Giallo Meltdown 3: La miasma della morte by Richard of DM

I am possessed by a subgenre. The more of these films I watch, the deeper I get. I hope these Giallo Meltdowns help you, the reader, realize that these yellow films need to be avoided at all costs. You cannot watch just one giallo and be done with it. Next thing you know, you’ll have at least two shelves of your DVD collection dedicated to this stuff. If it can happen to me…

Friday Night

It’s hot outside. Florida in the springtime? That’s not exactly a revelation. But it’s also very weird out. The wind is blowing and the world feels unsettled, like we need to get our asses back indoors before it’s too late. Someone is out to get me. My wife LeEtta might also be in danger so time is of the essence.

Is this normal moviethon panic? Gee, I hope I don’t catch a cold. Gosh, I hope the car doesn’t break down coming back from the liquor store. Golly, I hope there isn’t a tornado. These are the kinds of worries I get right before we get started. My biggest fear, of course, is me giving up in the middle of things, which has happened before.

We go to the drugstore after work so LeEtta can get wine and I can get Arizona iced tea and Vitamin Water. Once we’re home, I fry some asparagus in a pan while she boils a pot of couscous. We throw these things on a plate with a little parmesan cheese and oh yeah, it’s an amazing meal. The asparagus is perfectly seared and I don’t want the meal to end. Okay, enough grub, it’s time to start this motherfucker.

“You cannot imagine the pleasure it gives me to watch a woman in the grip of fear.”

5:30pm

The Frightened Woman

I want to begin with a title I’ve never seen before and The Frightened Woman will do just fine. This film has one of the most distinctive opening credits sequences I’ve ever seen. The whiny wah wah of the guitar of Stelvio Cipriani’s score combined with the weird set designs (of a giant woman with teeth in her vagina) is pretty far out. Is anyone else confused? This stylish and eccentric beast is just getting started and I have no idea what’s going on.

Dagmar Lassander (of Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion) is with us but she’s all nerded out. She plays Maria and her feminist views challenge Dr. Sayer (Philippe Leroy). He invites her back to his place for some research materials. Silly woman, once the J&B starts flowing, you don’t stand a chance. Hey that’s cheating! You can’t drug J&B, it’s already an aphrodesiac. Oh goody, Dr. Sayer is a kinky freak and he really, really, really hates artificial insemination. Dr. Sayer makes Maria his captive. This is not going to end well.

Kiss him! Kiss him! You shall make love to my dummy which is an exact replica of me! Now Dr. Sayer wants a foot rub? Man oh man, this guy knows how to live. He reveals to Maria that he has captured many women before her and toyed with them until he got bored then killed them. In order to avoid being the next victim, she tries to seduce her captor. Wow, her new outfit is some strategically placed strips of gauze. She’s seducing him but it’s working on me! Look at that friggin’ living room.

And now our wacky couple is in love! They even have a wonderful montage of good times and sexy play. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? The scene at the railroad tracks with the not so subtle oral sex joke is pretty darn amazing. Ah yes, this is just the kind of psychosexual artsy (and surreal) trash that I needed. You smell that? It’s irony, bitches. I really don’t know what else to say. You have to see this one for yourselves, folks.

“This place is the Mecca of video poker.”

7:03pm

The Card Player

And now for a complete change of pace. Dario Argento makes his first appearance in a Giallo Meltdown and it couldn’t be with a more unspectacular film. Detective Anna Manni (played by Stefania Rocca) is challenged by a killer to a game of internet poker. The stakes of the game are this: if the killer wins, he kills his captive but if Sara wins, the killer will let the girl go. The idiot police chief makes a stupid call and the girl dies. We’ve got our first sighting of black gloves.

Love that morgue worker, he’s a kooky guy who refers to the cadavers in the freezers as his “dolls”. Ew, nice corpse! Sergio Stivaletti went all out on this one with some disgusting dead body setpieces. Don’t ask me why but much of the violence happens off camera in The Card Player. However, Argento definitely doesn’t shy away from the grueling forensic work. They call in some drunken Irish detective (played by Liam Cunningham) to help out with the investigation. Okay, he’s not drunk… yet.

There are some bad actors and some bad dubbers but they are all equally blessed with the chance to deliver some really bad dialogue. Luckily, the movie is shot gorgeously shot and the main characters are played quite competently by Rocca and Cunningham. The cops pick up this lucky kid named Remo (played by Silvio Muccino) with the “Midas Touch”. They employ him to play against the killer and save the third victim before she gets diced up with a box cutter. Irish man makes love to Italian woman? What will their children’s accents be like?

The standout scene in The Card Player comes when Sara spots the killer just outside her window. Just before the hour mark this film actually becomes quite frightening. It’s a family affair when Fiore Argento shows up as one of the intended victims of the killer. Here’s something to think about: when Asia Argento is starring in her father’s films, she gets raped and brutalized but when Fiore Argento makes a cameo she survives. What is up with that? No wait, she gets killed at the beginning of Phenomena. Wait, does Fiore live through this movie? I’m watching it right now and I can’t even remember. Forget it, I’m not rewinding this shit.

The gimmick of this movie is, for my money, a dismal failure. I really despise card games and especially people who play card games. LeEtta says I’m biased and that she plays card games. Oops, I’m trapped. Okay, my wife is a cool chick so when she plays cards it is okay. But I can’t help making fun of The Card Player. How can a movie be so good and so bad at the same time? The biggest “fuck you” to the viewer comes from the killer’s motive. It’s so pitiful but I won’t reveal it to you. I have a strong urge to turn this off but I can’t. I have to see this through. Don’t listen to me, this is a pretty good movie, beautiful even, but the script just totally falls apart at the end.

“Calm down, Martha!”

8:46pm

Knife of Ice

Umberto Lenzi, you fabulous bastard! I want to thank you for the graphic bullfighting footage but no thank you. No, the quote from Edgar Allen Poe doesn’t help. Caroll Baker plays Martha and she’s got some major issues. She’s on psychological mute due to some past trauma. Damn it, why am I so tired? Oh yeah, I stayed up late watching that stupid Metallica documentary (guilty pleasure). Hey look, it’s Evelyn Stewart as Martha’s friend Jenny. Stewart’s presence almost guarantees that you’re in for a good time. Yikes, there’s a man with spotty eyes watching the girls!

What is up with the staff in this house? Mrs. Briton is “irreplaceable” but Maria the maid is a useless piece of shit. And Marcos the driver (Eduardo Fajardo) is one freaky duder. Uncle Ralph (the guy with the bum ticker) is played by George Rigaud, who was in The Case of the Bloody Iris and about 15 other giallos. Jenny brings a piece of the past with her and it stirs up some painful memories for Martha. Her parents died in a railway accident, by the way. That’s why her volume is turned all the way down.

Oh, I guess Evelyn Stewart won’t be in the rest of the movie. A maniac, perhaps a SEX MANIAC, killed her. It seems that there is a killer on the loose and that cat looks like our cat Crisco. These cops are pretty smart. Because two blond girls have died, that means that Martha is next. The soundtrack by Marcello Giombini is pretty tight and the Spanish scenery is gorgeous. Mrs. Briton is no longer irreplaceable; she’s just a dead non-living corpse who got murdered to death. The mark of the devil is left at the scene. (My computer hates my copy of Knife of Ice so I can’t do anymore screenshots. Use your imaginations for the rest of this one.)

