Italian horror

Giallo Meltdown: Thirteen Boogers In A Black Cat’s Eye

Hi there. This moviethon is going to be the third chapter of Giallo Meltdown volume 2, a book that is still currently being written! To check out more, be sure to grab yourself a copy of the first Giallo Meltdown right here. I should probably also say that there are some minor spoilers ahead though I never reveal the identity of the killer or major plot twists. I recommend you seek these films out if you can! On with the show…

 

 

Some giallo purists out there say that the heyday of the giallo genre ended in 1972 when the popularity of the films had reached their peak. There’s some great stuff that came after that from directors that didn’t get the memo and thus, some of my favorites didn’t even see theaters until 1975. Personally, I give the glory days of the giallo a much longer shelf life and take it all the way to 1982 when Dario Argento unleashed Tenebre upon an unsuspecting world. But the giallo didn’t stop there! They kept making the damned things for what appears to be kind of forever, often incorporating other genres and trendy film techniques to satisfy audiences. So, I’m headed back to Italy to see just what these latter-day offerings were all about.

 

FRIDAY

 

On the way to work this morning, the lady in the car behind me was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes while eating an ice cream sandwich. I started singing to her, “Girl! I wish I had your life!”, but she couldn’t hear me. Work was pretty humdrum today. Thanks to the pandemic, I only go in one day a week and I work all alone in the big office myself. This is how the killer is going to find me. We just had a tropical storm blow through this week and it left behind some decent weather. But it’s frickin’ November in Florida, so anything under 85 degrees is considered decent.

I picked up a big Italian sandwich for myself and a baked potato for LeEtta from Jason’s Deli and we eat while watching Rick Steves travel through Italy. We love Rick. This moviethon contains an almost entirely “unseen by me” lineup and that excites me! After my ceremonial shot of J&B was tolerated (barely), I proclaimed that it was time to get started.

 

“I don’t want to end up like a larvae!”

5:48PM

BAD INCLINATION (2003)

 

I hated this film so much the first time I watched it that I refused to include it in the first volume of Giallo Meltdown. But my tastes have changed and I’m ready to give this very late entry another go. A woman preparing herself a giant meal of meat is accosted by a black-gloved killer in her home. He gropes her and then stabs her to death with a giant setsquare. There’s some familiar faces in this including Florinda Bolkan, Franco Nero, and Eva Robbins of Tenebre (1982). The acting is all over the place, the script is hideous, and the dubbing is beyond terrible! I’m kinda loving this.

Bolkan plays Mirta, an artist/art historian who’s trying to con a dumb idiot into buying some forged antiques from her. She catches a girl named Donatella breaking into her car but decides to help her out. She confesses to Donatella that she’s dying and guilts her into helping commit suicide. Meanwhile, the lovely detective Rita is on the case of The Setsquare Killer. More importantly, Florinda Bolkan is walking her wiener dog named Van Gogh and she picks up his enormous (fake) turd so that she can put it in the bed of her nosy maid. She’s a stinker.

So much crazy shit is happening that I’m beginning to lose my mind already. One of the freewheelin’ ladies that lives in the building where the murder was committed has Axel Foley’s theme song as her ringtone. It interrupts her trying to bang some random dude who lives on her floor. A cop investigating a second murder with a setsquare says, “As yet, I don’t want to express an opinion.” A lady who wears feather underwear takes her cat for a walk but this cat has clearly never even seen a harness much less actually been walked by a human. And the calls from the killer sound like a little kid trying to sound scary.

Multiple characters living in the very same building are copying the killer’s methods in order to get away with their own murders. That’s just wild. Detective Rita goes on the Internet and uses a search engine called “MetaWeb”. That’s so old school that it probably never existed. Hooker bonfire! Lascivious sex! While I prefer this director’s other film Bugie Rosse (1993), Bad Inclination is a lot of cheesed out fun. It’s impossible to take seriously but the locations are gorgeous, and the camerawork is decent. Bonus: the ending is as abrupt as it is baffling.

 

“It’s best if I don’t think.”

7:25PM

SQUILLO (1996)

 

Carlo Vanzina, director of Nothing Underneath (1985), brings us Squillo. I like to lean out the window and scream “Skweeelooooo!” and the ladies come runnin’. All I’ve heard from folks is that this movie is pretty terrible. I’ll just see about that! The dubbing is also um… hideous! A poor Polish farmgirl named Eva witnesses the fall of the Berlin Wall and then grows up to be a high-class call girl in Milan. Her younger sister Maria shows up from Poland to hang out and then Eva immediately disappears. She goes to cops and meets up with Inspector Tony Ponytail (Raz Degan), a sarcastic pretty boy who looks like a romance novel reject.

In order to find out what happened to her sister, Maria dresses up like a sexbot, pretends to be Eva, and goes on a double date with Barbara, another prostitute. One of their dates looks like Eric Idle. All of this has to do with a company called NEOTECH. They must be the creators of “MetaWeb” which means that Squillo and Bad Inclination are from the same cinematic universe! Please, let Tony Stark be one of Eva’s clients! Well, the two films do have dreadful acting in common, but that’s about it so far. The cinematography on this one is by the amazing Luigi Kuveiller and the score is by musical magician Pino Donaggio.

Maria and inspector Tony have teamed up and are using a baby monitor to stay in contact during her undercover work. Paul Freeman, a fine actor of many, many films is in this as a bigshot client who hires Maria for some naughtiness. Maybe he wants her to pour Jello on his calves or squeeze his throw pillows. Either way, I’m slipping out of my khakis right now just in case things get nasty. Maria is having trouble getting used to the prostituting side of prostitution. After another successful night of giving her sister’s clients blue balls, Tony and Maria hook up. After their romantic talkin’, LeEtta looks at me and says, “Oh, this is so bad. So bad.”

If our lead characters were likeable, that’d be nice. But they’re not. Vanzina sure does like his sepia-toned flashbacks. Oh brother. This is turning into a nightmare. It just goes to show that you can make a big glossy movie with attractive people and it’s still a chore to sit through when the script is torturously bland. I hate to harsh on a movie this badly, but my pet peeve showed up. I hate when characters narrate their thoughts out loud just in case the audience is too dumb to follow along. We’re not! At least Bad Inclination was cheap and bad. The ending of this is a huge letdown as well. Carlo, what happened?

“Normality is his hideout.”

9:12PM

THE MONSTER OF FLORENCE (1986)

 

From the famously bad to the infamous, I go venturing into true crime territory. This is one of at least three films made about the as yet unsolved Italian serial killer case but that’s not important. What is important is that I’m the Monster of Florence. I began my killing spree before I was born and then stopped when I was nine years old because I was scared of getting caught. Please, arrest me. Suave badass Leonard Mann of Death Steps in the Dark (1977) is in this as a no-nonsense reporter with humongous sunglasses. He and his photographer cronies are relentless at getting the gory details even sneaking photos of the corpses when the cops aren’t looking.

