Prime Evil is a prime piece of crap. If I were Satan, I'd be ashamed to have anything as bad as this film associated with my name. No, really, this film sucks. Even compared to the countless morons who associate themselves with Satanism in an effort to evoke fear in lieu of respect from their peers, the actors cast to portray Satan's acolytes are retarded. I swear I would rather have spent the time I wasted on this film watching John Wayne play hide the salami with Joan Crawford.

It begins with a useless scene of slaughter set in the Middle Ages. Thomas Seton (the head villain of the piece played by William Beckwith) kills those priests in his church that don't worship Satan. Granted, I like slaughter scenes, but beyond the titillating offer of red corn syrup, I was simply irritated. The monks weren't tonsured properly and they looked like they'd just shagged the local whore, and there wasn't enough fake blood. The only thing they got right in this scene was that the monks' robes were brown.

Next we see a priest staggering across a snow covered courtyard, clutching his arm. I don't know about you, but I think I'd call 911. But no, these people are too slow to recognize the signs of a heart attack. In any case, he kicks the bucket.

After a sacrifice scene that can only make you laugh, we see the main offering (literally). Alexandra Parkman (Christine Moore of Lurkers) is the granddaughter of one of Satan's followers. She works at a shelter for druggies, abused women, or abused druggies, or something. We're introduced to one of her success stories a few scenes before the woman is abducted by the satanic cult's creepy goon. You can't really be sorry for the druggie though. She can't act worth shit

After that, we meet Alexandra's friend who doesn't seem to understand the objective of exercise. I say this because she is walking on a 1980's version of a Stairmaster backwards while eating Cheetos. She is the only one in the cast who talks with a southern accent, and she obsesses on sex. I'm thinking there is some kind of slur in there, but I'm sooooooo drunk I can't think what it could be. She does have a great line though (not too many in this film): "You're extreme to the other extreme."

After this we go back to the church where no one knows the number for 911. An irritating nun and a bishop discuss how the dead priest was a Satan worshipper. The nun tells about how her mom tried to sacrifice her, but her father saved her. I cried. No, really, I did.

Several boring scenes go by and then we see Alexandra's grandfather, George, and Thomas Seton. They don't look too bad for being several hundred years old. I do have to wonder how they convince people about their age. Do they move to a new town every 50 years or so? In any case, neither of these guys are too bright, but at least Seton isn't totally clueless. George is about as bright as a 2 watt lightbulb. We find out that Alexandra's father was sacrificed by his own father when George tells Seton "My son deserved to die. He abused my granddaughter." Yeah and offering her up for a sacrifice doesn't count as abuse. Seton, well aware of the subtle distinction between the two, reminds George, "Remember, you get extra points if she's a virgin." Yeah, right Seton, do you really think a woman in her twenties with a nice face and good tits is going to be a virgin? I don't think so. Even if she looked like Ron Jeremy, some guy is going to sweet talk his way between her thighs before she graduates high school.

More boring scenes go by, and I try to stay awake. Within those scenes are useless data such as, George hates Seton, George wants to take over the world, the druggy has gone missing (she's with Seton), the nun is going to join the cult, and Alexandra's mother hates her in-laws. Despite hating her in-laws, Alexandra's mother is talked into attending a party thrown by her father-in-law, George. I's a really crappy party, but we do see Seton put the move on Alexandra while her fiancee is watching. George asks his daughter-in-law to let Alexandra live with him, and she, in a fit of predictable foreshadowing, tells him, "Over my dead body." Can you guess what the next scene shows? If you guessed the murder of Alexandra's mother, you win!

OK, you'd think they could come up with a better way of offing the mother, but no, the creepy goon holds the mother's head semi-steady while pouring some kind of alcohol into her mouth. Not only is this not real, only a moron would think it a feasible way to murder someone. Couldn't they have pulled a potassium injection? Or maybe they could have made up some "mystery fluid" that can't be traced by forensics. Not that I can't believe that the mother would eventually die from alcohol. God knows she couldn't appear in a scene without a glass in her hand. I guess I could understand if my husband were murdered by his own father in a satanic ritual, I might become an alky too. Then again, maybe the actress couldn't face the fact that she was actually in this film, and they simply worked around her penchant for drunkenness.

