Giallo Meltdown 5: Black Glove Outlet Mall
by Richard Glenn Schmidt After work on Friday evening, LeEtta and I ran to the store to get moviethon supplies. We had this idea of cooking a beef or pork roast, ripping it a new one like cannibal pagans, and then making some crazy good tacos. We got everything we needed but forgot tomatoes, lettuce, and avocados. Seriously? Yeah, duh. We had to make yet another trip to Publix for that stuff on Saturday morning. I did manage to locate Chalula, my favorite hot sauce. Bonus! I was trying to get some last minute things done before the movies started and my computer took a huge dump. It put me in a foul mood. I was trying to copy Dirty Pictures (not actual dirty pictures, the movie known more commonly as Oasis of Fear) onto a jump drive while simultaneously recording a nice little vlog about the Giallo Meltdown experience so of course, my computer crapped out. You could say that this was "my fault" but whatever. The only thing I hate more than physical objects is technology. I abandoned the vlog idea and ripped my jump drive out of the computer in a blind rage. So I go out into the living room and I'm grumbling in my chair about how pissed off I am and how I should just cancel the moviethon. I'm not kidding, I was actually debating this when my mother-in-law Margie told me I was being silly. And she was right. I thought of the fun and madness to be had and of all the good food to be consumed. Jeez, I'm such a weirdo. With my attitude finally adjusted, I put in the first movie. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you, the fifth installment of the Giallo Meltdown series.
10:39am - Dirty Pictures This movies starts with our "heroes", Ingrid and Richard (played by Ornella Muti and Ray Lovelock), running through the streets of London buying illegal pornography to sell in Rome. Shit, this opening song totally blows. It's some odious 60s garbage with meaningless lyrics sung by a guy with one of those plaintive, howling voices. Once these two hippie freaks make some cash they blow it all on fancy meals, nightclubbing, giving balloons to poor kids, and releasing doves in crowded restaurants. I already hate these two jerkwads. Now that the money is gone, they take photos of themselves getting it on to sell to people. They're classy types.
Of course they get busted immediately and are ordered by the pigs to leave Rome within 24 hours. Next, they are robbed by the wimpiest biker gang in Italy and then they run out of gas in the middle of nowhere. They manage to find a big house where a lady named Barbara (played by Irene Papas) is acting very strangely. You know, I was just thinking that this movie needs some philosophical claptrap and a belly-dancing striptease to some sitar music. I didn't have to wait long. How about some LSD-inspired camera tricks? Oh yes, we've got that too.
 Irene Pappas (of Don't Torture a Duckling) is gorgeous in this movie and her performance as a bored, high society lady with something to hide is excellent. She and Richard hook up and suddenly all that free love bullshit goes out the window. Poor Ingrid, who pushed the two together in the first place, is suddenly jealous when Richard bones Barbara. She even considers killing them with a pair of toenail scissors. No, I'm not making that up and yes, it's pretty intense, let me tells ya. Our good friend Kat has arrived. We fill her in on what's been going on so far in this flick. I hate it when people manipulate hippies. It's so easy and so fun. While buying some paint for their stupid gaudy car to turn it into a getaway vehicle, Richard confronts those bikers and gets half of his money back. Only half? What a pussy! While I'm here, I might as well mention how many titles this movie has gone by: Oasis of Fear, An Ideal Place to Kill, Deadly Trap, Love Stress, etc. I actually prefer Dirty Pictures for some reason.
 When these lamebrains finally figure out what their seemingly benevolent hostess has been up to this whole time, the kid gloves come off. Richard decides to torture Barbara by burning her boob with a lit cigarette. Of course, he chickens out and I bet Irene Pappas's body double is relieved too. Something tells me that Irene Papas probably has a great rack but she's like "Uh uh, I don't trust Ray Lovelock, he's a titty burner!" Ingrid and Richard have got nothing but trouble now and pretty soon it's all over. Hey look the inspector is played by Umberto Raho of The Bird with the Crystal Plumage and Amuck!. Nice! So the big twist happens and...
 Oops! The AVI of Dirty Pictures ends abruptly with just five minutes left. It seems that my computer gets the last laugh and I have to tell the girls what happens at the very end of the movie. "Oh um... Yeah, so those two stupid hippies make a run for it..." Maybe that should be how all moviethons are done from now on. The oral tradition is alive and well my friends. Don’t think about that sentence too long.
 12:09pm - The Bloodstained Butterfly This one opens with two awesome things. One is the badass classic music and the other is butterfly frame. The soundtrack settles into one of my favorite pieces of music ever composed for one of these films. It's by composer Gianni Ferrio (with a little help from Tchaikovsky) and it is nice to finally get to see the movie that this music belongs to. Then we get some cryptic message about the past and the future being one or some crap. Next, we are introduced to all of the characters throug from some titles on the screen. While some children are playing hide and seek, they hear a woman's scream and a body rolls down a hill. A mysterious figure crouches over the body and makes a break for it when he hears the cops coming. The "scientific police" are called in to figure out who the murderer is. We compare the cops' methods to those of NCIS and we are very amused. Their fake forensics are way lamer than Abby's fake forensics!
