Satanic horror

Tragic Ceremony

Tragic Ceremony (1972)

One stormy night, four friends, led by rich boy Bill (Tony Isbert), run out of gas while returning from a camping trip and stop at a mansion for help. The lord of the house (played by Luigi Pistilli) invites them in but he is distracted by the group of Satanists he is entertaining. When one of the four friends, Jane (Camille Keaton), is to be used as a sacrifice in a ritual, Bill and his friends step in. After Bill accidentally kills the lady of the house (Luciana Paluzzi), the entire group of Satanists goes berserk and the night ends in bloodshed. The four friends flee the mansion with their lives but have no idea that there are still in grave danger.

One of Italy’s unsung heroes of horror, Riccardo Freda, directs this follow up to his 1971 giallo The Iguana with the Tongue of Fire. Though Tragic Ceremony takes a while to get going and is a little confusing (intentionally?), I can’t help but be happy about its DVD debut. The film is definitely a bizarre one. Its plot is as shaky as the sometimes inept yet elegant cinematography. How does that work? The lighting is acceptable but there are some occasional moments of brilliance. I really like Stelvio Cipriani’s sweeping, melodramatic, and overly sentimental score for the film.

Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave is quite good as Jane, the haunted, strange, and sometimes callous young woman that everybody (especially the Satanists) wants a piece of. Surprisingly, the main male actors in Tragic Ceremony are pretty dang good (not what I was expecting). While they may have some weak dialogue to contend with, Tony Isbert (I find that very amusing (is he really Bert?)), Máximo Valverde, and Giovanni Petrucci, all still manage to perform competently in this weird and somewhat wandering horror film.

My only gripe about the casting is that the late and oh so very great Luigi Pistilli is totally wasted in his brief role. Maybe he did it as a favor to the director but I was kind of disappointed by what is little more than an extended cameo. What can I say? This intense and charismatic guy is one of my favorites. Check out Your Vice Is A Locked Room And Only I Have The Key for one of his finest performances.

Those uninitiated into the world of Eurohorror might be alienated by this odd little number but diehard fans of the genre (and fans of Riccardo Freda especially) need to check out Tragic Ceremony. This flick has got some silly ass psychobabble, gratuitous nudity, supernatural hokum, ludicrously over-the-top gore, and even some sweet, sweet gothic excesses tossed in for good measure. Don’t let the meandering and fairly obvious plot put you off. I’m telling you, this one is worth it.

“The lady had exceptional mediumistic powers.”

Satan’s Wife

Satan’s Wife (1979)

The film opens with a disco satanic ritual featuring some nude dancers. Then we meet Carlotta (Anne Heywood), a former Satanist, and her daughter Daria (Lara Wendel), who Carlotta suspects is the child of Satan. Daria spends her time being a total asshole (so she has to be the devil’s kid) by torturing her teacher (Valentina Cortese) and a boy from her school. Carlotta seeks help from her witchy friends and even an evil priest (John Phillip Law) but Daria is too strong for them all. There is a final showdown but you’ll only see it if you’re still awake at the end of the movie.

If you were looking for the worst satanic horror film ever made, you’d meet up with Satan’s Wife AKA Ring of Darkness on your way down the list. Way, way down. Pier Carpi serves as both director and writer on this one and botches them both pretty good. The film is also edited poorly and it feels as though scenes are out of order but they probably aren’t. The dubbing is particularly atrocious as are the lame visual effects. Stelvio Cipriani’s score is a synthmare (which I normally appreciate) but sounds awfully familiar. It may be made up outtakes from other better film scores.

