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Giallo Meltdown: Part 3 (Sunday & Monday
Morning)
by
Richard
Of DM
Jump to
Friday or
Saturday
8:59am
Preparations (Sunday)
Somehow I manage to wake up and start getting ready
for the final day of the Moviethon. Everything is a blur until my
breakfast sandwich and a Coke at Bob
Evans. This sandwich is composed of sausage, an egg, two kinds of cheese,
and mustard (that’s my addition) on a bun. I’m totally spaced out and my
head and eyes are still sore from yesterday. In order to get me back on
track, LeEtta and I go to 7-11 where I get a Java Monster Big Black energy
drink for my troubles.
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“I’m back, Kitty… And I’m going to kill you!”
10:26am
13. The Red Queen Kills 7 Times
LeEtta chooses very, very well from the black glove
as
The Red Queen Kills 7 Times is a classic. Everyone should run out and
by the NoShame DVD immediately. Bruno Nicolai’s soundtrack is haunting and
infectious. Any film with Barbara Bouchet and Marina Malfatti playing
sisters is priceless in my book. Unfortunately, the lead in this one
leaves a lot to be desired. Ugo Pagliai is Martin, our
bland hero, and let
me tell you, this guy is no George Hilton.
Ah yes, our fashion models. And I also like that
Freddie Mercury took a
break from Queen in order to play the police inspector. I’m just kidding,
the guy under that unfortunate mustache is Marino Masé and he can’t
protect you. That’s what I love about this film. It just feels as though
nowhere is safe. The Red Queen could strike at any time, even in broad
daylight. Sorry kids, your
unholy apartment décor and your
giant
sunglasses will not save you this time.
Beware the minor spoilers in this paragraph. I swear I'm not trying to spoil the film for you. Oh man, what is with that freaky
effeminate junkie? Oops, he’s dead.
Although Martin’s wife gets the best
death scene in the movie, our rapist
blackmailer junkie definitely tries to show her up with his exit. Model
turned B-movie queen, Sybil Danning, is scorchingly hot in this one even
though she has plenty of sexy competition from Bouchet and Malfatti.
What I want to know is how in the hell they pulled off that watery dungeon
number in the climax? I think that is the most expensive
setpiece I’ve
ever seen in a Giallo. The gothic setting in the German castle is one
thing but that flooding sequence must have set the production company back
a few bones. The only thing more elaborate is the nutty denouement with
about 49 different twists. Geez, that’s a great ending. I start dancing to
the closing credit music and then reach into the black glove to find that
I’ve chosen
The Night Evelyn Came Out Of Her Grave. YES!
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“A lot of men like strange games.”
12:14pm
14. The Night Evelyn Came Out Of Her
Grave
Chalk it up to happy coincidence or to my poor
shuffling but the next film comes in the same double DVD set as
The Red
Queen Kills 7 Times. Emilio Miraglia, you retired (or died) much too soon.
To give you an idea how much I love this film, this is my third time
owning a copy of it. First, I bought it on a whim on one of those bargain
horror collections. I loved it and after I discovered it was blatantly
censored, I bought it again when the Eclectic DVD came out. That turned
out to be a disaster so I jumped at the chance to get the NoShame DVD.
Anthony Steffen is pretty fearless in this film. His character, Lord Alan
Cunningham, is such a piece of shit. It took me a couple of times before
it really sunk in that the guy is a dang serial killer. Well, with friends
like Dr. Timberlane (Giacomo Rossi-Stuart) and
Cousin George (Enzo
Tarascio), it’s no wonder Lord Alan has gone off the
deep end. Watch out,
ladies, he’s a hair puller. Ouch. Hey look, Erika Blanc is doing a strip
tease in a
coffin! Classy.
Marina Malfatti… AGAIN? Damn, she’s all over
this Moviethon.
This truly wacky flick has albino maids and the brutal death of the
wheelchair-bound Aunt Agatha which is probably my favorite
death scene in
the entire Giallo genre. My reheated Chinese food from last night hits the
spot perfectly and I’m thinking that composer Bruno Nicolai must have
gotten his first Echoplex when he was writing the music for this one. Uh
oh, we’re getting all twisty here.