I think this junkie satanic hippie is to blame for all of this. The cops corner him in the graveyard with his stash of morphine. Some local subnormal girl named Christina gives Martha the greatest gift of all: a Snoopy pendant. They’re game of blindfold and go seek turns deadly when young Christina turns up dead. My wife is nodding off. Man, we are totally out of it tonight. Sleep deprivation is a bad way to prepare for a moviethon. LeEtta wakes up and decides to call it an early night.

The funniest thing about Knife of Ice is that Carol Baker plays mute Martha like she’s mildly retarded. Not a great performance. And that’s about the only thing I can complain about. The first time I watched this flick, I was very disappointed but now I’m diggin’ on it. It’s hard not to love a film with a cemetery as beautiful as the one here. Even though Lenzi’s Seven Blood-Stained Orchids is still my favorite, Knife of Ice does have a kick ass ending and is worth tracking down.

“Well hold on to yourself, baby, I’m about to let this big mother fly.”

10:16pm

The Killer Must Kill Again

This time around we know who the killer (played by Antoine Saint-John) is right off the bat. He’s an ugly bastard and a dead booby squeezer. George Hilton is here as Mainardi, a complete bastard. He witnesses the killer disposing of a body and sees an opportunity for blackmail so that he can finally rid himself of his rich wife Norma. The drone of the strings on the soundtrack by is really intense.

Did I mention that the killer is ugly? Yeah, this guy looks like an anorexic skull with cancer. And Saint-John, who plays the soulless assassin, isn’t just a pretty face either. He also happens to pull off an unnerving and relentlessly evil performance. Hey guys, don’t sit next to each other in the darkened theater like that. No one thinks you’re planning anything but man-love. Whoa, Mainardi’s house is all giallo, all the time!

Luigi Cozzi, who went on to direct the abominable splatter sci-fi flick Contamination, likes to provide the juxtaposition of images with quick editing. For instance, showing Nora’s murder while her asshole husband is yucking it up at a party is just one of his tricks. Later in The Killer Must Kill Again, a brutal rape is intercut with a steamy sex scene and it is really fucking annoying.

The perfect murder goes awry when two dumb thrill-seekers steal the killer’s car with Norma’s body resting permanently in the trunk. The wannabe criminal is Luca, played by Alessio Orano of Lisa and the Devil, and his girlfriend Laura is Cristina Galbó from What Have You Done to Solange?. Leaving a trail of idiocy in their wake, it is easy for the killer to find them and stay on their tails as they make their way to the beach. Ah, that is so sweet. They’re going to the seaside so Luca can deflower his lady.

The cops pay a visit to George Hilton and the chief inspector on the case is Eduardo Fajardo (who was just in Knife of Ice). He thinks that George’s wife has been kidnapped and doesn’t immediately suspect the guy of being a complete fuckbag. Meanwhile, the kids go to a beautiful shack on the waterfront and Laura begins to sense that something bad is going to happen. She’s right. Some bad shit is about to go down.

Luca goes out to pick up some food and leaves Laura alone. While he’s out, scumbag Luca meets a stranded (and slutty) motorist (played by Femi Benussi) and they have sex in the car (which still has Norma’s corpse in the trunk). Indirect necrophilia! At the same moment the hot sex is taking place, Laura is getting raped by the killer. Thanks, Luigi Cozzi, you are an asshole! Your attempt at being provocative is stupid and you pretty much ruin this movie with the whole sexy rape bit.

ANYWAY, now that business is finally out of the way… Luca comes back with his ditzy blond friend and the killer is there waiting for them. Wouldn’t you know it, that little slice of roadside trash gets the best death scene in the movie. Ladies, pay attention, you should never sleep with Luca by the roadside because you will die. Things are heating up and I’ve already given away too much already.

Technically, The Killer Must Kill Again is very well made and there are some very cool moments but I wouldn’t call it a classic. This movie has all the right elements for a great giallo including a palpably bleak atmosphere but I just can’t connect with it. The exploitation bit just doesn’t sit right with me. This is an odd flick to end the first night on but there are more great (and better) things to come tomorrow. Goodnight all.

Saturday

I don’t know if other horror movie obsessives experience this phenomenon or not but I sure do. I call them bland nightmares. After thousands of hours of gore, zombies, death, blood, and mayhem on video, these things no longer haunt my dreams. Instead I have terrifyingly banal stress dreams about awkward social situations. I’ll have work-related horrors in which a meeting I’m at turns into me getting put on the spot and fired for mild infractions like eating the last donut or not complimenting my boss’s new shoes. Honestly, I wake up in a cold sweat from this dull garbage.

Long story short (too late), I did NOT dream about a razor-wielding maniac nor about Carol Baker’s silent scream and I sure as hell didn’t dream about that stupid rape sequence from The Killer Must Killer Again (praise God). That was a weird way to start this moviethon. Two great movies and two busts. Great scenes in both of the downers but not great films. So far, The Frightened Woman has been the best surprise.

LeEtta and I get up at a reasonable hour and go for breakfast at Einstein’s. I know, I know. We are creatures of habit and the killer could easily find us and slash our bagel swallowing throats but that’s just a risk I’m willing to take. I recently discovered their garlic and herb pizza bagel so you really can’t blame me, right? We go to 7-11 afterwards where I get a Slurpee, some sweet tea, and various bagel and pretzel chips. It’s getting late, I better get the first movie started.

“You slut! I knew I couldn’t trust you.”

10:44am

Liz & Helen

If I was smart I would have a Riccardo Freda moviethon. The guy was a major talent that slipped into obscurity way too early. Holy crow, that opening car vs. train wreck is pretty amusing. The train is about to hit the car when the entire scene magically turns into a toy train set and a model car colliding with comedic violence. This DVD from Alfa Digital takes some getting used to. This glorified bootleg is a composite of two prints of the film, each with varying quality. As the movie plays, it switches back and forth between these versions which is pretty damn annoying. Waa, waa, I’m a big baby!

The magnificent Klaus Kinski plays John and he’s concerned about his wife Helen (Margaret Lee) and her lesbian relationship with Liz (Annabella Incontrera). His heartbreak turns into an obsession and he is forced to let her go. Because some mysterious black-gloved person plants a bomb in her car, Helen dies in a hilariously fake car wreck (another toy car). John is grief stricken and cannot believe that Helen is dead. However, he does have a really hot secretary to keep him company (but he brushes her off).

Oh yeah, Lucio Fulci co-wrote this script (sort of) with Riccardo Freda. Riccardo Freda co-directed I Vampiri with Mario Bava. Mario Bava worked on Inferno with Dario Argento. Dario Argento was working with Lucio Fulci on the screenplay for Wax Mask when Fulci passed away. This is all very fascinating (and tenuously connected) stuff, I know. I’m a super nerd by the way.