One reason to check out this mess is for all the great actors on hand. Anne “Chiseled Cheekbones” Heywood of The Killer Is On the Phone is great as the exasperated mother of the daughter of Satan. Heywood is always good for some Joan Collins level silliness and this film is no exception. Dig on her rocker makeup for the big final ceremony. Valentina Cortese of Juliet of the Spirits and Irene Papas of Oasis of Fear are pretty great and do a fine job in this terrible flick. John Phillip Law and Marisa Mell of Diabolik? What the hell? Were they bored that year or something? The insanely beautiful Paola Tedesco of Watch Me When I Kill is here as well but I wish she wasn’t. Tedesco, who hasn’t acted since the early 80s, is totally underused in this film.

Lara Wendel would show up for a grisly death scene in Tenebre a few years after this nightmare. She would even get starring roles in Umberto Lenzi’s wacko Ghosthouse and the completely ridiculous Joe D’Amato-produced Zombie 5: Killing Birds. In Satan’s Wife, Wendel has some pretty cool moments but mostly this child of the devil doesn’t act very evil. Daria just seems like a smug teenage jerk who is obsessed with dolls and occasionally talks directly to the camera. The potential is there for a really creepy performance but Pier Capri’s confused script just isn’t up to the task.

It’s impossible not to be a little underwhelmed and/or insulted by Satan’s Wife but if you’re like me, you’ll ignore the bad reviews and watch this sleazy crap anyway. Pier Carpi’s film is a bottom of the barrel Exorcist/Omen-clone but it does feature some unintentional comedy from the terrible dialogue, pitiful overacting, and wacky opening dance number. Pretty much everyone involved (except the director/writer) has done better work elsewhere. There are some interesting elements like how all of Carlotta’s old satanic buddies’ lives are destroyed because of their alliance to the dark lord. Hey, you know what? This film features a chess analogy! Okay, okay, don’t watch this one.

“Where did you get my sword? I told you never to go near that cupboard!”

Lucifera: Demon Lover

Lucifera: Demon Lover (1972)

Helga (Rosalba Neri) and her friends are out sightseeing one day when they pass by a lovely castle in the countryside. Inside they find a creepy butler (John Benedy) who invites them to dinner. Suddenly, Helga doesn’t feel very well and she is encouraged to have a rest in one of the bedrooms. She falls asleep and is transported to another time. In this past life, Helga is about to marry a handsome man named Hans (Ferdinando Poggi) but she is afraid that her marriage is cursed after a mysterious hooded stranger sees her wedding dress.

Desperate to prevent bad things from befalling her marriage, Helga approaches an old crone who tells her of a good luck spell. Helga needs her two friends to carry out this sketchy magic and they agree to join her at the gallows. Once the spell is cast, her friends are taken away by a coven of witches/vampires. Thinking that she has it made, Helga prepares for her big day but then a mysterious stranger named Gunther (Edmund Purdom) shows up and presents her with a new proposition. He offers her limitless pleasure and all she has to do is sacrifice Hans on her wedding night. Will Helga be tempted by the DEVILish man?

By the early 1970s, the Italian gothics had lost their edge. The budgets got smaller, the gore (yay!) and the sex (meh.) got more explicit, and things just seemed to be winding down for the subgenre. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. Obviously, I wish that more directors slumming in this crap had made some cheap gialli instead. And yet there are some magnificent films from this era (such as The Devil’s Wedding Night and Blood Castle) but they are usually campy and more than a little rough around the edges. Paolo Lombardo’s 1972 film, Lucifera: Demon Lover, is a particularly clunky example of compensating for a lack of suspense and scares by throwing in more skin.

The title card promises the audience a film in the tradition of the Grand Guignol. Well, this mishmash of Satanic horror, vampirism, sex, torture, and low cut gowns is definitely entertaining once it gets going (after the friggin’ half hour mark). The cinematography by Antonio Modica is a little drab for my tastes but he gets the job done. I really dig the musical score by Elvio Monti. He gets points for keeping things nice and tacky. The plot is a little gamy with its reliance on adding too many characters and trashy sex scenes (not that I was all that surprised).

