I don’t know what it is that attracts me to disco movies. Being born in 1976, I was too young to enjoy all that wonderful cocaine. When I was a very young kid though, my two favorite songs -thanks to my mom’s record collection- were Abba’s “Take a Chance on Me” and Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” so maybe that’s where it started. Currently, my favorite disco songs are Raffaela Carra’s “Rumore” and “More, More, More” by The Andrea True Connection. Chances of hearing those two songs in this moviethon: not so good. There is definitely something fascinating about a film subgenre (or is that a sub-subgenre?) created to cash in on a musical trend. My criteria for this playlist is the films have to be released between 1976 and 1981, they must feature disco music or disco dancing prominently, and be at least somewhat easily obtainable. Movies starring disco musicians (like The Bee Gees or The Village People) are welcome as are movies that revolve around disco songs (Car Wash). All right, brothers and sisters, I am about to get funky (pronounced fown-kay).

Friday Night

I have a bottle of Mountain Dew Livewire (the orange cream flavored one!), my my my my my boogie shoes, and a pile of movies. I love the nightlife, I will survive, and I’m staying alive! Burn, baby burn! Ring my bell! Whatever, I’m ready to start this shit.

“Honey, I’m more man than you’ll ever be and more woman than you’ll ever get.”

7:01pm – Car Wash (1976)

For some reason, I was dreading this film (which is why I picked it first) but the moment it starts I’m kind of feeling the um groove or whatever. Whenever I mentioned that I was doing this moviethon, folks kept asking me if I was going to include Car Wash and every damn disco movie list includes it too. The plot: a day in the life of the employees of a car wash. Throw on a killer soundtrack and you have a masterpiece. LeEtta points out that this is kind of like the structure of films like Dazed and Confused. You know, those slice-of-life films that have no basis in reality whatsoever.

At 11 minutes, the word “disco” is mentioned. The first in the moviethon so far. There are some kooky and zany characters in this but this movie is so light that I have no idea what to say about it. There is a guy in a mouse hat, a cowboy with the clap, a crazy gay stereotype, two Sam & Dave wannabes, and Garrett Morris. My favorite is the political loudmouth (played by Bill Duke) with a secret. His secret? He plays the saxophone! There, I spoiled it even though it has nothing to do with the plot.

Right around 39 minutes, the Pointer Sisters show up with Richard Pryor and the first (and only! WTF?) musical number kicks in. That kind of tosses the whole slice-of-life shit I was talking right out the window. My favorite character is the scratchy-voiced Lonnie. He is a tough but wise old dude with a past full of regrets. Just like me. That performance by Ivon Dixon is way, way too good for this movie.

“This is The Wizard saying: ha ha, boy what an idiot this guy is!”

8:50pm – Skatetown USA (1979)

Ugh, is this a movie? This film opens like a commercial for the end times and is like barbed wire for the eyes. A young black man wearing one hell of a snood is skating onto the screen and into our hearts. The credits introduce us to a young fellow named Patrick Swayze as Ace. They also promise us Flip Wilson. Oh my goodness. A weirdo wizard in a white afro wig materializes and starts DJ-ing this party in hell. He commands the lights to come on and the last roller rink before oblivion, Skatetown USA, explodes into life. My copy of this film looks like it was rode hard and put away wet. I predict a migraine in our future.

We got some Scott Baio action in this and freakin’ Maureen McCormick. When Swayze shows up, he’s some kind of roller-bully in charge of a gang of leathermen called the Westside Wheelers. The comedy relief comes from an old drunk and the disgustingly obese fry cook. Speaking of disgusting, Scott Baio is mackin’ on some chick and it’s making me sick. I really hate that fucking guy. He is managing his buddy Stanley’s (played by Greg Bradford) roller-skating career. All Stanley cares about is being a terrible actor and fantasizing about a magical disco girl in white. Also, my wife LeEtta says that his jaw looks like it was plastic mold injected and they left the nozzle in his face too long.

This movie pretends it’s just a goodtime flick but man, this has a sleazy streak a mile wide. My brain hemorrhaged happy juice when Ace and Stan had their now infamous deck of cards metaphor battle. You see, Ace is the king of Skatetown USA and Stan is gonna go after his crown. And, as an added bonus, that mystery girl in white is Ace’s little sister. The plot thickens! Just kidding. It really doesn’t thicken. It just kind of stays limp and deflated. Speaking of hideous, the running jokes in this film are the worst. They are so bad that they could cost Skatetown USA its Best Movie award. Ruth Buzzy AND the Unknown Comic just showed up and I feel as though my childhood is stopping by just to kill me.

Saturday

We get up pretty early but that is just fine by me because LeEtta makes us coffee and breakfast sandwiches. These sandwiches are amazing. They have fried egg, bacon, and cheese on frozen waffles (for the bread). Good thing I will be dancing during the movies because I gotta keep them arteries unclogged. After breakfast, we feed the cats their special breakfast (wet cat food!) and do chores. I take out the trash and run to the gas station for some moviethon drinks in the form of Mountain Dew tallboys. I also buy lottery tickets because I’m feeling lucky.