Welcome to the moviethon, Gabriele Tinti! He plays Andreas, a writer who’s been working on a book about the case for years. His girlfriend Giulia (Bettina Giovannini), a journalist herself, encourages Enrico to keep working on his book despite how conflicted he feels about it. I love how claustrophobic and haunting this film feels. The dread starts creeping in almost  immediately, and the score by Paolo Rustichelli is kicking ass. Now the film segues into gritty reenactments of the crimes. These are obviously staged because I’m not there.

Andreas and Giulia go see a production of Verdi’s Othello where it looks and sounds as though the actors onstage are lip-syncing to an old record. They run into Enrico and his ditzy lady friend at the opera house, but Andreas is too distracted by the case. He’s getting paranoid and looking for clues everywhere he goes. I’m very happy to report that it feels really good to finally be watching a real movie with a great cast and good writing tonight. The biggest criticism I can make is that this movie is about as subtle as a bullet to the face, especially when we get to see the killer’s life when he’s not out in the night blowing people away.

This movie is brutal and the fact that the killer looks vaguely like Ted Raimi might be my best alibi as no one has ever told me that I look like Ted Raimi. Do I? DO I?! You should call the police and have him arrested. I’m innocent! This is such a strange film and must’ve been really weird for the Italian public to go see a film made just a year after the most recent murders had been committed. So that’s what ties this film in with the first two we watched tonight: tackiness. This is some truly tacky shit and yet, I am digging this movie, y’all.

 

SATURDAY

 

I dreamt too many dreams though nothing giallo-like. The one I remember the best was having dinner with some extended family and doing my Robert DeNiro impression which is just me saying “You had your chance AND THEN YOU BLEW IT!” Did Al Pacino say that? We woke up to cats crawling on us, insisting we get started. After LeEtta’s homemade apple cinnamon and raisin muffins and a tangerine, we jumped right into chores. After that fun stuff, I went out to buy lottery tickets and then drive 16 miles round trip just to get TacoSon. Thanks to a bad accident on Busch Boulevard, I had to cut through a very spicy section of Tampa where a lady was screaming, laughing, and spitting on cars. She was wielding either a broom or a mop. The tacos were worth the hassle and of course, I ate too much. The day was disappearing.

 

“I’ve dragged you into a nightmare.”

12:53PM

TULPA: DEMON OF DESIRE (2012)

 

Extra special thanks goes out to my bud Justin Kosch for hooking me up many years ago with the following trilogy of films. This opens with some very sensual SEXophone music and some kinky sex. A guy who looks like Adrian Brody’s uncle ties a woman to a bed with some very elaborate knots. Ball gags are never a good sign. He doesn’t get to enjoy himself because a black-gloved killer shows up and kills him to death. The killer cuts off his manly bits and puts them right in front of the girl’s face. Now that’s a real ball gag! According to the credits, legendary screenwriter Dardano Sacchetti worked on this badboy.

By day, the lovely Lisa (Claudia Gerini) works for a generic corporation that buys stocks and has intense meetings about stuff. By night, she gets dolled up and goes to an underground sex club to get her freak on. While out with a friend in the park, she sees one of the girls from the club picking up a John. That night, the girl is chased and brutally murdered by the killer with a merry-go-round and barbed wire. Don’t ask. Lisa’s boss can’t keep his hands to himself which hopefully means he’s gonna get his dingle cut off too. We get to see inside the sex club, and it feels like it’s inside the city limits of Twin Peaks.

Another one of Lisa’s lady friends gets killed in a very sadistic way by the killer. That’s not nice. When she reads in the newspaper about the killings, she freaks out and goes to the club to get the contact info of a guy who works there. Marla, Lisa’s bitchy rival from work, follows her there and takes a picture of her going inside. That’s not nice at all. Well, if you’re going to make a throwback to the golden age of the psychosexual giallo, then this is the way to do it. Tulpa is colorful, trashy, ludicrously violent, and sports a decent music score. It’s not earth-shatteringly original or anything but I dig it well enough.

“What a friggin’ mess. Fuck you!”

2:25PM

ALMOST BLUE (2000)

 

I’ve been hearing about this movie for a very long time and I keep forgetting to watch it. I suppose that now is a good time to do that since I have put the DVD on and it is currently playing. A police task force is trying to catch a serial killer who targets college students. They call in a profiler/computer expert named Grazia Negro (Lorenza Indovina) to track him down. We’ve got a techno thriller on our hands here, people. Better check in with my AOL chatroom in Linux and see if I have enough RAM to handle this. A blind hacker named (Claudio Santamaria) Simone finds out the identity of the killer’s next victim and contacts Grazia. Shock of all shocks, they don’t get there in time. Whoa, this film is crazy stylish so far.

I haven’t been this excited about cloned cell phones in a very long time. That must mean we don’t watch NCIS anymore. Every time the killer strikes, he steals the victim’s clothes and identity and then moves on. This color palette is reminding me of Thesis (1996), a film that I’m way overdue for a rewatch of. Since Simone the blind dude knows the sound of the killer’s voice, Grazia and her colleagues take him to a party they suspect that he’s going to attend. Good plan! Everything goes to shit but also, it’s a complete clusterfuck. LeEtta says everything is going to be okay because in gialli, the cops never solve the case themselves anyway. This movie is just crazy. I liked it but I will say no more so I don’t spoil anything.

 

DINNER AND CIGAR BREAK

 

In order to stick to our Italian theme, LeEtta made us quesadillas from some left-over ground beef she had. Tacos for lunch and quesadillas for dinner? Hillsborough County sent over a representative in a gas mask to let us know that we were violating the Fart Ordinance. After dinner, I retreated out to the carpark for a silky smooth El Centurion cigar and a pineapple soda. While listening to giallo soundtracks, I read Stephen Thrower’s giallo introduction in his book, Beyond Terror: The Films of Lucio Fulci. The sun set crazy early so after a while, I just enjoyed the evening air and watched my neighbors go about their business.

 

“I don’t trust anyone anymore.”

5:53PM

THE VANITY SERUM (2004)

 

And I just made this an Alex Infascelli double feature! After nearly dying during an arrest gone wrong, bitter ex-detective Lucia (Margherita Buy) is now being called in to help her ex-husband/old partner with a new case. A popular live talk show hosted by the popular personality Sonia Norton (Francesca Neri) goes off the rails when a famous psychologist named Dr. Benda gets his comeuppance. He storms off the set and then is drugged and kidnapped. Then a comedian who plays a farting cow on a popular children’s show is also kidnapped. As they investigate these disappearances, they find out more cases are tied to the same episode of the Sonia Norton show.

The cops are running around trying to protect the other guests but they’re not having much luck Another dude from the show is kidnapped after lasciviously biting into a hotdog while naked. I tell you, there’s a fetish for everything. They manage to get to Azzurra (Barbora Bobulova), a former Miss Italy (and now coked up loser) before she too gets gotten. Oops, spoke too soon. The cops screw it up and now Azzurra has been taken as well. Gee, I’m noticing a theme between the two films. All the kidnapped celebs are being held in cages in some weird underground bunker.

