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Suburban Secrets
Directed By Joseph W. Sarno
Released: 2004
Starring: Isadora Edison, Chelsea Mundae, Tina Tyler, and A.J. Khan
Running Time: 150 minutes (Director’s Cut)
DVD Released By E.I. Independent
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Laura (played by Isadora Edison), a nude model for
mens’ magazines, returns home to Walden Springs when she discovers that
her aunt Cynthia (Tina Tyler) is seeing her former lover, Nelson Nyland
(John Samuel Jordan). Nelson is one of the partners in a law firm with his
sister Judith (Kay Kirtland) with whom he’s having an affair. This
scandalous affair has not gone unnoticed by Louise (A.J. Kahn), one of the
Nyland’s secretaries and wannabe novelist, who wants to put all of the
juicy details into a tell-all book. Laura’s sister, Winnifred (Chelsea
Mundae), who also works for the Nyland firm discovers that Louise has a
crush on her and decides to use it to prevent the book from ever coming
out.
Everything gets more complicated once Nelson is in the doghouse with
Cynthia and he tells Judith they shouldn’t see each other anymore. He
bumps into Laura by chance in the park and they start up a new affair.
This enrages Judith who asks her to leave town immediately and let Nelson
go for good this time. Laura approaches her Aunt Cynthia for advice and
discovers even more dirty little secrets about their family.
Joseph Sarno has been directing softcore sex films since the early 1960s.
Suburban Secrets
is definitely a worthy (albeit quite late) entry in his career. The plot
is where the film actually shines in that it delivers several sex scenes
as well as actually sticks to an intriguing melodramatic storyline.
Another surprise comes from the script. I almost want to cry the dialogue
is so beautifully corny. Why can’t the real world be like this? In Sarno’s
world, everyone’s problems are solved by sex. Genius.
Isadora Edison leads the cast in
Suburban Secrets and I couldn’t think
of a better choice (even though Misty Mundae supposedly turned down the
role). Edison is a curvy lady with bewitching features and a considerable
amount of acting ability. Like I said before, the dialogue in this movie
is from some distant dreamland and it must have taken a considerable
effort to deliver it straight-faced. Tina Tyler is great as the wise Aunt
Cynthia who is way, way in touch with her sexuality. A.J. Kahn (Shock-O-Rama)
is excellent as Louise, the snoopy novelist (and worst receptionist in the
world).
Kay Kirtland got on my nerves during her sex scenes by constantly
screaming “Now!” over and over again but she plays the vicious vamp
perfectly here. John Samuel Jordan is pretty convincing as Nelson, a man
with absolutely no control over his sexual appetites (no one does in this
movie!). The scene where he can’t read through a stack of law documents
because he is too flustered by his sister’s flirtations (incest is wacky!)
is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in years.
It is clear that Sarno truly respects his actors and everyone involved in
Suburban Secrets
is completely invested in the material. The long running time of the
"Director’s Cut" of the film may seem just a tad overlong for most folks
but I’ll be damned if the time doesn’t just fly by (it’s probably the
lesbian scenes). The ladies are beautiful, the melodramatic situations and
the dialogue are outrageously funny, and all-in-all, it’s just a classy softcore production with an old school feel.
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DVD Stuff:
The 1.78:1 widescreen print of Suburban Secrets looks great and the audio
is very clear as well. I was surprised to see such a plethora of extras
including a second disc of the “Hot TV Cut” which runs 70 minutes shorter
than the “Director’s Cut”. There are a couple of featurettes which are
quite interesting as they highlight the career of Joseph W. Sarno and
feature interviews with the cast. In one of them, Sarno refers to
Suburban Secrets
as his “ode to the feminine orgasm”. He adds: “It comes over loud and
clear, if you understand me.” There are a whole mess of Retro-Seduction
movie trailers (these are a must see!).
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Links:
For more info, hit up
Seduction Cinema or
Pop Cinema.
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Quotes:
Louise: “I bet as soon as they’re alone, Mr. Attorney-At-Law Nyland fast
strokes little Miss Schneider ‘til her brass bedstead plays 8 bars of The
Charleston.”
Laura: “Don’t forget about me, you mad crazy shutterbug.”
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