That reminds me, we are living in a new apartment now. That’s right, Doomed Moviethon HQ has moved once again. We are still in Tampa but we are in Carrollwood now. We are moving up in the world. Don’t get me wrong, Forest Hills was great but our old apartment was not. I already miss my old 7-11 on Armenia and Waters and the awesome crew that work there. The Hess station on the corner of Bearss and Zambito is a dump and the people there are aloof at best. Maybe their management will read this and force them to get their shit together.

“Ooh, would I love to jump on her bones!”

10:37am – Thanks God it’s Friday (1978)

This is the first of two of my friend Nafa’s picks for this moviethon. He is the only certified disco film expert that I know. The Columbia Pictures logo-lady just started dancing lamely and we’re off to a great start? They mixed the song really shitty on here so the computerized voice saying “THANK GOD IT’S” comes shouting out of the speakers louder than the rest of the music. All kinds of people are getting ready for some disco dancing. Why? Because it is Friday and there is a disco dance contest at a place called Disco Disco Disco Disco. Bobby Speed (played by Ray Vitte (who I just saw in Car Wash)) is the DJ spinning at this gig and he is under a lot of pressure because this show is going out live over the radio for the first time. Whoa, that’s pretty serious.

Speaking of serious, two very underage teenage girls, Franny and Jeannie (played by Valerie Landsburg and Terri Nunn), are hoping to win the dance contest so that they can pay for their KISS tickets. Man, the 70s were tough on everybody. There’s a girl named Jennifer (Debra Winger) who wants to meet a nice guy and a guy named Ken who wants to meet a nice girl. Good luck, fuckers. Jeff Goldblum is Tony, the owner of the disco, and he is a total prick. He makes some poor schmuck wear a gorilla costume and he’s banged every dumb chick within 10 miles of this nightclub. Bobby Speed challenges Tony to try and bang some dude’s wife. Nice job, everybody.

Donna Summer just arrived and she looks doped up. Maybe that’s just her face. She has aspirations to be a singer. Gee, if only someone would give her a chance. By the way, this is from the director of Weekend at Bernie’s II. It’s obvious that he mastered his craft on this film. The Commodores arrive to save Bobby Speed’s career but none of their equipment showed up. Some goofball named Floyd (played by Otis Day) is driving the van with all of their instruments in it and he is hilariously (I’m exaggerating) lost. With the help of Marv Gomez (Chick Vennera) the Leatherman (my favorite character in this whole movie), Franny and Jeannie sneak into the nightclub through the men’s room past a four alarm fire of a gay stereotype.

Wow, I’m getting pretty bored here. Let me talk about Marv Gomez the Leatherman because he is the only thing going on right now. He is a crazy Spanish dude wearing leather from head to toe and his catchphrase is “Life is dancing! All the rest is bullshit.” He is trying to teach Ken the nerd how to dance in the parking lot and it’s pretty life-affirming. The rest of this flick is just flat and depressing. Donna Summer gets to sing “Last Dance” (an overrated disco song if there ever was one) and I couldn’t give less of a fuck. For lunch, LeEtta and I heat up leftovers from last night’s dinner (at GrillSmith) and they are delicious.

“One thing I tell you is you got to be free.”

12:38pm – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

In 1918, Sargent Pepper’s band managed to bring peace to Europe. They played in Heartland through the 20s, and the Great Depression, WWII, and then uh George Burns shows up as Mr. Kite. Who in the darn heck thought that this movie was a good idea? The moment where Sgt. Pepper drops dead mid-song got a laugh out of LeEtta and I. Years later, somebody decided to start up the Lonely Hearts Club Band again and who better to do it than the Bee Gees? Honestly, this isn’t too bad so far but really, a whole movie of this? I think I’d rather be listening to the Beatles than people covering the Beatles, especially in an awkward musical schlockfest. I’d also rather be watching this director’s other music flick: Krush Groove! Wait, that’s Peter Frampton? I thought it was Andy Gibb. Woops.

When the band gets offered a chance to come out to Hollywood and be big stars, mean Mr. Mustard (played by Frankie Howerd) uses the opportunity to take over Heartland. Man oh man, this movie is why people hate musicals. Donald Pleasence as a disco-dancing record executive? Now that I can get down with. In a trippy sequence (probably the first of many), the band signs to the evil record label and Billy Shears immediately starts cheating on his girlfriend with some record company floozy. Meanwhile, mean Mr. Mustard is getting a massage from his lady robots when his computer screen commands him to steal all of Sgt. Pepper’s instruments. For some reason, this is bad news for Heartland and the whole place starts going to pot. LeEtta explains that George Burns said that as long as they have the instruments, the town will be happy. Okay… Sure, why not?

Just got a text from my mom confirming that she did indeed own the soundtrack record to this film. I thought so! I remember looking at the cover but I don’t recall ever having listened to it. The arrangement for “Lucy in The Sky with Diamonds” is pretty special. It’s just the kind of horrible disco shite that I like. Billy Shear’s lady friend shows up and tells the band what’s been happening in Heartland so they go after the missing instruments. They steal mean Mr. Mustard’s RV and access its computer system. It leads them to Dr. Maxwell Edison (played by Steve Martin). He is using his silver hammer to turn old people into sexy young people in Boy and Girl Scout uniforms. This is either the worst thing I have ever seen or the best.

