Moviethons

Giallo Meltdown: Slashing Back To You

Before we get started, I just wanted to let you know two things. One: this will have some minor spoilers, but I tried to make it so that I wouldn’t ruin the whole plot or the identity of the killer if it’s part of the mystery. Two: this is going to be the ninth chapter of the upcoming book, Giallo Meltdown 2. What’s a Giallo Meltdown? You can find out by picking up the first book right here. Thanks for hanging out!

 

 

In the 1980s, the giallo went through a rough patch but it definitely didn’t die. My beloved genre became a gorier and more insane -or just trashier- version of itself. Italian and Spanish genre filmmakers segued into the slasher business by doing what they do best: make a giallo but gorier. And the Americans, having spent the 1970s being bombarded with rereleases and retitlings of gialli, did what they do best: make a giallo but gorier. Of course, not all slashers from Italy and Spain were just gialli in new packaging. Some of them are actually freakin’ awesome card-carrying members of the slasher club. The goal of this moviethon is to delve deep into that blood spattered gray area that’s somewhere between giallo and slasher. And I don’t care if get lost in it forever.

 

FRIDAY

 

It’s a breezy (though typically warm and Tampa-esque) November night which can mean only one thing: death is coming! I’m sitting here feeling very stuffed and sluggish. I will ultimately be easy prey for the killer. Oh well, that Mexican pizza I ordered from Senor Tequila was worth my impending slaughtering. But let’s not focus on such morbid things for it is time to watch other people die (and not just me slowly)! Personally, I’ve been simply dying (EDIT: please stop talking about dying!) to get this moviethon going for a long while now and hoo boy, the time is here. I’ve got an overly ambitious stack of movies, a good attitude, and a pleasing countenance. Ready, steady, go!

 

 

“What did shithead say?”

5:55PM

BODY COUNT (1986)

 

Ruggero Deodato is personally assisting me in the beginning of this bloodbath. That opening theme by Claudio Simonetti is kicking my ass, dood! I have a feeling that I’m going to regret having put this one off for so long. Boy am I glad that this opens with some basketball. I was beginning to worry if I wouldn’t get my daily recommended sports footage intake. John Steiner is in this, so I guess he’s the killer. Just sayin’. There is a character named Bob and another one named Ann? I feel like I’m in heaven. Speaking of heaven, David Hess and Mimsy Farmer play the owners of a campground that was built on an “Indian burial ground”. This film has an amazingly disorienting mix of live sound and post dubbing. And I just saw a bottle of J&B.

A group of teenagers in an RV are headed to that accursed campsite with their hitchhiker pal Ben. He grew up there, but he also witnessed a couple getting murdered in the woods. I’m sure that won’t come up later. Ivan Rassimov plays a grumpy sheriff’s deputy, and my heart is melting. I love him so much. America’s treasure, David Hess, is extra insane as Ben’s dad. He’s obsessed with catching an old shaman who stalks the woods. The killer I saw for a split second earlier looked more like a deflated Nick Nolte to me than a shaman. These teenagers are extra horny. One girl just fellated a sausage, but only just the tip. We’re all just sucking on the tip tonight. Charles Napier and Mimsy Farmer are super-secret lovers, but I don’t think my feeble mind can process such a thing.

One of the girls is doing the worst aerobics I’ve ever seen. She looks like she’s auditioning for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Close your eyes and imagine what that looks like. All of these characters are terrible and lovable at the same time. Thanks to a prank played on the fat comic relief character, we’re able to start the wiener count. If it turns out that it’s the only peepee we see during this entire moviethon then so be it. This is a damn good slasher and has set the mood for this weekend perfectly. I really hope that Body Count gets a proper release someday because this is one pretty film. This full frame shit is for the birds. The shitty ass birds!

 

 

“You have quite a repertoire of chilling tales.”

7:21PM

BLOODY MOON (1981)

 

Give me that holiday feelin’. Horrific snake murder aside, this is one of Jess Franco’s best films. Don’t listen to those folks who say otherwise. Bloody Moon is a G dang masterpiece. Just like Miguel, I feel like a disco king in my Mickey Mouse mask. After he murders a young lady, Miguel is shipped off to an insane asylum. Luckily, his doctor is Jess Franco, so he doesn’t have to stay there very long. His sister Manuela takes him back to the language school/mansion that their curmudgeonly old aunt owns. It’s full of sexy young ladies that are just begging to get murdered. Someone just set the old lady on fire. I miss her already.

Studly Antonio has his pick of the ladies, especially when he’s in his tennis gear. Speaking of ladies, the girls in this are some of the daffiest slasher movie vixens ever. And the dubbing of every character is broken and extra weird. Heck, this whole thing is just unhinged. The producers wanted Pink Floyd to do the film’s soundtrack. Pink Floyd was… unavailable. Manuela and Miguel have a very special relationship. Incestuous thoughts are okay if your sister looks like Manuela. Those are the rules. Cut to the night club where the DJ is spinning a nightmarish song that commands me to shake my baby. Antonio makes a crack about chocolate syrup and Inga, this movie’s VIP, freaks and storms out of the club. If you’re confused, then just imagine how I feel!

Inga may be my favorite character, but my second favorite is the giant Styrofoam rock that falls down the side of the mountain. Such charisma! The scene where the snake gets killed just gets harder to watch every time. Ugh. Damn it, Franco. Why must you hurt me so? Jeez Louise, even the outfits in Bloody Moon are loud and stupid. There’s an adorable cat scare AND a dummy fakeout. More of that stuff, please. It’s all so wonderful and daft that I’m ridin’ high. Don’t get me wrong though, the allergy medicine I took is making my eyes feel like they have lead weights tied to them. This is requiring all of my concentration. The killer’s motivation is so giallo that it hurts. The only way this could be any better is if this was a modelling school and not a language school.

 

 

“Here comes the bullshit!”

8:49PM

NIGHT SCHOOL (1981)

 

It has been a very, very long time since I’ve seen this one. All that I remember is that the killer looks like the one from What Have They Done to Your Daughters? (1974) and it contains a certain food-based lovemaking/shower scene. There are probably other things that happen in this film. Manly Leonard Mann plays Judd, a police detective investigating the brutal murders of lovely coeds at a Massachusetts college. He questions Vincent, a professor of archeology at the school, to find out more about one of his female students that got beheaded. The professor isn’t suspicious at all. Nope. He’s just creepily showing too much affection to one his students in front of the detective.

Exchange student Eleanor (Rachel Ward) hates how all the girls fawn all over Vincent because she’s his very special teaching assistant. She really knows how to grade his papers! She really knows how to load his slide projector! She really knows how to notate his lectures! Maybe I should just go to bed. A gratuitous shower scene happens and LeEtta is very offended by it. It’s not the nudity on display, it’s the fact that Rachel Ward didn’t take off her earrings beforehand! Vincent joins her in the shower and starts rubbing raspberry jam all over her while the synthesizer plays a creepy dirge. Why does every slasher movie have raspberry jam lovemaking shower scenes?! I’ve never understood that trope.

Watching this film is like jumping on a grenade but instead of shrapnel, your body is pierced by deadly shards of melodrama. The best character is Carol, the kindly but sassy waitress at the Lamplight Restaurant who gives out worldly advice while refilling your coffee. I sure hope that nothing happens to her. The killer likes to decapitate his victims and put the heads in water. They call him “The Wet Bandit”! We’ve seen two neon signs for Schlitz in two movies tonight. Classy. There’s so much soft focus and diffused lighting in this movie that it’s making me feel like I’m floating. Floating like a head in a toilet. Damn it, I need to watch this one more often.