This awesome song that Helen used to listen to begins playing one dark and stormy night. Suddenly, we have a gothic scenario as John roams around the mansion with a candelabra to light his way. He discovers a super hottie named Christine (played by Christiane Krüger) using his shower. John is such a pimp that he’s all like “Beyatch, I ain’t got time for you. Now get out my castle!” Wait, that doesn’t make him a pimp, that makes him an idiot.

John drives Christine to a hippie festival where there’s rampant nudity, bad music, shaky camera, and unsafe motorcycling. In a back room, the filthy pervert hippies show a porno starring Christine and a woman who shares many similarities with dead Helen. John is disturbed but not because these filthy libertines are destroying everything moral and sacred in our great nation (this is supposed to England, right?). Instead, he is rather perturbed by the fact that Christine claims to have made this film AFTER Helen’s death. Vertigo, anyone?

After some wheeling and dealing (and threatening Christine with a broken bottle), John obtains the film and even more clues point to the fact that Helen might just be alive. He tries to get his father-in-law to buy into his story, which is actually pretty amusing. “Dad, you’ve got to believe me! Now come and watch this porno starring your daughter.” Oh shit, the film has been switched and now it looks like John is a crazy-pants. Whoa, shit just all noir and shit.

John’s hot secretary returns for some lovin’ and I’m sorry but who is Helen again? How lame is this dude? I guess I’d be pretty distracted by The Case of the Returning Furs (and Dog) if I were John too. This movie does have some unfortunate padding. What the fuck? The climax is about start when John has to go to a bar and think about things. Oh snap, there’s the twist! Have I dreamt this moment? No, it's that fake ass car/train accident again. Genius!

“I was right, you’re a sweet, sweet whore.”

12:21pm

Spasmo

What initially repelled and attracted me to this film was its awful trailer. The not-so-spooky voice screaming “Spasmo!” over and over again was hilarious but didn’t exactly make me want to give this Umberto Lenzi flick a chance. When I finally did get around to it, Spasmo turned out to be an excellent flick. It is a little on the dry side with the bloodshed and slowly paced. Plus, it’s more of an obtuse and arty mystery flick than a straight up giallo. But I ain’t compainin’. Spasmo has just enough kink and twisted psychology to fit right into my collection and the moviethon.

Christian Bauman (played by Robert Hoffmann) and his lady friend Xenia (Maria Pia Conte) are strolling by the seaside talking about strangled dogs when they spot what they think is a dead body by the water. It turns out to be a living corpse named Barbara (Suzy Kendall). Barbara explains that she passed out from the heat but she sure is acting suspicious. She bolts but they run into her later at a yacht party. Xenia bluntly announces that she isn’t pregnant because she just got her period. Though it should be joyous news, this revelation darkens the mood so Christian runs off with Barbara. This is all pretty stupid.

LeEtta notices something important. Christian and Barbara have now started a relationship. It’s not just sex either. They’ve abandoned their significant others for a suddenly deep devotion for one another. This happens all the time in giallis. This “love” often propels the story along or at least makes things more shocking when one of the interested parties turns out to be the killer. I don’t think Suzy Kendall is attractive, by the way. LeEtta agrees and says she looks like a dried up Sandra Dee who’s been used up by one too many Dannys. Grease has been on TV a lot lately.

Ennio Morricone is a god by the way. His soundtrack for Spasmo is a leering and slithery, atonal monster that freaks me out. While shaving off his beard (at Barbara’s request), Christian is accosted by a duder with a gun in the bathroom. Christian accidentally kills him right there in the bathroom so he and Barbara go on the run. They break into Barbara’s friend’s castle by the beach and it just happens to be very creepy inside. And by creepy, I mean tacky. Christian finds a pair of bloody garden shears in the yard but he just tosses them down the well. Nothing strange about that, right?

Two weirdos, Malcolm (Guido Alberti) and Clorinda (Monica Monet), show up and this movie becomes instantly hilarious. The poorly translated and poorly written dialogue becomes so awkward and stilted that it is impossible to take any of it seriously. Line after line of baffling bullshit comes tumbling out of these characters’ mouths and I can’t help but fall in love with Spasmo even more. I haven’t even mentioned the parade of mutilated mannequins and sex dolls on display in this film. It seems that someone really hates fake ladies.

And where the fuck is Ivan Rassimov? The credits promised me he was in this film! I demand Ivan Rassimov! Christian hooks up with Clorinda (sort of rapes her actually) but it turns deadly... or does it? Spasmo continually throws logic out the window. Whether it is on purpose or not, this movie is so dern confounding that it is impossible to figure what is going on. The most important thing is that Christian has an awesome car. I’m not a car person but his luscious BMW is making me drool.

Ivan Rassimov is FINALLY here as Fritz. He’s Christian’s brother who has been orchestrating this whole thing. The brothers have their showdown (sort of) and everything is explained. Everything except for the first two thirds of this fucking movie. But it ain’t over yet, kids. The unintentional comedy just keep on coming. I can’t help but love the ending even though the road to get there was a treacherous one. Spasmo is as Spasmo does.

“Dirty keeler!”

2:01pm

7 Murders for Scotland Yard

This Spanish giallo is pretty half-assed but I just can’t resist the chance to sneak Paul Naschy into a Giallo Meltdown. A man picks up a whore after she asks him that age old question: “You wanna make it?” They go to her room where she starts to undress but we are denied! The goofs who released this DVD have given us the “clothed” version. There will be no nudity in 7 Murders for Scotland Yard but that’s okay. I’m more concerned about the terrible gore effects. The hooker gets stabbed and her skin resembles a leather handbag.

Paul Naschy plays Pedro, a drunken ex-circus performer who limps around getting into bar brawls. The blue-tinted flashback where we see Pedro’s “career-ending” injury is pretty priceless. He stumbles getting down from the net and then rolls around in pain for some reason. The police already suspect Pedro of being the killer because he is an unusual person when his wife gets done in by the killer as well. Apparently the killer is of the Jack the Ripper variety and keeps souvenirs of his crimes in jars in an old house that serves as his hideout.

Campbell, the detective on the case and Winston (played by Renzo Marignano), a school teacher (played by Andrés Resino of Werewolf Shadow), are buds and are casually discussing this rash of recent murders. Winston’s ditzy wife Sandra (Orchidea de Santis) has some ideas about the perpetrator but no one listens to her. The next day at school, Winston makes a pass at one of his naughty girl students. What the hell kind of a boarding school is this? The post-modern concrete structure is just about the worst location in the world and the filmmakers even try to fake the height of the building by showing the girl going down the exact same flight of stairs twice.

Uh oh, the student Winston fancied just got murdered and now the cops are even more confused. Meanwhile, Pedro hooks up with another broad named Belinda. She gets plastered and makes an incredible speech about what bastards men are. In the next scene, Pedro wakes up to find Belinda murdered beside him and the cops banging on the door. Now he’s kind of the prime suspect.

Break time

My in-laws arrive for a brief visit, which gives us a chance to take a break from this dang movie. We go out to Jimmy John’s for some subs and they are delicious. Back home, we gab for a while, they make their exit and then it’s back to the moviethon.

