Reviews

Evil Cat

evilcat

Evil Cat (1987)

A construction crew unwittingly frees an evil cat spirit when they move an ancient stone tablet. Master Cheung (Lau Kar-Leung), the descendant of the mystics sworn to fight the cat, shows up to try and destroy his enemy once and for all. Things look bad as the cat spirit invades the bodies of unsuspecting people, gives them supernatural strength, and then uses them for evil until it casts off their bodies in an explosive spray of body parts. Cheung enlists the help of loser limo driver Ah Long (Mark Cheng), whose boss was possessed and destroyed by the cat spirit, to help him put an end to the evil feline.

This is just what I needed! While it is far from a groundbreaking film or an essential Hong Kong genre classic, Evil Cat is perfect for shaking out the cobwebs. From director Dennis Yu (Beasts, The Imp) comes this wild and fun blend of supernatural horror, slapstick comedy, kung fu, and explosive action. Oh man, some of those stunts looked pretty painful. And yes, this flawed beast also comes loaded with goofy special effects, ridiculous makeup, shrill female characters, stupid cops (and security guards), tame sex scenes (it’s only a Category II after all), ideas lifted from a dozen other films, and a wicked cheesy synthesizer score.

The lunacy of Evil Cat works thanks to some great performers. Lau Kar-Leung is excellent as Master Cheung, a man who has waited fifty years for his chance to prove himself against a supernatural foe. Mark Cheng (Peking Opera Blues) is perfectly cast as Ah Long, limo driver, wannabe playboy, and reluctant hero. And the very silly Jing Wong (Tricky Brains) is awesome as the main source of comic relief: Inspector “Handsome” Wu. Not much can be said for actress Lai-Ying Tang who plays Master Cheung’s daughter. She brings a bland performance to an even blander character.

Folks looking for some really weird and energetic entertainment will dig on Evil Cat. Don’t expect a life-changing experience, just enjoy the ride. The bloody rampage in the police station, the pursuit through some labyrinthine tunnels, and the surprisingly downbeat ending are all highlights of this eccentric flick. Watching this film with Ngai Kai Lam’s The Cat, an even more insane horror-action-sci-fi-whatever film, would make one hell of an amazing double feature.

“No lady will like you. Go back to your working place.”

Embalming

embalming

Embalming (1999)

Reiko Takashima plays Miyako Murakami, an embalmer who discovers a needle in the eye socket of the corpse of a young man named Yoshiki, the son of a prominent official, believed to be a suicide. The same day, Miyako is threatened by a religious crackpot named Chief Jion (Kojiro Hongo) because he believes that embalming is a sin. While she is away at this meeting, thieves using knockout gas steal Yoshiki’s head from his body from the hospital in broad daylight.

Her suspicions raised, Miyako shows the needle to Detective Hiraoka (Yutaka Matsushige) who is now convinced that there is more to the case than simply suicide. One of the key suspects is Dr. Fuji (Toshio Shiba), a once-prominent surgeon who now works in the black market organ trade. Soon, clues point to the Yoshiki’s girlfriend, Rika (Hitomi Miwa), as the one who not only stole the head but also has an even more awful secret to hide. As Miyako and Hiraoka dig deeper into the details of the case and the number of suspects grows, they enter a situation even more dangerous than they could have imagined.

Shinji Aoyama masterfully directs this enthralling and complicated film. EM – Embalming evokes a cold and clinical theme with its emotionally detached characters, brooding music, and nonchalant presentation of an embalmer’s trade. The camera never shies away from the gruesome tasks of Miyako or Dr. Fuji and the effects are well done.

The acting in the film is top notch. Reiko Takashima is a fine actress, able to portray a character confronted with death on a daily basis but still vulnerable to uncovering her past. Veteran actor Kojiro Hongo (Wrath Of Daimajin, Destroy All Planets) puts in an unsettling performance as the hypocritical and Jim Jones wannabe, Chief Jion. The scene-stealing award goes to Yutaka Matsushige (Ringu, One Missed Call) whose sniffling and wisecracking Detective Hiraoka adds some much needed noir-inspired characterization to the ensemble. The part of Rika is played by Hitomi Miwa (Ju-on, Crazy Lips) and is no easy task given the complexity of the character. The cast is rounded off by a dual role from Masatoshi Matsuo (Tomie: Replay, Kaïro).