SATURDAY

 

After a night of confusing and boring dreams, I wake up feeling expertly rested. We had a nice jam experiment for breakfast. LeEtta made calamondin jam and pineapple jam. On our English muffins, I put butter and then calamondin on the bottom slice and then butter and pineapple on the top slice. The calamondin was a total failure. But the pineapple was a huge success. So, it all worked out. Was I ready for more movies? Hell no, brother! I came here to do chores! My plan to do my cleaning duties on Thursday night was a complete failure. Woopsie doodle. So, after cleaning the toilets and vacuuming the house, I ran out to get our lottery tickets. After that, I didn’t want to see the sun anymore!

 

 

“The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot
and fucking on a waterbed at the same time!”

10:03AM

PIECES (1982)

 

I am one bold son of a biscuit by starting the day with a stone cold favorite, but this is what it takes to be a hero. I love Pieces so much that my band has a song about it! The VHS tape for this one leered at me on the shelves of the video store when I was a kid. But the cover freaked me out too much, so I never rented it. In the early 2000s, I picked up the Diamond DVD for seven dollars and I’ve loved it ever since. It’s always a big hit at parties. The black-gloved killer likes to fondle his trophies. To be completely honest, it took me multiple viewings before I understood that the girl on the skateboard crashing into the giant mirror on the street is what triggered the killer’s bloodlust. And hell, it might have even been somebody else’s review that explained it to me. I’m not THAT bright or whatever.

At a very un-prestigious college campus in Boston, our murderer is chopping up the female students and stealing one PIECE of their bodies at a time. Everyone’s favorite pasty Englishman Edmund Purdom plays the dean of the university and Jess Franco regular Jack Taylor plays a very suspicious professor encased in a turtleneck. Somebody is gonna have to crack this case and who better than green cigar-chomping detective Christopher George and undercover policewoman/tennis pro Lynda Day George? Oh, hello there, swimming pool at night! You’re one of my favorite characters. The girl by the pool looks alarmed by the dark figure approaching her with a chainsaw, but not alarmed enough to jump back in the pool to evade the maniac. Maybe she thought it was her time.

Nearly every line of dialogue and just about every character in Pieces is a heckin’ riot. I don’t want to get into everything because this entry would be a whole chapter’s worth of writing. The creepy horror synths, progressive rock breakdowns, and the kooky pieces of library music by CAM, a collection of musicians including Fabio Frizzi, Stelvio Cipriani, and Carlo Maria Cordo, are excellent. The way the gore is filmed in this is so grotesque and yet elegant. Let’s call it “grotelegant”. This film makes my heart do cartwheels or maybe that’s just some blockage I’m trying to clear. Director Juan Piquer Simón was a mad genius. One of these days, I need to check out his film called Pod People (1983). I’ve heard that it stinks. I throw a frozen pizza in the oven to feed LeEtta and I because we be hungry.

 

 

“I’m full of surprises today.”

12:30PM

MADHOUSE (1981)

 

This might as well be a first time watch for me. I remember enjoying it and brief flashes of the story, but that’s about it. Back in the 90s, I had a bad case of Assonitis. Holy crud, Madhouse doesn’t waste any time getting to the gore. Whoa! I look forward to comparing this one to Happy Birthday to Me (1981), which was released months after this one and has similar story elements. A music score by Riz Ortolani? Bam! TV actress Patricia Mickey plays Julia Sullivan, a teacher at a school for the deaf. Julia gets a letter from her uncle urging her to visit her twin sister Mary in the hospital. Mary has contracted a virus that has disfigured her face but she’s still the same old sis, a cruel and violent psychopath! In a few days, it will be the twins’ birthday and Mary says that has a very special ritual planned for Julia.

Back at Julia’s place, the building’s super Mr. Kimura, played by Jerry Fujikawa, is tinkering with the fuse box. Fujikawa’s Asian stereotype game is tight. A rottweiler just appeared out of nowhere and killed a security guard at the hospital that Mary just escaped from. Apparently, Mary had a huge, mean dog back when the girls were kids that would obey her every command. If it’s the same dog, then it should probably be in a frickin’ museum because it’s gotta be in its mid to late 20s. One thing I love about this movie is that Julia’s and Mary’s backstory feels like it was based on a 70s pulp horror novel. Riz Ortolani brought all of his farty bass plucks and gurgley stomach synth burps to this party. The owner of the building where Julia lives is a new age nightmare woman with a Southern accent that’ll peel the skin right off your ears. She’s great.

Julia’s cute friend Helen comes over to stay the night and keep her company. This actress is named Morgan Most, and she looks so darn familiar. I know her best from a film called Madhouse (1981). Julia’s cat gets gotten and there’s a brief shot of it hanging by its neck. The cat isn’t dead, but it looks rather pissed off at the filmmakers. Boo. Come on, people. Just get a fake cat. You got a fake dog! The scene is crazy creepy though as a mystery woman is stepping slowly towards Helen in the dark of the basement. Mild animal cruelty aside, this one is a lot of fun. The villain takes such perverse pleasure from evildoing that I discover I’m smiling from ear to ear. When this film gets wild, it gets very wild. I kinda love it. Suddenly I’ve got a craving to watch another Ovidio Assonitis favorite, Beyond the Door (1974), but not today!

 

“I make real good midnight snacks. You hungry?”

1:57PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

 

Speaking of films that I don’t watch often enough, here’s one of them. This Mill Creek Blu-ray looks so damn nice, BTW. A black-gloved killer is stalking a college campus and I’m struck by how original that plotline sounds. The first girl gets it right in the throat zone with a straight razor. She was a member of The Riches or The Elites or The Top Dogs. Whatever their name is, they’re a group of snooty college jerkwads. Luckily for us, the viewing public, these pricks are going to die horribly. The only nice one is Virginia Wainwright (Melissa Sue Anderson) and she’s got some darkness in her past. I can’t judge her too harshly because I once saw C+C Music Factory in concert. The headmistress of the school has it in for the gang and I don’t blame her at all. She has a giant bulldog and he’s such a cutie.

A demonstration with electricity applied to frog legs in class brings back Virginia’s memories of her time she spent in the hospital after a traumatic head injury she suffered as a kid. Her psychologist is played by Glenn Ford. He’s hot. Forget all the psychobabble about Virginia’s fragile mental state, let’s get to the motocross scene. If your movie doesn’t have dirt bikes, did you even make a movie? Speaking of motorized vehicles, don’t get so close to a revving engine when you’ve wearing your Hogwarts scarf. Happy Birthday to Me has both weightlifting and soccer. Is it MY birthday? I can’t believe that this film’s director also directed the sleazetastic 10 to Midnight (1983), a movie I watched with my family when I was way, waaaay too young.

Why am I watching this trash? It features the main cast smoking doobies. I’m scared. Is this even legal to watch in the privacy of my own home? Even though this film is just a little over 110 minutes long, I never find it boring. Virginia’s birthday is quickly approaching, and her dad is too busy organizing the cleanup efforts of some dumb bullshit involving an oil rig on fire. What a selfish bastard! Holy carp, I forgot about the scene at the dance. It contains some delicious disco dancing. The movie delivers what its poster promises with the shish kabob of death which gives LeEtta and I a lot to discuss. What a tasty way to go. While this does have a somewhat similar ending to Madhouse (1981), I think this one is better at delivering the gruesome thrills, and it’s just so darn well made.

 

 

“You want me to stick my head in a fucking trash bag?”

4:27PM

DOUBLE EXPOSURE (1982)

 

I have been saving this DVD from Scorpion Releasing for a very long time. I suppose that this might be a good time to watch it. After an undercover cop disguised as a hooker gets killed by a maniac, the filmmakers get all trippy and keep with the double exposure theme by laying on some nausea-inducing special effects over the opening credits. Once that’s over, we meet Adrian (Michael Callan), a photographer who’s been having strange dreams and vague impotency. His therapist is Seymour Cassel so things can’t be all that bad. Adrian acts like a complete psycho while hitting on a lady named Mindy (Joanna Pettet) who’s just trying to get to her car in the parking garage. She foolishly agrees to see him later. LeEtta made us kielbasa, sauerkraut, and spaetzle for dinner because of all these German movies we’re watching.