I love Rosalba Neri (Amuck!) and she is definitely the best thing about this movie (despite some busty competition from some of her co-stars). I really love how her character Helga is willing to sacrifice her friends because she thinks it will protect her. Nice job spoiling your innocence, you dumb stupid idiot. Of course, I would be a fool not to mention the awesome Edmund Purdom (of Rosso Sangue) who makes his Gunther AKA Satan character into a real charmer. There are some other kind of cool actors involved here but none of them get to do much acting. Plus, there’s just too much going to keep track of everybody. How many sped up sword-fights can one man handle? The answer is none but this film has more than that.

While picking on the logic of a film with a setup as thin as Lucifera: Demon Lover is a little too easy, I have to call this one out on a few doozies. First up is one actress complaining about how dark it’s getting outside and how she and her friends should hurry home. Lady, it ain’t even dusk! It continues to look like 2 in the afternoon for the next few scenes and boy is it distracting. The other mistake that I cannot overlook is the cellophane window. There is a scene where someone is standing in a doorway and the windowpanes of the door are covered in cellophane stapled to the frame. I did not realize they had that stuff back in medieval Italy.

What can I say? I hate to be a jerk to Lucifera: Demon Lover but this is one mediocre flick. As usual, I’m trying not to let my love for Italian trash override my ability to judge this sexed up and only slightly bloody junk objectively. If you can’t get enough of Rosalba Neri (and seriously who the hell can?), then check this one out. You’ll be better off with something more fun (and more lucid) like her classic performance in Lady Frankenstein. All the thunderstorms, candelabras, graveyards, and see through negligees can’t save this one but you could definitely find worse ways to waste 80 minutes. Oh and what the hell was with that last line? Paolo Lombardo (who also wrote this ass-terpiece) had no idea how to gracefully end his film and so we get Edmund Purdom spouting some gibberish and smirking at the camera before the “FINE” pops up.

“My wedding dress. It was contaminated.”

Mercury Screams

Mercury Screams (2018)

The 12th episode of “Regional Speculative Paranormal Research Program” caused a sensation when it aired on October 18th, 1984. The subject of the program: A husband and wife attempt to escape the trauma of losing a child by starting their lives over. These two damned souls don’t know what horrors await them in the form of an inter-dimensional satanic force. This televised supernatural psychodrama wrought havoc on the prenatal wards within the small area of its transmission. Were these horrific events foretold and was this only the beginning?

This short film by writer/director/producer Dan Wilder does something that every horror short should aspire to, which is to leave the viewer wanting more. I wish that Mercury Screams was feature length and I hope that there are more pieces of this dark puzzle coming soon. The subject matter is wildly disturbing but the faux cable access presentation makes for some evil fun. It’s lovingly filmed and edited with a retro flair. The film feels like a lost transmission from a demented Earth that went off its axis in the mid-1980s mixed with a doomsday cult’s recruitment VHS tape.

Jigoku

Jigoku (1960)

[Some spoilers ahead.]

Shiro Shimizu (played by Shigeru Amachi) has got some real problems. While hanging out with his “friend” Tamura (Yoichi Numata) one night, he takes part in the hit and run of a gangster. This gangster’s mother (Kiyoko Tsuji) witnesses the crime and vows her revenge on both Tamura and Shiro (even though he wasn’t driving) with the aid of her son’s girlfriend Yoko (Akiko Ono). As if this weren’t bad enough, Shiro’s fiancée Yokiko (Utako Mitsuya) is killed in a taxi accident the night she was going to tell him something very important. While falling into Yoko and the gangster’s mom’s trap and shunned by his future in-laws, Shiro gets a letter from home that his mother is dying.