There is a
genre defining moment in this one. If I tell you what the
hell’s going on, it’ll spoil the whole dang thing. You’ll just have to see
this one for yourself, folks. The ending just leaves me shrugging my
shoulders and going: “All’s well that ends well, I guess.” Knowing that
life can’t get much better than this, LeEtta chooses
Killer Nun from the
glove.
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“Oh, come on. Look this way. Sister Gertrude is just dying to make love to
you.”
1:56pm
15. Killer Nun
It still surprises me that this is one of LeEtta’s
favorites. It certainly is a memorable and sacrilegious piece of trash
that is as much of a Nunsploitation film as it is a Giallo.
Anita Ekberg
is really slumming it up this time but at least it’s better than
French
Sex Murders. The denture smashing scene is probably the funniest/cruelest
thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Joe Dallesandro, the man of my dreams, is here
and is (thankfully) dubbed but I swear I can still hear his horrendous voice in
my head. Oh well, the super
hot Paola Morra is here to take the pain away.
Ekberg’s performance as the troubled Sister Gertrude is pretty amazing.
She commits more acts of nunly malfeasance than you can imagine. She goes
from slutty nun to junky nun to
lesbinun and I couldn’t ask for more. My
God, this movie teeters on the brink of destruction. I don’t know how it
manages to stay together. Luckily, there’s a cast of
weirdos to keep
things from getting dull.
Woops, what was I just saying? LeEtta just woke me up. I think I missed
about 15 minutes there. Instead of being pissed off about dozing off, I
actually feel completely refreshed. Ah, look at that, I’m awake in time
for an amazingly
evil murder. Everything goes back to being really
strange
and laughable almost immediately. Now there’s a potentially evil scene: a
crippled man getting kicked to death. Too bad it is so poorly staged that
it isn’t the least bit effective. You know, LeEtta may be on to something.
This definitely gets better with repeat viewings.
Read the
full review.
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“If you can’t play ping pong, don’t get mixed up in politics!”
3:25pm
16. Who Saw Her Die?
I reach into the glove and pick this little gem.
Who
Saw Her Die? comes from director Aldo Lado, the guy who brought us the
excellent
Short Night Of The Glass Dolls and the derivative
Night Train
Murders. This unsettling and
atmospheric film is definitely his finest
hour in genre cinema. The child murder angle of the film is sad and affective
but this very unique film somehow remains entertaining.
Okay, let’s not give Franco (played by
George Lazenby) the
father-of-the-year award. Franco’s doomed daughter, Roberta, is played by the
princess of Italian horror:
Nicoletta Elmi. This little girl (who gives
LeEtta the creeps) had roles in some major Italian horror classics like
Argento's
Deep Red and
Mario Bava's
Bay Of Blood.
Ah, it sure is nice to see
Anita Strindberg again.
It’s hard to keep track of all the
eccentric and perverse characters in
Who Saw Her Die? Although I have no trouble keeping track of
Dominique Boschero. It seems that Venice is beautiful but it’s also a terrible and
dangerous place. Don’t ever go there. Ennio Morricone puts together one of his
finest scores here. The choral pieces nearly steal the show completely. A
great ending is nearly ruined by the crappy last minute revelation.
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5:00pm
Cigar Break
LeEtta and I head out for some fresh air. Of course,
my fresh air is tainted by an awful cigar. I picked up a Macanudo but it is really
shitty. The flavor of the tobacco is hidden under a mask of preservatives.
Good thing I got it for free. We walk around the lake looking at the birds
and the beginnings of dusk. I’m actually in a lot of pain tonight. My
brain feels like a balloon rubbing against the inside of my skull and my
eyes are starting to recede. Something has gone wrong.
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“Don’t thank me just yet. Wait until I try and make it with you and you
find out what a bastard I am.”