 "Raul, wet his forehead." The victim is a 17 year old girl named Franciose which is weird because I didn't think it was illegal to kill a French person in Italy. The inspector (played by Silvano Tranquilli) just wants a decent cup of coffee and everyone keeps bringing him cups that are too bitter or too sweet. We start seeing potential scenarios of what might have happened. Eventually, they think they have a suspect. Alessandro Marchi (Giancarlo Sbragia) is arrested and it goes to court. Evelyn Stewart is here with her severe face and I couldn't be happier. She is the wife of the main suspect and mother of the dead girl's foxy best friend, Sarah (Wendy D'Olive). Giorgio (played by Helmut Berger), a concert pianist, and his father have an obtuse conversation. Oh yeah, Giorgio is this very suspicious young man who is kind of sort of dating Sarah Marchi. The defense attorney (Gunther Stoll) rips into the circumstantial evidence like a sharp thing that cuts into things that are easy to cut into. But then the evidence stacks up again and we're back to Alessandro looking really guilty again. I swear this is actually more interesting than it sounds. We get some pretty crazy revelations. For instance, the defense attorney is totally banging Mrs. Marchi. Hm, there's a little conflict of interest there. We also see that Giorgio is a total psycho in the bedroom. He was Franciose's secret lover and he isn't taking her death very well. I see someone reach for some Astor cigarettes, the only brand for a giallo. Another murder is committed with the same modus operendi as the previous crimes so the cops know there's another motherfucker out there killing some fucking bitches. Yo.
 My wife knows all about the prostitute bonfires which amuses our friend Kat very much. But there's something we never thought of before. All those hookers keeping warm in front of a fire. I can think of at least two or three gialli that have prostitutes warming their hands by a bonfire or a barrel. If you happen to be making a giallo drinking game, add those prostitute bonfires to your list of rules and down a shot of J&B. Even though The Bloodstained Butterfly is very heavy on the police and court procedure stuff, it's still pretty good.
 And now the defense attorney is trying to rape Sarah. Jeez, what the hell? Mrs. Marchi catches him in the act and her only complaint is that he doesn't want her anymore. We all think this defense attorney is the killer though I wouldn't put it past old Giorgio. He's wrestling with some serious ass demons. Since the killer has struck again, threatens to keep on killing, and some more evidence has come to light, Alessandro is set free. There is a nice awkward dinner scene where Mr. and Mrs. Marchi are reunited but the defense attorney and nearly-raped Sarah are there two. Very tense but also a little hilarious. This is high drama, people. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the heat. I can't say a word about the finale without totally spoiling it so we'll just move right along.
 1:53pm - French Sex Murders I warn everyone how awful this movie is going to be but I don't think they believe me. The detective is played by Robert Sacchi, a friggin' Humphrey Bogart impersonator. Some douchebag lookin' guy named Antoine (Pietro Martellanza) steals some junk jewelry and goes to a brothel. Renato Romano, the guy who played the priest in Seven Blood Stained Orchids is here as a writer studying prostitutes. Yeah... studying. Yay, Barbara Bouchet is here as a hooker named Francine. I love it. Antoine is in love with Francine. Anita Ekberg plays the madam of these dang hookers and she has huge hair! Jeez.
 Francine gets murdered and Antoine looks hella suspicious. Rosalba Neri too? What a magnificent cast. She plays Marianne, Antoine's backup wife or something. The cops find him and the least impressive chase scene in cinematic history takes place. The guy playing Antoine is a freakin' four alarm fire of comedy. Now Howard Vernon shows up as a weirdo doctor named Professor Waldemar. He has a hot daughter named Eleonora (Evelyne Kraft) and she's got a little thing going with his assistant.
 Antoine gets convicted of murder and vows to come back from the grave to make everyone who condemned him suffer. Marianne is the only one who has doubts that Antoine is guilty. Everyone is so happy to see him go away. Of course, Antoine breaks free from jail and his escape is funny as hell. Thanks to some really awful moments of dis-continuity and a fake severed head, we are all very amused.
At a nightclub, Marianne is singing her monotonous French song (which I love). This nightclub is owned by her lover Pepi (played by Rolf Eden) who beats up a guy getting too fresh with a young lady. The fight scene is pathetic thanks to the guy holding completely still while Pepi beats on him. Howard Vernon and his assistant, Roget (played by heck, I don't know), get Antoine's head and Roget swears he sees its eyes moving.
 Back at the brothel (MASSAGE PARLOR!), Anita Ekberg's hair is actually getting bigger as the movie goes along. Someone is sneaking up on her and OH SHIT, ANOTHER LAMP MURDER! Some multi-colored filters can't make up for the fact that a person getting murdered with a lamp is boring but I appreciate the effort. Ew, eye dissection. Actually it was less like dissection and more like just random slicing. Nice work, doctor dicknuts. I don't know why but Pepi has a lover and Marianne is upset about it. She thinks it's Tina, the cute hooker but nope, Pepi is banging some other random chick. Next thing we know some people are gettin' it on and the guy continually sucks on the chick's arm the whole time. Women love that. The judge gets his throat slit and Eleonora has a nightmare about it. And then the movie bogs down while we get some more boring police procedure stuff.
 There's more drama between Roget and Leonora. She is really serious about her father not approving of their relationship. Holy crap, there are so many mistakes in this movie, I can't even keep track of them all. This movie is kind of painful. You try to keep track of what's going on but it's hard to keep track of all these crappy plot threads. There's a scene with three freakin' murders in it to boost our spirits a bit. Kat was right, I do really enjoy French Sex Murders. It's still terrible but at least it's endearing to me now. If you can handle the Humphrey Blowgart impersonator, you can handle anything.
The beef roast is done so LeEtta tears it apart and we have awesome tacos. It is just so fabulously delicious. We eat while watching some HGTV. The longer you live in an apartment, the more appealing the shows on this friggin' channel become. You look at these freaks complaining but how small their 2000 square foot houses are and you just want to jump into the TV and throttle them. Those bastards don't how good they have it. Oh boy, as usual, I eat too much. Yikes. Looks like I'll be up late tonight!