Billy gets electrocuted and it’s up to his lady friend to sing “Strawberry Fields” at him in order to wake him up. I have no idea why. LeEtta explains to me that her name is Strawberry. Apparently, George Burns has been explaining the plot the whole time to help stupid people like me but I haven’t been listening. I haven’t listened to a word that George Burns has had to say since Damsel in Distress and that was in 1937. “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite” is used as a happy song to announce a benefit concert to save Heartland but that minor key just really gives the whole thing a creepy, foreboding vibe. Even though this film is cringe-inducingly bad, it is never boring. I’ll give it that much. Thanks, Nafa!

“I’ll send you to the taxidermist, you jive turkeys!”

2:34pm – The Wiz (1978)

I am very cautiously approaching The Wiz. This garish spectacle scared me when I was a kid. If I recall correctly there are some seriously freaky characters in this. Wait a second! Joel Schumacher wrote this film AND Car Wash? That is literally crazy. At a Thanksgiving dinner, Diana Ross gets all mopey and runs off by herself to sing a song about being lonely. Her Aunt Em (played by Theresa Merritt) is trying to convince her to get a better job and get a man and stop being a loser and take Toto with her. Toto is a dog, by the way. Not the band Toto. In the middle of a snowstorm, Dorothy gets swept up in a tornado and is whisked off to the land of Oz. She is immediately harassed by some really creepy living graffiti children.

So this is the Wizard of Oz remade with shitty songs, grotesque makeup, and an overwrought and frankly unlikeable performance from Diana Ross. Michael Jackson’s scarecrow makeup is just gross. He is the scarecrow and the crows taunt him and make him sing their theme song. Fuck, I just want to turn this odious and shrill film off. I fall asleep for nearly an hour and wake up to find that this damn movie is still going on. There’s a whole sequence where the Wicked Witch of the West tortures Dorothy’s friends (sawing the Scarecrow in half and crushing the Tin Man) and threatens to burn Toto alive. Who is this movie for? What the fuck was I thinking when I chose this bullshit? I don’t even like the original Wizard of Oz.

Stan Winston did the makeup. Why didn’t anyone tell him he wasn’t making a horror movie? There are so many unsettling aspects to this damn film that I guess he couldn’t possibly be responsible for them all. LeEtta figures that Dorothy’s companions to Emerald City are different parts of her psyche. I tell her she’s right. Partly because it’s probably true (the underlying psychology in this screenplay is horseshit) and partly because she made me a delicious dinner of salad and ground sausage with white rice and water cress. I want to know which butt-slapper put the 2 hour and 15 minute version of this soul-killing crud up on Netflix so I can punch him or her in his or her dick.

“Well, if anybody wants me, I’ll be at the city morgue.”

5:10pm – Roller Boogie (1979)

This is the first roller-skate fetish movie I’ve ever seen. The way this opens with those wheels getting oiled up and I gotta say that I’m getting pretty hot here. A bunch of roller-skaters are rolling through town and having a gay old time. The fashions in this are particularly heinous. Everyone’s shorts are pulled so high, their testicles are hanging out. Especially the women. They pass by a couple making out on a dumpster. But don’t worry, the guy is sensitive because he put some cardboard down for her to lay on before he mounted her WITH HIS ROLLER-SKATES ON! Linda Blair turns up as a cute little rich girl named Terry who likes to go skating in the bad part of town when she’s not winning awards for her flute playing. She catches the eye of Bobby, a fancy roller-skating dude and all around stud.

Terry doesn’t fit in in snooty society and she humiliates some horny guy named Franklin. She only really comes alive at the roller rink. Her friend Lana was in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. This Bobby guy (played by Jim Bray), who Terry is totally playing hard to get with, is really a great actor. He’s so great he went on to star in the VHS tape of this movie. And now he’s starring in the DVD of this movie. He is so ugly and uncharismatic that Linda Blair has to carry the whole movie with her cuteness. The DJ at the roller rink is a guy in a safari hat. What is that all about? He’s not a wizard or anything! His name is J.D. though. Get it? It’s DJ backwards! LOL! LMFAO! ROFL! WIFLOP!

The miserable acting in Roller Boogie is directly proportional to the atrocious screenplay. The director of this mess went on to do Class of 1984 and Commando. Why didn’t this kill his career? Terry tells her bitchy rich mom that all she wants to right now is win a roller boogie contest and that the rest of her life can wait. I say that every day too. But I don’t mean it. Oh shit! Roller-skating conga line! This isn’t even remotely impressive in any way but yet I am smiling from ear to ear.

The plot actually shows up to say hello. Some shady guys are hassling Jammer, the owner of the roller rink, to sell out so they can build a strip mall. Terry, Bobby, and Phones (named after his huge headphones) overhear the convo with the shady bros and decide they are going to help save the rink. Jammer gets drunk and throws all the kids out of the rink. It is one of those serious moments that are really, really funny.

The gang asks Terry to ask her lawyer father to help Jammer out of his jam. Terry’s father (played by Roger Perry of Count Yorga, Vampire) is a loon. He blames roller-skating and disco music for poisoning her mind but he agrees to help her friends out. Of course, this whole scheme hinges on Bobby and his buddies behaving properly at Terry’s music recital. Oh boy, this is gonna be such a silly time! Things take an insane turn when Bobby does a solo skate dance in an empty roller rink to homo-erotically cheer Jammer up. Wow. Just wow.