Meanwhile the colleagues of the dead uncover cop are getting grief from the police chief, who’s played by Cleavon Little of Once Bitten (1985)! His character’s name is “Police Chief”. That’s creative! Adrian has a dream about murdering a model he’s supposed to be photographing. That’s bad but his homophobic brother B.J. (James Stacy) is worse. He treats Adrian’s gay co-worker like dogshit. What a cool guy. Victoria Jackson has a tiny part in this. More importantly, Frances Bay of Blue Velvet (1986) plays an old woman named “Old Woman”. How did the screenwriter think of that!? Adrian has ghosted Mindy for some reason and has now hooked up with some other chick. He’s a real piece of work.

Holy forking shirt, Grady Fletcher’s fiancée just got killed. I wonder if Aunt Jessica will turn up to solve the mystery! The only mystery is why I wanted to watch this movie. Michael Callan just started monologuing the movie right into the fucking ground. Did he take an acting class? He’s chewing the scenery like it was the last stick of beef jerky hidden in his couch cushions. I don’t like the term “overindulgent” because people use it to describe me all the time. Hold up, Mindy has taken Adrian back after all of his bullshit? Why would she do that? Why is she rubbing her crotch with his foot? LeEtta theorizes that the reels of the film are out of order.

Adrian and B.J. take their dates to a bar that has female mud wrestling. B.J.’s date named Bambi gets him to bet $230 that he can wrassle and win against the reigning champ in the ring. Spoiler alert: he loses. Damn it, Double Exposure is pretty dreadful and has almost lost us completely. But we’re hangin’ on, damn it. And for what it’s worth, the ending is pretty decent and there’s some surprisingly good atmosphere on display. But I have to wonder what the heck happened to this movie. There’s a lot of extras on the disc that might explain things. So now we’re watching those. Just kidding. We’re moving right along.

 

 

“Stop kvetching, honey. You could always go back to
microwaving chili at Mexico Joe’s.”

6:08PM

STAGEFRIGHT (1987)

 

Now, this feels like coming home. I’ve seen this wondrous film so many times that I’ve practically got it memorized. A group of dancers is getting ready for a big show by pulling an all-night rehearsal. Hey, this is just like Noises Off (1992). The show that they’re rehearsing is some crunked up garbage with hookers, murder, and a killer in a huge owl mask. Barbara Cupisti plays Alicia, one of the dancers who sneaks off with her pal so that she can have a doctor look at her injured ankle. They go to a mental institution because they think that psychiatrists treat sprained ankles. After the doctor feels her up, they head back to the theater not realizing that a homicidal killer has escaped from the hospital and secreted (Ew, bro!) himself away in the backseat.

Good old Michele Soavi directed this masterpiece of murder, and he did it just for me. What a good guy! No wait, he did it for Joe D’Amato who produced it. But George Eastman, who wrote this, said that he dedicated the screenplay to me. Giovanni Lombardo Radice plays Brett, one of the dancers. The screenwriter gives Brett all of the best lines. He’s so damn funny. Brett has an antagonistic friendship with his pal Laurel, played by Mary Sellers of Ghosthouse (1988). They attempt to see which of them can be cattier than the other. It’s a stalemate. The killer steals Brett’s owl mask and kills one of the dancers right in front of everyone. Now the key to the only door out is lost and these silly goofs are trapped in the theater.

I’m not the kind of guy who has to upgrade every single DVD in my collection but this old Anchor Bay disc ain’t lookin’ so hot. Normally I wouldn’t care but dang it all, my eyes are so tired right now. The scene where Laurel and Alicia hide from the killer in the showers is so good. Then there’s the whole tableau with all of the victim’s bodies arranged onstage while classical music is blaring, and feathers are blowing around by the fan. I think this is anime because feathers = anime. There’s a black cat in this named Lucifcer but I think he’s played by two cats because one of them is a tabby that’s been dyed black. That’s Hollywood for ya.

QUICK BREAK

 

LeEtta and I went outside to look at the stars and the mostly full moon. It was very cool outside and windy. I was feeling both elated by the barrage of movies I’ve been shoving into my brain and in pain from another cold front moving in. Those sinus infections I had back in the day really destroyed my shit forever. But the tops of the trees swaying to and fro were so gorgeous that I laid down on our driveway and stared at them while LeEtta looked for constellations. The light pollution and some pesky clouds weren’t helping her. After a little while, we went back inside.

 

 

“Enjoy the show, creep.”

8:15PM

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (1983)

 

Here’s another one that I’ve never seen before. The cover art for this one and Double Exposure (1982) are so damn gialloriffic that I couldn’t resist. We have nudity and pot smoking in the first few seconds. That’s unacceptable. We are turning this off! The straight razor starts flying and we are off to the last film of the day. Welcome to the world of strippers and prostitutes and Canadians. This dude named Eric is looking for his missing sister (who we just saw killed). She was involved in some skeevy shit, and he wants to find her. This movie is as grubby as the VHS that it was ripped from. Another gay stereotype! These things happen.

Michael Ironside just showed up as a cop and I’ve made a bet with LeEtta that he’s the killer. And minutes later, I am proved wrong. Oh well, good thing I didn’t mention how many thousands of dollars I had intended to wager. Eric turns to Louise (Lora Staley), his sister’s friend to help him and they both take turns giving each other guilt trips. Good gawd, it looks freakin’ COLD up there in that Canada place. I’m starting to fall in love with all of these characters. A decent script and some solid performances are things that movies have sometimes. What’s that all about? Sure, it’s a little bad TV cop drama but I’m very much enjoying this.

I keep seeing Christmas decorations and that excites me very much. If American Nightmare could be a part of our Christmas viewing every year that would make me happy. While running around town trying to get more info, Eric and Louise are accosted by a mugger. Eric makes quick work of this punk by nearly ripping his ear off. Later that night, after arguing about how stripping is bad and how he’s a hypocrite, Eric and Louise meet halfway by having a really long sex scene. Well, this just took a nasty turn. I truly didn’t see that coming. I need a shower now. I mean, I always NEED a shower but this time, it’s because a movie made me feel dirty. Canada, you naughty.

 

SUNDAY

 

We went to bed as soon as American Nightmare (1982) AKA Canadian Nightmare (or Hoser Nightmare as David Assassino calls it) was over. I stayed awake for a little while to read a bit more of The Tea Party by Charles L. Grant. I have read many, many books by Grant and I highly recommend him if you can track down his stuff. Anyway, I went to sleep and had many dreams of social awkwardness and paranoia. My giallo killer is being afraid of hanging out with people. LeEtta gave us both a break from yard work for the day, and there was much rejoicing. For breakfast, I drove out and picked up sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches from Panera Bread (not my sponsor). It was a lovely morning but already warmer than it had been the night before but there was rain and cooler weather in the forecast. I decided to stay indoors where it was much safer for my delicate constitution.

 

“Once the cerebral cells are destroyed, they cannot regenerate.”

9:19AM

ABSURD (1981)

 

Here’s a cozy little number. I first saw this marvelous Joe D’Amato joint way back in the day as a little kid and it got lodged in my brain. When I got back into horror movies around 2002, I asked about it on a horror message board, giving as many details as I could about the plot. Someone identified it as Absurd (AKA Rosso Sangue AKA Monster Hunter AKA George Eastman vs. Mechagodzilla) immediately and I was shocked that it was so hard to find. I bought the VHS and fell in love with it all over again. Now I have this swanky ass Severin Blu-ray and the soundtrack on red and black swirl vinyl (a gift from my friend Sam). So yeah, I kinda like this one.