 4:25pm - Don't Torture a Duckling Dear, sweet Lucio Fulci. I haven't seen this movie in quite a while. This is a classic and it might just be Fulci's best film. The church is an ominous presence here but not nearly as ominous as these horrible little children. Before I go on about how all children of the spawn of Satan, let me say that we've already seen a woman digging up the corpse of a fetus (with some very jarring orchestra stabs from the soundtrack) and some locals yokels (there's a lot in this movie) getting some old fat whores to accompany them into a small shack. A local simpleton by the name of Giuseppe (played by Vito Passeri) is trying to sneak a peek on the action when some kids start making fun of him and calling him a big baby. He threatens to kill the kids and at this point, I'm more than ready to help. Next we meet the beautiful Patrizia (played by Barbara Bouchet) and she's as naked as the day she was born. You see, Patrizia is a bored and spoiled rich jackass who is hiding in the sticks because she got into some trouble in the city. And right now she is trying to seduce a young boy because... because... fuck, I have no idea- she is just bored, I guess. There are so many moments of malignant beauty and moments that are just plain wrong in this film. I love it.
 Before you can say "bad touch", one of the jerky kids gets hit with something that looks like a poker from a fireplace. The parents of this shitty kid get a call from a kidnapper who wants some cash or else the little mongrel gets it. The cops step in, Giuseppe the idiot is arrested, and we find out that the kid is actually dead. He was beaten and strangled to death. Giuseppe claims that when he found the body, he buried it and then asked for the ransom. The small town erupts and its citizens nearly tear the village idiot to pieces. Giuseppe's stupid story is actually proven to be true when another young boy is murdered.
 The only connection these kids have to one another is that they all play soccer after church with Don Alberto (Marc Porel), a priest with beautiful bone structure. Bad ass reporter and just all around bad ass, Andrea (Tomas Milian), shows up in town to get the scoop on the murders for his paper. A third kid gets whacked and since Patrizia is such a sketchy scumbag, the cops pull her in for questioning. It turns out that she is using her little vacation to get clean of drugs but is she a killer? More suspects start coming out of the woodwork but two are particularly interesting. There's this old "magician" named Francesco (Georges Wilson) and his mentally deficient female companion (sort of) named Maciara (Florinda Bolkan).
 Give it up for Florinda Bolkan, y'all. One of the finest actresses to ever grace the giallo genre goes all out with her portrayal of Maciara, a very misunderstood (and loony) woman. After claiming to have killed the boys with a black magic curse, the cops let her go and she is murdered by men from the village (who still think she is the killer). Some directors would cut away but not Fulci. In gruesome detail, we see Maciara whipped to death with chains to the melodramatic strains of Ornella Vanoni. Unforgettable, horrific, and brilliant.
 This films should have been called Fulci Vs. Ignorance. The police chief of the town can do nothing but shake his head in bemused frustration at how utterly fucking stupid these townspeople are. The murders continue and everyone seems pretty friggin' guilty by my estimation. Nope, I won't say anymore. Just watch this as soon as you can if you haven't already. All the actors are great. Tomas Milian gives an understated performance. Weird, right? I'm used to him playing things just a little more over the top. Don't Torture a Duckling is as dark and cynical as they come.
I head outside to smoke my Mederos cigar. It is quite nice outside though I'm glad I have a sweater on. I have the iPod loaded up with the giallo soundtracks again as usual. It's weird, this cigar started off pretty generic and mediocre. But then after I smoked about three quarters of an inch, the flavor kicks. Oh yeah, this is the life. I'm drinking my Honest Tea half sweet tea, half lemonade. So good. I come back inside to find out that Kat is taking her leave of us. She wishes us luck and I fire up another film.
 7:31pm - The Two Faces of Fear All I need to know is that George Hilton is in this one. The guy is essentially the King of Giallo. And the first time we see him, he's loading a gun and pointing it at his wife. People are arguing over Dr. Michele (Luis Davila) taking a job somewhere. Paola is played by Anita frickin' Strindberg, one of my favorites. Helena (Luciano Paluzzi) has a heart operation. She's the one married to George Hilton. Let me guess, this is going to end badly.
 Oh snap, Eduardo Fajardo is in this one. They all seem to be afraid of what Helena is going to say to Michele to make him change his mind about taking that job. That night, while his parrot (who is dubbed to sound like an old lady) is murmuring in the dark, someone shoots Michele to death. Paola thinks that George Hilton shot her husband. And while she's totally upset about her husband dying, she goes right into heart surgery. I guess some things are just more important. The audio quality on this bootleg is not so hot. It gets real hissy and there's this high pitched sound that is pretty annoying. The picture quality is awesome and the dialog is perfectly clear so I can't complain (I just did). Raise your J&B glasses high, my friends, we've got ourselves an idiot cop trying to interrogate Michele's parrot. Not surprisingly, Paola and George Hilton are lovers.
 This inspector (played by Fernando Rey) is a little sensitive about smoking. He quit recently and he chews out the doctors for smoking in front of him. His idiot detective is still interrogating the parrot and he even massaged its prostate. I'm not making that part up. You know, if it wasn't for all the cool people in this movie, I have to wonder if I'd be into it. For God's sake, this is hospital administration intrigue and it really isn't all that interesting. But some stylish camerawork and shiznit is going on so I immediately stop bitching about it.
 I just remembered that Luciana Paluzzi is the chick from A Black Veil for Lisa. This is a much better film, thank God. Some guy follows her home and she gets so scared that she has a heart attack. Now only Roberto can operate on her. Yeah, she's scared. The surgery scene is getting pretty intense. Will she survive? Yeah, like that would ever happen. Robin Cook must have seen this movie and gotten inspired.
