty School of Scowl-Acting and Valentine (My Demon Lover), well, I don’t know where the damn hell they found this guy. While his Jacob character is busy shattering many of the myths that surround vampires, Valentine himself is shattering many viewers’ preconceived ideas about the immortal creatures as well. Vampires that are cool, dark, mysterious, and sexy are miles away from this picture. You won’t find a dorkier or more spastic vampire than Jacob with his contortionist facial expressions and knack for pushing the boundaries of scenery chewing. Oh God, he looks like a mouth-breather! And that tiger print Speedo?!?

To Sleep With A Vampire is a comedy. Don’t let IMDB fool you with words such as “Drama”, “Horror”, “Romance”, or “Thriller”. No, no! These are all lies. The only real drama comes from my sincere pity for Nina who has to spend the night talking (and much more!) with the lamest vampire in film history. Once you have tasted the forbidden fruit of Jacob and Nina’s doomed night together, you will forever be altered. Part of you will be screaming maniacally at your television and the rest will be trying to climb the walls. Oh yeah, Charlie Spradling gets naked. There you go. Exquisitely painful. Enjoy.

“What does it feel like to have a friend?”

 

Zeder

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Zeder AKA Revenge of the Dead (1983)

After receiving a used typewriter for an anniversary present, Stefano (Gabriele Lavia) discovers a bizarre treatise on raising the dead imprinted on the ribbon. He convinces his wife, Alessandra (Anne Canovas), and his best friend, Guido (Alessandro Partexano), to aid him in his search for the “K Zones”, areas where the dead return to life. Meanwhile, a group of scientists are conducting their own research in this phenomenon with deadly results. As Stefano gets closer to finding the truth, he uncovers a conspiracy which someone is willing to kill in order to keep hidden.

Pupi Avati (The House with the Laughing Windows) directs this superb and very odd little horror film. The eccentricities of Zeder come mainly from how the film never really moves when and in what direction you expect it to. Even the brilliant (though wholly bizarre) soundtrack by Riz Ortolani (Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye) defies expectations by laying out a Goblin-like bass riff that gives way to a seriously maladjusted string arrangement.

The plot gets shaky as the scenes with the scientists don’t quite gel with those of Stefano. I think the problem lies in the amount of mystery surrounding their research. I’m glad the film doesn’t go too far explaining every little detail but I’m just left wanting more. I like it when movies do that.

Gabriele Lavia (Deep Red, Beyond the Door) plays Stefano, another one of Avati’s damned heroes (see Laughing Windows), perfectly. It is amazing to watch Lavia as Stefano, this obsessive character who becomes intrigued by a mystery only to be totally consumed by it. Another doomed individual is Dr. Goodman, played by Paola Tanziani, whose contact with the undead left her physically and emotionally scarred. I really dig this actress and it astounds me that didn’t make anymore films after this one.

Wow, Zeder has slowly crawled its way into my top ten favorite Italian horror films of all time. I rented this film under the misleading Revenge of the Dead title at my local video store when I was a kid and it really didn’t sit well with me. Aside from disappointment of the zombie onslaught the VHS cover art promised, I was genuinely creeped out by this one. Zeder managed to stay with me years after watching it. The idea that death is a patient creature willing to let you sprint ahead only to catch you the moment you collapse combined with its amusement at humankind’s futile attempts to escape the inevitable is some dang creepy shit.

What we’ve got here is Zeder, an atypical zombie film. Sure, there’s a couple of undead creatures wreaking havoc in Bologna but don’t expect any brain-eating, flesh-eating, or gunshots to the head. Like I said before, this film does not behave in a normal horror movie manner but that is exactly what makes it so awesome. Patient viewers will be rewarded with a sense of dread that only the Italians know how to deliver. Nice job, Pupi.

Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas

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Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas (2009)

All is not well in the seemingly idyllic town of Manchvegas. A knife-wielding murderer has been stalking its lovely ladies and there are monsters -gospercaps, actually- all over the woods. But fear not for M.O.S. is on the case. That’s the Manchvegas Outlaw Society, in case you didn’t know, and their leader is Marshall (Matt Farley), a plucky young man with the gumption to get the town back on its feet again. With him as always is Jenny (Marie Dellicker) and All-Star Pete (Tom Scalzo). But solving crimes and fighting monsters is not all that M.O.S. has on its plate. When Jenny’s burgeoning feelings for Marshall go unrequited, she starts going on dates with some of the eligible men of Manchvegas. Marshall and All-Star Pete go about sabotaging her good times with some wild pranks.