This movie is about true love between two men. One is played by George Eastman and the other is Edmund Purdom. Eastman is an undying rage-filled beast and Purdom is a priest out to stop him at any cost. Michele Soavi is back as a young man on a motorcycle. Because his portrayal won him so many awards, he would reprise this game changing role in Tenebre (1982). One thing about this movie is the annoying kid in it. Everyone bitches about Bob in The House by the Cemetery (1981) but he doesn’t hold a candle to little Willy played by Kasimir Berger, son of the great William Berger. His sister Katia is played by his real-life sister Katya Berger. Katia is in traction from some anomaly in her spine and likes to draw circles! Bless her heart.

Mmm, Nurse Emily. She’s played by the lovely Annie Belle, who was more known for her roles in erotic films. I would injure myself forever if she was the one operating on me. Most of this film takes place at night and it’s all just lovely. I wish I could stroll around some cozy looking streets in Italy with George Eastman all night. There’d be no trouble since he’s 9 feet tall. Fun fact about me: it took many, many viewings of Absurd before I realized that it was D’Amato trying to cash in on the success of Halloween (1978). This is also a vague sequel to Antropophagus (1980), but Eastman didn’t want to have the gnarly makeup on this time around.

When my buddy Brad and I were talking about this film on the podcast, we talked about its ridiculous obsession with American football. And of course, the Italians got it completely wrong but football fucking sucks, so who cares?! You have adults dressing up in their finest duds to go to a football watching party which starts at 10pm and where they eat big bowls of spaghetti. All of the play-by-play commentary from the TV is complete gibberish. And bonus, the fanfare they play at the game is the same as the music from Pieces (1982). It’s not too surprising since a lot of that score was borrowed from this one. Meanwhile, there’s a whole subplot involving Willy’s dad being racked with guilt after hitting Eastman with his car and fleeing the scene. I’d be racked with guilt too if my seed had brought the curse upon the world known as Willy.

 

LUNCH

 

I went out to get some food from Simply Pho. I picked up egg rolls, chicken with fried rice for LeEtta, and pork with stir-fried noodles for me. So, I guess I didn’t get simply pho but whatever. There were lots of Vietnamese families enjoying lunch there and I did a little sneaky people watching while I was waiting. Probably creepy or maybe I was just hungry. Whatever everyone was ordering looked amazing. So maybe more pathetic than creepy? Who knows? On the way back, I listened to Edsel. There are few things from the 1990s that I enjoy more than that band. Look up their album called Techniques of Speed Hypnosis. It’s great. I’m so full of recommendations this moviethon.

 

 

“You haven’t kissed me goodnight for a long time.”

12:37PM

SCHIZOID (1980)

 

I have been staring at this one on my shelves for what seems like forever. Good old Canon Films. This opens with a lady hunched over her typewriter while writing on her couch. She’s just like me! You fill a hot tub with lovely ladies sipping glasses of wine and you’re creating a situation where anything can happen. Now that one of the girl gang are alone, she’s being pursued by a man with black gloves wielding a huge pair of scissors. He chases her to the California version of the Sawyer Ranch. Hot damn, Marianna Hill of Messiah of Evil (1973) is in this. She plays Julie. She writes the advice column for a newspaper that her ex-husband Doug (Craig Wasson) runs. My God, they would’ve had beautiful children together. Julie is getting anonymous letters from a psycho. He talks about wanting to kill people and he wants her advice for some reason.

Julie and her pals are in a group therapy session led by Dr. Peter Fales. I suspect that their session will not be successful because Fales is played by Klaus Kinski. He may know more about madness than anyone, but I think he mostly just causes it. Dr. Fales likes to sneak a peek at his daughter Alison (Donna Wilkes) whiles she’s undressing. That’s not good. Christopher Lloyd plays one of the members of the group and he sounds like the loneliest man on the planet. He’s so good but I’m glad the movie isn’t about him. That’d be a bit of a bummer. After the session is over, Julie shows Dr. Fales the psycho letter and he gives her a big surprise kiss. His secretary walks in and catches them. He acts all cool and leaves but Julie looks like he hit her with a two-by-four. Another gay stereotype! Damn, these North Americans are giving Italy a run for their money.

Speaking of character actors, John Regalbuto of “Murphy Brown” and Richard Herd of “T.J. Hooker”, are both in this! Ooh, a strip club. We definitely didn’t get enough of that action yet this moviethon. Kinski just had sex with a stripper against a hot water heater. LeEtta is making candles in the kitchen, so she only heard the sound effects of them making the sex act. She said, “Those didn’t sound like sexy sounds!” Holy shit, this was directed by the dude who did Savage Weekend (1979)?! That’s amazing. Julie and Dr. Fales are actually starting up a romance. Duder, I gotta tell ya, that is some weird, inhuman shit. His daughter Alison certainly thinks it’s weird. She’s spying on them from her bedroom window while holding a huge revolver. My brain just reminded me who Donna Wilkes is. She’s Angel from Angel (1983)!

While Julie is getting Kinski’d by Dr. Fales, Doug is snooping around the fire escape, trying to get a look at them in The Bone Zone. A neighbor who looks a lot like Martin Scorsese chases him down the street with a baseball bat screaming, “I’ll fix your ass!” The members of the group therapy session are gettin’ gotten and Kinski saying, “Where is everybody?” to the surviving members cracks me up. Donna Wilks almost looks like she’s trying to cosplay as Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris (1972) in one scene. Now that was a fun first-time watch. I want to own this soundtrack. It’s by some dude named Craig Huxley and damn it, it’s so damn cool.

“I’m depressed and I have a headache.”

2:17PM

EDGE OF THE AXE (1988)

 

I love how José Ramón Larraz got into the slasher game in the late 80s with this little gem. The killer looks super cool with his creepy expressionless mask. But the real magic of this movie comes from all of the computer rigmarole and wacko character interactions. Gerald is a computer geek with a hipster haircut. He and his friend Richard (no relation) run around town earning extra money exterminating vermin. Today, the owner of the local bar wants them to investigate a foul stench coming from somewhere at his establishment. Surprise, it’s a corpse! Ugh, I hate Richard. No, I’m not talking about myself though I do hate myself. This Richard is such a sleazebag. He brags about only having married his wife, played by Patty Shepard for her money and he’s obsessed with tits. Not his wife’s tits but all the other tits in town. No one ever married Patty Shepard for any other reason than Patty Shepard!

This movie has a love story even sweeter than the one between Eastman and Purdom. Gerald meets Lillian another computer geek just like him. Their online chats are the stuff of legend. Perhaps you’ve heard of The Hunger Games and 50 Shades of Grey. Those hit properties are both based on Gerald and Lillian. Thanks to Arrow Video I was able to retire my VHS rip of this film. This Blu-ray is kinda blowing my mind right now. It just looks so damn nice. And I get to hear the soul deflating country songs and the garbled dialogue of some of the locally sourced actors in HD. Jack Taylor returns to the moviethon! He’s also in HD, glaring suspiciously.

My pal Sam has arrived to partake of this craziness. He is witnessing the blossoming yet complicated love of Lillian and Gerald. LeEtta says that old Ger looks like Jim Carrey and Sam says he looks like Evan Peters of “American Horror Story”. Meanwhile, Patty Shepard and Jack Taylor are having the best interaction ever filmed at the bar. He’s practically making love to her whiskey glass. The computer voice coldly narrating the online chats of the young lovers just blew Sam’s mind. Gerald looks as tired and distraught as the manager at Panera did this morning. Although I suspect that she was just really hungover. Gerald has no excuse.

 

GYROJETS AND DINNER

 

Sam and I retreated to the music room where we worked on some new parts of new GYROJETS songs. It was as loud and ridiculous as always. Then we talked about Laser Tag and synthesizers and horror manga. Sam ate one of the pumpkin spice bourbon muffins that LeEtta made, and he found them to be amazing. I could do nothing but agree. They were that good. And then Sam had to take his leave of us. I heated up the leftover beans and rice from Senor Tequila and we made burritos. It was finally time for the last movie of the moviethon.