 There's some debate amongst us as to whether or not this real heart surgery. I think it's real, darn it. The inspector gets a vital clue while Helena is on the operating table. This shit just got real. There's too many shots of people's stupid eyeballs bugging out over their surgical masks. There are some awkward cuts here but I don't know if it's the version I have or if they're actually part of the movie. Even though Two Faces of Fear gets a little slow, it's definitely worth watching. The way the cop tricks the killer into revealing their identity is just too cool.
 9:01pm - Blood Link Okay, we jump into 1982 with some Michael Moriarty action. I got this one on tape a while back and converted it to DVD-R. I wish someone would put the widescreen of Blood Link out sometime soon. Come on DVD studios, this movie has the same cinematographer as Dario Argento's Inferno. Hop to it. It has to be out there. The tape started to go bad near the end of the movie and I had to do some magic to keep it playing without disturbing the continuity of the playback. Yes, I'm that good. (Psst, if you want to see my editing magic, email me and I'll send you a copy.) The opening scene: two people dancing in a ballroom. The man guides the woman out into the next room and kills her quietly without anyone even noticing. Michael Moriarty (one of the most unsettling actors ever) plays Dr. Craig Mannings and he keeps having visions through someone else's eyes. That someone is a murderer who looks just like him. His assistant/girlfriend Julie (Penelope Milford) is so amazing. Her acting style is so different from pretty much everyone else in this movie. She's very 1950s but really good and she looks a little like Lina Romay. What a rack!
 Dr. Craig is using himself as a guinea pig for some bizarre therapy which is drawing out these strange visions and ugly memories. He goes to Cleveland to visit his foster mother in an institution and she reveals that Craig's (formerly Siamese) twin brother Keith is out in the world somewhere. He becomes obsessed with finding him and gets a clue from one of his visions that Keith is in Germany. This music score by Ennio Morricone is so damn good.
 It turns out that Keith actually is in Germany and just happens to be a serial killer, preying upon unsuspecting women. Jeez, I totally forgot Cameron Mitchell is in this one! And he's just as blustery and corny as usual. He's harassing Keith because he thinks he's Craig and uh oh, now he's dead. There's this chick playing Cameron's daughter and she is a really terrible actress. She delivers her lines like she's trying to pass a gall stone. But what a rack! Wait, I think I know how they chose actresses for this movie. So maybe there are a couple of bad performances here but the movie is actually pretty awesome.
 "Two of you is too much for one woman!" He confronts his psycho brother and it's just really bizarre. Dr. Craig threatens to turn Keith in for his crimes and that's when the shit hits the fan. Keith blackmails him for a murder but not to worry, Julie has arrived in Germany to save his ass. They are going to try and follow Keith through Craig's connection with him. I have to hand it to Alberto De Martino, the guy knows how to deliver a decent giallo. And he did it in the 80s! There's a thick layer of sleaze on this one. If any film could be called a psychosexual thriller, it is Blood Link. And I love the dark, enigmatic ending too.
 10:46pm - A Dragonfly for Each Corpse Okay, Paul Naschy, thrill me. A goofy looking hippie duder buys some dope off of a guy and then gets hacked to death with a sword by a mystery killer in a black jacket, black gloves, and red pants (that's a new one). The killer's trademark? Dragonflies left next to the body. Detective Paul Naschy is a hothead. When we first see him he's about to beat the shit out of some random old man for some reason. And then there's another murder. This time the killer stabs a hooker with an umbrella with a knife on the end.
Erica Blanc plays Naschy's wife? This is truly awesome. There is a scene where she is washing his back while he smokes a friggin' cigar! Brilliant. Now more people are getting whacked by the killer. They are all pimps, drug dealers, the scum of society, and Naschy has no problem with who the killer is targeting. Next, we see a fancy party with some fashion designers in which Naschy's wife is one. At this particular party, there is a flaming gay stereotype and another duder whose chest hair is so thick you can see it through his shirt. Meanwhile, an exotic dancer who hooks on the side gets offed.
 I'm not sure which is more ridiculous. Paul Naschy's constant cigar chomping or his totally fake mustache. Blech, these sets are atrocious and they are helping to make this movie look so fucking ugly. Naschy vs. a Nazi hippie gang? Wow, that was awesome. A man will only go so far in search of Muhammad Kaburi, you know what I mean? Uh oh, Naschy's partner is looking really angry about something. Damn it. This movie is staged very badly and the pace is awkward to say the least. Maybe director Klimovsky didn't know quite what to do with this film. Wait a second. Hold the phone! Naschy gets a severed head in the mail and Erica Blanc's reaction is priceless. Okay, this Spanish giallo rocks. This is way better than 7 Murders for Scotland Yard, another Paul Naschy giallo.
 There are so many priceless comedic characters to keep track of. So this dumbass professor (played by Eduardo Calvo of Blue Eyes of the Broken Doll) decides to attempt to blackmail the killer. We all know where this is going. No, we don't. The killer dresses up like a gorilla and strangles the dumb son of a bitch. What is so frustrating here is this shitty bland cinematography. There has been one cool shot in this entire movie so far. But still, I'm digging this bloody and hilarious flick. Did I say that already?
 Everyone Naschy works with on this case ends up dead. Ha! The soundtrack has pieces of music lifted from Blood and Black Lace. If you feel like checking out A Dragonfly for Each Corpse, do it. Make sure you take your lactose tolerance medicine before you watch this cheesy ass flick. It features a scene where a transvestite has a shootout with the cops while riding a roller coaster. Priceless.