The creators of Freaky Farley, my favorite indie horror film of 2007 (possibly my favorite of the millennium), are back with Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas. Once again, director/co-writer Charles Roxburgh, co-writer/actor Matt Farley, and their dedicated crew drop the viewer headfirst into a delightfully strange and freakishly innocent world. The obvious care put into every line of dialogue in this movie really shows as this film behaves the way it wants to behave, not in the way you think it should. The intersecting love stories are convoluted yet undeniably sweet and essential to moving the plot along.

A key factor to this film’s success is due to the fact that Roxburgh filmed this movie with actual film! MMMManchvegas is lovingly shot on 16mm with excellent attention to color and detail. Of course, the writing is immensely important to what makes these guys’ movies so special. Even the songs by Moes Haven scattered throughout the film are custom made to keep the audience hip to what’s going on. My favorite of these catchy tunes is “Basketball Fun”.

The cast is ready, willing and able to bring this weird film to life. Matt Farley is great as the single-minded Marshall. He won’t let anything stand in the way of M.O.S., even if it means denying his feelings for Jenny. And speaking of Jenny, Marie Dellicker practically steals the show with her fine portrayal of a girl who wants to grow up just a little bit but knows that it might mean losing her best friends. Some familiar faces from Freaky Farley pop up when another love story blooms in Manchvegas. The irrepressibly plucky Sharon Scalzo plays Melinda, a young woman in love with the easy going and somewhat clueless Vince (played by Kyle Kochan), even though her overbearing father (Kevin McGee) doesn’t approve.

Though it has monsters and a couple of dead bodies, Monsters, Marriage and Murder in Manchvegas is not a horror film. And don’t expect an ounce of gore from this one as the film is practically bloodless and hell, there isn’t a scare to be found. This whole offbeat cinema production revels in its gloriously cheesy vibe and driest of dry senses of humor while remaining very, very watchable throughout. I can’t stress enough how badly I want to live in their alternate universe. Finally, I know where “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”

“Gosh dang, it’s monster central, man!”

Visit the Shockmarathons site for more.

Freaky Farley

freakyfarley

Freaky Farley (2007)

Ever since the death of his mother, “Freaky” Farley Wilder (Matt Farley) has been constantly punished and repressed by his father, radio personality Rick Wilder (Kevin McGee). The small amounts of time that Farley can sneak away, he spends spying on girls and tubing on the river. This all changes when he meets and falls in love with Scarlett Carter (Sharon Scalzo), a young lady with ambitions to write a novel about the bizarre characters in their town. When his father forbids Farley from seeing Scarlett and reveals a terrible family secret, Farley goes on a bloody rampage. Now, locked in an insane asylum and recounting his life story to a psychologist, Farley reveals that there is something even more monstrous behind his killing spree.

It’s extremely rare that I feel the need to return to a film within 24 hours of my first viewing. Yet somehow, the first thing I did the morning after I watched Freaky Farley, was watch it all over again. Independent horror films rarely get to me like this. The guys behind the Shockmarathons books have created a film influenced by the 70s and 80s VHS horrors they endured during their movie marathons. Yet this is not a wannabe demonic possession rip-off, or a slasher clone (though it fools you in thinking it is in the beginning), or even another dull zombie flesh-munching festival. No, this is something very, very different.

The combination of 16mm film, kitschy organ soundtrack, and the gorgeous New Hampshire (in autumn) locations, is a perfect concoction for grabbing and holding my attention. So the corny script with banal dialogue and silly characters should have instantly put me off, right? Not with delivery like this. The lead actors in this film take eccentric and quirky to a new level. Everyone in this film is either as stiff as a board or going so over the top that it is breathtaking.

Matt Farley practically steals the show as “Freaky” Farley with his bizarre sincerity, nervous energy, and odd intonation. It is impossible not to find humor in his delivery. The post-dubbing of his voice also adds an otherworldly quality to his performance. His role is complimented by the other oddballs around him. Sharon Scalzo is vivacious, endearing, and quite entertaining as Scarlett, the girl who steals “Freaky” Farley’s heart. I also really like Katie Reidy as Katie, the annoying “girl next door” who Rick, Farley’s father, is always trying to set him up with. The rest of the cast is even more awkward and strange but they all seem to fit in perfectly.

