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Argentophobia: 13 Films in 34 Hours
by
Richard
Of DM
I’ve been putting off watching any of my Dario Argento DVDs ever since
Doomed Fulci-Thon
nearly a year ago. The biggest delay with this moviethon was that I was
searching for a watchable copy of Four Flies On Grey Velvet.
After I picked up a halfway decent bootleg at Screamfest, it was time for
Argentophobia to happen. It would be nice if Five Days In Milan would show
up sometime. Anyway…
My original idea was to watch all 18 Argento DVDs at my disposal but my
pickiness intervened. I cut Sleepless, The Card Player,
Do You Like Hitchcock?, Jenifer, and
Pelts, because a few of these are my least favorite titles and I
didn’t want the moviethon to stretch too far into Sunday. I really needed
my recovery time if I was going to make it to work on Monday. So, the 13
films were chosen and scheduled, a
drinking game was concocted, and I
invited some friends to participate in the festival.
Immediately after work, to the liquor store we went. I bought the mother
of all Jack Daniels bottles while my wife, LeEtta, picked up some Admiral
Nelson spiced rum and a bottle of Jameson. Then onto the cigar store where
I grabbed two cigars: Cabinet Selección Por Larrañaga and an Oliva Serie
V. Our last stop: 7-11 for caffeine related drinks: Java Monster (all 3
varieties). Our friends, Zac and Stephanie, arrive with Schlitz beer (for
Zac) and Smirnoff Ice (for Stephanie). We ordered 2 pizzas from Papa
John’s (yeah I know, we have poor taste in pizza) and we were finally
ready to start.
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"Now you're going to die! You're going to die. Now, just like all the
others."
6:33pm
The Bird With The Crystal Plumage
Dario’s first. What better place to start? It’s our first encounter with
memory and art. A character has to remember something he/she has already
seen in order to catch the killer. And a piece of artwork gives the
biggest clue to solving the case. Wow, Sam (played by Tony Musante) is
such a dick! “These murders are inconveniencing me!”
Suzy Kendall, you’re such an
ineffectual little sweetie.
Now, we settle into the James Bond section of the film with Reggie Nalder
chasing Sam around with a pistol. There's some wacky ass pseudoscience all
up in this piece. Some nonsense about vowel lengths like fingerprints in
the human voice. Who knows, it’s probably true. This movie really doesn't
hold up to scrutiny in the detail department.
Thank God I didn't make eccentric characters part of the drinking game.
There’s Berto Consalvi - our painter. Zac says he sounds like an extra
from Fiddler On The Roof. Oh yeah, Solong AKA Garullo gets
the nomination for Pimp Of The Year. Inspector Morosini - that eye twitch,
wow! LeEtta points out that the bird with the crystal plumage is a pretty
disappointing bird. And just like that, the first film is over.
Great, great movie. Lame, lame bird.
LeEtta: "There are no killers in Italy. Rome is like Candyland."
-------------------------------------
"I like solving puzzles."
8:23pm
The Cat 'O Nine Tails
Though not one of Argento’s finest, The Cat ‘O Nine Tails is
one I’ve always enjoyed. The film stars Ken Doll look-alike James Franciscus and
Karl Malden (Stephanie expresses her surprise at this). Now that's a job
for a blind man: typesetting a friggin' crossword puzzle. Empowerment or
cruelty?
The sexy French-born Catherine Spaak plays Anna Terzi: a beautiful woman
with
helmet head. There's a lot of details
to the mystery in this film. You know, small things that only a blind
person would notice. Another gorgeous soundtrack by Ennio Morricone. Zac
is totally smitten with the Porsche in this movie.
There’s a great scene in the barbershop with a barber who should probably
retire soon. Hilarious. Argento's comedy is something that I've noticed
but never really remember. Oh snap, a
wallpaper debate just broke out.
Jellyfish? Brains? Some kind of sponge treatment? Bust out the XYY
chromosomes, y'all. Yet another heaping helping of goofy ass
pseudoscience. Add that to the drinking game rules.
Another helmet head, Rada Rassimov (Ivan’s sister!), gets killed pretty
dang brutally here. I got a syringe for your milk, bitch. Anna Terzi has a
look on her face like “Sorry about my boobs, duder.” Poison milk! Poison
milk! And then there’s Gigi the Loser, yet another bizarre character. Nice
lantern jaw, duder.