After this colossal screw-up, Lucia is thrown off the case and fired (even though LeEtta and I both thought she wasn’t employed). With nothing else to do but wallow in self-pity, she starts looking into the case on her own. I already like this more than Almost Blue. The score by Marco Castoldi is kicking ass and adding to the tense atmosphere of this bizarre and delightfully cynical movie. This is too good to spoil. All I have left to say is you have to seek this one out for yourself.

 

“This is a shitty film anyway.”

7:31PM

MASSACRE (1989)

 

A cool dude in mirrored shades and red mittens is cruising down the street to some bitchin’ 80s video game music. He sees a prostitute by the road, pulls over, and then hacks her to death with a hatchet and a switchblade in broad daylight. The credits read “Lucio Fulci presents… An Andrea Biachi film” and I say to that, “God help us.” Now we cut to a satanic ritual in a graveyard with hooded figures and a lady who looks vaguely like Caroline Munro who’s rather perturbed to be waking up in the middle of it all. Oh dang, this is a movie set. Jennifer is the star and she decides to take the night off. The rumors are that she’s a lesbian but back at the hotel she’s taking a shower with a hunky dude. Frankly, I’m shocked.

The director (Maurice Poli), who isn’t satisfied with the fantasy elements of the horror film they’re making, has decided to stage a séance to achieve maximum realism in their movie. The crew who’ve been working hard on the special effects are understandably pissed off about this change of direction. Meanwhile a handsome young police detective is trying to solve the murder of the prostitute. Apparently, this was the work of a serial killer and the cop’s boss (Paul Muller!) is very angry at him for not having solved the case already.

Not too surprising, this is daft already and potentially magical. There’s been a clumsy offer for lesbian sex, an extended striptease, and a four-alarm gay stereotype already. The kookiest séance I’ve ever seen just happened and I’m feeling very good about it. According to the medium, the wrong spirit guide showed up and it must be a teetotaler because he smashed all the booze at the bar. Drunk hottie Lisa, who might be an actress or not, winds up murdered and her body staged on the strangest merry-go-round I’ve ever seen. And I just found out that the movie they’re making is called Dirty Blood. Holy carp.

The cops consulted a computer and it told them there are two different killers at work. They should ask it to got ahead and solve the case because an important film like Dirty Blood must get finished no matter what the cost. Thankfully, the ghost didn’t destroy the bottle of J&B featured prominently in the big important scene where members of the film crew were being bitchy to each other. The more they show of Dirty Blood, the less I understand what it’s about. This is some seriously cheap and stupid crap. I’m smitten. Massacre might be my favorite of this entire moviethon.

 

“You think I care about your stupid gialli?”

9:30PM

DELITTI (1987)

 

This opens with a woman talking directly to the camera about a traumatic event that happened to her. From what I’ve read about Delitti, I think she might be speaking about working on this film. A double murder at a villa has taken place and the cops are grilling the suspects. When they lift up the sheet covering one of the bodies, the victim’s face looks like a big pile of lasagna. I’m not trying to be funny; it really looks like lasagna. Then the opening credits kick in with a tune that sounds like a cross between Duran Duran and Flock of Seagulls, but in a bad way. This was directed by Giovanna Lenzi who is probably not related to Umberto Lenzi. And the budget appears to be even lower than Massacre’s.

The script is horrid. Here’s an example. Harriette and Susan, two girls who were at the villa the night of the murder, are worried that the killer might come after them. They’re doing mild aerobics together. Harriette starts to strangle Susan, calms down, tries to comfort her even though she was just strangling her, makes a half-hearted pass at her, and then gets in the shower with all of her clothes on. And then we’re off to another scene with people talking about stuff. The detective looks like Great Value Columbo™ played by a bearded Stacy Keach impersonator. When he goes to work, there are not one but two maps on the wall so that the audience knows that it’s a police station. Now he’s chasing a little person who claims to know the killer.

Apaprently, the killer’s method is using a poison that interacts with sugar in a person’s coffee. If they don’t use sugar then nothing happens. But if they happen to use sugar, then the poison is like acid and it turns the victim’s face into a sloppy mess (or “mummified” according to the detective). There is also a healthy dose of music lifted directly from A Blade in the Dark (1982) in the music score. Classy. A lady spends approximately 10 minutes of film time and all of her dignity trying to seduce her lover. Then she runs off to the bathroom so that she can spray deodorant on her thighs. When they finally have sex, he keeps his pajamas on.

If you wanted to make the case that this is the worst giallo of all time, I couldn’t argue with you. But honestly, this is kind of great. It will take me years to figure out what in the world is even going on. Susan runs to a phone booth to call the detective and then she’s menaced by a guy in trenchcoat. He takes off his coat and challenges her to a dance-off. His moves are sick as fuck. LeEtta and I are shook. That dude looks familiar. It’s Saverio Vallone of Antropophagus (1980). And that’s George Ardisson of Date for a Murder (1967). The poor bastards. The detective’s daughter reads gialli and keeps telling him how the cop in her novel is a failure just like he is. I could love this film if it wasn’t 96 damn minutes long. It’s almost bad movie gold. Oh well. Goodnight.

 

SUNDAY

 

This time, my dreams were super cool and full of giallo imagery. Just kidding, no black-gloved killers but they were pretty weird. The one I can remember best is that my dad was Kurt Russell and our family made money by building armor and weapons for collectors. I got in trouble because I was playing with his throwing knives and had screwed them up by breaking the tips off the blades. Dad understood but insisted I work in his shop to pay for their replacements. I got up early and ran out to Einstein Bagels for bagel sandwiches. After that, we got started on the yard work. The hot weather was back and it was pretty awful; though we did see a spider we’d never seen before called a Spiny Orb Weaver. So cute! After we eat a frozen pizza for lunch, it was time to get back to the bullshit.

 

“Oh my goodness! My horoscope said there’d be an exceptional occurrence today.”

12:35PM

APPOINTMENT IN BLACK (1990)

 

Moody opening music over a black screen and t-shirt-style font credits should be troubling, but I’m assured that this is a “REAL Film Production”. Then the movie goes right into the brutal rape of a young girl. I keep waiting for it to cut away. It doesn’t. Somehow, I get through this without shutting it off. After a “15 years later” title card, a sexy woman named Angela, played by Mirella Banti of Tenebre (1982), is driving along, smiling at herself in the rearview mirror, and listening to some strident garbage rock which LeEtta says sounds like the “Beverly Hills, 90210” theme. Angela goes to a porno theater where she insults some hornballs who’re checking her out.

Angela gets attacked offscreen in the theater toilet and a sleazy guy acts suspiciously. While she’s reporting the details of this attack to a female police inspector, played by Sonia Viviani of Nightmare City (1980), her husband John is at home banging Eva, his blond mistress. When he finds out that she was raped, he confides to his lover that he wishes that Angela had been killed by the rapist. As soon as Angela goes to bed, he goes back to sucking on Eva’s panties. John is an animal. The romantic music sounds like an anal trumpeter spitting his butt wind into the audience’s sad, unprotected ears.

