Creepozoids
Directed By David DeCoteau
Released: 1987
Starring Linnea Quigley, Richard L. Hawkins, Kim McKamy, and Ken Abraham
Running Time: 72 minutes

In 1998 (the future), a group of AWOL soldiers, lead by Jake (Richard L. Hawkins), decide to avoid WWIII as well as the deadly acid rain and hide out in an abandoned building about 400 miles from New L.A. They soon discover their hideout is some kind of genetic laboratory where the scientists have been killed and a horrifying monster is on the loose. Now the soldiers must organize their limited resources and fight for their lives.

Frankly, I’m disappointed with you, Mr. DeCoteau. I thought that the works that lead up to classics such as Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and Murder Weapon would be far more fantastically entertaining. With Creepozoids, I found that the minimal sets, a cast of six (six!), drab costumes, and ponderous dialogue leave me wanting so much more. Could someone please tell Guy Moon that the keys on his synthesizer are stuck together throughout most of the soundtrack? Yikes. But wait, there’s still some monster poop in the ventilation shaft. Let’s do this.

In the future, there will be nerds such as Jesse (played Michael Aranda) who are masters of those complex DOS programs so important to the scientists of tomorrow. Spoiler alert(?): Jesse dies because he eats. Kim McKamy (Dreamaniac, Evil Laugh) keeps her clothes on as the voice of reason (and most likely to become a zombie), Kate. The sexual tension between her and fearless leader Jake could be cut with a knife or a laser blast. Oh, Jake if only you had a better team behind you or this could have turned out better for everyone. What am I saying? Bianca in the house!

Linnea Quigley (Night Of The Demons) plays Bianca, a free spirit (shower sex scene) and tough little cookie whose taste in men is questionable. Take some advice from me: Butch (Ken Abraham) ain’t goin’ nowhere, honey. I can only watch with a song in my heart as Bianca battles giant mutated lab mice like there’s no tomorrow. And who can help but be under whelmed by the fight choreography during the Bianca/Zombie Kate beat down?

Not surprisingly, Creepozoids doesn’t really end so much as stop. It just seems like they like ran out of movie. Once Jake (whose neck is very important to the plot) busts out the glowing green mystery serum to destroy the monster, it’s pretty much over for me. Oh wait, the monster just had a baby! Forget it, I’m already done. Lacking the naiveté and silly charm of other DeCoteau flicks of the late 80s, Creepozoids is an inept but watchable near miss. The fact that it borrows from Alien, The Evil Dead, Re-Animator, and others isn’t really the problem. But what is? The answers certainly don’t lie in the cryptic DOS diary. Eh, needs more Quigley. But then again so does every movie.

Quotes:

Bianca: “If this is poison, give me more!”

Butch: “Hey c’mon, more than three shakes and you’re whackin’ it.”