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Hatchetman
Directed by Robert Tiffi
Released: 2003
Starring: Cheryl Burns, Jon Briddell, Mia Zottoli, Nina Tapanin, and Chris Moir
Running Time: 97 minutes
Cheryl Burns plays Claudia, a stripper working on her applications to various law schools. She is dating, Sonny (Jon Briddell), a detective who barely has enough time for her now that there is a serial killer on the loose. The killer has been nicknamed Hatchetman by the media and has a propensity for cutting off and keeping women’s hands. Not only are the killer’s victims all strippers from the club where Claudia works but they also happen to live in the same apartment building where Claudia lives. As their friends are taken out one by one, Claudia and newbie stripper, Molly (Nina Tapanin), try their best to stay alive with a killer out to get them.
After a cheap looking title sequence, I had little hope the ensuing movie and
Hatchetman shot way below my already miserable expectations. With a plot that slows down to a crawl before the end of the first hour and a cinematographer whose only talent seems to be tracking breast shots with ease, this is a flick which strictly relies on its unintentional silliness and gratuitous nudity. The stalking scenes are lifeless and unaffecting and the gore is only ever shown in the aftermath of a killing.
Hands. The killer takes women’s hands. The only thing that could be worse than a killer in a slasher flick having no motivation is the killer’s motivation in
Hatchetman. The hands are “dirty” because “mommy” did “dirty things” with her hands. That’s it. That’s the entire reason for the killer’s mania. I never thought a film could make
Pieces look well plotted. The cinematography is practically
lifeless and the music is painfully generic.
The makeup on the actresses is well done and bloody but never is a severing ever shown. There is some flying gooey looking blood and the killer really likes to smash car windows. Oh yeah, before I forget, there is one throat slashing with some digital blood flying out of the wound which is completely unconvincing.
The entire cast is under the direction to remain irritating at any cost. Cheryl Burns attended the Tiffany-Amber Thiessen School of Acting but dropped out before completing all of her credits. Her best line is “I didn’t want to get into your flippin’ law school anyway!” Beefcake Jon Briddell is playing a cop named Sonny that’s impossible to take seriously for a moment.
Overall, Hatchetman is a cheap and pathetic attempt to make a slasher flick. None of the actors or the crew are very interested in making a halfway decent horror movie. There is plenty of stripping sequences and general nudity (Mia Zottoli fans, rejoice!). Some halfhearted comic relief is provided by the spastic Chris Moir and a cross-dressing stalker who is mistakenly gunned down by the LAPD. If the slasher plot had been abandoned entirely and with the addition of a few pelvis-humping scenes, this film could have worked as some softcore fluff for cable. Even slasher completists
will be massively disappointed by this one. The final insult of the film
comes from its “ending” which hints at a sequel. Folks, don't bother with
this shit-festival..
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