The projectionist from the theater approaches Angela to tell her that he saw the whole incident where she faked being raped. He wants money and he starts raping her. Get me out of here. Angela and John throw a fancy party where all of his asshole socialite friends talk shit about her. So she gets a little too drunk and does a striptease. The only moment of light in this dogshit is when Angela asks the band to play something with some sex in it. The band proceeds to play a happy Lawrence Welk-style floppy dong polka. It’s awesome. Now Angela is being harassed by a man claiming to be her attacker. John and Eva are up to some sneaky shit but Angela is beginning to make some plans of her own.

The most giallo-like thing to happen so far is that someone left a bloody doll in Angela’s car with a switchblade stuck in its face. Ooh, the man who raped Angela as a child died a very horrible death. Hell yes! His dick didn’t get cut off and fed to him but I’ll take what I can get. John and Eva have at least a half a dozen sex scenes in this so that same love scene theme music keeps playing. And here come the double crosses and the triple crosses. Who cares? Other than a couple of decent, atmospheric moments, I highly recommend skipping this fucking trash.

 

“Wanna do a porno gig? Just the three of us?”

2:15PM

OBSESSION: A TASTE FOR FEAR (1988)

 

I love how someone ripped this from their laserdisc copy. Thank you, whoever you are. This opens quite strikingly with a giallo villainess menacing a girl with a huge silver 9mm pistol. Diane (Virginia Hey) the photographer is pissed off because the model isn’t good enough at portraying fear on film. Oh brother, this is a high-tech movie with pointless computer screens everywhere. After making her assistant Valerie (Gioia Scola), who’s clearly in love with her, scrub her back in the shower, she meets up with her smug douchebag ex-husband Georges (Gérard Darmon) in his limo. He gives her an assignment to seduce a rich guy for him.

That night, Diane goes to hunt her prey at a fancy nightclub that has little people dancing onstage, people having sex in the booths, and bodybuilders mixing with the crowd. I guess it worked because we see her screwing the guy in the nightclub. At yet another gaudy fashion shoot, Diane is being a dick. When a bodybuilder chick cuts herself, she demands Valerie touch the wound so she can photograph it. Valerie refuses and they shut down for the day. Later, the bodybuilder chick goes to a private videotape session where a killer in black gloves ties her up. She turns up dead and sealed up in a giant bag. Also of note: Diane is narrating this insanity.

Thanks to Diane’s inefficiently sleek car and other weird gadgetry, LeEtta and I just realized that this takes place in the future, as imagined by the people of 1988. That explains the weird sets and everyone acting like aliens. But that doesn’t explain how pretentious this movie is. The police detective looks like he escaped from an episode of “Miami Vice”. Diane gets real sad about the death of the bodybuilder and cries naked while rocking a slammin’ dope jam called “Midnight Blue” by Lou Gramm of Foreigner. This song is so good that I want to rip off my ears and shove them up my urethra. Seriously, this would be a lot better if Diane wasn’t such a jerk. It wouldn’t hurt the movie at all. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t shamin’. I like that she screws everything in sight. She’s just an asshole.

At least Obsession: A Taste for Fear is pretty to look at. There’s so many saturated colors and eye-popping visuals going on that it’s easy to forget that very little is happening. Another bonus is that this is a real movie unlike that lumpy turd called Appointment in Black. Somebody just tried to run over the cop and he shot at their jeep with a gosh darn laser gun. We are on fire in here, bro! Another murder happens and someone yells, “You police pig!” Between the wall-to-wall nudity, the techno gobbledygook, campy soundtrack, and nearly every character acting like a dickbagel, this movie is a lot to take in. It’s certainly unique, I’ll give it that.

 

DINNER

 

LeEtta made bacon and broccoli carbonara and it was delicious. While she was preparing it, I laid in the recliner and rested my eyes. I took an allergy pill before bed and felt totally wiped out. After dinner, I washed dishes so that LeEtta wouldn’t suspect that I was a total waste of space.  With a glass of iced coffee and a bag of black licorice by my side, I was ready for another movie.

 

“You can be a great archeologist and still be a fink.”

4:40PM

THE SCORPION WITH TWO TAILS (1982)

 

I know next to nothing about this Sergio Martino joint other than it’s got Paolo Malco AND John Saxon in it. A New Yorker named Joan (Elvire Audray) has been having weird dreams about the ancient civilization of the Etruscans lately. Her husband is the scrumptious John Saxon, an archeologist who’s been studying the Etruscans over in Italy. These things could be connected. When Saxon is about to ship crates of loot back to New York, somebody sneaks up on him and twists his dang head around backwards! Despite the protestations of her dad (Van freakin’ Johnson), Joan heads to Italy with her husband’s flirty colleague Mike (Paolo Malco).

One of my giallo crushes, Marilù Tolo of My Dear Killer (1972), is here as a rich countess that Joan’s husband was staying with when he got killed. She’s not providing any useful information. A bunch of Fabio Frizzi’s music queues from City of the Living Dead (1980) are mixed into this score. I ain’t complainin’. One of John Saxon’s former colleagues gives Joan an Etruscan pendant of a scorpion with two tails. There’s a fashion shoot with some sexy models happening in some of the ruins. I hope that Diane doesn’t show up and starts screwing everybody. Now Joan’s visions are getting weirder, featuring mysterious Etruscan people and maggots, lots of maggots. I have no clue where this is going but I wish I’d seen it years ago.

Back in New York, Joan’s dad is going through the crates sent by John Saxon and not finding a certain something that was supposed to be stashed inside. Now he’s in trouble with some gangsters and is practically in tears while holding an Estruscan vase. He’s a real Mulligan. Meanwhile, a vagabond flautist tells Joan some cryptic nonsense and tells her she’s the “bringer of gifts”. With all the maggots, fake bats, that music score, and obtuse dialog, I don’t know how this isn’t a Fulci movie. Ruh roh, Joan’s dad just arrived in Italy. but Joan is missing. An assassin in black motorcycle gear sporting a weird pistol shows up and a funny sped up car chase ensues.

More people get their heads twisted and Van Johnson is chewing the scenery and holy heck, we’re only at the halfway mark of this weirdness. Whoa, Claudio Cassinelli of The Suspicious Death of a Minor (1975) just popped up in this as Paolo the archaeologist. He informs Joan that he and his team just uncovered a portrait that looks exactly like her in an old tomb. While Paolo and Joan are out looking for clues, they go see a photographer who has a big honkin’ rebel flag in his studio. The south of Italy will rise again? Holy shit, this has one of the most improbable and bonkers twists in it that I’ve ever seen. What did I just watch?

 

“It’s all a joke, right?”

6:24PM

THE MURDER SECRET (1988)

 

Lucio Fulci presents… another film he had nothing to do with. This one is directed by Mario Bianchi, so you know it’s gonna be totally better than Massacre. Don’t tell Andrea I said that! A woman in an asylum has visions or flashbacks of a man driving a car. She’s got dark circles under her eyes and she’s throwing a fit. I know just how she feels. Oh wait, these are memories of Aunt Martha. Gabriele Tinti plays Richard and he was in the asylum as a kid watching his aunt lose her mind. He and his family are on their way to see his estranged Aunt Martha out in the countryside.

