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Slaughterhouse Rock
Directed by Dimitri Logothetis
Released: 1988
Starring: Nicholas Celozzi, Tom Reilly, Tamara Hyler, and Toni Basil
Running Time: 90 minutes
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Alex (played by Nicholas Celozzi) has been
having nightmares about a cannibalistic Confederate soldier known as “The
Commandant” who hangs out in Alcatraz. These night terrors are so bad that the line
between reality and dreams has become blurred. Recently, a rock band led
by Sammy Mitchell (Toni Basil) was slaughtered in the famous prison while
recording a music video. Alex, his brother Richard (Tom Reilly), and a
bunch of their friends decide to go to Alcatraz before Alex’s dreams drive
him crazy. They are joined by Alex’s new girlfriend Jan (Tamara Hyler) and
paranormal expert Carolyn (Donna Denton). After Richard is possessed by
the spirit of “The Commandant” and starts killing their friends, it’s up
to Alex and the ghost of Sammy to stop him.
Why did this movie take me so long to find? Why was I looking for it? The
answer to the second question is simple: Toni Basil “starring” in a horror
movie. I am just slightly obsessed with the 80s dance princess and boy oh
boy did I ever get burned on this one. This is easily one of the most
irritating movies I’ve ever seen. When you spend two bucks on a VHS tape,
you don’t always get gold. Surprised?
The direction and editing of Slaughterhouse Rock
scream heavy metal video at first but this slick aesthetic is quickly
abandoned for a very, very bland tone for most of the film. In fact, I
kept waiting for a music and dance sequence to break out and save this
flick from its own mediocrity. Toni Basil’s fictional rock band doesn’t
even get a music video! Cripes man, if only the crew behind this bloated
bag of ass-wind had at least tried to make something out of their stolen
ideas from The Evil Dead, this picture might
have at least been salvageable.
Unlikeable characters, pitiful dialogue, and an uninspired (or untalented)
cast come together to put the finishing touches on the feces
finger-painting the production team started. The worst offender is
Nicholas Celozzi who has the unfortunate task of portraying Alex, our
hero. Not only is this guy a whiny douche, every line he gets is
sarcastic. Every single line! However, his bottomless sarcasm is no match
for Tamara Hyler’s blandness. Hyler plays the comically boring and
painfully plain Jan, who is seen reading a copy of “Love’s Tender Fury”.
Okay, there were some good folks in Slaughterhouse
Rock. For instance, the gratuitous nudity comes from the
surprisingly good Hope Marie Carlton (Slumber Party
Massacre III) who plays Krista, Richard’s girlfriend (and demonic
rape victim). Tom Reilly is acceptable as Richard, Alex’s doomed brother
and makes for a creepy baddie once he’s possessed. Donna Denton (who
should have done more horror movies) is the right kind of cheesy as
Carolyn, the supernatural enthusiast and cloak-wearer.
Toni Basil, the shining light in the darkness, doesn’t show up until 45
minutes into the film but takes full advantage of her screen time. Her
character, occult rocker Sammy Mitchell, gets nearly a dozen costume
changes and lots of candy ass dialogue about demonic possession and
metaphysical mumbo jumbo. Basil camps it up and makes her scenes worth
waiting for.
Some nasty gore setpieces and a (barely existent) soundtrack by DEVO don’t
save this flick from the nonexistent logic, disjointed scenes, and shitty
editing. Show those fast-forwarded clouds again. THEY ARE SO SPOOKY! Or
how about we run some clips of things that happened earlier in the movie?
Nice! That was sarcasm, Alex. Get it? No, you probably don’t. Not even the
great Toni Basil can save Slaughterhouse Rock
from itself. I can gripe and gripe some more about how this film could
have been better but I won’t. I did like the old ledger that contains the
writings of Indian medicine men. I’ll be checking that out at my local
library.
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Quotes:
“Does an accordion player wear a pinky ring?” |