5:51pm
17. The Case Of The Case Of The Bloody Iris
LeEtta picks this out of the black glove and my
spirits are uplifted. If you’re thinking of getting into these films then
start right here. The thing is, if you don’t like
The Case Of The Bloody Iris then
something is very wrong with you. This is my favorite Giallo of all time. It is
cool, garish,
silly, and totally
irresponsible entertainment. This was my first
encounter with the power team:
Edwige Fenech (in a chic sailor suit or
something) and
George Hilton.
This film has the gayest of
gay stereotypes and the
dumbest of cops. It
also has the loveliest of ladies with the goofy
Marilyn and the bewitching
Mizar (played by Carla Brait). Hell, the cast even includes
Luciano
Pigozzi and
Maria Tedeschi.
The Case Of The Bloody Iris
is completely guiltless trash and even features a hippie sex cult. I’m
amazed by how much I love this film and I'm barely ready for the next one
when LeEtta randomly picks
Nothing Underneath.
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“Okay, okay. If you're not having fun, I've got another idea. How about a
little roulette?”
7:29pm
18. Nothing Underneath
This title is totally alien to me. This film
appeared pretty late on the scene. There weren’t many Giallos being
produced by
1985 so I’m surprised that this one is as good as it is.
Perhaps, my rock bottom expectations are helping. Whoa, these actors… It
seems as though the director went for Z grade American actors instead of B
grade Europeans. Our hero, Bob, is played by Tom Schanley. He’s okay but
pretty
stiff. Well, we’ve got Donald Pleasence at a Wendy's
salad bar. That’s
something!
The camerawork is very good and there is quite a bit of panache to be
found in this low budget production. There are plenty of fashion
models to
keep things interesting. Director Carlo Vanzina knows enough to put the
classic imagery into the film but neglects to hold back on the
cheese.
Watch out for that
scissors-wielding maniac. Holy shit, that ending is
perfect. Haunting and brutal. Too bad the setup was lacking.
Get this on DVD from
Super Happy Fun.
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“For a murderer, he sure has a great face.”
9:11pm
19. The Case Of The Scorpion’s Tail
Another one from Sergio Martino? I sure hope that
some of the money I’ve spent on these DVDs makes it to his grandkids’
college fund or something. I’m starting to feel oddly elated like maybe
things are picking up. Oops, never mind what I just said. That pathetic
fake ass
airplane just blew up.
George Hilton is back with us but his
voice actor sucks. Evelyn Stewart is back with a vengeance (for a little
while anyway). Surprise, surprise! Anita Strindberg is our heroine.
This plot is running circles around me. That
weird woman looks familiar to
me. Oh wait, it’s Janine Reynaud of Jess Franco’s Succubus (among other
things). Bless you, sweet internet. There’s
Luigi Pistilli yet again as
another police inspector. And Alberto de Mendoza (from
The Strange Vice Of
Mrs. Wardh) plays Interpol agent John Stanley, my secret hero.
I’m starting to have serious doubts about
The Case Of The Scorpion’s Tail.
It’s not that the movie is bad it’s just that its timing in the Moviethon
could not have been worse. I can’t get a hold on this one. My belief in
the powers of Anita Strindberg is getting me through. There’s also some
beautiful
lighting, a couple scenes of grisly
violence, and a pair of bad
sunglasses helping me along. I don’t think I’ll ever leave a movie playlist up to chance ever again. Having said that, I ask LeEtta to pick
the next film from the black glove.
Read the
full review.
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“And you up there? You think you’re dancing? You’re a herd of elephants!”
10:45pm
20. The Dead Are Alive
The film starts and complete chaos breaks out.
LeEtta and I have seen a lot of things in this Moviethon but never has a
film taken us to this point: we don’t have a fucking clue what is going
on! Sitting through this Eurovista DVD is going to be a challenge. There
are some scenes missing and it isn’t helping us get a grip on things.
Plus, the plot seems to be meandering or purposefully trying to screw us
up. An obtuse Giallo?
The Dead Are Alive or “The Etruscan Kills Again” comes from Armando Crispino, the man who directed one of my favorite guilty pleasure Giallos,
Autopsy. This film… well, this might be genius or idiocy, I can’t tell.