 

 

“Look, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

6:25PM

NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN (1981)

 

And now I must tussle with Romano Scavolini and his Video Nasty classic. He directed A White Dress for Marialé (1972)?! That kinda blows my mind. I’m loving the hand-painted 21st Century Distribution Corp. logo at the beginning of this. Somebody’s cousin was a skilled draftsman. Or draftsperson. A young man in tighty whities wakes up with a woman’s severed head in his bed. But then he really wakes up in a straitjacket in an asylum. After some diseased jazz plays over the credits, a title card proclaiming “The First Night – Florida” boldly flashes on the screen. I love me some Florida movies, y’all. You know this! Some maniac is running around and scares the Bujebus out of a poor babysitter. One of the kids she’s babysitting looks very amused by all this as the cops are running around outside looking for the aforementioned maniac.

So Mr. Tighty Whities is named George Tatum and he lives in New York City. He is the first quote unquote success with a combination of new anti-psychotic medications. Sadly, his list of mental problems is as long as my arm, so let’s just say things are likely not gonna go well for him on the outside. George goes out in the world to a peep show and he’s haunted by visions of the dead woman tying a man to a bed and slapping the shit out of him. Holy crud, this has some serious dildo on lady bits action happening here. Paging, Dr. Franco! He drives down to Florida and goes to a bar. A country singer armed with an acoustic guitar croons, “I’m feelin’ tired and beat” to which I say, “Fuck you!” George follows a woman home from the bar and brutally kills her to death. But then he apologizes. So, it all works out.

Someone thought it would be a good idea to have some recorder on this soundtrack. And here I thought the harmonica was the worst instrument ever invented. There’s a lady named Susan who likes to leave her kids locked out of the house while she’s on a boat getting groped by a guy who looks like a roadie for The Eagles. When she realizes that she needs to get home to feed her children, he says, “Let them eat Mallomars.” I’m not gonna lie, her kids, especially C.J. the little terror, are pretty awful. Never blame the parents! JK LOL. Susan really sucks. Her boyfriend suggests that they go to McDonald’s, but they dub over him so he’s saying “McDuff’s”. I thought C.J. was making pipe bombs in his bedroom but LeEtta explained that he’s wiring up one of his masks for a prank. Someone show this to my mom so that she will thank the Lord for what a well-behaved child I was.

George feels bad for killing people. He takes his victim to the beach and just screams at the night sky. Nice to see that sometimes a killer has remorse. Sometimes. The babysitter freaks out on Susan after C.J. pulls another prank and I have to laugh. She looks like a true Floridian. I’d say perfect casting, but they probably just grabbed her off the street out of desperation. We get some great impossible computer crapola as a cigar chomping detective is hunting for George by typing questions into a computer and getting instant answers. LeEtta has had it with Susan, but I think she’s mother of the year. This movie gets so weird as the police question C.J. about his dead friend at the scene of the crime in front of a camera crew and reporters. Wut? This is the best prequel to Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2007) ever made. I seriously don’t know I feel about this fuckin’ movie. It is exquisite suffering.

 

CIGAR AND FINAL THOUGHTS

 

I sat out in the carport in the dark smoking an Eiroa cigar and drinking a lime Jarrito. The temperature was already starting to drop. Winter was coming or at least the Florida version of it. I was giddy. After 13 films, 102 murders, and 4 wieners (almost five if you count George’s peepee bouncing round in his tighty whities), I was in splatter heaven. In fact, I had just experienced one of the best moviethons I’d had in years. Slashers and gialli are always battling it out for the open spot in the happy hole in my head but also heart. Intentionally getting lost in that happy space between my two favorite subgenres was fascinating and stupid. It was a snotty and unimaginably selfish gesture to enrage giallo diehards and make myself happy.

On one end of the spectrum, you have Stagefright (1987) and Body Count (1986) which were very successful slashers; and then on the other, you have Pieces (1982) and American Nightmare (1983) which were totally latecomers to the giallo game. Then you’ve got Nightmares in a Damaged Brain (1981) and Double Exposure (1982) which I don’t have a clue what the actual fudge category they fit into. As for new favorites, I will definitely be revisiting Schizoid (1980) and Body Count again. Hell, I’m still trying to talk LeEtta into letting me slip American Nightmare into our regular Christmas sleaze watchin’. Only time will tell.

Slashers in the Night II: The Death Kill

slashersinthenight2

It seemed like I had nothing but excuses for putting off this moviethon. The next thing I knew, several months had passed since I’d made my initial playlist and my annoyance with myself was too much to bear. “That’s it, we’re doing this!” I screamed into the night. The unseen rule of the first Slashers in the Night was off the table so this left me free to choose whatever the dang hell I wanted (though I prefer to pass on anything released after 1989 for this series). What transpired was easily one of my favorite moviethons of all time. Here we go!

Friday

I get off work and arrive at home to find my wife LeEtta –who had had the day off today- taking my advice and watching whatever she pleased since I would be hogging our primary visual entertainment device for the next 54 hours or so. As I bring the trashcans in from the street, I couldn’t help but notice that the weather is typically Florida as hell meaning sunny and muggy. There was an apocalyptic thunderstorm earlier this afternoon and it left everything hopelessly funky.

While LeEtta makes dinner, I fall asleep on the recliner while some random home design show on Netflix babbles on in the background. LeEtta wakes me up several minutes later to tell me that dinner is ready. One of her old standards, couscous, asparagus, and a fried egg awaited me. She’s way, way too good to me. Feeling refreshed and full, I pour myself an unsweet iced tea and pick the first movie.

nightscreams

“A really nice place? God, what a dickhead!”

6:17pm

Night Screams (1987)

This jumps right into things with a girl changing in a locker room. Her boobs are exposed before I even have time to process what is going on. This flashes between her friends scaring her and a couple watching TV on the couch. Are they watching a movie or are we? Oh wait, they’re watching the gory bits of Graduation Day! Spoilers much? Jeez. While the husband is outside cooking burgers on a grill -that isn’t even lit- someone takes a butcher knife and his kills his lady friend. Then he gets it. The killer plays chopsticks on the piano and we get the title screen.

LeEtta and I debate about how I’m collating the body count. I say that every murder that happens on screen gets counted and every corpse that is the result of an offscreen kill gets counted. Oh my goodness, this score is peppy and delightful. A bearded psychiatrist is talking into a tape recorder about releasing a patient and then we cut hard to a high school football game with some very passionate fans. Everything has just been confusing and fun so far. I already have high hopes for this film.

Some escaped lunatics kill a couple of cops and then destroy a diner with lots of squibs exploding willy-nilly. More importantly, we get not one but two locker room scenes. One with the guys where they talk about dicks and someone gets a wedgie. And another with the girls where they talk vaguely about sex. This movie is dripping with the 1980s. The music, the hair, the clothes, the dance sequence, etc. There’s also a bevy of characters played by utter cheeseballs spouting off droll dialogue that is making me giggle with delight. I’ve already forgotten this is supposed to be a slasher.

The whole gaggle of partying kids head out to a remote house for some sexy shenanigans, burgeoning alcoholism, and melodrama. The script is setting up some really obvious red herrings and there are still those two escaped convicts hiding in the basement. Uh oh, someone just cut the phone line! The most ridiculous thing in this movie is instead of having the actresses in the movie get naked, the producers keep cutting in scenes from a porno movie. That’s just wacky. Swimming pool at night? Yes. Huge body count? Yes. That’s it, I’m calling it, Night Screams is a new favorite. Wichita seems like a lovely place.

mountaintopmotelmassacre

“I’m so horny, I can’t stand it!”