Maurice Poli is back again. He must have owed the Bianchi brothers some money or something. He’s got Aunt Martha’s place spotless and ready for visitors but there’s one room that they must never go in. That’s always a good sign. Richard’s cute and horny wife is played by Adriana Russo of A Whisper in the Dark (1976) and The Face with Two Left Feet (1979). Their eldest son shows up in their bedroom in the middle of the night with a shotgun. No, this isn’t the Amityville murders. It’s just -well, I don’t know what it is. The biggest mystery is why crazy Aunt Martha invited them out here and hasn’t shown up yet. Spooky!

Their daughter Georgia (Jessica Moore) acts like a teenager but she’s built like a woman. She tries on Aunt Martha’s nightgown and gets scolded by a disembodied voice for her transgression. Then her bucktoothed nitwit brother named Maurice (wah-wow!) sneaks in, trying to scare her. Later, Maurice gets up in the middle of the night and stares at the staticky TV like a zombie. When strange stuff happens, Richard looks around with his shifty eyes and doesn’t give a clear answer to anything. Not to worry, a black gloved killer shows up and starts making trouble of the butcher knife and chainsaw variety. I am so into this. And it has the longest man on man non-nude grappling scene ever made.

“Everyone is happy today because someone is going to die!”

8:09PM

FORMULA FOR A MURDER (1985)

 

Here’s another film that slipped through the cracks while I was working on the first book. My only concrete memory of it is that I thought it was too long. Let’s see how it holds up this time. Alberto de Martino, you beautiful son of a gun! I’ve missed you. A priest carrying a creepy baby doll is menacing a little girl on a very steep set of stone stairs. Francesco de Masi is getting freaky with the synths for this opening music. After the stylish slow-motion opening, there’s some priest-on-priest crime.

Wheelchair-bound Joanna (Christina Nagy) is getting some physical therapy from dreamboat Craig (David Warbeck). He’s teaching her fencing, archery, karate, marksmanship, and bomb diffusing. Craig is flirting with Joanna and her sexy assistant pal Ruth isn’t happy about that. Once those pesky American exteriors are out of the way, Joanna goes home and we’re instantly in Rome. Ruth likes to give angry massages, especially when she finds out that Craig has asked Joanna to marry him. There’s a lot of confusing medical stuff with Joanna. She says she can’t laugh without pressing her diaphragm and then she laughs just a moment later.

Her doctor is played by the wildly prolific Rossano Brazzi of Psychout for Murder (1969) and a whole mess of other things. He informs Craig to be careful on their wedding night because as a kid, Joanna was raped by a phony priest and fell down a flight of stairs. Other than her blood curdling screams of pleasure, their wedding night goes exceedingly well. Soon, Joanna begins to see visions of the evil priest holding a bloody baby doll that taunts her with a creepy voice.

Just to add more priests to the mix, Father Davis shows up. It’s Loris Loddi. I’ve seen him before in the wacky Miami Golem (also 1985) and Ruggero Deodato’s Phantom of Death (1988). And now he’s out of the movie. Oops! One thing about this movie is that it shows its cards way too early. I think de Martino and screenwriter Vincenzo Mannino should’ve held off just a bit longer before letting us in on the game. Luckily, there’s lots of style scattered throughout to keep things lively. De Masi, naughty or lazy little devil that he is, inserted the main melody from New York Ripper (1982) into the score when Joanna and Craig are driving to the ferry. Love it. That’s it, I gotta tap out. Later, folks.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS

 

Another moviethon has come and gone. I had a feeling that I shouldn’t have ended on Formula for a Murder and I was right. It’s decent but the movie, even though it’s only 85 minutes, is just one idea is stretched out far too thin to not get dull. As usual, I didn’t get to all of the humongous stack that I always pick for myself at the start of these things. The twenty films I picked out were just never going to happen, but I’m cool with that because it means there’s just more material for even more chapters later. Isn’t that a refreshing attitude? Please clap.

The Vampire and the Ballerina

The Vampire and the Ballerina (1960)

A rock and roll ballet troupe stays in the countryside in order to practice before their next gig. The nearby village lives in fear of a local vampire who inhabits a medieval castle nicknamed “the Castle of the Damned”. One of the dancers, Louisa (Helene Romy) gets bitten by the vampire and her friend Francesca (Tina Gloriani) tries to save her from becoming enslaved by the undead. If I go any further into this convoluted plot with its extraneous characters, we’ll be here for a couple of hours.

Equal parts early 1960s pop-kitsch and gothic horror, Renato Polselli’s The Vampire and the Ballerina is a wacky good time flick. Aside from its silliness, the biggest problem with this movie is the pacing. It drags towards the end but it’s worth sticking it out. Bad movie enthusiasts will no doubt be able to get a laugh out of the incredibly cheesy dialog and half-assed dance sequences. Fans of the Italian gothics will enjoy the beautiful scenery, moody cinematography and effective lighting. The soundtrack by Aldo Piga is nothing to get excited about as it seems just a tad old fashioned though the upbeat pieces for the dance numbers are decent enough.

While it is completely tame by today’s standards, this flick is quite the sexualized little vampire tale and things get pretty hot and heavy. The vampire’s bite causes a rapturous sexual frenzy in his (always female) victims. Ladies affected by fangy charms look like they’re about to cream their dang jeans (or leotards, in this case). To add to the naughtiness, all of the female characters in this movie show a lot of skin. There’s plenty of practically see-through nighties and low-cut gowns (don’t forget those leotards!) to keep you perverts out there satisfied (or thoroughly teased).

Polselli would go on to direct some real trash in the 70s like the idiotic giallo Delirium and the supernatural head scratcher The Reincarnation of Isabel. On a much more successful note, this is insanely prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi’s first writing credit and I have to say this is pretty good, all things considered. The Vampire and the Ballerina is a humble, awkwardly plotted but fun beginning of a nearly 40 year screenwriting career. This man lent his talents to so many incredible films, that it is simply mind-boggling for an Italian film nut like me to even ponder.

The Vampire and the Ballerina is a lot of fun thanks to its hilarious badness but there is enough decent material stashed in the camp to make this a worthwhile Italian horror film. There is also strange twist to the vampire legend here (elaborated on below) and some weird, painfully obvious sexual overtones. I can’t say much good about the makeup though; the vampire looks like a crappy old lady with a skin condition. It just made me sad and I want to wish him luck. Good luck, buddy.

“Get back into your coffin; it is your coach to the land of the living dead!”

Tragic Ceremony

Tragic Ceremony (1972)

One stormy night, four friends, led by rich boy Bill (Tony Isbert), run out of gas while returning from a camping trip and stop at a mansion for help. The lord of the house (played by Luigi Pistilli) invites them in but he is distracted by the group of Satanists he is entertaining. When one of the four friends, Jane (Camille Keaton), is to be used as a sacrifice in a ritual, Bill and his friends step in. After Bill accidentally kills the lady of the house (Luciana Paluzzi), the entire group of Satanists goes berserk and the night ends in bloodshed. The four friends flee the mansion with their lives but have no idea that there are still in grave danger.