Shortly after the hour mark, Freaky Farley goes bat-shit crazy as the deadpan humor is abandoned for an even zanier tone. I was hoping the film would stay in a comfortable place forever but it does veer off into some wacky business. Yet, it didn’t lose me along the way. The grand surprise (which I won’t ruin here) is that the rules the film establishes are thrown away and things get even stranger. Thankfully there’s no winking at the camera or subterfuge of any kind. Freaky Farley never lies.

Freaky Farley is a sincere masterpiece of low budget eclecticism which resists the crassness which most horror comedies suffer from and the Kevin Smith-isms that so many indie films rely on. This isn’t the horror movie version of Clerks in Morgantown, New Hampshire. Freaky Farley takes its cue from the low budget horror pioneers of the 70s and 80s yet somehow stays innocent and barely even hints at their exploitative tendencies. I can’t wait to see what this crew does next.

“Heh, silly ninja.”

Visit the Motern Media for more info.

Viva

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Viva (2007)

Barbi (Anna Biller) has everything that the typical suburban housewife could ever want. She has great friends, sexy Sheila (Bridget Brno) and swingin’ Mark (Jared Sanford), and a manly husband, Rick (Chad England). But this is 1972 and the sexual revolution is calling. With their marriages on the rocks, Barbi and Sheila become call girls in order to find themselves. Renaming herself Viva, Barbi’s journey leads her into a decadent world of sex and drugs. Jumping from one strange bedfellow to the next, Barbi finds that the pursuit of pleasure may be even more complicated than she ever realized.

Viva comes bounding into our world like an errant transmission from a campy and kitschy parallel universe where 1972 never ended. Writer, director, and star Anna Biller loads her subversive and surreal film into a happy shotgun and shoots it point blank into our smiling, slack-jawed faces. This lavish indie production has excellent camerawork, eye-popping set designs, fantastic costumes, and a sickly sweet lounge soundtrack.

The cast of Viva keeps things nice and artificial. This gang delivers the raunchy soap opera dialogue like it was going out of style and handle the inexplicable situations and ferocious stereotypes with ease. Special awards go out to all for keeping straight faces delivering such insane dialogue (and a few extra stars for keeping it together during the riotously ridiculous hippy nudist camp sequence). I refuse to play favorites here because everyone is so totally committed to making this bizarre world work that I could go on forever.

Ah 1972, when men were men and women were their doormats. Biller’s delirious version of the sexual revolution is delightfully ironic. Taking cues from Playboy and other men’s magazines of the age, the world of Viva is a fever dream of a bygone era that never really existed. With commercials for liquor and tobacco written into the script, it’s a trash mag (equal parts hilarious and disturbing) come to life!

Imagine Beyond the Valley of the Dolls soaked in kerosene and set afire with a flame thrower and you might have an idea of what Viva is like. Saturated with sex and nudity, this delirious film even has musical numbers and a trippy animated sequence that would have been right at home in a sleazy softcore romp from the early 70s. With a dedicated cast and a director with an unshakeable grasp on her vision, I can’t help but wholeheartedly recommend Viva to anyone with a taste for excessive camp or even just a perverse sense of humor.

“You’re not just dirty, Barbi, you’re abnormal!”

Jack Be Nimble

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Jack Be Nimble (1993)

Abandoned by their parents as children, Dora and Jack are put up for adoption. Dora (Sarah Smuts-Kennedy) goes to an upper class couple full of love for their new daughter and grows up stably yet unhappy. Jack (Alexis Arquette) is taken in by a couple of abusive country bumpkins with four evil daughters and he is constantly tormented. Both of their lives become unbearable when Dora is pushed off a cliff but a bully at school and Jack is whipped with barbed wire (!) by his adopted father.

When Dora wakes from a short coma, she discovers that she has developed psychic powers and her connection to Jack is even stronger than ever. With the help of her lover and fellow clairvoyant Teddy (Bruno Lawrence), Dora finds Jack but all is not well. In his spare time, Jack builds a machine that hypnotizes people which he uses to get his evil parents to kill themselves. The brother and sister track down their real parents to find out why they were sent to the orphanage. But this ain’t no episode of “The Locator” especially since Jack is now violently psychotic and his four evil sisters are hot on he and Dora’s trail.