While his mother (played by Kimi Tokudaiji) lay dying in a cheap and corrupt rest home, Shiro’s father (Hiroshi Hayashi) is living in the next room with his mistress. Shiro meets Sachiko (Akiko Ono again), a girl who reminds him an awful lot of his dead fiancée and who he immediately has a crush on. She lives at the rest home with her drunken artist father who sells his paintings of hell to get by. Tamura shows up in town to cause more trouble for Shiro as does Yoko and the gangster’s mom. Someone serves some bad fish at the rest home’s tenth anniversary (plus there’s a bottle of poison sake going around) and next thing you know, pretty much every single character we’ve met up to this point goes straight to freakin’ hell.

But wait, there’s more! Now in hell, Shiro discovers some disturbing revelations about his family and is forced to face all of his earthly sins. Oh and Enma, the king of hell, is going to get his money’s worth torturing him for all eternity. In the underworld, Yoko reveals to Shiro that she was going to tell him she was pregnant the night she died and that their unborn child is trapped somewhere in hell. Our whiny miserable “hero” decides to get his shit together and go rescue their child so that she won’t suffer along with all the lost souls who totally deserve to be there. But will this young man’s will be enough to challenge the will of the king of hell? Wait, why is Sachiko in hell? She’s a nice girl? Oh man, why is there a river of pus and excrement? That’s just nasty! These questions and many more are answered in Jigoku!

What’s the most fun you could ever have going to hell? With legendary wacko director Nobuo Nakagawa’s 1960 film, Jigoku, you silly! The cacophonous and sensual opening credit sequence alone is enough to make this one of the strangest film about H-E-double hockey sticks. Jigoku is as much about the tortures of hell as it is about guilt and what spectacular failures human beings are. There’s also melodrama so overwrought and irony so ironic it’s almost too ironic for me to even be talking about it. Either way, I bet you haven’t seen anything quite like this before.

I’ve rarely enjoyed a movie that was this hard to sit through. Its two sections, the earthly plane and the world of hell, are both filled with agony and misery. The second half just has more screaming. The feeling of dread is excruciating as everything just keeps spinning out of control. Lives are wrecked and people just keep making stupid ass choices that land their butts on the griddle. The tortures awaiting them, though cheesily staged, are brutal. There’s a demon whose job it is to smash yer dang teeth in. Hey, it’s a living! The compositions by cinematographer Mamoru Morita are striking and the film’s wild score by the prolific Michiaki Watanbe is simply mind-blowing.

All of the actors are totally devoted to this piece of insanity. You know you’ve got an excellent cast when the viewer is willing to die and go to hell with them. And it takes a great actor to make an unpleasant character into a fascinating portrait and that is just what Shigeru Amachi does with Shiro. The funniest aspect of this character is how he is a magnet for women. Yukiko, Yoko, Sachiko, and even his father’s mistress, all go for this friggin’ guy.

However, for me, the shining star of Jigoku is Yoichi Numata (of Ringu). I think it was around the second time that Tamura materialized out of thin air that I realized this character had a little more up his sleeve than just a sleazy prankster. It is quite clear that this roguish gentleman is a catalyst for a sin, a mad soul from hell on an unholy mission, a total dickweed trying to make everyone suffer as much as he, etc. Numata’s performance is wildly over-the-top, spastic, and totally perfect.

Is Jigoku a classic film? Oh yeah. Is it also shrill as hell (really, duder, like “hell”?) and a little (read as: a lot) exasperating during some of its running time? Mm-hm. It’s a fairly obvious art movie that is trying to hide behind its tawdry tapestry of misery and horror. I urge you to watch this film as soon as you can but I must warn you: You will go to hell and your screams of perpetual torment will go unnoticed in the chaotic din of eternity. Bring your friends! Jigoku is a great date movie as well. But you’re not getting laid after it’s over.

The Legacy

legacy

The Legacy (1978)

Margaret Walsh (Katharine Ross) and her boyfriend Pete (Sam Elliott) run an interior design firm in San Francisco. They are invited to come to England to work on a project. Everything is very hush hush but the money is too good to refuse so they agree to the project. In jolly old England, they meet Jason Mountolive (John Standing) who invites them to stay at his mansion after they have a little motorcycle accident. Turns out he is this really ancient duder with some black magic powers and a coven of six people that Margaret is the newest member of. Suddenly, everyone starts dying in mysterious ways and yeah, that’s the plot.