One of Italy’s unsung heroes of horror, Riccardo Freda, directs this follow up to his 1971 giallo The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire. Though Tragic Ceremony takes a while to get going and is a little confusing (intentionally?), I can’t help but be happy about its DVD debut. The film is definitely a bizarre one. Its plot is as shaky as the sometimes inept yet elegant cinematography. How does that work? The lighting is acceptable but there are some occasional moments of brilliance. I really like Stelvio Cipriani’s sweeping, melodramatic, and overly sentimental score for the film.

Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave is quite good as Jane, the haunted, strange, and sometimes callous young woman that everybody (especially the Satanists) wants a piece of. Surprisingly, the main male actors in Tragic Ceremony are pretty dang good (not what I was expecting). While they may have some weak dialogue to contend with, Tony Isbert (I find that very amusing (is he really Bert?)), Máximo Valverde, and Giovanni Petrucci, all still manage to perform competently in this weird and somewhat wandering horror film.

My only gripe about the casting is that the late and oh so very great Luigi Pistilli is totally wasted in his brief role. Maybe he did it as a favor to the director but I was kind of disappointed by what is little more than an extended cameo. What can I say? This intense and charismatic guy is one of my favorites. Check out Your Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key for one of his finest performances.

Those uninitiated into the world of Eurohorror might be alienated by this odd little number but diehard fans of the genre (and fans of Riccardo Freda especially) need to check out Tragic Ceremony. This flick has got some silly ass psychobabble, gratuitous nudity, supernatural hokum, ludicrously over-the-top gore, and even some sweet, sweet gothic excesses tossed in for good measure. Don’t let the meandering and fairly obvious plot put you off. I’m telling you, this one is worth it.

“The lady had exceptional mediumistic powers.”

Spirits of Death

Spirits of Death (1972)

Mariale (Ida Galli AKA Evelyn Stewart) has recurring visions of her mother’s murder at the hands of her father when she was a child. The grief and the horror of this incident has turned her into something of a shut-in. Her husband Paolo (Luigi Pistilli) keeps her in their castle away from others and keeps her doped up for her own good. When Mariale decides to throw a party with a bunch of she and Paolo’s wacky friends, things quickly get out of hand. The party turns into a decadent feast. Did I mention that Massimo (Ivan Rassimov), Mariale’s old flame, is one of the guests attending this little soiree? Oh shit! Tensions begin to rise and soon the party guests start dropping like dang flies at the hands of a brutal murderer.

The languidly paced yet beautiful Spirits of Death creeps across my TV screen and I can’t help but love it. Stuck somewhere between giallo and gothic horror, this film is both eerily nightmarish and sleepily dull (thanks to its substandard ironic plot). Unfortunately, director and cinematographer Ramano Scavolini would go on to direct only one other horror outing: the elusive slasher Nightmares in a Damaged Brain. Because you know what? I really liked where he was going with this one. Then there’s the haunting and phantasmagorical score by Fiorenzo Carpi and Bruno Nicolai which is impossible to forget once you’ve heard it.

I can’t recommend Spirits of Death (AKA A White Dress for Mariale) for anyone just getting into Italian horror films starting with this one but I think this is worth a look for you seasoned experts out there. The cast kicks ten different kinds of ass with Galli, Rassimov and Pistilli on hand. There’s also plenty of sex and violence to make up for some of the drowsy bits. But the pacing is really out of whack with its moments of noise and freakishness followed immediately by scenes of shaky and strange calmness. This would make a fine double feature with Francesco Barilli’s The Perfume of the Lady in Black.

“Mariale, what is on your mind?”

Something Creeping in the Dark

Something Creeping in the Dark (1971)

During a terrible storm, a group of obnoxious strangers are stranded at a mysterious house in the middle of nowhere occupied only by a lone hippie butler named Joe (Gianni Medici). Among them is a murderous criminal named Spike (Farley Granger) accompanied by two police detectives trying to haul him in. While playing a haunting melody on the piano, Spike makes a strange connection with Sylvia (Lucia Bose), a bored bourgeois lady, much to the dismay of her husband Donald (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart). Things get really strange when Sylvia holds a seance and they make contact with Sheila Marlowe, the recently deceased owner of the house. It seems that Sylvia’s spirit is not the restful type and she wants a new body to possess. People start dropping like flies under strange circumstances and the chances that anyone is going to survive until dawn are slim.

I want to love this movie, I really do. Oh yeah, it’s gonna be one of those reviews. The kind where I can’t be trusted. Director and writer Mario Coluuci only directed one horror film and it’s easy to see why. Something Creeping in the Dark has some great and very weird moments but the pacing is so off, it is almost funny. Almost. There is very little blood but there is plenty of violence with all the strangulation, bludgeoning, and shooting going on. What this movie has a great deal of is sex. Most of it is suggested and it’s as subtle as a sledgehammer (the Peter Gabriel kind).

There’s a little skin on display from Joe’s girlfriend, played by the adorable Giulia Rovai (who went on to star in nothing). The cast is also blessed with two lovely vixens: Lucia Bose and Mia Genberg (who plays Susan, the repressed nerd whose inhibitions come out and play once the ghost is in control), who both get to wear some very skimpy outfits. Lucia Bose participates in the film’s freakiest scene. While Spike is charming Sylvia’s panties off with his piano playing skills, the two of them share a disturbing fantasy sequence. In this daydream (?), Spike chases Sylvia around, slaps her around, and is about to rape her when she stabs him with a knife. She stabs him again and again and again while Spike just laughs maniacally. Genius!

The seance is where this film really kicks into high gear. (Don’t get used to it.) As you may have figured out by now, I love seance sequences in horror movies and this one is pretty superb. Giacomo Rossi-Stuart kicks all kinds of ass here when his character Donald, a natural medium, becomes possessed by the spirit they are contacting. Donald is a little ball of misery and rage and the ghost takes advantage of that with deadly results. It’s nice to see Rossi-Stuart actually getting into his role for a change. When directors didn’t know what to do with him, duder really phoned it in. Check out The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance (totally awful) and Death Smiled at Murder (better film, same result) to see what I mean.

I started out looking for a giallo and found whatever this is instead. But I’ve watched Something Creeping in the Dark twice now and I still can’t get a hold on it. Yes, it’s boring. All of the good stuff: the trippy possession and poltergeist sequences, the loungy/eerie soundtrack by Angelo Francesco Lavagnino, the painfully obvious model house, the catty and banal dialogue, the always welcome presence of Farley Granger (Amuck!), and general disjointedness, just doesn’t make up for the snooze factor involved. Thanks to a couple of well-crafted scares though, I will be returning to the house of Sheila Marlowe against my will. It’s almost as if she has possessed me as well. What’s that, Sheila? You want me to eat more bacon? Okay!

“This kind of morbid exultation can be harmful to the nerves. I advise against it.”