Cigar Break

I take one of my Mountain Dew tallboys and an Inch cigar (so named for width not length, I think) out to our sexy screened in patio. The new apartment isn’t facing a busy road like our old one so it’s nice and quiet outside. Just the sounds of summer: cicadas and neighbor kids playing in the distance. I sit and smoke while watching the clouds roll by. I’m also reading The Worst Movies of All Time by Michael Sauter. It’s a fun read and there are three movies in this moviethon included in its pages: Xanadu, Can’t Stop the Music, and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. The Wiz gets a brief mention. I highly recommend the book. I don’t agree with all of the dude’s opinions but he sure does stick it to Hollywood’s shittier moments.

“We can’t go on pretending any of this is real.”

8:23pm – Xanadu (1980)

About twenty years ago, a girl I was dating made me watch this candy coated nightmare with her. I made her watch Akira so I guess that’s fair. All I remember about this movie is making out with her. So maybe I haven’t really seen this before. The film opens magically with a spaceship coming down to Earth and then it cuts to a lousy artist tearing up a painting of his dream girl. The torn up pieces float away across town and they somehow cause a mural of disco chicks to come to life. They are lined with purple lights and they are super fantastic. One of the dancers is my favorite Aussie munchkin: Olivia Newton-John. Wow, Electric Light Orchestra did the soundtrack for this one. I’m not gonna lie to you, kids. I am down with ELO.

Olivia Newton-John rides a stream of light and some roller-skates to the park and kisses the artist guy. His name is Sonny (played by Michael Beck of Warriors and Megaforce AND Battletruck!) and when he tries to speak to her, she disappears. Sonny goes back to his old job painting shitty album covers because he’s broke. You see, he was the best and fastest painter in the biz but Sonny is a real artist. But artists gotta eat! He sees Olivia Newton-John on an album cover and then decides to go looking for her, totally walking out on his job. Well, I guess he didn’t need to eat that badly. He goes to the boardwalk and meets a bum named Danny who plays the clarinet. That bum is Gene Kelly. LeEtta and I are in shock when we notice that.

This movie does not take place on the Earth that you and I live on. No, on this planet, Sonny can borrow a complete stranger’s motorbike and then wreck it. No big woop. He also bums a ride from his buddy who is going east. But Sonny is going west. Opposite direction? No problem! He just hangs onto the back of the van and roller-skates across town. Why the hell didn’t he get IN THE VAN? Sonny is an infuriating motherfucker. He finds an empty roller rink where Olivia Newton-John is skating to one of my favorite pop songs of all time: “Magic”. She tells him her name is Kira and then she magically disappears again.

Sonny runs into Gene Kelly again and he finds out that he is not just a bum, he is a rich bum. They go to his mansion and Danny coerces Sonny into giving him a blo- just kidding! They talk about Glenn Miller. Danny asks Sonny to help him find a spot to open a nightclub. It turns out that Danny had a girl that was his muse back when he was in Glenn Miller’s orchestra. In a photo, the girl looks a whole lot like Kira! Could it be the same girl? Could it? Is she magic or what? Is this film going anywhere? Oh goodie, a flashback. The tap-dancing scene with Danny and Kira is just precious. Don’t get me wrong, I like it but I’m choking to death on all this saccharine, man.

The way Kira seems to be stalking Sonny is actually pretty unnerving. There is a shot where she appears in the shadows, watching him paint. Magical or not, this chick is going to slit his throat while he’s sleeping. They start playing “Suddenly” and it occurs to me that my mom had the Xanadu record too. I was doomed at birth! Sonny finds Danny a place for a nightclub and Kira suggests they call it Xanadu. While Kira and Sonny are drinking champagne and talking, they turn into animated characters and my heart sinks. Okay, this movie may be bad but at least it’s not bad at heart like the majority of titles in this moviethon so far. Xanadu wants you to be happy. Kira reveals to Sonny that she is a moose. Ew, bestiality! Oh wait, she said muse. Sorry.

“Anyone who can swallow two snowballs and a ding dog shouldn’t have any trouble with pride.”

10:07pm – Can’t Stop the Music (1980)

This is a Village People movie and yet we just got Guttenberged! Stevie G plays a dork named Jack who works in a record store but he quits when he gets a chance to DJ in a club and his boss won’t let him skip out on inventory. But he’s not just a DJ, this fuckwad is a composer. His roommate Samantha (played by Valerie Perrine) -who I honestly thought was supposed to be his girlfriend- doesn’t believe in him but then she does believe in him. Let me back up a second. Samantha is a former model and she lives with a mostly nude man named Phillipe. She thinks Jack is a loser until she hears him play his horrid song for her (appropriately named “Samantha”) at a nightclub filled with hot girls and obviously gay men. Now she plans to help his career by sleeping with her old entertainment industry connections.