The outrageous plot contains layers of storyline, numerous flashbacks, and even doubling of certain characters to keep the audience on their toes. The mystery of EM – Embalming may be confusing the first time around but not unpleasantly. This is a wholly satisfying film and is rewarding with each viewing so picking up those missed details doesn’t feel like a chore. This is a challenging film but one that delivers with its grotesque embalming scenes and moments of extreme violence. Gorehounds will be richly rewarded by these sequences but this film has so much more to offer. The grim tone is effectively contagious and will stick with the viewer long after the film is over.

Eccentric characters, a haunting soundtrack, and clever cinematography also serve to make EM – Embalming an unforgettable film experience. It’s plotting is over the top but is braced with rich imagery and impeccable performances from the cast. Although director Shinji Aoyama has been at work for many years, this film is a sign that he has much more to offer Japanese film fanatics in the future.

 

Sex of the Witch

sexofthewitch

Sex of the Witch (1973)

The Hilton family has just lost its patriarch and now the kids are fighting over the big inheritance. Someone has taken the initiative to kill the family off so that their chunk of the cash is bigger than everyone else’s. By using a set of Javanese fingernail covers (?), the killer has managed to harness the power to hypnotize people or something like that.

Why am I being punished? Oh yeah, I actually went looking for this junk. Just by the title alone, I knew that I was going to get screwed by Sex of the Witch (AKA Il sesso della strega) but I didn’t know just how screwed. The film is a supernatural giallo with a weak inheritance scheme disguised as a plot. Daniele Patucchi’s musical score is pretty with its warbling piano pieces and the castle scenery is nice. Unfortunately, there are very few locations, mostly dull lighting and only occasionally inspired cinematography; so the film gets very dull to look at very quickly. At a hippie party/concert, some colored filters are used to liven things up but the scene is so useless, it’s a wasted effort.

The cast is populated by some lovely ladies including Camille Keaton (Tragic Ceremony) and Marzia Damon (Evil Face), but the characters are so indistinct that it’s impossible to care about them or keep track of what’s going on. It almost seems as if there is footage missing or scenes are out of order. Sex of the Witch is just incompetent filmmaking at its most irritating but some very, very desperate viewers might get a kick out of some this flick’s sleazy weirdness.

Ugh, this supernatural giallo is exactly the trashy Eurotrash softcore crapfest that I thought it was going to be but just less interesting. Sure there are hilarious internal monologues, some bouts of pseudoscience and a dog named Twinky but this is just a mess. I’d call the film mildly diverting but that might be too generous. Sex of the Witch is just a baffling murder mystery with lots of sex and a little violence that is impossible to figure out, even if one wanted to. And trust me, no one is gonna want to. For an even more confusing yet actually entertaining giallo, check out In the Folds of the Flesh.

“If you read our entire family history, you’d arrest us all!”

The Shiver of the Vampires

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The Shiver of the Vampires (1971)

Newlyweds Antoine and Isle (Jean-Marie Durand and Sandra Julien) make their way to Isle’s cousins’ castle for a quick visit before continuing on their honeymoon in Italy. They discover from the townsfolk that her cousins have recently died and only their servants remain in the castle. When they arrive, Isle is seduced by Isolde the vampire (Dominique) while Antoine uncovers the fact that Isle’s cousins aren’t dead but are actually quite undead. In order to save his young wife, Antoine tries to flee with Isle but it may already be too late.

Jean Rollin’s fourth vampire film, The Shiver of the Vampires, is one hell of a blend of the arthouse with the grindhouse. The perfect gothic scenery and brazen lighting are matching only by the beauty of the actresses involved. I couldn’t help but be blown away by the lush and fluid cinematography. The man responsible, Jean-Jacques Renon, also provided the excellent cinematography on The Demoniacs. Fans of 70s films will no doubt be impressed by the soundtrack performed by progressive rock band, Acanthus. While other Rollin soundtracks are much moodier and eerie, Acanthus just rocks out through much of the film but they know when to deliver the softer, moodier moments.

