“Milk is good for you. It gets your corpsuckles going. Especially after a strenuous evening.”

Andrea Bianichi, you magnificent bastard, what have you done? I don’t know who’s more dangerous, the horrible fat man with the blow-up doll or the motorcycle jumpsuit-clad killer. What I do know is that this sex-obsessed flick lives up to its title and the final wrap-up is one of the greatest moments ever committed to film. Sorry about the butt sex threat, duder.

-------------------------------------

6:15pm

Cigar Break, Etc.

LeEtta returns from her social engagement and we both run outside from some fresh evening air. While we are in front of our apartment building stretching, I start singing and dancing to the theme song of Strip Nude For Your Killer. Just as we’re about to go back inside, our friend Shelly arrives with her own bottle of J&B and some smokes. We retreat to the patio where I light up an amazing Tatuaje cigar. After that, we order some Chinese food (that takes nearly two hours to arrive!) and Shelly picks Eyeball from the black glove.

-------------------------------------

“It’s a personal tragedy to realize that I’m not immortal.”

8:21pm

09. Eyeball

Finally, we get to some Umberto Lenzi. Eyeball is certainly an appropriate title but the Italian one (which I prefer) roughly translates to "Red Cats In A Glass Maze". Even more odd is that my copy has the opening titles referring to the film as "The Secret Killer". Here we find yet another sweet score from Bruno Nicolai. The theme of which bores into your skull, finds a warm and squishy spot, and never leaves.

This entertaining little gem has got it all: J&B, ridiculous lesbian stereotypes, an entire cast of nutty red herrings (until they get killed), and even George Rigaud as a priest. Rigaud showed up in about 7 or 8 Giallos during his career. Mmmm… Martine Brochard. I have a huge crush on this chick but LeEtta and Shelly are sickened by how pasty and skinny she is. I do agree that she needs a sammich especially after I see that her boobs look like they’re about to roll off her ribcage. We are all intrigued by the lovely Naiba.

It’s no Seven Blood-Stained Orchids (my favorite) but Eyeball is one of Umberto Lenzi’s most entertaining Giallos. There is a plethora of eye violence and one victim’s body is devoured by pigs! Okay, the movie suggests that her body was eaten by oinks but you don’t really get to see that unfortunately. It’s just another moment of confusion in this very convoluted plot. LeEtta reaches into the glove and randomly selects A Blade In The Dark.

Read the full review.

Get the DVD from Shocking Videos.

-------------------------------------

“Listen to me, music man. Nothing will help. I’m going to kill you.”

10:03pm

10. A Blade In The Dark

While the credits are rolling, Shelly says, “Hey, I thought we weren’t watching any Bava!” I tell her it’s okay because it’s Mario’s son, Lamberto, behind the camera on this one. Mario Bava? Sorry but that’s a whole other Moviethon for a whole different weekend. I’m digging on this cast: Andrea Occhipinti of New York Ripper, the great Michelle Soavi, and of course, Stanko Molnar of Bava’s Macabre. When I go on the lamb, I’ll be using the name Stanko Molnar to keep the cops off my trail.

The first death scene puts Shelly into hysterics and I realize I’m in trouble. You see, what folks don’t understand is that after you have watched hundreds of Italian horror films, you start not to notice how silly these things are. Moments that would cause most folks to eject the DVD immediately from their players just don’t faze me anymore. I digress…

Watch as I sing the praises of the male cast of A Blade In The Dark (or as I like to call it: "Desperately Seeking Julia"). The women, on the other hand, are pretty silly. Their characters just aren’t written very well and the voice acting just blows. One particularly awkward line of dialogue causes Shelly and me to go nuts. When Sandra asks, “This is all the whiskey you possess?”, we pretty much lose it completely.

This painfully 80s film is definitely easy to heckle but I still love it. The claustrophobic atmosphere, the soundtrack by De Angelis, and the setting are all very cool. Plus, the kill scene in the bathroom has to be one of the most brutal in all of the genre. Before this movie can get too good though, we have goofy ass garbage like this: “That’s not a spider, that’s a cockroach!” one character yells as, what is clearly a spider, crawls across the floor.