7 Murders for Scotland Yard (continued)

Oh shit. Winston’s wife Sandra just got gotten by the killer. Now Pedro is hiding out in some new broad’s apartment drinking up all of her Vat 69. Her name is Lulu and she can’t be havin’ any of his bullshit. She gets pissed off and kicks him out. Detective Campbell tells Winston that he knows about he and Sandra’s marital problems. Winston admits to being impotent and blah blah blah. Now Pedro is fighting some dudes in the most awkwardly staged and boring fight scene ever filmed. Shit, this flick is all over the damn place. At least the organ-driven lounge music is nice.

In order to convince us this film actually takes place in England (HOW EXOTIC!), we get some nice endless shots of London. One of the unpaid extras actually tries to duck out of the way of the camera while he’s walking right towards it. Geez, these friends of Pedro sure don’t fight for their lives very well. Winston, Campbell, and Pedro show up at the same spot so we can finally find out who the dang ripper is. Okay, the rest of 7 Murders may be a convoluted disaster but at least the film looks amazing. I tip my hat to cinematographer Diego Úbeda. And I have tot admit that the climax of this one, both bloody and tense, is pretty cool.

“Damn you, blind man!”

5:38pm

The Crimes of the Black Cat

The opening music by composer is very seductive. Anthony Steffen plays Peter Oliver, a blind composer who overhears a conversation that he shouldn’t have. His caretaker is Burton and he is played by the awesome Umberto Raho of Four Flies on Grey Velvet and many other giallos. Victor Morgan (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart), the co-owner of a nearby fashion house is not too faithful with his wife Francoise (Sylva Koscina). Hey look, it’s Annabella Incontrera, the rabid lesbian from The Case of the Bloody Iris, and she is as foxy as ever. She’s playing Helga, yet another lesbian character. Nice work if you can get it.

A mysterious woman in a white cloak delivers death by one of the most bizarre methods I’ve ever seen. A very ornery kitty cat with poison on his claws delivers a fatal scratch to… A FASHION MODEL! This dead model named Paola just happened to be lovers with Peter and since she had just dumped him, our bitter blind friend is now a suspect. Peter and Paola’s friend Margot decide to try and figure out why she was killed.

We have another murder and so far everyone is a freakin’ suspect! The mysterious woman in the white cape is Susan, a junkie who is under the control of someone. And she owns a parrot! The cat has struck again and the lesbian is dead. Peter is composing a score for a giallo film and the clips are from Lucio Fulci’s A Lizard in Woman’s Skin. LeEtta’s friend Kat arrives in time to witness the freakin’ junkie go through one of her funny morphine withdrawal fits.

And then the mystery starts to bog down the movie. Peter demonstrates how the cat could be trained to kill someone and it is pretty unimpressive. Kat and LeEtta escape to get a bite to eat. Things start to pick up as the body count rises. With the junkie out of the way, the real mastermind behind the murders gets in on the action. The Crimes of the Black Cat really compensates for its brief slowness by going into overdrive for the last half hour.

The plot goes nuts but before the big reveal, we are treated to a very nasty slashing in the shower. I kept reading that the Dago Red DVD of the film is censored but after that bloody mess, I have no idea what was cut. There appeared to be some quick edits but the gore left on display was pretty damn extreme. I’m pretty satisfied though the subtitles are miniscule and nearly impossible to read. Peter is alone with the killer in his apartment for the showdown (with badass lighting) and we finally get to know what the fuss was all about in a typically rushed giallo ending.

“Listen, don’t think so hard. Get undressed.”

7:17pm

Perversion Story

Lucio Fulci has officially entered into his first Giallo Meltdown. This DVD didn’t come out until long after Doomed Fulci-Thon was over. I am very pleased that his 1969 giallo can finally make its moviethon debut. Perversion Story AKA One on Top of the Other opens with the shakiest helicopter shots I’ve ever seen. San Francisco has never been so bouncy. The San Francisco treat is Dramamine.

In our second Vertigo ripoff of the day, Dr. George Dumurrier (played by Jean Sorel) is the man behind a specialized clinic which is in danger of going under due to his many unpaid debts. George is married to Susan (played by Marisa Mell), a woman at death’s door due to her chronic asthma. He takes a moment explaining to his wife’s new nurse about her medications and how confusing them could cause SUFFOCATION and DEATH. Hilarious.

Of course, George is a cheating bastard with a hot (though somewhat masculine) mistress named Jane (Elsa Martinelli) who wears see-through panties. She dumps him because he won’t leave his wife for her. Oh no, not more bouncy helicopter shots! He and his Jane patch things up but while they’re celebrating, George gets the call that his wife has dropped dead. Back at the house, we see just how morbid Fulci can be. Susan’s corpse is laid out in black, hands clasped on a black bedspread and the whole scene is beautifully staged.

Apparently, Susan took out a 2 million dollar insurance policy on herself just before she died but George claims that he had no knowledge of it. With the investors backing his clinic and the insurance company breathing down his neck, George decides blow off some steam at a strip club. It is there that he sees a stripper named Monica (Marisa Mell again) who is a dead ringer for dead Susan. Her strip tease atop a big motorcycle is fifteen different varieties of hot.

George gets his chance to make love to Monica but he’s haunted by visions of dead Susan which gives their affair a nice hint of necrophilia. Ain’t that sweet? By the way, this big jazzy score by composer Riz Ortolani is the bomb. The insurance folks and the cops find out about this twin of dead Susan and haul Monica in for questioning. They suspect that she is Susan in disguise and that she and George are working an insurance scam. Pudgy-faced Fulci makes a director’s cameo as a handwriting expert. Jane tricks Monica into getting naked but I forget why. The whole scene is interesting to say the least.

We have a J&B sighting and Marisa Mell in a very unflattering outfit. The cops flip flop after they prove that Monica and dead Susan are not the same person. Now they just think that George is a murderer and he’s on death row awaiting the gas chamber. I’m leaving out huge chunks of this awesome story here because it gets pretty complicated and I don’t want to totally ruin the movie for you.

Cigar Break & Dinner

Out on the patio, I smoke a powerful and tasty Gurkha cigar (provided by my father-in-law) while downing a Vitamin Water (Sync flavor). My iPod is loaded with selections from giallo soundtracks. It is a cloudless night that is blessedly cooler than the day and I’m just trying to feel normal again. My eyes feel like pool balls that were stuffed into my eye sockets in a most unpleasant manner. LeEtta and Kat return from their dinner at Tia’s on Fowler Avenue with some delicious leftovers for me. They brought some cheese flautas, guacamole, and refried beans which I devour like a starved animal.

“But I’m alive. You can’t do this!”

10:00pm

Short Night of Glass Dolls

I just accidentally made this a Jean Sorel double feature. I forgot that he stars in this Aldo Lado masterpiece. Sorel plays Gregory Moore, a man found unconscious in the park and brought to the hospital. He is pronounced dead on arrival and taken to the morgue. There’s just one little problem, Gregory ain’t dead. He can’t move but he can hear, see, and feel everything around him.