Who the hell came up with Isolde’s (Dominique) three grand entrances and deadly boob spikes? A genius, that’s who. The wildly sexy Sandra Julien is mesmerizing in her role as the object of the vampires’ desire, Isle. In fact, the scene where Isolde seduces her is deliriously hot. From hot to hilarious, actors Michel Delahaye and Jacques Robiolles are extremely amusing as Isle’s cousins, the two pretentious ex-vampire hunters. They deliver what are essentially monologues split up between the two of them with great timing and even take bows when their performance is over.

Although it doesn’t make my list of favorite Rollin films (Grapes of Death, The Living Dead Girl, or The Demoniacs), Shiver of the Vampires is still a fascinating and enjoyable film. The film is pretty slow-moving so be prepared for that but it gets better with repeat viewing. Luckily, like much of the director’s other works, this film is visually stunning and the characters are completely off the wall. Horror fans unfamiliar with Rollin should prepare for surrealism, a dreamlike delivery, and a minimal amount of bloodshed. Clips of Shiver can be found on When Eurotrash Attacks Volume 1.

Skeleton Man

skeletonman

Skeleton Man (2004)

A hooded skeletal creature is killing people in the woods near a research base. A team of soldiers, lead by Captain Leary (Michael Rooker), is sent in to find and destroy this creature. Unfortunately, this creature is the possessed spirit of a mad Native American warrior and is virtually unstoppable. It is up to the surviving members of Leary’s team to find a way to destroy the creature.

This disaster of a movie was directed by longtime stuntman and first time director, Johnny Martin. The dialogue is laughable, the plot is inane, and the performances from the actors lack any personality or gumption. The film contains some brief gory moments but nothing outstanding. There is a nasty exploding head, impalements, and even a grotesque (yet half-assed) pit of bodies. Even the gratuitous machinegun fire and explosions can’t make Skeleton Man even remotely exciting.

There are an uncountable number of opportunities for viewers to go “huh?” and “what?” during the film. At around 45 minutes, the film’s already shaky narrative completely breaks down when Casper Van Dien’s (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow) stunt double goes for a little joyride in a tractor trailer which results in a nice explosion. I can’t imagine Van Dien being too busy to be filmed driving a truck. But sure enough, shots of a faceless stunt actor and shots of Van Dien making faces from different parts of the film are intercut into this unholy abomination of a scene.

Now onto the creature that terrorizes the protagonists (and viewers) of Skeleton Man. First of all, there’s nothing scary about a monster in a shiny black polyester bonnet and cape ensemble. Also, despite the silliness of the creature’s mask, there are shots in the film where the actor’s nose can be seen where the skeleton’s nasal cavity should be. And finally, the whole Predator thing really hurts the film. For instance, the skeletal creature can cloak (or perhaps it’s teleporting?) and the POV shots through the creature’s eyes are very familiar (complete with what appears to be thermal vision).

Skeleton Man will horrify but not in the way that it was intended to. This movie may turn up on someone’s guilty pleasure list due to the fact that it is so mistake laden and logic free. And of course, it features an unmitigated Michael Rooker (Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Shadow Builder) running rampant throughout the film as the rugged (and more than just a little nutty) Captain Leary. So, if you think you’re man enough to take on a bewildering plot and embarrassingly trite dialogue (as well as ludicrous action sequences and vapid special effects), then try Skeleton Man on for size.

Slaughterhouse Rock

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Slaughterhouse Rock (1988)

Alex (Nicholas Celozzi) has been having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.

Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape, you don’t always get gold. Surprised?

The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might have at least been salvageable.

Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented) cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.

Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.

Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth waiting for.

Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie? Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the writings of “Indian medicine men”. I’ll be checking that out at my local library.

“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?”