It gets weirder. Sam and Jack aren’t lovers. Wait a second. What is going on here? LeEtta thinks that Jack is gay. If he is, they are playing it way down. My theory is that none of the Village People are going to be gay in this film. They’re just gonna be crazy fun guys. Sam tells Jack that he needs good singers on his demo or he’ll never get a record deal. She goes around recruiting some dudes that can sing. Each one has a different crazy look. I suspect they might be members of the Village People. A guy named Ron (played by Bruce Jenner) gets robbed at gunpoint by an old lady. Sam’s old boss gets her finger stuck in the rotary dial of a phone booth. Sam drops her contact lens in the lasagna. This movie is odd, very odd.

Damn it, I can’t type fast enough to describe all the crazy shit happening in this film. Some of the films in this moviethon have been insane but this is just demented. My favorite character is Sam’s friend Lulu (played by Marilyn Sokol). She is horny, smokes dope, and is very attracted to Felippe. She gets Jack really high during the group’s first rehearsal and nothing happens. It was totally a pointless gag. Jack’s mom (June Havoc) shows up and she is very supportive of her non-gay but totally gay son. Everyone is asexual and violently aroused in this. The women flirt with and grind on guys on the dance floor but the guys aren’t interested in women and they certainly aren’t interested in other dudes. This might be a new favorite film. I don’t know what to make of it.

Ron, who is a friend of a friend of Sam’s, is a homophobe and he doesn’t like the Village People, not because they’re gay but because they’re *cough cough* weirdos. Sam swallows her pride and goes to see her ex named Steve (Paul Sand), a record executive. He agrees to help out their group but only after Sam kind of says that she’ll sleep with him when the group and Jack’s music are a success. Even though Ron was a total jerk, Sam is really into him. About a dozen innuendos later, they get it on and it is just awkward. Oh yeah, the Village People haven’t been in their own movie for the last half hour or more.

The missing piece of this gay puzzle comes in the form of the Leatherman. He stands on a piano and sings “Oh Danny Boy”. I give LeEtta a look and she returns it. We both know that we are in the presence of greatness. Ron is holding the auditions at his law firm and his both tells him that he doesn’t approve of his *cough cough* choice of clients. So Ron up and quits so that he can manage the Village People. Next time we see him, he is wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes. These are weapons grade jorts, dear reader. During the YMCA sequence, we see a lot of naked dude butts but we also see Sam’s bare boobies. Who the hell were they marketing this movie for? The target audience must have been definitely not gay schizophrenics and sexless tramps.

Sunday

I woke up hard this morning. No, not like that! I mean I woke up like I’d only been asleep for 2 hours. My mind feels like a sponge and I don’t mean one that is soaking things up. It’s more like an oversaturated sponge that is dripping and running all over the sink. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday. LeEtta and I go to Brunchies (a local diner) for breakfast. I get an iced coffee and a San Diego omelet. LeEtta gets coffee, grapefruit juice, grits, eggs, and duck bacon. A quick run to the grocery store for some groceries and birthday cake making supplies and then it’s back home so I can watch the last 18 minutes or so of Can’t Stop the Music.

“Does that give you a hard-on? My my my, are you embarrassed?”

10:07am – The Stud (1978)

I’m so pissed off right now. I had to wait a whole two minutes to see a naked woman. WTF? Oliver Tobias plays The Stud. He wakes up with a beautiful woman whose name he doesn’t know and it’s all groovy and awesome. We see his closet and his 60 pairs of shoes. LeEtta says: “So is this guy a metrosexual or what?” Yes, yes he is but it’s before they had a name for it. The Stud gets his own theme song and it is overloaded with chicka wacka guitars. This award winning film comes from the mind of Jackie Collins. And it also stars her sister (and Doomed Moviethon Hall of Famer) Joan Collins as Fontaine Khaled. That name is fucking spectacular.

Fontaine and The Stud are lovers! He is her private stud and when she calls, he drops what he’s doing doing to go be with her. Oh I get it, she owns the nightclub and she demands certain favors from him when her rich husband isn’t home. Their first sex scene is oddly rapey with the odds in Fontaine’s favors. Apparently, British people had bad disco music and shitty exclusive nightclubs too. The worst disco song ever written is in this movie. Here’s a sample of the lyrics: “Let’s go disco. Let’s go disco. Move your body to the beat. See that foxy lady, y’all. Sure knows how to use her feet. Drivin’ people crazy.”

This movie has an overabundance of catty rich people dialog. The nightclub sequences are pretty great though with heavy fuzz guitars and Brits grinding on each other. There’s also a reggae cowboy. I think he’s The Stud. Uh oh, there’s trouble in paradise. You see, Fontaine is taking advantage of The Stud. She likes playing games and dominating him. If you buy someone fancy clothes and give them a job, you are allowed to own them, sexually. That is offensive to me. It’s okay if men do that to women but not the other way around! I find powerful women threatening. Of course, I’m joking. What this movie thinks are provocative sexual politics are just faux steamy nonsense. It is grownups acting naughty in a movie that was dated the day before it came out. Now it’s all just stuffy and crass and loaded with unintentional comedy.

The Stud has plans to strike out on his own and open his own nightclub. Fontaine isn’t going to like that at all. If he isn’t wrapped around her little penis -oops, I mean finger- she will predictably try to destroy him. Even more predictably, The Stud is eyeing Fontaine’s stepdaughter Alex. The whole scene of him gazing at her across the dinner table is ridiculous. For starters, she is obviously jailbait and she is also kind of homely looking. I refer to her as “The Little Monster” but LeEtta says she’s not that bad. Alex finds out that The Stud and her stepmother are having an affair after she finds one of Fontaine’s sex tapes. This pisses her off so she decides that she is going to fuck The Stud.