This horror/romance(?) movie has the lavish sets but not the gothic feel. The tone is further hampered by its romance novel whimsy. Sam Elliott is great and all and a gratuitous butt shot never hurt any actor’s career, right? But he just seems completely out of place in every scene. I can’t say I’m all about the Katharine Ross (The Stepford Wives) either. The rest of the cast is pretty stellar with lots of familiar faces from British cinema. Charles Gray from The Rocky Horror Picture Show shows up, looks very suspicious, and speaks in that insanely cool voice of his before dying spectacularly. Roger Daltrey makes the most of his death scene by taking it to comic proportions.

The Legacy has been avoiding me and now I see why. However, 1970s horror is alive and well in this one as the ancient evil gets hip to the ‘Me Generation’. There are some great moments and a couple of cool death scenes but much of this film is pretty bland and impossible to take seriously (which is normally a good thing). British director Richard Marquand would go on to bigger and better things but it’s hard to believe this looked all that good on his resume.

In the hands of a Spanish or Italian director with less than half the budget, we could have had something really special here. My biggest complaint is that the few chilling moments show that with a little more care, The Legacy could have been something really special. The ending is definitely interesting and makes evil seem like it could be pretty fun if you just keep on smiling. And good luck getting past the wretched opening song. It’s a big old 70s sub-AM turd called “Another Side of Me” by Kiki Dee.

 

Invitation to Hell

invitationtohell

Invitation to Hell (1984)

The Winslow family has relocated so that Matt, the dad (Robert Urich), can start his new job at an electronics corporation called Micro-Digitech. His special talent with electronics will be applied to a new spacesuit the company is developing. This heat resistant spacesuit is equipped with a deadly laser, a flamethrower, and sensors that can detect whether or not a being is human or not. Hmm, I wonder if that will come in handy later?

The Winslows have a beautiful home in an idyllic neighborhood but things aren’t all that they seem. Jessica Jones (Susan Lucci), director of the Steaming Springs country club keeps encouraging Matt and his family to join. But this is no ordinary country club. The membership fee is very reasonable; it will only cost you your soul! Matt is able to resist the temptations of Steamy Springs but his dumb family are a bunch of selfish twits who don’t know any better. Now he has to put on a friggin’ spacesuit and go save them.

Released only months before A Nightmare on Elm Street destroyed the world, Invitation to Hell is one of Wes Craven’s best failures. Like his pitiful Deadly Friend, this cheesy and incredibly dated made-for-TV movie bears absolutely no resemblance to other Craven classics like Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes. I’m just now discovering a bunch of these little televised gems from Craven’s body of work for myself and so far I’m not regretting it at all.

Screenwriter Richard Rothstein (who went on to write Universal Soldier) did most of the damage so I guess it really doesn’t matter who directed this thing. The plot is laughably generic and the camp value hits great heights once Matt’s family gets possessed by demons. The goofy special effects (mostly fog machines, lasers and matte paintings) are never very impressive but are a helluva lotta fun, especially in the film’s not-so-climactic climax.

Oh man, the cast is like so totally awesome. Robert Urich, super macho badass of the century, plays something of a wimp in this one. Matt takes way more shit than he should but makes up for it with a few blasts from his laser gun. Joanna Cassidy (of Bladerunner) plays his sweet but materialistic wife who turns into a vicious vamp once she gets possessed. Soleil Moon Frye is so adorable as their daughter, Crissy, especially when she starts talking in that demonic voice. The shit is priceless. Even Joe Regalbuto (always good at playing a sleazeball) and the friggin’ amazing Kevin McCarthy (of UHF and The Howling) are also in this one. Yet it is Susan Lucci who steals the show as Jessica Jones (sounds like a porn name), the megabitch from hell.