It's around 12:30 in the morning and our upstairs neighbor is drunk (presumably) and singing at the top of his lungs. It's either Neil Diamond or Jesus Christ Superstar or whatever. The point is, this guy is really belting it out. He sounds like a dying opera moose channeling the vocal prowess of Scott Stapp. But in a bad way. It's funny and I'd probably try to record these sounds for your enjoyment but damn it, my head feels like a tube of toothpaste. Squeeze me. Good friggin' night.
I woke up at 9 this morning. Not bad considering my alarm was set for 9:15. I get dressed and walk the dog. I think my dreams were primarily apocalyptic. Trust me, I'd rather face the killer wielding any sort of weapon than face my actual fears. When I get home, Margie is crocheting and LeEtta is making pancakes for the first time. Not the first time since I've known her, the first time. I run to 7-11 for some drinks. I get a Vitamin Water, the DWNLD flavor, and an Arizona Southern Style Sweet Tea. The Mountain Dew is very tempting but I must resist. When I get back the pancakes are ready and boy oh boy, are they delicious.
 10:35am - The House with the Yellow Carpet My homey-bro Brad sent me a copy of this film. Thanks Brad! It's another one from 1982. No wait, 1983. Never mind me, I don't know about movies! I hear strange sounds. We see an apartment complex that is so creepy it reminds Margie of the one in Hideo Nakata's Dark Water. A woman named Franca (played by Beatrice Romand) lies dreaming of her lover named Ernesto. She cries out his name. The problem is her husband is named Antonio (Vittorio Mezzogiorno) and he's lying awake next to her like WTF?
 "Yellow carpets carry an ancient curse." The couple is trying to sell this big ugly roll of yellow carpet. While the husband is away dealing with his towed car, this creepy old guy (played by Erland Josephson) shows up to buy the carpet, and starts harassing Franca. Okay, this is like the worst Craigslist meetup ever. The tension in this flick is almost unbearable. The creepy guy reenacts the murder of his wife for Franca's amusement or something. Mr. Creepy knows something about Franca's past. He gets her into such a frantic state that she breaks down and reveals her hidden psychology. It seems that Franca was in love with her stepdad named Ernesto. This movie has layers and layers of fucked up going on.
 When her captor is distracted for a moment, Franca grabs the guy's knife and stabs him to death. She cleans herself up just in time to hear that someone is at the door. It is a woman (played by Milena Vukotic of Blood for Dracula) claiming to be the creepy guy's wife. She says that he is an actor and likes to practice his craft in unsuspecting people's homes. Franca throws this crazy ho out and then- Well, I'm not going to spoil it for you. Let me just say that this is only the beginning, duders. The film just gets weirder and weirder but is actually a decent early 80s effort with lots of atmosphere and psychosexual craziness. My only question is this: why don't more junkies shoot drugs into their eye sockets? You know they'd get crazy high if they did that.
 12:10pm - Death Steps in the Dark Oh nice, this film has a lava lamp credit sequence and perfect opening music. The composer is the one and only Riz Ortolani so I'm not too shocked by its perfectness. We meet a bunch of knuckleheads on a train in Istanbul and it isn't long before a black-gloved killer knocks out the lights, waits for the first train tunnel, and then offs some chick with a letter opener. When the lights come back on, things don't look too good for Luciano (played by Leonard Mann), an Italian photographer, because it was his friggin' letter opener. What a dumbass! Who uses letter openers? I tear open my letters with my teeth and my feet like a real man. The detective on this case (played by Robert Webber) has stomach problems and makes weird sounds when he guzzles down his Alka Seltzer. I can relate.
 There is some Kenny Loggins-lookin' guy in this movie. He thinks he knows who the killer is plus he has one of the killer's gloves. WHOA! We get some insane close-ups of some lesbian lovemaking. Yikes. These characters are amazing and the script is a treasure trove of inanities. But the film is competently made, that's for sure. The Kenny Loggins-lookin' guy decides to attempt to blackmail the killer. This is probably not what you would call a good idea.
 Fearing that there is too much evidence stacked up against him, Luciano goes on the run. And he does it dressed like a lady. Hilarity ensues. Thanks to his pal Omar (played by Antonio Maimone), he is able to hide out in a tiny fishing shack next to some train tracks. More hilarity ensues. Luciano's model girlfriend Ingrid (Vera Krouska) shows up with some sardines for the poor guy. They take a shower together and the scene is, dare I say it, sexy. Weird. J&B is more than prominently featured in this flick.
Luciano: "What does that say?" So Ulla, the black chick (played by Marie Liz Eugene), decides it's her turn to blackmail the killer. What the fuck? Did she not learn a damn thing from what happened to her boyfriend, the Kenny Loggins-lookin' guy? Now her lesbian lover is in danger. Oh damn, the murders are getting bloodier and nastier. By the way, Ulla's song that she sings at the nightclub is totally awesome. It's this schmaltzy disco garbage bomb that makes my teeth fall out.
 "Not in front of the cops, Little Boffo!" So that guy was pretending to be a priest. What? Why? Omar, please explain what the hell is going on. This movie is very goofy and genuinely funny in parts. Damn, I am really lost now. Luciano and his gang are trying to break into someone's house for some reason. Oh yeah, they are after a golden bust of Ulla. Why? Oh snap! Okay, that ending was tight. Very nice. You all need to check this one out. It's a great late 70s giallo with a great ending. And it's totally ridiculous.