Shadow of Illusion

Shadow of Illusion (1970)

Advertising executive, Gail Bland (Daniela Giordano), travels to Cairo to do a business deal with a company called Isis Cosmetics. Once there, Gail is beset by all manner of bizarre occurrences and weird people. A cult led by a creepy brother (Antonio Cantafora) and sister (Krista Nell) believe that she is the reincarnation of Isis and want to sacrifice her. Enter Caleb (William Berger), a swingin’ cool cat professor to her rescue. He takes Gail to see the sites, always just one step ahead of the mysterious cult. Every time Caleb leaves her alone, danger rears its heavily eye-shadowed head.

This rather different little film sports some great cinematography from Erico Menczer (The Dead are Alive, The Cat o’ Nine Tails) and a jazzy, fun score from the ever-reliable Carlo Savina (Lisa and the Devil). The plot is very simple and it’s peppered with a lot of foolish behavior on Gail’s part to keep it moving. This gets frustrating after a while but all of it can be explained away by her goofy state of mind (never smoke cigarettes from a stranger in Cairo) so whatever. Luckily, Mario Caiano’s direction is solid and everyone involved delivers decent performances.

There is very little blood but there is some violence and even a little sleaze. Oh and there’s a miserable dance number during a ritual that will have you groaning or cheering depending on your state of mind. I’m sure that the rampant dope-smoking and LSD trip sequence will appeal to a certain type of audience. That’s right, I’m talking to you, druggie!

I can’t imagine that casual viewers will like Shadow of Illusion. But if you’re like me, you’re on a constant quest for every giallo ever made (and I’m not saying this is a giallo) and don’t mind stumbling upon mostly entertaining Italian horror nonsense then you’ll probably get a kick out of this one. This film limps along surprisingly well and just barely stays ahead of its thin premise and awkward dubbing the whole time. About an hour in, I thought to myself, “This is something Jess Franco should have directed.” So you can take that for what it’s worth.

Satan’s Wife

Satan’s Wife (1979)

The film opens with a disco satanic ritual featuring some nude dancers. Then we meet Carlotta (Anne Heywood), a former Satanist, and her daughter Daria (Lara Wendel), who Carlotta suspects is the child of Satan. Daria spends her time being a total asshole (so she has to be the devil’s kid) by torturing her teacher (Valentina Cortese) and a boy from her school. Carlotta seeks help from her witchy friends and even an evil priest (John Phillip Law) but Daria is too strong for them all. There is a final showdown but you’ll only see it if you’re still awake at the end of the movie.

If you were looking for the worst satanic horror film ever made, you’d meet up with Satan’s Wife AKA Ring of Darkness on your way down the list. Way, way down. Pier Carpi serves as both director and writer on this one and botches them both pretty good. The film is also edited poorly and it feels as though scenes are out of order but they probably aren’t. The dubbing is particularly atrocious as are the lame visual effects. Stelvio Cipriani’s score is a synthmare (which I normally appreciate) but sounds awfully familiar. It may be made up outtakes from other better film scores.

One reason to check out this mess is for all the great actors on hand. Anne “Chiseled Cheekbones” Heywood of The Killer Is On the Phone is great as the exasperated mother of the daughter of Satan. Heywood is always good for some Joan Collins level silliness and this film is no exception. Dig on her rocker makeup for the big final ceremony. Valentina Cortese of Juliet of the Spirits and Irene Papas of Oasis of Fear are pretty great and do a fine job in this terrible flick. John Phillip Law and Marisa Mell of Diabolik? What the hell? Were they bored that year or something? The insanely beautiful Paola Tedesco of Watch Me When I Kill is here as well but I wish she wasn’t. Tedesco, who hasn’t acted since the early 80s, is totally underused in this film.

Lara Wendel would show up for a grisly death scene in Tenebre a few years after this nightmare. She would even get starring roles in Umberto Lenzi’s wacko Ghosthouse and the completely ridiculous Joe D’Amato-produced Zombie 5: Killing Birds. In Satan’s Wife, Wendel has some pretty cool moments but mostly this child of the devil doesn’t act very evil. Daria just seems like a smug teenage jerk who is obsessed with dolls and occasionally talks directly to the camera. The potential is there for a really creepy performance but Pier Capri’s confused script just isn’t up to the task.

It’s impossible not to be a little underwhelmed and/or insulted by Satan’s Wife but if you’re like me, you’ll ignore the bad reviews and watch this sleazy crap anyway. Pier Carpi’s film is a bottom of the barrel Exorcist/Omen-clone but it does feature some unintentional comedy from the terrible dialogue, pitiful overacting, and wacky opening dance number. Pretty much everyone involved (except the director/writer) has done better work elsewhere. There are some interesting elements like how all of Carlotta’s old satanic buddies’ lives are destroyed because of their alliance to the dark lord. Hey, you know what? This film features a chess analogy! Okay, okay, don’t watch this one.

“Where did you get my sword? I told you never to go near that cupboard!”

Lucifera: Demon Lover

Lucifera: Demon Lover (1972)

Helga (Rosalba Neri) and her friends are out sightseeing one day when they pass by a lovely castle in the countryside. Inside they find a creepy butler (John Benedy) who invites them to dinner. Suddenly, Helga doesn’t feel very well and she is encouraged to have a rest in one of the bedrooms. She falls asleep and is transported to another time. In this past life, Helga is about to marry a handsome man named Hans (Ferdinando Poggi) but she is afraid that her marriage is cursed after a mysterious hooded stranger sees her wedding dress.

Desperate to prevent bad things from befalling her marriage, Helga approaches an old crone who tells her of a good luck spell. Helga needs her two friends to carry out this sketchy magic and they agree to join her at the gallows. Once the spell is cast, her friends are taken away by a coven of witches/vampires. Thinking that she has it made, Helga prepares for her big day but then a mysterious stranger named Gunther (Edmund Purdom) shows up and presents her with a new proposition. He offers her limitless pleasure and all she has to do is sacrifice Hans on her wedding night. Will Helga be tempted by the DEVILish man?

By the early 1970s, the Italian gothics had lost their edge. The budgets got smaller, the gore (yay!) and the sex (meh.) got more explicit, and things just seemed to be winding down for the subgenre. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. Obviously, I wish that more directors slumming in this crap had made some cheap gialli instead. And yet there are some magnificent films from this era (such as The Devil’s Wedding Night and Blood Castle) but they are usually campy and more than a little rough around the edges. Paolo Lombardo’s 1972 film, Lucifera: Demon Lover, is a particularly clunky example of compensating for a lack of suspense and scares by throwing in more skin.

The title card promises the audience a film in the tradition of the Grand Guignol. Well, this mishmash of Satanic horror, vampirism, sex, torture, and low cut gowns is definitely entertaining once it gets going (after the friggin’ half hour mark). The cinematography by Antonio Modica is a little drab for my tastes but he gets the job done. I really dig the musical score by Elvio Monti. He gets points for keeping things nice and tacky. The plot is a little gamy with its reliance on adding too many characters and trashy sex scenes (not that I was all that surprised).