In this paralyzed state, he is placed in the freezer with only his own thoughts screaming out even though no one can hear him. The rest of the movie bounces between flashbacks and the present while Gregory pieces together how he ended up in this terrifying predicament. Memories come floating back to him, sometimes out of order and each detail reveals clues to the mystery.

It took me a long time to warm up to Short Night of Glass Dolls. This movie bored me to tears the first time I watched it and subsequent viewings were no help. But tonight is different. Gregory, an American journalist in a politically unstable Prague, is not afraid of covering stories no one else will touch. Valinski (played by José Quaglio) is his awesomely awesome Slavic friend. Friend? Yeah right. TRUST NO ONE, DUDERS!

Gregory’s girlfriend Mira is played by the lovely Barbara Bach of (The Black Belly of the Tarantula). She arrives by train from abroad for a visit and their relationship is very sweet. But there is an aura of dread hanging around this young couple. A cryptic atmosphere follows them wherever they go. Some diabolical trouble is brewing, yo.

Jessica (played by Ingrid Thulin), a fellow reporter in love with Gregory (and wears terrible headscarves), is very jealous of Mira. She tries to woo him back to her but he’s faithful to his lady. Later that night, Gregory runs out to meet his colleague for some information on a story. When he returns, Mira is gone. She has disappeared without taking her passport, her money, or even her clothes. Thus begins the investigation to find a hottie.

Lado has a knack for eccentric ephemeral characters. Carter is a crazy scientist who demonstrates that tomatoes feel pain. Kat comments on Jean Sorel’s beautifully shiny and luxurious hair. Who am I to deny its power? The tense soundtrack is masterfully composed by Ennio Morricone. Neon red blood and living corpses scattered all over the city. Things get really strange and trippy.

He uncovers a conspiracy involving high society and members of the government involved in a satanic sex death cult. His buddy Valinski's accent is all over the place. He’s Irish, he’s Slovakian, he’s everything. We are all relieved when Jealous Jessica takes off her fucking headscarf and finally reveals that she does have hair. When things are tough, Gregory falls back into bed with Jessica. The hell is that about? Rebound much? After sleeping with Jessica, Gregory decides to end it all. Just kidding.

There’s the damn hippie singing about butterflies and a rain of blood. One of Gregory’s friends, a doctor, notices that his body has not gone through the proper stages of rigor mortis nor has the temperature dropped as far as it should have. So he tries reviving him but to no avail. Now Gregory is headed for his own autopsy which will surely kill him. The ending is very tense. How will this all end? I’m a total schmuck for not seeing how great this film is until I’d watched it about 6 times. Duh.

Goodnight

Kat bids us farewell and takes her leave. It’s still a little early but I want to get some rest. There is a lot of ground to cover tomorrow in the yellow gloaming of Giallo Meltdown 3. What the hell am I talking about? Good night, y’all.

Sunday

Around 7:30am, our cat Sparkles decides that it is time for me to wake up. She crawls over my side and gets between LeEtta and I. She then proceeds to push herself into my stomach and bark at me. Yes, our cat barks. When her purr engine is going and she wants to get our attention, Sparkles will get our attention with quick bursts of meowing. To me this sounds like a very sick dog. I painfully come to the realization that I can’t go back to sleep and I might as well get up.

After getting dressed and feeding our demonic cats, I wake up LeEtta. She gets ready, feeds the bird and we’re off to breakfast. It’s Easter Sunday so Bob Evans is closed. We head up Fletcher and then to Bruce B. Downs where there is a Panera Bread. The place is practically deserted. I order a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich and LeEtta gets a spinach and artichoke soufflé. We also get a cinnamon bun to share. THIS IS A FEAST! We hit the drugstore for some crackers and so I can get some Vitamin Water. Then it is back home and the Easter Sunday giallo slaughter can begin.

“That lady’s a mystery I’d rather not solve.”

9:56am

Amuck!

Barbara Bouchet and Rosalba Neri. What more could you ask for? Well, how about some sleazy sex and a killer soundtrack by Teo Usuelli to tickle your fancies? Bouchet stars as Greta, a young lady who arrives in Venice to work for a writer named Richard Stewart played the awesomely awesome Farley Granger. He and wife Eleonora (Neri) are a little strange and the moment they are alone, they exchange some suspicious glances. Police commissioner Antonelli (Nino Segurini) stops by investigating the disappearance of Richard’s previous secretary Sally.

In town, Greta meets with the commissioner and reveals that she and Sally were friends and that she got the job working for Richard in order to find out why her friend disappeared. Next, naked nudeness of Barbara Bouchet. Greta is surprised by Rocco, a mentally handicapped fisherman, hanging around her window. Richard explains that Rocco is harmless. Then Eleonora soothes Greta to sleep with the help of a sedative and then molests her while she’s doped up. Slow motion lesbian shenanigans! And to think it’s only her second night at her new gig.

Clearly, Richard and Eleonora are two depraved freaks that throw sex parties and drink alcohol and take drugs. These degenerates watch films porno films and grope each other in the dark. Greta loses her cool at the party when Richard plays a film starring her friend Sally. Richard notices her slip of the tongue and the games begin. He begins to outline a whodunit for her dictate, which, of course, is the story of what happened to Sally.

Ah, sweet memories of Sally (played by Patrizia Viotti). In a flashback, we find out that she and Greta were more than friends. Their nudie frolicking in the waterfall turns to experimentation. Back in the present, the malevolent butler (played by Umberto Raho) nearly catches Greta snooping around and ends up locking her in the creepy basement. The tension goes up when Richard and Eleonora return from a hunting trip and Greta narrowly escapes getting caught prowling around.

Later, Greta meets up with subnormal Rocco again at his shanty. A proper host, he kills and flays an eel for her. There is some awkward sexual tension there that just should not be and Greta goes back to the house. A surprise supernatural moment comes when Eleonora (who, according to Richard, has extra sensory perception) goes into a trance and we get an impromptu séance. She channels Sally and warns Greta that she is in danger. Man, this film is pretty friggin’ awesome.

The next morning, Greta joins the Stewarts on one of their hunting expeditions and it turns ugly. While running from a volley of "friendly” fire, Greta falls into quicksand and nearly sinks but that cop Antonelli shows up and saves her. She tries to explain everything to the cop but he thinks she’s nuts. While relating her side of things, Greta confuses “complicated” with just plain stupid and the cop leaves without doing anything. This is all redundant because it is so fucking obvious that Richard and Eleonora are guilty as hell. Since when do Italian cops do things by the book?

By the way, Richard Stewart is a bad writer. His hammy recordings, which are supposed to be spooky are totally corny. Greta confronts him about what really happened to Sally and Richard relates a tale of sex and booze and retardation. It seems that Eleonora encouraged Rocco to get it on with Sally and things went wrong, very wrong. This scene is very dark and disturbing but it lets you know that this movie is no longer messing around.

Before we go any further, let me pause for a moment to praise Rosalba Neri. Not just another pretty face (and a hot body), Neri always delivers when it comes to playing the bad girl. Her sharp features are softened by her large, expressive eyes. However, these eyes often reveal a diabolical intelligence or madness or both at work. I recommend Lady Frankenstein and The Devil’s Wedding Night for two of Neri’s most unhinged performances.