In the mean time the nun is being inducted into the cult of 'tards. It seems that to denounce God you have to smash a ceramic crucifix. This makes me wonder, if you run into a semi that is carrying a bunch of ceramic crucifixes, does that make you a Satanist? In any case, she gets a nice new pendant to proclaim herself a follower of that glorious queen Seton and his master Satan.

After this comes the non-existent funeral where George gets Alexandra together with Seton by asking her fiancee for moral support. I don't know why he would need moral support. He never talked to the woman, and his cheerful expression belies his lack of grief at her demise. This just exacerbates the situation between Alexandra and her fiancee. His jealousy seems completely unfounded though. Seton isn't that good-looking and God knows he probably can't get it up anymore. I mean, honestly, how many Viagra do you think he's going to have to swallow before Mr. Happy will stand at attention? Still, he manages to make enough of a nuisance of himself that the Satanists decide to off him. Of course, intellectual giants that they are, they have the goon shove him off the roof of THEIR OWN CHURCH. Like that's not going to look suspicious.

Before the fiancee gets offed, the creepy goon tries to cop a feel on one of the girls he kidnapped for Seton. Seton gets angry and threatens to return him to the insane asylum. This doesn't sit too well with the creepy goon, so he attacks Seton. But Seton has already paid his dues to Satan, and so easily manages to subdue the creepy goon. Unfortunately the girl resists Seton's hypnotic (literally) charm and has to be destroyed. Darn. You know there aren't too many big breasted addicts on the street to kidnap.

Next comes the scene with the only non-white person in the whole film. A nice Hispanic lady gets to play the maid and comfort Alexandra when she has a nightmare. Aren't equal opportunity employers great? Way to go, whitey.

Ready for another kidnap scene? Hope you said yes, because this time it's Alexandra's retarded, sex-fiend of a friend. Don't ask me how, but she's swimming alone in the gym's pool after the gym has closed. Hey, maybe she works there. I don't know. I don't know how the creepy goon gets in either, but he does. Thank God he's not in a swimsuit. I do not want to see this guy in a Speedo. Yuk! No, instead of taking off his clothes, he pulls his sweatshirt hood over his head and then jumps into the pool. Real smart, huh? Still, he does manage to get the job done.

After this, Detective Collins (T.J. Glenn of Igor and the Lunatics) introduces a prostitute/druggie to Alexandra. Since there is no room at the inn, Alexandra makes the brilliant executive decision to take the girl home. The girl leaves and starts turning tricks on the street again. The creepy goon miraculously manages to pick her up. Wow, never saw that one coming. In any case, she and the other two chicks are set up to perform some ceremony in the basement of Seton's church. I have no idea what it is for, other than to give a brief and useless view of three naked women. Honestly people, if I want to see naked chicks, I'll buy a copy of the latest Hustler or, better yet, order the Spice channel. (I'm sure they have at least one lesbian show.) I'm not going to pause the film and spank my monkey to a still shot of naked chicks in a horror film.

Don't worry, it's almost over now. Next up is the scene where Detective Collins figures out that Alexandr's going to be sacrificed on December 21. They try to show the logic of his conclusion, but the only thing that sticks out in my mind is the other cop's rather poorly rendered imitation of Dana Carvey's "Church Lady". They both race down to Seton's church which, luckily for them, is unlocked. They enter with guns drawn, but Seton can't be killed. Gee, who would have guessed? Seton incapacitates the cops and returns to the sacrifice.

You know, after this, I was so hoping that Alexandra wouldn't be saved. The perfect ending would have been for everyone to die in a fire. However, we are not given such a visual treat. Instead we have to watch while Seton cups Alexandra's ripe, young breast before handing her over to her grandfather to stab to death. But we are denied this as well. You see, the sacrifice is combined with an unimaginative orgy on the part of the followers. When creepy goon grabs the nun, she goes ballistic (I would too) and grabs the knife from George's hand. While everyone is making out in a very un-erotic manner, she stabs the crappily rendered rubber demon that represents Satan. Everyone begins to melt except Seton. (I guess he's special.) The nun grabs Alexandra and the three kidnapped chicks and run upstairs. The now conscious cops meet them at the top of the stairs where the nun issues the titular line, "It's Prime Evil."

Ha! There's one more scene. One which attempts to set up for the thankfully non-existent sequel. We see Seton, indestructible bastard that he is, shopping for a new church. (Yes, you can buy a church.) It's like they're threatening us with more of Prime Evil, but God (not Satan) willing, this story will never be resurrected.