8:02pm

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

This has been on and off (mostly off) my radar for many years. The movie tells us about Evelyn, owner of the Mountaintop Motel, who was in an institution for three years. Now she’s out and having trouble coping with her daughter Lorri’s guinea pig  and hobby of invoking the spirit of her dead father. With all the amazing lighting, piles of baby dolls, and broken strangeness, it’s immediately apparent that I should’ve watched this ages ago. Evelyn accidentally kills Lorri with a scythe during a violent rage but she convinces the cops it was an accident. Wait what?

This has a completely different vibe from Night Screams and that makes me very happy. The rundown look of the motel and all the countrified accents are simply to die for. ­­­Evelyn gingerly handling a rubber snake like it was going to come to life bite her is friggin’ genius. The random strangers heading to the motel are so hilarious in their quaint little introductory scenes. There’s a gentleman carpenter, a pair of sexy singing cousins, hillbilly newlyweds, a sleazy salesman, and a drunk preacher. The sound effects of the storm that traps the guests in the motel is making our cats, especially Crisco, very nervous

Anna Chappell is trying to chew the scenery a new one with her bizarre performance as Evelyn. She seems to think she’s an avenging angel for the Lord so she’s using snakes, rats, and roaches to annoy her guests. I feel really bad for the actor who has a roach crawling on his goddam face! Around the time that Evelyn starts dispatching mofos with her trusty scythe (at the behest of the disembodied voice of her dead daughter), I start scrounging through our Japanese candy stash. While I chew some orange-flavored gum, I decide that I waited way too long to check this charming and odd movie out.

Saturday

Okay, that wasn’t a great way to start a moviethon. The films were two unseens and two fantastic discoveries but by the time Mountaintop Motel Massacre was over, I felt like crap. I decided to call it a night with the intention of getting a goodnight’s sleep. That was an excellent plan! With the bonkers plot of Night Screams still doing impossible algebra in my head, I fell into a deep sleep with crazy dreams.

By morning, I felt refreshed and ready to tear into some movies! Well, after chores anyway. I made bagels and cream cheese for LeEtta and I. I also peeled an enormous orange for us to split while she made coffee. We realized that we had accidentally bought fat free coffee creamer and we both made faces at each other while drinking our caffeine down. Rookie mistake! All of this is taking place while my LP of The George Shearing Quintet’s Satin Affair plays smoothly on in the background. After I vacuum the house, I pour some more iced coffee for myself, and pick the first movie of the day.

bloodtracks

“If you fear God then you’ll want this madness to end.”

9:52am

Blood Tracks (1985)

I found a VHS copy of this film at a flea market, burned it to DVD, and then sold the tape on eBay for a nice profit! That’s why I’m independently wealthy these days. Oh and then I forgot to watch it! The moment this starts, I immediately realize that we are in dubbed country here. The director of this is Swedish and that’s all the trivia you’ll get from me today. A family squabble turns deadly when mommy gets stabby. The family is forced to flee and a helpful narrator tells us that they have been hiding out for the last forty years in “the middle of nowhere”. A rock band and film crew are heading into the snowy mountains to film a music video. I’m practically wringing my hands with excitement over this one.

The family is living in an old hazardous waste factory out in “the middle of nowhere” and they’ve gone practically feral. They’re monster makeup is pretty frickin’ cool. Me thinks they’re not going to get along with a bunch of shithead music and film industry types. Beautiful people and mutants go together like oil and grease. There’s an avalanche and everyone is stranded up on the mountain. Between the dubbing, the cave-people that look vaguely like George Eastman in Antropophagus (1980), a high body count, and the drug-addled antics of the band, this is a lot of fun so far.

Blood Tracks does something really inventive. In spite of the danger of getting lost or killed, people start splitting up into smaller and smaller groups. I think this might be one of the single most cleverest ways of moving the action along in a slasher film. You are a true original, Blood Tracks! One of the kills was so confusing that I have to assume that it was cut to heck. Ooh, I really like some of the tense synthesizer music in this one. This movie sets itself up for a sequel very nicely. I don’t think that ever happened. LeEtta has come and gone to the grocery store and the liquor store for our very important supplies like food and rum. I married very well.

mutilator

“I’m gonna set a new high score on the video machine.”

11:28am

The Mutilator (1984)

And the unseens just keep on rolling out. Special thanks to my pal Scott MacDonald for sending me this one. The Mutilator opens with a bang as a kid named Ed accidentally blows his mother away with his dad’s rifle. Woops! Gun help is help. Dad doesn’t take this birthday surprise very well. Years later, little Ed is all grown up and hanging out with his college buddies. The single most important thing is that they are trying to figure out what to do on their fall break. Matt Farley has spoken very highly of the “Fall Break” song that plays in this movie. It does not disappoint.

The characters are kooky as fuck and way likeable. Ed and these jokers are heading out to his dad’s isolated beach house to get it ready for the winter and get some serious partying done. This is what fall break is all about, bitches. Ed’s dad is a real weirdo. He’s got hunting trophies all over the house as well as a sacrificial mask AND a huge battle-axe that has gone missing. Uh oh. Dad is hiding in the house and having fantasies about killing Ed when he was a kid. Yikes!

I’m loving the beach location in this one and the weird percussion sound on the score. It sounds like someone throwing a basketball against a concrete wall. There’s some great atmosphere in the pool scene from some awesome lighting and slow motion camerawork. Wow! The Mutilator is really living up to its title. Sam has texted me to say that he and his lady friend Laura will meet us at Señor Tequila, a fine Mexican restaurant. I feel bad because they’re missing this. The hide and seek scene is one for the ages.

Lunch

Señor Tequila is fun times with Sam and Laura. LeEtta gets fish tacos, I get tacos al pastor, Sam gets a quesadilla, and Laura gets veggie fajitas. As I have found with this restaurant every time I’ve gone there, the food is excellent! Of course, the place is a madhouse and we’re there for nearly 2 hours but it was worth it. Afterwards, Sam and I jam. We run through about 6 GYROJETS songs and then it’s time for some movie watching!

evillaugh

“I’m not playing with your butt.”

Evil Laugh

3:45pm

We’re off to a great start! This DVD is tore up and ridiculous. In the film, there’s a house in the middle of nowhere and a killer just ripped some yuppy’s heart out. Three dorks are cruising in their convertible when it breaks down. Barney is reading a Fangoria. Johnny has gotta go “drain the lizard”. He pees on a couple taking a nap in the dunes. Almost-comedy ensues. The realtor is the best character ever. I think his name is Mr. Burns.

They play the boombox and a cleaning-the-house dance montage starts. So far, both the dialog and the plot are brilliant. All of the acting is extra brilliant. Mr. Burns almost rapes his wife for our amusement. Tina says, “Just give me some sandpaper and send me to the nursery.” How much of this is meant to be funny and how much of this is meant to be serious? I think the filmmakers probably thought they were being much funnier than they actually were. Barney needs to die. He represents everything I hate though I will concede that he is proto-Randy for all you Scream fans out there.

There’s another swimming pool at night scene. I almost forgot to note it. Those are my jam, yo. When Connie gets scared, she whips out a gun that is bigger than her head. She shoots into a room and screams even though no one’s in there. It’s fantastic and silly. The ending is utterly insane and I loved it. If only the entire movie had been that on point.

graduationday

“You know something, Mr. Guglione? You’re a real bastard!”

Graduation Day (1981)

5:26pm

Sam and Laura leave but I know that Evil Laugh has forever changed them as people. Graduation Day starts and I’m ready for some teen sports, y’all! Um, you guys. Laura (the movie one, not Sam’s Laura) doesn’t look so good. The opening song is saying that “everyone wants to be the winner” but Laura looks like she just wants to live until the end of the race. It’s important to note here that not everyone gets what they want.