We have some calm before the storm but it will be brief. For some reason, Greta is put at ease now that she finally knows “the truth”. She turns her brain off and makes love to Richard. Yeah, this is pretty much total idiocy. Now Richard and Eleonora have Greta right where they want her. Everything falls into place as this underrated little flick goes into full gear for the climax. Where is the damn widescreen version of this? Anyone?

“Sometimes I think you have a professional sickness.”

11:39am

Door into Darkness

I had read about these four hour long giallo films produced for Italian television by Dario Argento. I waited and waited for years for these to become available her in the US. When they did come out the consensus of most of the reviews I read was that this four hour anthology wasn’t very good. Argento himself introduces the stories and even does a little acting as a hitchhiker picked up by the main characters of the first tale.



The Neighbor

Luigi Cozzi directs the first of these four films. In it, Stefania and Luca (played by Laura Belli and Aldo Reggiani), move with their baby into a new place by the seaside. They arrive to their destination and what’s the first thing they do? They manage to get their car stuck in the mud. Foreboding! There’s no phone, it’s a creepy place, and the place is filthy. They stay up late watching Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein and the editor goes bonkers for a few minutes with some subliminal shots of a stain on the ceiling (which looks like a big vagina).

Stefania finally notices the stain on the wall and they decide to go upstairs and figure what the dang neighbors are up to. The tap was running in the bathroom and the whole apartment is flooded. They turn off the water but find a dead woman in the tub. This discovery is accompanied by an explosive burst of jazz and I simultaneously discover that Sparkles is totally passed out and not at all concerned with Stefania and Luca’s situation. Crisco, however, is wide awake and ready to help save some lives.

The plot for this one is pretty weak as ugly Richard Gere (their murderous neighbor played by Mimmo Palmara) comes back and they try to distract him from figuring out they have discovered his secret. Aw, the poor killer is depressed. He mopes about the place dragging his shovel behind him.

I’m getting a little antsy watching this one. The pacing is way off and I’m relieved that this isn’t a full length movie. Oh yes, I loves me some Italian architecture. Hey, the killer is really a nice dude. He thinks he’s doing the couple a favor by killing them. What a guy! Glad that’s over. At least Cozzi didn’t sneak any rape scenes into this one. My good friend Nafa calls and it seems that he will be joining Giallo Meltdown 3 in a little while.

The Tram

While cleaning a tram, a bus station worker discovers the corpse of a woman stuffed under a seat. An eccentric detective Giordani (played by Enzo Cerusico) gets frustrated when he can’t figure out how the hell the girl was stabbed to death in a trolley full of passengers. Dude has this irritating affectation of snapping his fingers while he’s thinking. Dude thinks a lot. The next day, the cops get a confession from a loony and it is a really funny scene.

They round up all the passengers who rode the train the night of the murder and it is a deluge of familiar faces. Even Maria Tedeschi, the old lady from The Case of the Bloody Iris, is in this one. After they recreate the evens of that fateful night, the ticket collector looks very guilty. They guy gets 30 years but the detective knows something is wrong.

Giordani decides to recreate the events of that night one more time. He gets the bright idea to use his hot wife Giulia (played by Paola Tedesco) in place of the dead girl. This is probably not a good idea, duder. This story is world’s better than the first. I hope they keep getting better.

Eye Witness

Nafa arrives right at the beginning of this episode. This one starts with Argento asking a detective for a good story. None of the lurid tales impress the master of horror until this one. Hey, it’s Marilù Tolo, the hottie from My Dear Killer. Both Nafa and LeEtta question my proclamation of hottie-ness but damn it, the woman is gorgeous. She plays Roberta, a woman on her way home who nearly runs over a girl on a deserted road. It turns out the girl has been shot to death. When the killer comes after her, she bolts to a diner and calls the cops. She relates her story to the cop and wouldn’t you know it, there isn’t a body or a bloodstain to be found.

Her husband Guido (Riccardo Salvino) shows up and he doesn’t believe her either. Wait, is the word “eyewitness” a verb? The cop just used it that way. His advice: “Be with your husband. Don’t expose yourself.” Back at home, Roberta reads, smokes a lot and gets mysterious phone calls. Guido gives her a ring with an insect on it because it’s their anniversary. There is some debate between Nafa, LeEtta and myself about which anniversary is the insect jewelry anniversary. They go out for a hot night of dancing and driving around. Roberta gets all hot and bothered on the way home so they stop on the side of the road to make love (presumably).

The next day, the detective shows Roberta some photos of girls that have been missing. Instead of a book of photos, they have a machine the size of a house with tow small monitors on it. The editor decides to show us important things that we’d have to be blind to miss by zooming in on them. There’s lots of bad jazz in this one. The drummer gets many chances to solo (which almost makes up for it).

In order to catch and kill the killer, Guido comes up with the worst plan in the history of plans; the lynchpin of which involves Roberta hiding behind the couch. Trapped inside the house with the killer trying to get to her, Roberta might just be totally screwed. The reveal at the ending is incredibly stupid but I’ll take it. Even the subtitles start to give way to complete nonsense and typos.

The Doll

Robert Hoffman, Erika Blanc, and Umberto Raho? Yes! We got some POV action up in here, y’all. A person escapes from an insane asylum in broad daylight and then the plot just kind of shatters into a thousand pieces. We don’t know what’s going on but this reeks of Argento. Robert Hoffmann’s character is very unfriendly. He checks into a hotel where a nosy old lady gets all up in his business. Could he be the escaped maniac?

The oddly pretty Erika Blanc shows up. She’s a seamstress and she gets killed off pretty quickly. The scene is very atmospheric with a very hyperactive camera. Nice. Hoffmann’s on the run with the cops on his tail so he buys a scarf to disguise himself. After about 20 minutes into this one, Nafa is called away for a key emergency and regretfully has to split. LeEtta and I gear up to face the rest of the moviethon alone. Hoffman starts following a lady (played by the totally gorgeous Mara Venier) and they end up back at her place. Hmm, if I say any more about this one, I’ll ruin it. This is just a really cool episode.

Power Nap!

I lay down after The Doll is over and doze briefly. I dream of a confusing giallo TV series with a kind female narrator who explains everything to me. The episodes get faster and faster as I feel more deeply asleep. Next thing I know, I’m in a sitcom trying to catch my roommate’s hamster that has escaped in the house. I chase it all over the place trying to keep the cats away from it. When I finally do catch the thing it is some kind of super hamster with armor and super jumping legs. I put it back in its cage and the hamster turns into the youngest daughter on a black version of "The Simpsons".

The father says something witty, the canned laughter kicks in, and then the credits roll. That’s when my alarm goes off and I look around the room. The afternoon sun is pouring in through the curtains, bathing the room in a soft yellow light. I feel very strange. I do NOT want to think about what any of those dreams symbols meant.

“I wasn’t in jail for 13 years for nothing, I’m a specialist!”