Margie and I go to 7-11 for some hotdogs. The world looks vibrant but it doesn't feel real. It's definitely too bright out. I feel like I'm high on something. Duh, it's the giallo vibe! Back at the apartment, LeEtta is digging into her leftover Mexican food (from our date on Thursday night). Once I have consumed my tube of mystery meat, it's time to start another film. What to watch? What to watch? Aha, here's one!
 2:19pm - Psychout for Murder The opening of this movie is an attention grabber, that's for sure. It feels like S.F. Brownrigg dropped some acid and said "Okay, let's make a movie in Italy!" There's a chick named Licia (played by Adrienne Larusa) in bed with crazy people harassing her. Now they're threatening her with a syringe and having a threesome in front of her. This is just a tad strange. Next Licia is in therapy and her overacting is delightful. Hey, these people aren't dubbed. This has to be a joke. Italians always dub! This is already one of the most unique gialli I've ever seen.
 Her boyfriend Mario (Nino Castelnuovo, the douchebag main guy from Strip Nude for Your Killer) tricks her into going to a whorehouse so he can call the paparazzi and blackmail her famous family. The sets are so cheap and ridiculous and hey- this chick looks like Anne Hathaway a little bit. In order to cover up the scandal, her family sends her away to an asylum. The crazy editing, the silly acting, and the strident music make me fall in love with this one. This feels like two different movies slapped together.
 Psychout for Murder just keeps surprising me. Now all of a sudden it has a really cool atmosphere. It's like Persona or something but not really. Licia's sister Giovanna (played by Paola Pitagora) brings her some flowers and Licia takes them outside to stomp on them. I could watch that scene all day. Oh cool, Alberto de Mendoza (of The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh) is in this. He plays Francesco, Giovanna's husband. Licia is out of the loony bin and she is behaving very strangely. She doesn't seem bitter at all about being put away. That was sarcasm, by the way.
 Oh wait, now everyone is dubbed. Now even her sister is acting a little batty. Licia is totally nuts and I am in love this movie! Dudes, I am ready to watch Psychout for Murder again already. Aw, poor thing, she's having trouble making the transition back into normal society. I think her family is ready to put her back into the nuthouse now. She shows up in Mario's apartment with her father's gun and instead of killing him, she enlists him to wage a war on her father who I forgot to mention is played by Rossano Brazzi of Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks. He is also the director of this picture.
 My God, anything can happen! Hey, what is she doing with that shower nozzle? Ohhhh! What the hell are those weird lights all about? Why is she setting up an elaborate trap? Adding to all this awesomeness is how washed out my copy of this film is. Licia's father's mistress throws a press conference with a bunch of kids turning it into a hippie happening with some wild rock and roll and crazy frivolity. Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your TV, this is the 1960s and this shit happens all the time. Then Margie wakes me up. I had no idea that I was sleeping. I only missed about 5 or 10 minutes. This movie is so perfect that you can sleep through it and it's still good.
 4:14pm - Enigma Rosso And now we have yet another late 70s giallo with a totally funky music score by Riz Ortolani. That's twice today, Riz. My man, you are where it's at! Enigma Rosso opens with a corpse in a plastic sheet being thrown into the water. Fabio Testi (the greatest name ever bestowed upon a human being) is here mackin' on some klepto chick. Testi is a detective in this one and he's called in to work on the case. I keep hearing, "She's dead, wrapped in plastic." reverberating around in my head. Oh great, the first victim died from genital mutilation. This is the director* of that giallo trash classic, What Have You Done to Solange? That guy loves this stuff. Fuckin' weirdo! From now on we're going to call that type of death scene "Genital Mutilation Overdose" or "Genitilly Lace".
 The car that was used to dump the body got dropped off at a chop shop. I guess that bit of evidence is long gone now. The victim went to a prestigious girls' school and Testi goes in to investigate. This movie is essentially a remake of Solange and it is sparking discussions in our living room about nudity in movies and trashy entertainment. Oh and we are also munching on cheese, crackers, pickles, and olives so huge parts of the plot are flying by unnoticed. A black glove wearing killer is targeting girls at the school that belong to a certain clique. Fabio's partner is named Starsky? What, seriously?
 Somebody tries to burn down Testi's trailer with him inside it and a motorcycle driving red herring dies and gets blamed for the murders. That's it. Case solved. Movie is over. Uh uh, this shit ain't over. Now one of the girls is off to get an abortion and the trauma unearths some memories of an orgy that she and her buds attended. Whoa! What the fuck? That dildo is way too big! Jeez! This movie is so trashy. Next, one of the girls is killed with a dresser drawer. That might be one of the weirdest deaths in a giallo right there.
 There is some discussion of how the word "Nemesis" is spelled and what it means. It's just silly. Fabio Testi interrogates a witness (played by Jack Taylor of Dr. Jekyll vs. the Wolfman) by scaring him on a roller coaster. This is the second time that a roller coaster has been part of the plot in this moviethon. Somehow all of these clues lead back to a forged art case from 3 years ago. I was about to say how obvious this plot is but then the movie just jumps the shark like a mofo. This is completely insane. What the hell just happened? I am left totally speechless and yet, I am still talking.
I head outside with my Arizona tea and a Carrillo cigar. Hot damn, this cigar is totally fantastic. From the moment I light it up, it is instantly tasty and wonderful. While I smoke and listen to giallo music, I'm texting like mad with Brad. He's many miles away (Kentucky to be exact) and having a moviethon of his own. I smoke and smoke and smoke and this cigar just never seems to get any smaller. People on loud motorcycles are going by and I laugh at their miserable fates. They probably don't even know what a giallo is. Fools! Only I am truly living my life to its fullest. Hee hee hee hee! What a bunch of losers.