The Stewardess

stewardess

The Stewardess (2002)

Ken Ma (Sam Lee) gets lucky one night (or so he thinks) when he meets the beautiful airline stewardess, Apple (San San Lee). After what Ken thinks is a one night stand, Apple takes charge and brings him to meet her father who just happens to be the notorious Dragon, leader of the Triad gang. Dragon threatens Ken with castration if he doesn’t stay faithful to Apple. Despite constant surveillance under not only his new girlfriend but from the Triads as well, Ken actually manages to cheat on Apple with another airline stewardess, this time a Japanese one named Yurei (played by Seina Kasugai). Of course, Apple finds out about Ken’s indiscretion and tells her father. Thinking his situation can’t get any worse Ken quickly realizes that the Triads and the spiteful Apple are the least of his worries. Now, Armed with a butcher knife, a meat cleaver, and a sharpened toy airplane, the seemingly unstoppable and very psychotic Yurei is hot on his heels.

This hilarious horror comedy from director Tak-Sam Leong happens to be one of my favorites. The plot is constructed just enough to keep the laughs coming and would have been disastrous had it been meant to be a serious horror film. Every time something remotely creepy or serious happens it only takes a moment before the wackiness returns ten fold. Director Leong Tak Sam uses time-lapse photography, slow motion, split-screen, freeze-frame, and digital effects to convey its story, which is completely ridiculous and satirical from the first frame to its tongue in cheek ending.

The cast is completely at home in this comedy. Miss Hong Kong 1996, San San Lee (My Left Eye Sees Ghosts) plays the bitchy Apple almost too well as she treats Ken like a slave from the first moment of their relationship. Yiu-Cheng Lai (Human Pork Chop) is hilarious as Ken Ma’s sleazy friend, George, and whose best scene is when he goes home with the most unattractive girl at the bar. Even Suet Lam (Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters, The God of Cookery) makes the most of his small part as Uncle Fatty, the Triads best but laziest torturer and coercer, with some great moments of improvisational comedy.

Seina Kasugai’s Yurei is a very interesting character. Obviously new to film acting, the gorgeous Kasugai does her best to portray a complete lunatic with only brief moments of seriousness. It would be an understatement to say that she overdoes her role because I suspect that was what was asked of her. Yurei cackles, giggles, screams, and gibbers through her scenes more and more maniacally as the film reaches its conclusion. This may get on some viewers’ nerves but in a film that’s already nuts, she isn’t out of place at all in my book. Kasugai even manages to tone things down during the few effectively creepy moments the film has to offer.

The real star of the film is the super talented Sam Lee (who played Crazy Bee in Bio Zombie). This odd looking fellow is a great comic actor that makes every scene he’s in completely memorable. Ken is such a jackass that you can’t help but root for him. The montage after he finally manages to cheat on Apple is incredible. The whole film turns into a bad beer commercial and Lee doesn’t miss a beat. He keeps getting himself into more and more trouble and you’ll ask yourself “How many times can this guy get the crap beat out of him in one movie?”

The Stewardess is an awesome comedy and a pretty crappy horror movie but I think that’s the point. There is no nudity and very little gore but this very entertaining flick isn’t hurt by any of that one bit. Sam Lee’s performance alone is worth the watch. The DVDs of this film have been difficult to obtain since there were some legal issues concerning its release but I can’t stress enough that the folks that go the extra distance to find this flick will be in for a treat. Oh yeah, and you’ll get enough gangster nipple twisting to last you a lifetime.

The Sweet House of Horrors

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The Sweet House of Horrors (1989)

After their parents are brutally murdered by a burglar, Marco (Giuliano Gensini) and Sarah (Ilary Blasi) are put in the care of their Aunt Marcia (Cinzia Monreale) and Uncle Carlo (Jean-Christophe Brétigniere). While their Aunt and Uncle are waiting for the children’s home to sell, Marco and Sarah are contacted by the ghosts of their dead parents who don’t want the children to leave. Once they witness some supernatural phenomenon for themselves and begin fearing for the children’s safety, Marcia and Carlo hire an exorcist to cleanse the house of evil spirits.

Along with House of Clocks, Lucio Fulci directed The Sweet House of Horrors for Italian television. After reading a very negative review of this film several years ago, I put it on the imaginary “oh well, I’ll never watch that one” shelf. Well, after Doomed Fulci-Thon, I say all bets are off, people. It’s time for me to buckle down and watch every dang thing that the “Godfather of Gore” ever directed.