Read the full review.

-------------------------------------

11:45pm

Short Break

LeEtta did not survive the (mental and physical) carnage of A Blade In The Dark and went to bed some time ago. Shelly hits the road still in shock from the film. With “This is all the whiskey you possess?” still ringing in my ears, I reach into the black glove and pull out one of the finest examples of Giallo: Seven Blood-Stained Orchids. Stupid randomness, why am I alone when this classic is drawn?

-------------------------------------

“Naturally, that's one thing you can be sure of: killers are out of their minds..”

12:01am

11. Seven Blood-Stained Orchids

Antonio Sabato, you’re my hero. Actually, Umberto Lenzi is my hero for directing this stylish and pitch perfect Giallo. This was one of my first non-Argento and non-Fulci Giallos that I’d seen when I had first gotten into this stuff and it still ranks way up there at the top of the heap for me. I find the story in this one to be the least clunky in the genre and the ending is suspenseful as hell.

I don’t really like Bavarian actress Uschi Glas as a heroine but I suppose she’ll do. Some of the supporting ladies in this flick are to die for. There’s the severe Rossella Falk and the always gorgeous Marina Malfatti. Be sure to look out for Marisa Mell (Lucio Fulci’s Perversion Story) in dual roles. Though he’s not nearly as hot as the ladies, he’s still a great character actor with a ton of personality: Renato Romano.

Everyone should watch this movie. It’s got hippies, sexy women, and a nasty death scene involving a power drill. What more could anyone ever want? Okay, so maybe Uschi Glas has redeemed herself at least a little bit. The climactic stalking scene with her where she’s being pursued by the killer around the grounds of her house is just amazing. And with that, it’s time to pick the last film for the night from the black glove. Despite the dull ache that has settled in my eyes, I’m happy to see that I’ve chosen What Have You Done To Solange?

Read the full review.

-------------------------------------

“Real screwing? No way. Not after what happened to Solange.”

1:35am

12. What Have You Done To Solange?

Who has the greatest name of all time? Well, it’s Fabio Testi. Wow. Fabio. Testi. Anyway, the guy is a great actor and his character in this film, Enrico, is such a dick. Somehow, I end up liking him despite what a bastard he is. His love affair with high school girl Elizabeth (played by Cristina Galbó) is hard to forgive when his wife is played by the stunning Karin Baal (who tries to look ugly in the first half of the film).

Oh my God. Look at that little lost kitten. Who will come along and rescue that little lost kitten? And what about that other little lost kitten? You know, the one inside of all of us? Aren’t we all just little lost kittens? Who will rescue us?

I’m thinking that this film is trying to be provocative with its rampant nudity and genital mutilation but its old fashioned morality is betrayed by some of the characters’ attitudes. Is a girl’s life really worth less than her virginity? What the fuck is that about? Okay, so maybe the film is criticizing these beliefs, not support them. Meh, I’m too tired for analyzation. Director Massimo Dallamano’s choice to expose the parents’ and educators’ naivety of the world of teenage girls works quite well.

There is a great moment with a priest lineup that totally goofs on the Giallo genre. That’s about all the fun we get here what with the violence being both brutal and depressing. Overall, Solange is very grim but actually quite smart for the genre. Its message may be as clear as mud but it is a great film with some stark and memorable images. Well, that concludes Saturday’s films.

-------------------------------------

3:25am

Saturday's Final Thoughts

I’m trapped inside a maze of Italian architecture and razor-wielding murderers in terrible 70s fashions around every corner. There’s lots and lots of corpses piling up almost too quickly to count and my only instinct is to watch more films. I’m really not looking forward to waking up tomorrow. I suspect that I’ll feel like death warmed over. Wow, everything ended on a real downer with Solange. Yup. Goodnight.

Go on to Sunday.

Top