Is it okay to be afraid of New Zealanders? The answer is yes. Once again I underestimated a flick from that distant and wonderful place and once again I was totally blown away. Director Garth Maxwell creates a dark and feverish fairy tale world where everyone is completely insane. Jack Be Nimble is both dreamy and nightmarish with exquisitely fluid camerawork and moments of surreal and bloody glory. My only complaint about the film is that the melodrama overtakes the story in some scenes and it gets a little embarrassing to watch as the actors scream and cry at each other.

The always reliable Bruno Lawrence (The Quiet Earth, Death Warmed Up) is in the cast and is very good as Teddy, Dora’s lover (and overly smug psychic) who probably shouldn’t have lent her his car. Alexis Arquette (Bride of Chucky) is awesome as Jack, the brooding, sexy (ooh, someone’s got a man-crush (on someone who used to be a man)) and frightening son of a bitch who has been pushed too close to the edge and can never come back. I really like Sarah Smuts-Kennedy. This odd actress puts everything into her performance of a woman haunted by her past and (as an added bonus) the voices of the dead and I couldn’t help but be fascinated.

While not a perfect film, Jack Be Nimble is a truly original and hypnotic masterpiece of New Zealand horror cinema and is easily one of the strangest films I’ve ever seen. Every character is suffering in his or her own way and either pain or death (or both) is always just around the corner. This film also contains that indescribably Kiwi thing. It’s an aura of quirky madness and total unpredictability even when you’re pretty sure you think you know what’s coming next.

“Do you hear me? You know me. I’m in your head. Drifting in the same sea, you and I, drowning together.”

Crypt of the Vampire

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Crypt of the Vampire (1964)

Young women are being drained of their blood and all signs point to the Karnstein family. Count Ludwig Karnstein (Christopher Lee) enlists the help of historian Friedrich Klauss (José Campos) to explore his lineage. Klauss finds out that one of Ludwig’s ancestors was executed for witchcraft but not before she placed a curse on the family line. Ludwig’s daughter Laura (Adriana Ambesi) believes that she is possessed by the witch and is developing a taste for the red stuff.

Annette (Véra Valmont), the count’s mistress, knows that something is wrong with Laura. She is also suspicious of Laura’s new friend, Annette (Ursula Davis), who arrived under mysterious circumstances and has been at Laura’s side ever since. The family’s maid, Rowena (Nela Conjiu), thinks she’s helping the Karnstein clan with her black magic rituals but people keep dying despite her appeals to the dark lord.

Camillo Mastrocinque (who directed Barbara Steele in An Angel for Satan) delivers an effective and enjoyable though not entirely original gothic horror film. The convoluted story from prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi (The Whip and the Body) has its chilling moments and takes inspiration from the classic horror story Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. The dialogue is predictable and hampered by the awkward dubbing. There is also some totally unnecessary narration which is abandoned very quickly (thanks). What Crypt of the Vampire does have going for it is good pacing and superbly eerie sets and locations.

Christopher Lee (who thankfully dubbed his own voice) is quite good in Crypt but that’s no surprise as the man rarely disappoints. I really, really liked Adriana Ambesi as Laura whose flimsy nightgown threatens to explode throughout the nighttime scenes. Her dumbass black magic schemes led by her scary maid are pretty amusing. How about next time we DON’T invoke the spirit of a witch to possess anyone, okay?

Véra Valmont, who plays Count Ludwig’s lover Annette, is very arresting. She goes all out with the terror faces and I wish that she had done more horror movies. José Campos is a little bland as Friedrich, the heroic (?) genealogist. Luckily, Lee is around to keep the appropriate levels of badass dude in a smoking jacket right where they need to be.

With its cheesy Sunday afternoon horror thrills (and some wild-eyed and voluptuous ladies), Crypt of the Vampire is a whole lot of fun. There’s melodrama, mysterious manuscripts, and some gruesome business involving the severed hand of a hunchbacked beggar. This would make a terrific double feature with either Alberto De Martino’s The Blancheville Monster or the sleepy Barbara Steele vehicle: Terror Creatures from the Grave.

“I must kill you. That was my promise. I must kill you.”