I love Rosalba Neri (Amuck!) and she is definitely the best thing about this movie (despite some busty competition from some of her co-stars). I really love how her character Helga is willing to sacrifice her friends because she thinks it will protect her. Nice job spoiling your innocence, you dumb stupid idiot. Of course, I would be a fool not to mention the awesome Edmund Purdom (of Rosso Sangue) who makes his Gunther AKA Satan character into a real charmer. There are some other kind of cool actors involved here but none of them get to do much acting. Plus, there’s just too much going to keep track of everybody. How many sped up sword-fights can one man handle? The answer is none but this film has more than that.

While picking on the logic of a film with a setup as thin as Lucifera: Demon Lover is a little too easy, I have to call this one out on a few doozies. First up is one actress complaining about how dark it’s getting outside and how she and her friends should hurry home. Lady, it ain’t even dusk! It continues to look like 2 in the afternoon for the next few scenes and boy is it distracting. The other mistake that I cannot overlook is the cellophane window. There is a scene where someone is standing in a doorway and the windowpanes of the door are covered in cellophane stapled to the frame. I did not realize they had that stuff back in medieval Italy.

What can I say? I hate to be a jerk to Lucifera: Demon Lover but this is one mediocre flick. As usual, I’m trying not to let my love for Italian trash override my ability to judge this sexed up and only slightly bloody junk objectively. If you can’t get enough of Rosalba Neri (and seriously who the hell can?), then check this one out. You’ll be better off with something more fun (and more lucid) like her classic performance in Lady Frankenstein. All the thunderstorms, candelabras, graveyards, and see through negligees can’t save this one but you could definitely find worse ways to waste 80 minutes. Oh and what the hell was with that last line? Paolo Lombardo (who also wrote this ass-terpiece) had no idea how to gracefully end his film and so we get Edmund Purdom spouting some gibberish and smirking at the camera before the “FINE” pops up.

“My wedding dress. It was contaminated.”

The Cursed Medallion (1975)

Young Emily Williams (Nicoletta Elmi) has been acting very odd since her mother burned to death in a freak accident. Her father, art historian Michael Williams (Richard Johnson), believes that she is just grieving in her own way. Things begin to get worse when Michael travels with Emily and her nanny Jill (Ida Galli)to a village to film a TV show about a mysterious painting. This painting has a strange effect on his daughter. She becomes jealous of her father’s new lover, Joanna (played by Joanna Cassidy), and behaves erratically and violently as though possessed by a spirit. What’s left of the Williams family seems doomed by a centuries old curse but Michael isn’t ready to accept defeat and will fight for his daughter’s soul.

I search far and wide for imperfect gems like The Cursed Medallion. Director Massimo Dallamano (What Have You Done to Solange?) shows that he can easily direct modern gothic chillers like this one. With an emphasis on gorgeous cinematography and flawless lighting, the film is almost decadent in its richness. Throw a plot reminiscent of great gothic literature and some picturesque scenery into the mix and we’ve got something special. While far from a perfect film, I was right at home with this Italian rarity.

It’s always a pleasure to see the odd-looking Nicoletta Elmi of Bay of Blood and Profondo Rosso on the screen. Like every great Italian actress she can also push things way, way over the top. Adding some class to the proceedings is Richard Johnson of Lucio Fulci’s Zombie. Another familiar face belongs to Ida Galli (AKA Evelyn Stewart) of The Bloodstained Butterfly and Knife of Ice who plays Jill, the hapless nanny. And I really liked Russian actress Lila Kedrova as the eccentric Contessa Cappelli.

The film is quite schizophrenic with it being both subtle at times and comically obvious at others. Like most Italian horror films, The Cursed Medallion shoots itself in the foot; though only twice. First, there is a totally unconvincing visual effect when a certain character falls off the side of a cliff. Second, the film’s finale (this is not a spoiler, by the way) is kicked in the tits by the phrase “Perché?” (“Why?”) which is splashed across the screen in huge blue letters.

Since the plot involves possession (ghostly not demonic), there are just a few Exorcist-like moments but nothing in the vein of Beyond the Door or any of the other Italian films “inspired” by the William Friedkin film. This is a tragic tale of a family’s inescapable fate with a piece of prophetic art (and a medallion!) at the center of it all and that’s about it. Italian horror fans looking for atmosphere over splatter, will be very happy with The Cursed Medallion. Instead of rotting zombies and arterial spray we get ghostly dream sequences and some wildly overwrought melodrama. Some may call it boring but I call it Heaven.

“Why must destiny be so relentless?”

Crypt of the Vampire (1964)

Young women are being drained of their blood and all signs point to the Karnstein family. Count Ludwig Karnstein (Christopher Lee) enlists the help of historian Friedrich Klauss (José Campos) to explore his lineage. Klauss finds out that one of Ludwig’s ancestors was executed for witchcraft but not before she placed a curse on the family line. Ludwig’s daughter Laura (Adriana Ambesi) believes that she is possessed by the witch and is developing a taste for the red stuff.

Annette (Véra Valmont), the count’s mistress, knows that something is wrong with Laura. She is also suspicious of Laura’s new friend, Annette (Ursula Davis), who arrived under mysterious circumstances and has been at Laura’s side ever since. The family’s maid, Rowena (Nela Conjiu), thinks she’s helping the Karnstein clan with her black magic rituals but people keep dying despite her appeals to the dark lord.

Camillo Mastrocinque (who directed Barbara Steele in An Angel for Satan) delivers an effective and enjoyable though not entirely original gothic horror film. The convoluted story from prolific genre screenwriter Ernesto Gastaldi (The Whip and the Body) has its chilling moments and takes inspiration from the classic horror story Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. The dialogue is predictable and hampered by the awkward dubbing. There is also some totally unnecessary narration which is abandoned very quickly (thanks). What Crypt of the Vampire does have going for it is good pacing and superbly eerie sets and locations.

Christopher Lee (who thankfully dubbed his own voice) is quite good in Crypt but that’s no surprise as the man rarely disappoints. I really, really liked Adriana Ambesi as Laura whose flimsy nightgown threatens to explode throughout the nighttime scenes. Her dumbass black magic schemes led by her scary maid are pretty amusing. How about next time we DON’T invoke the spirit of a witch to possess anyone, okay?

Véra Valmont, who plays Count Ludwig’s lover Annette, is very arresting. She goes all out with the terror faces and I wish that she had done more horror movies. José Campos is a little bland as Friedrich, the heroic (?) genealogist. Luckily, Lee is around to keep the appropriate levels of badass dude in a smoking jacket right where they need to be.

With its cheesy Sunday afternoon horror thrills (and some wild-eyed and voluptuous ladies), Crypt of the Vampire is a whole lot of fun. There’s melodrama, mysterious manuscripts and some gruesome business involving the severed hand of a hunchbacked beggar. This would make a terrific double feature with either Alberto De Martino’s The Blancheville Monster or the sleepy Barbara Steele vehicle: Terror Creatures from the Grave.

“I must kill you. That was my promise. I must kill you.”