 (My copy of this film is so lousy, I am not going to bother with screenshots.) 7:05pm - The Trumpets of the Apocalypse I am taking this little flick back into the office to watch on my computer because my copy is almost unwatchable. The smaller I can resize the window, the easier it will be to watch. Well, that's the plan anyway. Oddly enough, I found this bootleg at my library. The movie starts with some insane organ music and then a duder jumps out a window. Next we see some dang hippies at a nightclub. You know, this movie is pretty good. There has to be a better copy out there somewhere. And now another person has jumped to their death, a girl this time. Now the trippy ass credit sequence just kicked it. Wild, man, wild! The chick who jumped to her death was Katherine. Her friend Ellen (played by the angelic Marilu Tolo) doesn't believe that it was a suicide. Catherine's bro Richard (Brett Halsey) shows up from the Navy and is understandably upset. He and Ellen go sightseeing in merry olde England. Why did Italians have such a hard-on for frickin' England? It turns out that Catherine was dating some total dickhead druggy hippie douche but had just broken up with him right before her death. Richard decides to do some more digging into his dead sister's life and he finds... MORE HIPPIES! Richard gets into a scrap with some biker-hippies and beats their asses with Boris, Catherine's ex-boyfriend. Ellen gets into some investigitatin' too and looks into the suicide of her professor, the one who croaked the day before Catherine died and in the exact same way. Have I mentioned the sinister organ grinder yet? He gives this movie a sinister and surreal vibe and all gialli should have one. Naw, too expensive. There are more hippies though. Dirty filthy stinking dope-smoking hippies!
Richard gets harassed yet again but this time it's by Boris and the two boys get to scrappin'. During this whole sequence, there is some swingin' far out jazz that is screaming through my headphones. Awesome. When he beats Boris's ass, Richard whips out a pistol and just starts shooting. This is so bad ass that I think I might die. He gets away from the ruffians thanks to Boris's new lady friend. She tries to seduce him and he's not going for it. This whole movie feels like a Laugh In after party. Next, the black gloved killer knocks out Ellen and steals some files. We finally find out about the "Trumpets of the Apocalypse", a piece of music so insidiously evil that if you listen to it, you'll kill yourself. I think that Brian Wilson wrote something similar but he called it "Smile". Oh and there is some weird Mesopotamian drug involved. I don't want to say anymore because I might ruin the movie for you. The whole thing wraps up very nicely and it's all just strange and fun. Remember kids, music plus drugs equals death.
 8:53pm - The Killer has Reserved Nine Seats A bunch of bitchy theatre people go out to the one duder's theater. His name is Patrick (played by Chris Avram) and he's got a bunch of frenemies. His family owns it but it's been closed for years. Oh wow, this theater is really beautiful. It inspires the actors among them to start spouting a bunch of Shakespeare. In fact, these are some really annoying and unlikable characters. And this dialog is terrible. So yeah, I like this movie already. Whoa, Patrick's daughter Lynn (played by Paola Senatore) just started kissing him in a very un-daughterly way.
 Everyone goes out exploring and some freaky shit happens. And I'm not just talking about all the crazy bedfellows either. There's people dropping heavy objects from the rafters and there are mannequins turning into real people. Now everyone is sitting around talking about how they are glad that Patrick wasn't killed just now. What a bunch of lying two-faced peckerheads. The copy of this movie I have keeps jumping back and forth between the Italian and the English dub.
 Oh goodie, now they're performing Romeo and Juliet. When Kim (played by Janet Agren) dies as Juliet, she dies for real with a friggin' knife jabbed in her back. That's kind of hilarious. The keys to the front door have disappeared and the phones are dead. We're in for the long haul here, my friends. Gotta hand it to the director of this one, it's got some eerie moments. There's a mysterious voice reciting even more Shakespeare but the voice can't be recorded.
 Whoa, what is up with that freakin' mask the killer is wearing? It is beyond creepy. It is just wrong! And who is that woman playing Vivian, Patrick's ex-wife? It's someone named Rosanna Schiaffino. Oh wait, she was the chick in The Witch (1966)! Awesome! Trust me, I did not pull that out of my brain. Bless you, sweet Internet. Well, aynway, one of the lesbian chicks is being stalked below the stage and it reminds me of something I would have seen on TV in the middle of the night as a youngster. Even the way she dies, it's so bizarre that it would have stuck in my memory. Ah, I love being nostalgic for something I'm seeing for the first time. Have I mentioned that Howard Ross of New York Ripper and Lucretia Love of The Eerie Midnight Horror Show are in this too? No? Well, forget it then. I won't say anything. I think someone in this movie is named Rutabaga. No wait, it's Rebecca. The killer in 9 Seats is working too hard. First the killer tries to slaughter these boneheads and now the killer is trying to drive them mad. I feel so lazy right now. And because the killer (or the director of this film) hates lesbians (I guess), now he's gotta complete the set. The other lesbian (played by Eva Czemerys), the one who I thought was named Rutabaga, dies horribly. The killer stabs her in the groin (presumably (luckily, they don't show too much)) and then nails her hand to a plank of wood. Nice going, you dang jerk! Jesus was not a lesbian!
 Even though they know their lives are in danger, these jokers are still talking shit instead of working together to get the fuck out of this mess. LeEtta says that she can't find the entertainment value of this one. I still like it because it reminds me so much of nothing I've ever seen and/or something very familiar to me. Lynn just dropped acid or popped a couple of downers or something because she's disco dancing in see through negligee. Oh wow, okay, she's naked. Her dad walks in and things get really awkward! Damn, this film really does go on a tangent at the end, what the hell?