All of you fabulous purveyors of silly 80s crap, need to get your hands on Invitation to Hell. This little throwaway TV blunder is pretty dang awesome if you’re willing to let it steal your soul for a little while. The super sweet ending proves once and for all that only love can conquer the forces of evil. No, I’m serious. Without love, evil country clubs will take a hot steaming demonic dump on your family. Especially your children. Is that what you want? A bunch of Satan’s excrement on your kids? Fine, be that way.

“We are the winners. We have to get rid of the losers.”

Church, The

church-the

The Church (1989)

Sometime in the 12th century, a group of Teutonic knights slaughtered a group of Pagans thinking them to plagued by a Satanic curse. A church was built on top of the site of the massacre. 800 years later, Evan the librarian (Tomas Arana) uncovers an ancient document that details a horrifying incident which inspired the design of the church. The closer Evan gets to uncovering the truth, the more bizarre and horrifying events begin to take place. When blood is shed inside the church, an automatic locking system traps everyone inside. Father Gus (Hugh Quarshie) tries to do his best to find the secret of the church’s architect in order to destroy the demonic plague before it spreads outside the church and destroys the world.

Michele Soavi (Stagefright) directs The Church AKA La Chiesa, an exercise in unholy atmosphere and gory entertainments. Visually, this film is nearly perfect: the razor-sharp cinematography, moody lighting, and must-be-seen-to-be-believed setpieces all come together in a dizzying explosion of hot and goopy damnation. The soundtrack provided by Keith Emerson, Philip Glass, Fabio Pignatelli, and Goblin is fantastic without a trace of any inappropriate heavy metal or silly pop.

Where the film goes wrong is in the writing. There are 8 or so writing credits (some credited, some not) heaped on The Church and you can really tell. This is one confusing film with many, many unanswered questions. The best unintentionally hilarious moment comes when Barbara Cupisti’s character calls the police from her (seemingly remote) cabin and their response time is around 30 seconds. Those viewers who need to understand what they’re watching will want to avoid this film. Oh, and the English dubbing. Holy crow, there are some awful voices and performances in this one.

TV and film actor, Hugh Quarshie, is excellent as Father Gus but where’s the dang character development? It’s pretty obvious that he’s the hero of the story once Evan the librarian goes south but the film could have easily devoted some time to giving some background to what drives Father Gus. Put Tomas Arana (Body Puzzle) on the list of actors that I don’t trust. Seriously, this guy is really creepy and I really hope he gets some more starring roles in horror films.

The Church sports quite a familiar faces from the Italian horror world. With an unforgettably menacing visage, Feodor Chaliapin Jr. (Dario Argento’s Inferno) is great as the creepy bishop. The queen of the overbites, Barbara Cupisti (Stagefright), plays Lisa, a young woman working at restoring the church’s frescos. The lovely and criminally underused actress Antonella Vitale gets all messed up in her role as “Bridal Model”. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for even more Italian horror awesomeness: John Richardson of Fear, Giovanni Radice of House On The Edge Of The Park, and of course, Asia Argento of The Stendhal Syndrome and Trauma.

The Church is a visually stunning film with a seriously battered and neglected script. The plot trails off several times and the WTF? factor is quite high throughout the running time. Thanks to Dario Argento’s producer credit, this film is quite lavish when compared to much of the late 80s Italian horror output. (Note: Supposedly, Dario Argento imposed some cuts to the film against Soavi’s wishes which might explain much of the film’s confusing narrative.) Also, you’ll have a tough time trying to find a film with as much blasphemy, perversion, and gore as The Church. The extremely talented Soavi went on to do even more amazing films such as The Sect and Cemetery Man before spending time directing made-for-TV action and drama films. We should all collectively pray that he returns to horror very soon.

“C’mon, have a biscuit! They’re groovy!”