I’m trying to figure out why this has (almost) the lowest rating on IMDB than all the other films in this moviethon. A 2.7 out of 10 is pretty spectacular in my book. Trashy as this is, The Wiz is way worse in my book. Now people are giving The Stud some uppers. He travels to Paris to hook up with Fontaine at an orgy her friends have planned. This makes the soundtrack go crazy. It sounds like someone is trying to molest a synthesizer. The orgy sequence is musically insane but pretty disappointing in terms of numbers of orgy particpants. The Stud passes out and wakes up to find that he’s being pleasured by a dude. He freaks out and takes off. In that one scene, this movie has more gay in it than Can’t Stop the Music. Meanwhile, back in England, Fontaine’s husband finds her little sex tape. Wuh woh, this could be twouble!

Everything goes to shit for The Stud and it is easily the most interesting part of the movie. Seeing him humbled and actually heartbroken over jailbait Alex is pretty fun and embarrassing. His friend tells him there are two types of women: the kind that pick you up and screw you and the kind that pick you up and screw with your head. I have to agree with him. I simply cannot think of a third type of woman. The end of this movie is pretty great. The Stud doesn’t come out on top but he learns a lesson. (I can’t believe I’m rooting for this fucking guy.) This film is educational.

“Do you like to fuck, Ricky?”

1:30pm – The Bitch

I guess The Stud must have been a hit because the most despicable character from that film gets their own sequel. Joan Collins is back as Fontaine AKA The Bitch. Her theme song is even more funky fresh than The Stud’s. This film is a soft focus sleazefest with an even crappier script than its predecessor. Fontaine flies from New York to England and meets a scheister named Nico on the plane. He is a debonair sort with a penchant for lifting ladies’ jewelry. He steals some crazy expensive ring from Fontaine while she’s asleep on the plane. More problems face her back in England as she finds that her nightclub called Hobo (???) is doing really shitty. In a scene that is amazingly appropriate for this film, Fontaine and her friend dance together on a mostly deserted dance floor.

That night, Fontaine goes home and has sex with her driver named Ricky (played by Peter Wright). The next morning she gives him the cold shoulder and puts him in his place. Meanwhile, Nico hooks up with Hal (played by John Ratzenberger from “Cheers”) who is going to help him fence the ring he stole. But he’s lost it? What? It’s a plot point that is so dumb that I probably missed something. One thing I know for sure, Nico is in trouble with the mob and needs a big score. Anyway, he and Hal are planning something criminal and start following Fontaine around. There is a scene where her lawyer advises her that she is losing money like crazy. For you Eurohorror fans out of there: Nico is played by Antonio Cantafora of Baron Blood and Demons 2.

We get lots of super colorful nightclub scenes as Fontaine is checking out her competition in the nightclub circuit. Ah, poor Ricky seems to have fallen for The Bitch. Big mistake. Fontaine calls up Nico and asks him the age old question: “Nico, have you ever played backgammon in bed?” They have sex and she keeps her nightgown on during it. She was naked like 5 minutes ago. Why the modesty now? The following morning, she catches him going through her valuables and she’s not overly enthused about it. Okay, this movie is apparently a 2.4 on IMDB and I see why. It’s just boring. Mixing in the mafia just makes it more obvious that there is nothing going on. Seeing Ratzenberger tear up the dance floor is the best part of the movie. Mental note: I need to steal that duder’s moves.

“We want Abba! We want Abba! We want Abba!”

3:06pm – Abba: The Movie (1977)

Ladies and gentleman, your palate cleanser has arrived. After that dull slice of trash, I hope something as wonderful and pure as an Australian film starring Abba will clear the air. From what I’ve read, this is a tenuous plot stapled onto concert film. It’s a clever (not really) way to disguise a documentary about Abba. A dumbass DJ named Ashley is supposed to interview the band for his radio station. He has no clout and no clue what the hell he is doing. Damn it, when Abba hits the stage in this movie, it is just awesome. I really do love this band. Their music has been with me my whole life. This film almost makes up for that Mamma Mia! movie bullshit. Anyway, I’m going to sit back and just enjoy the show. I took a little nap just now, woke up, and then I got all teared up during “Fernando”. I definitely dig this flick. What a wonderful way to spend 95 minutes of my birthday.

“Give it to her, Theodore, right smack in the entertainment center!”

4:50pm – Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula (1979)

Just a few minutes into this and we realize three things: 1) this is likely a rip-off of Love at First Bite, 2) Nai Bonet, the woman who plays Nocturna, is already up for Worst Actress of the moviethon, and 3) the director goes by the name of Harry Tampa. Brother Theodore (of The ‘Burbs) plays Theodore, a werewolf servant of the Dracula family that is in love/lust with Nocturna and John Carradine plays an aging and whiny Dracula who wears dentures and has to go pee pee when he wakes up from his coffin. Times are so tough that Castle Dracula is now open as a hotel. They have hired a disco band to entertain the guests and Nocturna takes a liking to the hunky guitar player named Jimmy (played by Antony Hamilton). He teaches her how to dance and it is seriously pure genius. She claims not to know how to dance but Jimmy looks like a half rigor mortis chicken out on the floor.