5:35pm

In the Folds of the Flesh

In the Folds of the Flesh is an Italian and Spanish co-production that must be seen to be believed. After a nonsensical quote (and then a nonsensical title card), the next thing we see is a severed head. So I just took a very disorienting nap and this is what I wake up to? Awesome. My head feels like it is filled with helium and I don’t even notice that my mouth is hanging open for the first several minutes of the film. A fat man on a scooter is trying to get away from the police and a woman named Lucille (played by Eleonora Rossi Drago) is trying to cover up the beheading of her husband. These two meet by chance and then we flash forward 13 years.

Nowadays, Lucille and her family are totally insane. They have covered up the murder of the father all this time and it has made them all mad. Her son Collin is the man of the house and he doesn’t like it when Michelle, his childhood friend shows up. The word “titillating” comes up over and over again as Michelle brashly hits on Collin’s sister Falesse (Pier Angeli). Falesse is completely insane by the way. The special attention sets her off and she knifes the fool to death. Next, Michelle’s jerky friend Alex (played by Víctor Alcázar) comes sniffing around and is an even bigger sleazeball. Hey you stupid asshole, don’t spit on the vultures!

Now Falesse hooks up with Alex and Collin is none too happy to see her in the arms with another man, another victim. This dang family sure knows how to entertain. Falesse strums the guitar while Collin talks about being a true artist. I feel like I’m going mad. Uh oh, brother and sister start making out when some erotic poetry they recorded TOGETHER starts playing on the old tape recorder. Alex thinks he’s in for a good time with Feliz but he shares the same fate as her father.

Pascal (the fat man of the scooter-riding variety) is fresh out of prison and has returned to blackmail Lucille and the family for what he witnessed on that fateful night 13 years ago. Pascal is played by Fernando Sancho who my friend Scott refers to as Mexi-Shatner and lent his enormous talents to a ton of spaghetti westerns. In this movie Sancho is a cigar-chomping pirate of sorts and assures us, while drinking J&B, that his time in prison was not misspent. When the family refuses to dig up their father’s body, Pascal kills one of Collin’s precious pet vultures and they get to a brawlin’.

This garishly colored gem of a film is definitely one of a kind. The music is a hodgepodge of library music. Every character is either a scumbag or a maniac. The hardened criminal takes the family hostage, rapes the women, and makes Collin shine his shoes. He plans on extorting $200,000 out of them but I have a feeling he will not be getting his booty. Lucille plans to poison Pascal with dissolving poison cyanide tablets, the kind she learned all about when the Nazis killed her family and friends.

The plan to kill Pascal actually works so Lucille and Collin dissolve his body with acid. Andre (played by Alfredo Mayo of My Dear Killer), the father who we thought was dead, returns and everyone (including myself) is totally confounded. The explanation is so overly complicated that I’m not even going to go in to it. Just like this movie, the twist is equal parts idiotic and awesome. Wait, who is Ester? Okaaaaaaay. So Lucille and Andre have another daughter who died tragically and who we are just now learning about now? It is an hour into the dang movie and every thread of this cat’s cradle ass plot is collapsing onto itself!

Holy shit! Andre just delivered a 360 degree bitch slap to Lucille. Ester is brought out of the loony bin and now she’s the other girl. Um... what? So Falessa is Ester and/or Falessa is Ester. I think I missed something but- Whoa, spinny room! God help us all, this movie is a mad little adventure. In the Folds of the Flesh has even driven Baby, our bird, insane. She is screaming her little green head off while plot revelation upon revelation just keeps on a-comin’. There is no way to keep up or make sense of any of it. Who cares? I just know that I fucking love this movie.

“You are full of shit but I like you.”

7:19pm

Watch Me When I Kill

I finally got to ditch my shitty VCI DVD of Watch Me When I Kill when I obtained this new release from Shameless. Not that this film was one of my favorites or anything but you know how it is when you get a restored edition, you just gotta see what’s been right under your nose the whole time but didn’t really appreciate because of the poor quality and stuff, right? RIGHT!!?!?!?!? Sorry about that. I think In the Folds of the Flesh drove me insane.

A pharmacist is murdered, a seemingly senseless crime. The guy gets bashed on the head with a blunt object and then one of the most half-assed throat-slashings I’ve ever seen takes place. The killer narrowly avoids being spotted by several witnesses including Mara (played by Paola Tedesco (didn’t we see her earlier today?), a performer at a nightclub who gets close enough to hear the voice of the murderer. Two filmmakers try to encourage her to be in their movie but she’s skeptical. Her friend Lukas (Corrado Pani) shows up and he takes her home. Let me stress that this duder Lukas is one smooth bastard.

The killer comes snooping around in Mara’s apartment (great scene, by the way) but flees when interrupted by a neighbor’s dog. Fearing for her life, she crashes at Lukas’s place. The next morning, they chill in the courtyard while he smokes cheap cigars and drinks J&B. Giovanni (played by Fernando Cerulli) is an old gay man who lives in Lukas’s building. He receives and records a threatening phone call. The person doesn’t speak but plays a series of odd sounds. He takes it to Lukas and they go to a sound studio to decipher what is on the recording. I’m making this film sound really boring. Sorry, there’s a lot going on and I’m getting mixed up with these people’s names. Shit!

Esmerelda (Bianca Toccafondi), a friend of Giovanni’s who is somehow connected to all of this, gets killed in an especially horrible way (head stuffed in oven). Then while helping Giovanni park his car, Mara is nearly murdered by an unseen assailant who is actually gunning for him. Instead of going to the police, Mara and Lukas decide to solve the mystery themselves. Holy shit, this progressive rock music is awesome but it is quite interruptive.

Oh no, the Nazis are at it again. Turns out some of the victims were former SS or something and the killer wants retribution from them all. Giovanni retreats to Padua where he thinks he will be “safe” from the killer. Not true. While taking his pretty blue bath, he gets drowned to death. Lukas comes to meet him there, finds out he was murdered, and goes on investigating. The townsfolk are not too friendly, especially that retarded guy who laughs at his misfortune.

Lukas finds Esmerelda’s dad who talks about some cryptic shit. Damn it, this whole town needs to be destroyed. Everyone in Padua is a dang inbred freakazoid. The closer Lukas gets to solving the mystery, the more interesting this film becomes. This story is quite intriguing and the movie has a low budget grittiness to it that is actually charming. Bless you, Shameless DVD, for rescuing this title from full frame Hades.

Smoke Break

LeEtta I head outside. I smoke Aslo Black tobacco. The package says: “The Magnificent Dane”. Oh yes, I cannot argue with that. LeEtta smokes Djarum Blacks and drinks wine. I’m washing my pipe smoke down with sweet tea of the Gold Peak variety. The sky is thick with clouds and the breeze is blowing the trees around in slow motion. Planes fly overhead and their headlights light up the clouds in eerie streaks. I try to convince LeEtta that it is very strange outside and we should be very concerned.

“Hellooooo. You look good on television.”

9:39pm

Phantom of Death

Michael York, Edwige Fenech, Donald Pleasence, and a ninja. Fenech is looking good though just a little tired in this movie. Holy crow, this might just be the bloodiest one in the moviethon. A woman gets killed by a sword and she’s a real gusher, I tells ya. Michael York plays Robert, a concert pianist whose girlfriend wants to get married. I am in awe of what I think might just be Edwige Fenech’s real voice. She plays Elaine, the director of a fashion house (YES!) and is falling for Robert even though she thinks he’s a bastard. But his music has a strange effect on her. Robert is learning the art of the ninja.