I take my shower early to wake myself up. My eyes feel like hard-boiled eggs and my butt is getting sore from sitting on it all dang day. Wait, don't I do that all dang day anyway? What makes this any different? I must say that if I decided to stop the moviethon right now, I would be happy. Despite all of its flaws, The Killer has Reserved Nine Seats had moments that so perfectly represent what I look for in a giallo that I almost don't want to bother with anything else tonight. The mood is perfect. Why take a chance at fucking it up? After the shower, I start the next flick. Armed with some peanut butter on toast and a glass of iced tea, I am ready. Margie has gone to bed and LeEtta is in the shower, presumably to go to bed afterward.
 11:01pm - Paranoia In Umberto Lenzi's Paranoia, Caroll Baker, an actress I still haven't warmed up to, is a lady racecar driver named Helen. She gets into a wreck while she's thinking about Jean Sorel. Can't say I blame her, he makes me crash too. Helen is rushed into surgery and after she recovers, her doctor warns her to stay away from stress, especially racecar driving. She gets an invitation from Maurice (Jean Sorel), her ex-husband to visit him by the sea. This letter prompts her to steal her manager's car and drive off to the seaside. What a jerk! She asks for directions to his villa from some strange girls and they are like "That unbelievably sexy guy? Oh, he lives right up that way." I'm paraphrasing but I'm sure that's how people find where I live all the time.
 When she finds Maurice's villa, she meets his new wife Constance (played by Anna Proclemer) and oh boy, she is kind of old. The sight of Maurice brings back the memory of when Helen tried to shoot him. This is complicated. Everyone says really snotty things to each other and everyone laughs about it. Between the gaudy fashions and the wildly colorful sets and lighting, oh yes, this movie is a feast for the eyes. We can also thank cinematographer Joe D'Amato as well. Whatta guy! There's a gratuitous Carroll Baker shower scene and I'm sorry, I just don't find this woman at all attractive. She's a little dumpy. At dinner, Maurice is hitting on Helen and so is his wife Constance. We find out that Constance has a daughter from a previous marriage. Her name is Susan and Constance is trying in vain to control her. After paying off all of Helen's debts, Constance suggests that they team up in the fight to control Maurice because he's such a powerful drug. Damn you, Maurice, you are such a bastard. Constance suggests that they kill Maurice so that they can both be free of him forever.
 Oh wait, LeEtta is back! She is ready and rarin' to go with Paranoia! She also is not a Carroll Baker fan. While Constance is away and she is supposed to be thinking about whether or not she is going to help murder her ex-husband, Helen totally jumps in the sack with the guy. Of course, they go nightclubbing first and there's some swingin' good times. After their little weekend tryst is done, Helen decides that she hates Maurice because he won't leave his wife for her. And with that, LeEtta decides that she is done for the night and I don't blame her. I am feeling pretty beat as well.
 On a scuba outing, Helen and Constance try to kill Maurice but they totally fuck it up and Constance is stabbed to death. They ditch her body at sea, make the whole thing look like an accident, and now Helen and Maurice are together. Constance's daughter Susan (played by Marina Coffa) shows up and Helen starts to freak out. This is going to be very awkward. But I'm sure that bottle of J&B will smooth things over. Nope, Susan is just too curious and a little too bitchy.
 It turns out that their idiot friend was filming their little boat ride and may have caught their crime with his camera. The twists just keep on comin'. Why are relationships so darn complicated? Why did Umberto Lenzi make so many movies with Carroll frickin' Baker? Meh, who cares? There is a scene where Jean Sorel is wearing a black and red plaid jacket and a blue and pink polka dotted ascot. Our TV almost melts when that little outfit appears onscreen.
During Paranoia's entire running time, I was debating if it was the last movie or not. I was watching the 14th movie, out of the 18 or 19 I had picked for this moviethon, and I was wiped out. It felt like quitting but I was also very satisfied. Sunday had been one of the most satisfying days in the history of moviethons. Even with the huge dildo waving around in our faces during Enigma Rosso, it had been a fine, fine day. So around 1 in the morning, I decided to call it quits. Had I gone on the next film would have been Slaughter Hotel which, depending on your opinion, could have been the perfect final film or the worst fucking idea in the world. Expect to see that on the lineup for next time. I slept very deeply and dreamed, not of the black gloved killer, but of zombies and then later, of rummaging through VHS tapes at a crappy old thrift store. I got up around 9am and it was pouring outside. Shadow was scared of the lightning and the thunder and very unhappy about the cold rain but I walked him anyway. I felt like the world was in anamorphic widescreen and that somewhere out there, some maniac was watching my every move from the comfort of a Mercedes Benz, black gloves squeaking while he or she gripped the steering wheel. The straight razor shining, even in the darkness of a trench coat pocket. The weather was miserable but I loved it. I like how I started the moviethon and ended the moviethon with Umberto Lenzi. The guy could make a movie, damn it. Even though Paranoia was just a little disappointing, I still enjoyed the time I spent watching it. As always with these Giallo Meltdowns, I end up planning the next one in my head. Giallo Meltdown 6 will be friggin' awesome. Man, I just love these films so much. The act of watching a film (even a terrible one) from this bizarre subgenre makes me feel good inside. It makes me feel like I'm alive. Keep your bungee cord and your ATVs, I've got hooker bonfires and a black glove with a million fingers. *Correction: Enigma Rosso was not directed by Massimo Dallamano, the director of What Have You Done to Solange?. It was directed by Alberto Negrin who stepped in after Dallamano was killed in a car accident. The film still feels very much like a quasi-remake of Solange probably because Dallamano contributed to the screenplay. Thanks for the info, Davo.
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