Theodore has this horrible habit of literally wagging his tongue at Nocturna and I have to look away. At the disco party, Nocturna actually clears the floor by spinning like a top, her pink gown keeps hitting people in the face and they are forced to get the fuck out of her way. Of course, she has fallen in love with Jimmy and they fly away to New York together. She has to stay with a distant relative named Jugulia Vein (played by Yvonne De Carlo). This movie can’t possibly go on and yet it does. Nocturna cannot fucking act. She just smiles like a fool during entire scenes of dialog. It’s embarrassing to watch. Everyone (except for Theodore) is out-acting her. She attends a meeting of the BSA: Blood Suckers of America. Hee hee hee, so funny.

Man, this moviethon is killing me. I can’t remember ever sitting through this many piss poor movies ever. Even Doomed Divas was easier than this. The only character I like in this fart sandwich of a movie is R.H. Factor, the vampire pimp. He is played by Sy Richardson from Repo Man (that just blows my mind)! He owns a club called the Tricky Hickey. The scene where R.H.’s ladies trick a john into thinking he is gonna get some and drain his blood instead is pretty uncomfortable. It plays out like a porno but there’s no music or screwing. The disco scenes in New York are good and luckily, they don’t feature Nocturna at all. I bet Theodore and Count Dracula are gonna come to New York to try and force Nocturna to give up Jimmy. I hope they succeed or fail or whatever.

“Sweetmeat, I don’t believe that shit! Anywhere there’s a dollar
concerned you rhinestone studded punks is out to get it and I know it!”

7:07pm – Disco Godfather (1979)

Here is another film that I have actually seen before. I rented this Blaxploitation gem on VHS from Blockbuster back in the day as The Avenging Disco Godfather and it was a huge hit with my friends and I. Rudy Ray Moore is the Disco Godfather and his entrance is outstanding. He enters the disco and the place is lit up by the sequins on a jumpsuit that Elvis would have been too shy to wear even on his most drug-addled day. Julius Carry is in this as Bucky. He is known around this apartment as Lord Bowler of The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. Bucky is the nephew of the Disco Godfather, star of the basketball team and he’s been smoking too much of that stuff. What stuff? I don’t know.

When the Disco Godfather isn’t rhyming and working the equalizer at the DJ booth, he is telling people over and over to again to “put your weight on it”. The fun is spoiled by Bucky when he overdoses on that bad stuff he was smoking. He sees zombies and a crazy vampire lady with a samurai sword. It is sublime. A very informative doctor explains to the Disco Godfather that the drug Bucky had was “Angel Dust” AKA “PCP” AKA “The French Spider Cookie” (I might have made that last one up). In the hospital, Bucky’s hallucinations continue. This time the witch chops off his hand so he can’t play basketball anymore. That’s it! The Disco Godfather has had it! He’s going to take on this Angel Dust phenomenon and put a stop to it once and for all.

The DG (that’s short for “Disco Godfather”, BTW (and that’s short for “by the way”)) comes back to his club to find two suckas posing as telephone repair men. He beats the living shit out of them but they manage to get away. He knows that he has made somebody nervous but who? Not that any of this matters because the film treats us to some subpar roller boogie. You know what though, who am I to judge? Maybe there is no such thing as subpar roller boogie. The camera guy is in love with some these ladies in leotards. Shots of their booties just linger on and on. FYI (that’s short for “for your informativeness”), I ain’t complainin’. The Disco Godfather is wearing a new jumpsuit. This one is purple and exposes his chest all the way down to his belly for all the world. LeEtta wonders if he shops at Frederick’s of Hollywood. A gentleman named Sweetmeat (played by Jimmy Lynch) is the villain of the film. I don’t know what else to say about that except he is probably the dumbest badguy ever.

DG is also a quick change artist because when goes back to his office, he is instantly back in a suit and tie. He hooks up with a community group called Angels Against Dust. They want to “Attack The Wack” and stop this drug. One lady at the press conference gets the slogan wrong and keeps saying “Wack the Attack”. At yet another disco sequence, DG really gets a little too into his speech and it is friggin’ magical to behold. Someone in charge of continuity should have noticed that the token white guy hasn’t changed clothes since this movie began. A hit is put out on DG but then someone puts a hit out on the hitmen. I’m not making that up. This plot point is actually spelled out for you in the dialog. Anyway, this all goes down at the nightclub with bullets flying and really crummy editing. The close-ups of Rudy Ray Moore during this sequence are priceless.

At a party at Sweetmeat’s place there is a big pile cocaine (baking powder) on a Saturday Night Fever record. Nice snub, duder. Have I even mentioned all the kung-fu fighting in this film? Well, there is a plethora of it. DG gets pushed too far when his old friend is killed and his old friend’s dead dog is nailed to his door. He goes after the pushers and he starts yelling at a drugged out kid named Richard (Bucky’s best friend). I pretend that he’s yelling at me. The cops and DG figure how who the snitch on the force is and the tension really starts heating up. Sweetmeat captures Tucker and gives him a mega-sized dose of Angel Dust and the whole movie goes totally batshit crazy. While it is about 10 minutes too long, this movie will tear you a new one, I promise.