Donald Pleasence plays Inspector Datti. His assistant mentions that the victims “juggler vein” was cut. Robert’s two timing girlfriend who is way too young for him decides to stop fucking a younger dude named David and come back to him. Oops, too late! She just got murdered in a lovely slow motion spurting blood fiesta. Very nice. Datti’s daughter is really annoying. She plays the flute in her pink overalls. The killer calls him up to threaten him and promise that there will be more victims. Boy oh boy, this is a shit role for Pleasence and he lets it show.

Robert has a degenerative illness that making him crazy as a loon and extremely violent. The doctors say that it is hereditary but I suspect the real cause is Elaine’s shoulder pads. Elaine is cursed by the shoulder pad monster. Every outfit, even her pajamas has shoulder pads. Who does her wardrobe, Bea Arthur? Fenech is still hot as hell years after her days as a the sex comedy and giallo starlet. Her sex scene is actually tasteful this time. Pino Donaggio, your composing skills are kind of annoying. Did you know that?

We go back to Venice just in time for Carnivale that way fugly Roert can wear a mask. The illness is making him age very rapidly and the makeup on York is actually really good with its insanely exaggerated liver spots, wrinkles and rotting teeth. It is quite nasty. Robert wants to get caught but the rage inside him is too great. He has to go on killing. Trust me, I know the feeling.

Datti catches Robert but lets him go because he looks too old to be the killer. Clearly Donald Pleasence does not give a triple fuck about this role. Robert confronts Elaine and reveals his secret. Her revulsion when she realizes the truth is very convincing. Damn it, Fenech can freakin’ act! Okay, Donaggio, that closing theme is pretty awesome. Dude pisses me off. How dare he get all good and stuff after I’ve been dogging him this whole time?

“It’s been a long time since I’ve talked with anyone sane.”

11:14pm

The House with the Laughing Windows

Talk about transcending the genre. We are at the last movie of Giallo Meltdown 3 and holy fuck, it’s a masterpiece. Director Pupi Avati created this masterpiece in 1976, that magical year. Later he would go on to direct Zeder, one of the greatest Italian horror films of all time. But that’s for another moviethon. This movie is an eccentric and legitimately frightening piece of work. I will not be able to do this one justice here. Don’t go another day without watching this film.

Stefano (played by Lino Capolicchio of The Bloodstained Shadow) is hired to restore a disturbing fresco of St. Sebastian by Legnani, a mad painter. The town where the fresco is located is a dead place where everyone seems like they’re in shock, surprised to still be alive and walking around. On his first day there, he is warned to go away by a frightening voice on the phone. I really like Capolicchio. His part is well written and very well played. Stefano’s myopic friend Antonio (Giulio Pizzirani) tries to tell him a strange story but is so paranoid that he can barely get through it.

Stefano hooks up with the town slut (who looks like a leftover Fellini character) for a lazy afternoon shag. Damn it, this movie is very strange. There is something very dreamlike going on here. Everything is quaint but very weird when he first comes to this sick little town. Pretty soon, the dream will turn into a nightmare. Nope, I’m not going to delete that last cheesy ass sentence. His buddy Antonio ends up dead but our hero doesn’t get the hint and doesn’t hightail it out of town like we know he should.

Stefano gets mixed up with Lidio (played by Pietro Brambilla), this sadistic little freak who acts as his guide around town. No one scares me more than him. The landlady gives away Stefano’s room so he has to get a room in the an old spooky house just outside of town. There is a conspiracy of silence in this shitbox town. These freaks have some terrible secret they are covering up.

Dang, this is one creepy ass movie. There are always footsteps, voices, and odd things happening n the dark. While exploring his new digs, he finds the coolest tape recorder ever made. On the tape is the voice of the mad painter describing his colors and death. His colors. And death. And purity. Colors in his veins. Purity and- You get the idea. The feeling of dread grows more powerful with every scene.

Stefano finally meets the lovely Francesca (played by Francesca Marciano), the new teacher at school (the slut moved out and left town by the way), and she shows him her refrigerator full of snails. The restoration of the painting reveals two murderous female figures torturing St. Sebastian. He thinks that Legnani used someone as models for these characters but no one knows shit. The kindly but tight-lipped priest is played by Eugene Walter, who was the ludicrously gay waiter in The Black Belly of the Tarantula.

A sweet romance between he and Francesca blossoms. After they make love, they come to their senses and leave this crazy town forever. Just kidding, you know this shit ain’t over. Stefano is obsessed just can’t leave the mystery alone. LeEtta has gone off to bed but not without expressing her desire to watch Laughing Windows again some time. Now it’s just me, the cats, and the killer. We are all fucking doomed. Coppola (played by Gianni Cavina), the town drunk and roustabout is the only one willing to help Stefano but there is much danger ahead.

Just like a nightmare, things change and can never be put back. People disappear, clues disappear. There is something at work behind the scenes. Stefano discovers that the two figures in the painting were the mad painter’s sisters. In order for him to paint death more realistically, they killed for Legnani. The evil bitches spurred him on and he became more and more insane. It culminated with the painter setting himself on fire and running off into the woods, never to be seen again. Which is actually a pretty funny scene. How did the townspeople lose the guy? He was on fire… in the middle of the night!

Stefano is completely possessed by the mystery of Legnani now. He can’t just walk away now. He’s too close to it now. Francesca is scared so he agrees to leave with her. Before they catch the morning train out of town, Stefano has to check one more thing. JUST ONE MORE THING! What could possibly go wrong? Despite being threatened by townspeople to keep his mouth shut, Coppola leads Stefano to where the bodies are buried. Meanwhile, that little shit retard Lidio stops by to rape Francesca while Stefano is away.

The House with the Laughing Windows finally reveals itself and I’m getting freaked out. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this film and it still makes me uneasy and depressed. I adore it! Once the veil is lifted and Stefano sees things the way they really are, it is even worse than he suspected. He brings in the help of the authorities but it’s too late, the evidence is gone. Now it is just Stefano, the killers, and a town full of cowardly people who have turned their backs on the past. I am now eternally unsettled.

Conclusion

The day I watched my first giallo (Deep Red), I ceased being normal (which is arguable since I can’t really say how “normal” I was to begin with). Now I’m an even weirder duder because this is easily the most bizarre of the Giallo Meltdowns so far. Days off. Some people take them to catch up on "Battlestar Galactica" and some go Boogie boarding. Me? I use them to recover from moviethon hangovers.

The best outcome of this moviethon was the yellow reverie I was in for days and days afterwards. Some moviethons end very depressingly (like BAVADOOM) and some end in painful madness (the first Giallo Meltdown) but the effects of Giallo Meltdown 3 were different. For at least a week after I woke up on Monday morning, I felt as though I had done something really important. The world looked good and suspicious and my heart was light even with all the straight razors lodged in the ventricles. This will happen again, by God, I promise you, this will happen again.

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