Oh boy, that first murder was pretty weak. The knife was bleeding before it hit the blonde jogger chick’s throat. It splashed her to death. Christopher George is in this and honestly, that’s all you need to know about this film. His gravelly voice is just so sexy and he plays an utter dickbagel. Laura’s sister Anne comes home from the navy to see her family, collect her sister’s honorary trophy (I actually LOL’d while typing that), and- BEEGEES POSTER! Anne’s stepdad Ronald is a real fucking asshole. Anne herself is a badass but she’s also rather creepy like in a “Hi! I could be the killer” kind of a way.

Oh snap. Michael Pataki plays the principal in this and big surprise, the senior class collectively loathes him. Those fools! I love Michael Pataki. This stalking scene looks familiar. Could it be because Night Screams already showed it to me!? The editor likes to cause seizures in the audience. Linnea Quigley just showed up in a scene that was already nuts to begin with. Now she’s seducing the cornball music teacher.

The cop busts some teenagers for smoking dope and then he himself smokes some dope. That’s what they call simile in the screenwriting industry. After the quarterback is killed by a sword-football, the film cuts to Laura’s boyfriend playing harmonica and entertaining the girls while some joker plays “The Graduation Blues” on guitar. He looks forty. The band playing the graduation dance is outstanding. Nafa and Amanda stop by to drop off a Boogeyman and Friday the 13th Part II CEDs (those are Capacitance Electronic Discs, by the way) that he picked up at a thrift store for me. I’m going to send the Friday the 13th one to Brad. The killer in this movie gets two monologues. TWO. Classic.

girlsschoolscreamers

“Liz, you are one crazy lady and I think you oughta cool your jets!”

 Girls School Screamers

8:02pm

Here’s another film I bought on tape and converted to DVD. After a pair of ridiculous Troma previews, this movie starts so nonchalantly that I couldn’t tell if it was actually happening or not. On a dare by his friends, young Billy goes snooping in a house and is confronted by a nasty ghost. He ends up in the hospital in shock. Now we jump to the reading of a will and we jump yet again to some Catholic school girls being silly. This gang of cuties gets called to the principal’s office. He wants them to catalog the art collection of the school’s greatest benefactor in the same house that nearly killed young Billy.

13 minutes in and they’ve already made fun of the “fat girl” Rosemary twice. Of course, she’s the hottest one. LeEtta has made me my first mojito of the night. This could be trouble. Rum says yes! Just like Blood Tracks, I never actually watched this one until now. I sure hope it’s a slasher movie! The girls are certainly catty enough for my standards. During a game of hide and seek, Jackie finds the diary of Jennifer Wells, one of the girls who used to live in the house. The nun gets really upset when Jackie asks her about it but they figure that Jennifer must have died mysteriously. Time to have a séance. The only thing I love more than nighttime swimming pool sequences is séances!

They find a portrait of Jennifer Wells and -gasp- it looks like Jackie! During an extended flashback to young Jennifer Wells, the dialog gets even more stilted. This is how old timey people talked! We finally get our first kill with a meat cleaver and damn it to hell, it’s “fat” Rosemary. I miss her already. A couple of the girls’ goofy boyfriends show up to mess with them. This is getting good. And my fingers are numb from the mojito. LeEtta strikes again. Supernatural slasher for the win! Son of a bitch. Troma just talked over the last shot of the movie. Fuck you, Troma. Fuck you.

toallagoodnight

“Tom, will you stop messing around and take me to bed like a real man?”

To All a Goodnight

9:36pm

A bunch of moronic girls chase their friend through the finishing school with knives and an axe. She falls to her death over the edge of a balcony during Christmas vacation. What the heck was gonna happen if they caught her? Unlikely prank fail! It’s 2 years later and a killer is getting ready to kill some girls at the same school. Man oh man, I needed another Christmas-themed slasher in my life and this will do nicely. Lots of bitchy chicks and a creepy groundskeeper. Hallelujah!

The goofy dude characters show up to party with the girls via plane and things get even sillier! Trisha the sassy Brit gets killed but her skirt already had blood all over it before the killer even got in the room. This movie is so fun. There’s an excellent double whammy kill scene that made me cheer. Then it’s the next day and everything just slows down while the cast goofs off. Even the detective is kind of off somehow but in a good way. Wow, David Hess could direct a frickin’ slasher! I’m not gonna lie but I’m pretty buzzed right now. If this movie was 9 hours long I’d be fine with that.

Sunday

In case you were wondering, I’m a lightweight when it comes to booze. I woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible hangover and had to trudge to the kitchen for some ibuprofen. Despite our cat Sparkles’ best efforts to wake me up before my alarm, I slept rather well. In the morning, I went out to Dunkin Donuts for some breakfast substance for us in the form of bacon, egg, and cheese croissants. LeEtta doesn’t like their coffee so she started brewing a pot while I was gone.

After breakfast, I put on the first movie. It’s called Attack of the Lawnmower starring LeEtta and Richard. Ah yes, yardwork. Now that we own a home and it’s Florida, we have yardwork every weekend between the months of April and November every damn year. Once that is done, we shower, and head out to lunch. The always reliable Burger 21 is a goodtime place, especially on Sunday before everyone gets out of church. I’m wearing my Camp Crystal Lake t-shirt so people know I’m not fucking around. I have a hotdog with bacon and an espresso milkshake while LeEtta gets a bean burger. We’re literally the best people in the world.

slumberpartymassacre3

“Did somebody mention hips? Here come the cookies!”

Slumber Party Massacre III (1990)

12:34pm

Son of a bitch! I’m breaking my 1989 rule. Woops. This eerie opening theme is so good that it puts my mind at ease. We’re on the beach for some volleyball fun but there’s a creepy Kurt Cobain Lookalike Dude watching this group of teens who are about to die horribly. Too cynical? Jeffrey Canino warned me about this movie. The first kill with the drill happens and some seriously noodly guitar solo plays over the top. I love it. We go right into some subpar Bananarama song as the girls cruise in a convertible. So far, so good.

LeEtta appreciates the checklist being marked off for things that you need in a Slumber Party Massacre sequel. 1. Teens. 2. A slumber party. 3. A drill. 4. A creepy neighbor. 5. Shower scene in the first 15 minutes. One of the girls looks like Peggy from “Married with Children” by way of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. She’s dating a 50 year old!? The freakazoid neighbor is some next level shit here. He’s stalking the house like a complete psycho, making creepy phone calls, and reading a book on human anatomy. Leather Jacket Frank is my new favorite character. He is way too cool for this movie.

The girls’ striptease action is interrupted when the boys sneak in and scare them. It’s pretty frickin’ great. Whoa, the killer is like a dang ninja. He dispatches our only black character with a realty sign. Two more items on the Slumber Party Massacre list: 6. Pizza delivery shenanigans. 7. Horny friend invites a boy over. The nerd character looks like Code Red Bill. Because Jackie left her address book at the beach, Kurt Cobain Lookalike Dude is snooping around now too. I just love teenagers so much.

Juliet tries to sleep with a dude but he was impotent so it’s inferred that he went down on her. Then she gets electrocuted in the bath by a plugin dildo. The list continues to grow. 8. Dead girl stuffed in a garment bag. 9. Useless boys go run for help. And this movie just got crazy. The only person who’s a bigger asshole than the killer is the cop who won’t send a damn patrol car around to the house. This movie has a really bleak edge to it. The killer in part III is crazy in a real-life serial killer kind of a way. Yikes! That’s what Jeffrey was warning me about. The faux Billy Idol song at the end is just disturbing enough to go along with the movie.

boogeyman

“I never seen a kiss this long!”

The Boogey Man (1980)

2:07pm

Now here’s another one that I’ve actually seen but not for many, many years. Wow, the Carpenter-esque score for this is kicking my ass! A typical scene from any American home in the 1950s starts when naughty mommy lets her skeevy boyfriend terrorize her children. Little sis helps her bro out by giving him a butcher knife and he makes them sandwiches for her with the crusts cut off. The end. Just kidding! Little Willy stabs the shithead duder to death and that makes me smile. I believe the children are our future.