“You can never have enough women, Rich. The more you have,
the less in touch with reality you are.”

8:51pm – Disco Fever (1978)

My brain is thrashed right now. I can barely go on… And yet… I must…

At a nightclub called Cybil’s there is disco dancing. Wow. Really poorly choreographed and bad disco dancing. The audience is clapping along like zombies. The owner of club, named Cybil (played by Phoebe Dorin), tries to make a sexual innuendo but fails miserably. Enter Fabian as Richie Desmond, a washed up rock star from the good old days. He is bearded and looking pretty surly. Fabian goes method? Enter Casey Kasem as Brian Parker, his scumbag manager. Kasem goes method? These two actors have another thing in common: they don’t give a shit about this movie. The faded print of this bootleg and the obscurity of this title both contribute to the stink of failure hanging pouring out of my television right now.

They show a TV special about Richie Desmond on TV and it gets Cybil interested in him. Maybe this could be his lucky break. Cybil is a dang jerk. She bosses around her assistant Renny like she was her slave. Cybil wants to help Richie make a comeback but she is being a total fuckface about it. I really hate her. She takes Richie to a tarmac and shows him a plane. This plane is going to be a nightclub and she wants Richie to perform his old songs for the people at 35,000 feet. That’s her plan? Is this going to be a disco disaster movie? Cybil wants to fuck Richie but he is not interested. Of course, she’s an asshole about that too.

Some chick is getting harassed by a bunch of pieces of shit in a van. They want her to get high but she doesn’t want to. She runs away and Richie helps her get into the nightclub. Her name is Jill and she is falling for Richie. LeEtta baked me a delightful birthday cake today. It was yellow cake with vanilla icing. I am so happy and fat right now. When Richie performs his new song called “Movin’ On” at the nightclub, all of the people dancing start sharting blood out of their mouths. When Jill’s old boyfriend tries to harass her, Richie kicks the guy right in the dick. That was awesome. In the very next scene, Brian is half-raping some terrible chick he brought home from the club. He tricks her into snorting talcum powder off the shag carpet. Cybil shows up drunk just to be a bitch again.

Then the movie explodes into life with what I’ve been waiting for all through this moviethon: Motocross! LeEtta says that since there hasn’t been any roller-skating, they had to do something! Jill is a motocross chick and her old friends are too. They show up at the race and try to kill her on the track. A car gets wrecked and lots of stunts happen. It is simply enthralling. Cybil shows her hand and it is revealed that poor old Richie Desmond is going to open for some other singer and he can’t play any of his new material. Her contract (which his “friend” Brian tricked him into signing) stipulates that she controls the content of Richie’s live performances for not just the night of the big show but also FOR THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS! Does no one else think that this whole nightclub in an airplane thing is nuts?

People are piling onto the plane and all I can think of is did anyone give the pilot some talcum powder to snort? That (hopefully) could lead to some tragic results. The tragic results are Richie chucking his contract and playing his new songs. This shit is mesmerizingly bad. Renny stands up to Cybil and quits (the best part of the movie). The movie ends with Renny and Richie on the tarmac. She secretly stole the contracts and everything is gonna be okay! Last line of the movie: “You wanna go split a cheeseburger?” None of the stuff with Jill is resolved. Is Richie with Renny now? Why is that I can secretly enjoy something this bad? Perhaps, we’ll never know.

Conclusion

I am a broken man. I feel like someone with shit on their shoes did The Hustle on my mind. Saturday Night Fever is sitting there, looking at me. You know what? I do not give a dang. LeEtta told me that she thinks she had disco dreams last night. What have I done? I suspect that I have dug deep, deeeeep into a subgenre that no one should ever have looked into. How can films from a subgenre meant to make people dance in the aisles and have fun be so painful to sit through? All of these “Me Generation” dickwads deserve a beating. I have a sneaking suspicion that the best disco movies out there are probably just late 70s pornos. Oh well, I still love disco music and I have found a couple of movies that I will happily add to my collection so maybe I should just stop complaining. Thanks for reading, y’all. Now go and shake your groove thangs.

The Last Annual Disco of Death Awards Ceremony

Best Song: Abba – “Waterloo”

Worst Song: Fabian – “Movin’ On”

Best Actor: Ivan Dixon as “Lonnie” – Car Wash

Best Actress: Lorraine Gary as “Hysterical Woman (AKA Puke Hater)” – Car Wash

Worst Actor: Jim Bray as “Bobby” in Roller Boogie

Worst Actress: Nai Bonet as “Nocturna” in Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula

Best Musical Number: “Lucy In The Sky with Diamonds” – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Worst Musical Number: Nocturna learns to dance – Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula

Best Dressed: Donald Pleasence as “B.D. Hoffler” – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Worst Dressed: Fabian as “Richie Desmond” – Disco Fever

Worst Title Sequence: Skatetown USA

Best Surprise Casting: Carole Channing as “Guest at Heartland” – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Worst Surprise Casting: Scott Baio as “Richie”- Skatetown USA

Best Film: Skatetown USA

Worst Film: The Wiz