During a POV stalking sequence, LeEtta says, “That is one KILLER point of
view.” And I realize that Giallo Meltdown has driven her completely
insane. For some reason, I’m starting to get chills and a general good
feeling about
The Dead Are Alive.
I’m asking you, the Gods of the DVD underworld to restore this film. And
you, dear reader, if you have a better copy of
The Dead Are Alive, then
hook me up. Aw, look, they were too cheap for a man-sized
J&B bottle. They
must have been on a really tight budget.
Ugh, our leading man is Alex Cord?
This guy is awful. Plus, I’ve never
liked
John Marley. He does have
Irene, his hot secretary. Wait, we’re gonna be okay because Enzo Tarascio is here as the detective. That’s right, it’s
Cousin
George from
The Night Evelyn Came Out Of Her Grave. If I’m not mistaken,
there’s a familiar face among those dancers. Hell, I think that it’s
an uncredited
Carla Brait
from
The Case Of The Bloody Iris.
I was right, it’s starting to work. I’m nostalgic for this film and I’ve
never seen it before. This is one of those 4 in the morning half-forgotten
memory movies that have always haunted me yet it’s totally new. There’s
something important going on here. This movie, despite being shoddily
plotted, is still beautiful enough and
odd enough so that everything
just
works. I can’t do it. I can’t sit through another movie. My brain is
throbbing and I’m just so nauseous right now.
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12:37am
Final Thoughts (Sunday) And The End (Kind
Of)
I feel like I’m going to die. I cannot look at the
TV anymore. Everything is so funny now. I go outside to unplug the
Christmas lights and it strikes me how hilarious the sky is. It is cool
out tonight and the crisp air is almost tricking me into thinking I’ve got
a couple more hours left in me. The moon is up and all of the sidewalks
are brimming with invisible murderers. I hold onto the railing of my patio
and just laugh and laugh. Why won't Luciano Pigozzi make a cameo in my life?
My cackling brings tears to my eyes and all I want is to solve a mystery.
I’m sure there’s a killer with a straight razor out there, somewhere, who is just trying to work
an inheritance scam by slaughtering a bunch of seemingly random people and he/she needs to be caught before it’s too late.
I’m sure there’s a rooftop chase with George Hilton or maybe someone is
manhandling Edwige Fenech. For God’s sake, someone get through to Anita
Strindberg, she doesn’t know that the killer is none other than-
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"No, I want to feel the trembling flesh in my hands
as I squeeze the life out of the body."
10:10am
The Fifth Chord & The Conclusion (Monday Morning)
I can’t quite articulate how happy I am that we took
the day off of work today. I've got a Giallo hangover and we need a cooling off movie. In order to
subvert our random system, I abandon the glove and choose
The Fifth Chord.
While not my favorite of all time or anything, this is probably the most
perfect Giallo ever made.
Franco Nero,
Renato Romano,
Rosella Falk, and a bunch of other
familiar faces come to bid farewell to this Giallo Moviethon.
Well, at least we get to see the most
ridiculous sunglasses
ever worn by a human being. Luigi Bazzoni's
The Fifth Chord
has more
style than it knows what to do with and occasionally the world
turns into this gorgeous
blue-tinted nightmare. And just listen to that. Ennio Morricone provides
us with such a great note to end on. God damn, that was amazing. This
Moviethon is over, y'all.
I feel defeated, you know? I had 28 films I wanted to watch but only got
to view 21. This is the longest Moviethon
I've had so far, so that's something, right? I even beat out
Doomed Fulci-Thon. Could there be a sequel? Giallo
Meltdown 2? Giallocalypse? Oh, it’s very likely. There are just so many more
titles left. I really wanted to end on
My Dear Killer
(featuring George Hilton with a sweet mustache) or (the awkward Mimsy Farmer vehicle) Autopsy. The
final body count for Giallo Meltdown is around
143. Eh, it could have been so many more. This ain't over.
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