Here’s the paragraph where I slam the film. The writing is quite confusing and lame. Some of the comedy works but the backhoe scene is unspeakably stupid. Here’s another script featuring characters speaking their painfully obvious thoughts out loud for the audience‘s sake. The subplot with the burglar’s comeuppance is okay but seems more like an afterthought. There is a plethora of cheesy and mostly embarrassing optical effects if you’re into that kind of thing. Most annoying though, is the film’s terrible English dubbing rendering most of the characters even dumber than their dialogue.

And now I must praise the film. There is some attention-grabbing gore in the first few minutes and a couple more gruesome moments later in the film that were excellent. The lighting, Sebastiano Celeste’s camerawork (fisheye lens and soft focus!), and the set design are all surprising good for an Italian television production. Most importantly, a clearly inspired Fulci establishes a very bizarre and often creepy atmosphere that holds up throughout most of the film.

The lovely Cinzia Monreale of The Beyond and Beyond the Darkness graces us with her presence. The kids, Ilary Blasi and Giuliano Gensini, aren’t terrible child actors by any means but when they’re voiced by adults pretending to be children, things get ugly. The most bizarre casting has to be the Abraham Lincoln lookalike in a turtleneck (French actor Vernon Dobtcheff) as the Russian (who speaks German) exorcist.

Once again, I’ve done myself a disservice by avoiding a Fulci film based on a poor review I barely even remember reading. Without a doubt, The Sweet House of Horrors has its problems but it’s definitely a watchable title. There’s a lot to like here especially for Fulci completists like myself. As my standards have been severely lowered by Door to Silence, I’m probably not the most reliable reviewer of this stuff anymore. Shocked? Me neither. But I know one thing… I do loves me a séance sequence! I can’t wait to watch this again.

“Don’t believe him. Grownups are all liars.”

The Shock Labyrinth 3D

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The Shock Labyrinth 3D (2009)

Ken (Yuya Yagira) returns to his hometown to catch up with some old friends, Motoki and Rin. During a thunderstorm, Yuki Tomoya (Misako Renbutsu), a girl that he and his friends thought was dead, comes back after being missing for nearly a decade. Years ago, as children, Ken and his friends went into an old haunted house by themselves and got scared out of their wits. They all escaped except for Yuki.

In the present, they try to reunite Yuki with her family but her mother is insane and her sister Miyu just can’t believe this girl is actually her sister. Yuki ends up falling down a flight of stairs but when they get her to the hospital, they find it deserted. Before long, Ken and the gang realize that they are trapped in a place that is both the haunted by the past and as dangerous as the present. I’m not sure what that sentence means.

I get why people don’t like this movie as it is rife with horror cliches but honestly, The Shock Corridor is so weird (and occasionally unsettling) that I can’t help but dig on it. The digital photography is slick, perhaps a little too slick but very colorful. The special effects are kind of corny but strange enough that they get a pass from me. The ambitious plot is successful at jumping back and forth through time without getting confusing. I went into this film with low expectations but I was charmed by what director Takashi Shimizu has been up to lately.

“Haven’t you figured it out? This is the house of horrors where it happened!”

Murderock – Splatter Generation

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Hey gorefiends, here is the horror metal album you’ve been waiting for. Hailing from the desert wasteland of Nevada, Murderock wears their film fandom on their gore-soaked sleeve with songs inspired by Italian horror fare like Dellamorte Dellamore, The Beyond, and The New York Ripper. Any band with a track about Dr. Freudstein of The House by the Cemetery gets serious points with me right out of the gate. Plus, you can see the sexy doc’s face on the cover. And to keep things nice and sleazy, they also reference grindhouse flicks like Thriller: A Cruel Picture and Last House on Dead End Street.

My favorite song is “Cut You To Pieces” about, what else? Pieces! They even incorporate that splatter classic’s very memorable tagline, “You don’t have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre”, into the chorus. Just calling them metal does the band a disservice as the influences of punk and fuzzed out rock and roll are all over their sound making Splatter Generation fun, scary, catchy, and heavy as fuck. All of the musicianship is great from everyone involved and the lyrics make a great case for the benefits of necrophilia.

http://murderock.net/

https://murderock.bandcamp.com/