Years later, Willy and his sister Lacey are all grown up and living in what looks like the Amityville Horror house! Willy is mute but he’s got nice overalls. Lacey has a kid and a loving husband but she’s been able to suppress her terrible sexual kinkiness that obviously runs in her family so I guess she’s kind of okay. Shit starts getting weird when their naughty mommy writes a letter to Lacey and Willy. Both kids are haunted by the memories of that night. I guess I would be too. I have always liked this one but man oh man, The Boogey Man is way better than I remember it. Fuck that lazy ass sequel.

Supernatural slasher! John Carradine! Exclamation points! Some horny chick is hitting on Willy and he nearly strangles her to death. What the pliggity plot is going on here? Plot? When Lacey and her husband visit her childhood home, she goes bananas after she sees that the man that Willy killed is staring at her from inside her mom’s old mirror. Her dumbass husband brings the offending reflective device home to help cure her and Willy of their trauma. Now a bunch of murders start happening when sharp and blunt objects start coming to life. Luckily, there’s some jerky teenagers lined up and ready to add to the body count. This is aggressively batshit crazy. I’ll say it again. Fuck that lazy ass sequel.

satansblade

“I just hope I have better luck with my first murder case than you had with yours.”

Satan’s Blade

3:37pm

Brad speaks very highly of this one so I’m pretty darn stoked. A knife flies into frame from nowhere and sticks into a tree and I ask, “Is that the Satan’s blade?” When it starts glowing red, I know that it’s not. The stilted acting kicks in almost immediately. Then a bank robbery ensues and a girl gets menaced with a blade that may be Satan’s blade but possibly not. Next, a girl gets shot and she milks her death scene for all it’s worth, taking several hours to fall down. This is friggin’ great so far! The bank robbers flee to their hideout and surprise, they’re all women. Grrl power!  Oh wait, is the leader of their gang a man? Boo! That’s penis power. And there’s the double cross. Or is that a triple cross?

Oh my God, this is getting better and better as each new goofball character shows up to drop a ton of exposition on us. The old lady who owns the lodge where all these fools are staying is simply outstanding. Where’s her damn Oscar? There’s an old local legend that is just ridiculous. We pause the film for dinner and it doesn’t go very well. I’m sure LeEtta won’t want me recording a rare culinary failure here but it was pretty funny. Orangey-brown zesty slime and okra over mushy rice is a dish that will probably never come back to the Schmidt house.

All of the women in this are just phenomenal, especially Rita who may not be from Earth. While the guys are busy getting drunk, she has a nightmare of a deranged killer stabbing friends to death. A prank is pulled and everyone ends up in their nighties wrestling in the snow. This film is probably going to be the best thing I watch in my entire life. Even the cops are perfect. Much like To All a Goodnight, I really like these characters and don’t want anything bad to happen to them. Why so much killing? That final title screen is so boss.

Smoke Break

Even though I’m feeling the moviethon haze creeping in and I just want to finish this damn thing, it’s time for a smoke. I grab a pipe, a tin of tobacco, and some Gatorade I didn’t finish during yardwork today. While the wind is blowing and the clouds are flying, I’m melting away in the deliciousness of pipe smoke. I shoot some texts back and forth with Brad about future moviethons and just enjoy watching the world go by. Okay, it’s time to start up again and finish this thing before I’m cut into little tiny pieces.

terrorattenkiller

“I try to help Leslie out but sometimes I feel… she’s just a born victim.”

Terror at Tenkiller (1986)

6:30pm

I have heard this is a piece of crap but once that drum machine kicks in, I’m very confident in my choice. A girl named Denise gets her throat slit and then her body is dumped in the lake while the soundtrack plays a warbling lament. After that, a busty girl named Leslie is swimming in a pool and some jerk named Josh wants to talk things over with her. Guess what I’ve never used… a frickin’ public shower! Her friend Jana scares the living daylights out of her. Guess what I’ve never had… a friend! Leslie wants to break up with Josh and I wholeheartedly endorse this.

They head out to a place called “Tenkiller” for some lakeside fun and all kinds of jaunty music follows them there. The girls are going swimming and just sunning themselves while an air of lingering dread creeps in. Maybe I’m imagining that lingering dread. This movie excels in melodrama and lady talk. Just like Satan’s Blade, there’s a legend or some such that might be important later. We follow a girl who works at a diner while a mysterious figure is stalking around outside. He’s Mister Canadian Tuxedo and he just killed her. Oh diner girl, we hardly knew ye.

The girls rent a boat from a dirty old man named Preacher and a young guy named Tor -who just killed the diner girl- and head out to the middle of nowhere to stay in a cabin. Things take a turn for the classy when I see they’re sharing a can of Slice. During some real talk about Josh from Jana, Leslie looks absolutely shell-shocked. The plot gets really complicated when the girls talk about working at the diner. Major revelation! On the first night, Preacher invites himself in but Jana says no. Then he stalks around smoking and watching the cabin. Tor shows up and he and Preacher have a conversation that is un-fucking-believable. It doesn’t end well for Preacher.

Tor gives us an eyeful from his short shorts when he sits on the lanai. LeEtta is not impressed. In an unexpectedly atmospheric scene, Leslie has a dream where Josh is playing a harmonica and beckoning to her from the woods. She goes outside and everything is foggy and eerie. I loved it! I’m way past the hour mark with this one and I don’t understand this movie’s bad reputation. While working late at the diner, Leslie is reading The Stand and that made me giggle. Tor kills people because his harmonica commands him? Maybe. Now I’m not saying it’s a necessity or anything -and it should in a no way speak to the quality of this film- but I needed to drink iced coffee during Terror at Tenkiller. This is an awesome movie.

lastslumberparty

“Let’s go rustle up some menfolk.”

The Last Slumber Party

8:20pm

Even though my brain feels like an old milkshake, I start the final film of the moviethon. I have heard lots of great things about The Last Slumber Party and that’s why I saved it for last. This opens with some serious rock music while a deranged mental patient who’s dressed like a surgeon is running amok. We cut to a high school classroom and the movie opens up its wonders to LeEtta and me. At the mental hospital, some funny dialog about a violent lunatic is just outrageous and grand. Then I notice this seems to have been shot on both video AND on film which makes it feel like two movies stitched together.

The teen slumber party elements mixed with the hospital stuff is making for a very intriguing concoction. LeEtta noticed that the girls are having a slumber party while the girl’s parents are home. I suggest that this is The Last Chaperoned Slumber Party. All of the guy characters are real cockfaces except for the class nerd. They pick on him and call him “Science”. Back at the slumber party, the girls are goofing off and drinking booze while the psycho surgeon is creeping about. The worst character just got killed and I cheered. The movie just improved substantially!

That’s the second Beegees poster in this moviethon! And the first Sesame Street poster. I can’t even process what’s going on in this movie. The girls are watching Forever Evil, one of my childhood trauma films! Dear reader, you need to see The Last Slumber Party for yourself. If you open up your heart to it, you will live forever, I promise. Between the multiple film stocks and cameras and stupendously baffling bullshit of the screenplay, my mind has been dismantled and reassembled incorrectly. I hope there’s a 1-800 number at the end of the film to some kind of Last Slumber Party support network.

Conclusion

Slasher movies are just good melodramas with a couple of murders thrown in. For instance, Terror at Tenkiller felt exactly like a Me Generation leftover like Savage Weekend but way, way more sedate or possibly in a coma. I can’t believe so many unseen films ended up being so rewarding. That being said, The Boogey Man and Graduation Day have inspired me to make sure that next time the old favorites will be populating the playlist in a big way. Everything went perfectly this time around except for the sleaze factor of Slumber Party Massacre III. That one was just gross. See you next time, you dang murderers.

Final Stats

Boobies: 34

Butts: 5

Wieners: 0

Body Count: 120