The inspector is played by Pier Paolo Capponi of
Seven Blood-Stained Orchids. The
guy has one hell of a mug. Karl Malden is fucking awesome in this film but
Cookie's (his nickname) relationship with Laurie is just a little creepy.
Holy shit! Ken Doll just got face-checked with a two by four. The film
wraps up with a great fight sequence and an awesome (though abrupt)
ending.
“COOKIE!!! COOKIE!!!”
-------------------------------------
10:15pm
Cigar Break
I can’t believe that I picked a bum cigar. Cabinet Selección my ass! Zac
and I load up on nicotine while the four of us sit on the patio discussing
things. I seem to remember a friendly shouting match between Zac and I
over Hostel; a totally inappropriate conversation considering our mission.
No matter. Break time is over.
-------------------------------------
"What's everybody got against mailmen, huh?"
11:01pm
Four Flies On Grey Velvet
I’ve been pursuing a decent copy of this movie for years and I finally
found a watchable copy which is pretty much the impetus of this entire
moviethon. We’re in bootleg territory here, people, and so far, audio hiss
and dropouts are our only enemy. Whoa, that creepy Kewpie doll mask! That
is woefully disturbing to all four of us.
Ladies and gentlemen, witness the supreme awesomeness of
Mimsy Farmer. I get all kinds of
stupid over this chick. Her presence gives me an urge to watch The
Perfume Of The Lady In Black. Though most reviewers (and probably
Argento himself) think Michael Brandon doesn’t work in the role of Roberto
Tobias, I’ve got news for ya, people: He’s playing a drummer. You ever
hang out with a drummer? Exactly.
Ah, visions of a beheading. Man, this movie (as well as the camera) is all
over the place. This is my kind of Argento: beautiful and indulgent.
Four Flies was to be Argento’s “farewell” to the Giallo.
Everyone knows it wasn’t but you can see the guy pulling out all the stops
with this one. He’s really challenging the genre here and giving it a
surreal edge.
God is played by Bud Spencer because Bud Spencer is God. He named his bird
Jerkoff. That’s nice. God damn it (sorry Godfrey), how many bizarro people
are we going to meet tonight? Hell, even Solong the pimp is back as the
battered mailman. Then there’s “The Professor” played by Oreste Lionello
(the gay photographer from The Case Of The Bloody Iris).
Speaking of gay stereotypes, Jean-Pierre Marielle plays the hapless
private eye, Gianni Arrosio. Ouch. Vengeance of the gay stereotypes when
Arrosio meets one of his own. We’re all a little ashamed of ourselves now.
LeEtta: "Oh my GOD, he had a fan."
Pseudoscience has attacked for the third time tonight. Images recorded on
a
corpse's eye?
LeEtta interjects: "Oh, come on! What is this, the 17th century?" Oh, the ending is priceless.
So much so that I want to tell you but no, you must seek this movie out as
I did. Obscurity has been kind to this film. It isn't just a completist’s
holy grail. We are all in agreement: Four Flies On Grey Velvet
is fucking good.
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12.45am
Very Short Break
LeEtta and Stephanie have gone to bed. I envy them just a little bit since
those last shots have left me all... Whoa Nelly! Zac and I are prepared
for the last movie of the night, I think. Let's do this. Break’s over.
---------------------------------------
"But I am the proletariat of the pianoforte."
12:50am
Deep Red
Gobin assaults us right off the bat. Oh yeah, it's on. This is where
Argento cannot be stopped. He has finally found his voice and its color is
red. The surrealist’s Rome strikes again with strange corners and
alleyways populated with all kinds of oddballs. Even the architecture is a
character in Deep Red.
Oh, Carlo, you’re so gay. A truly great performance from Gabriele Lavia of
Zeder,
Sleepless, Beyond The Door, etc. And
David Hemmings makes for an excellent
neurotic and sexist hero. There’s a slew of Italian genre actors in this
one and it gets pretty out of control. And that bastard police inspector
played by Eros Pagni! Always harassing the artists.
Then the show is stolen by true Italian horror royalty:
Daria Nicolodi as
Gianna Brezzi. Her presence not only undermines the jackassery of
Hemmings’s Mark character but she also completely steals the show.
Nicolodi’s vivacious is just astonishing. The arm-wrestling scene is one
of Argento’s funniest.
The camera doesn’t miss a thing. Every detail is lovingly filmed and where
are we exactly? Rome? The future? Oh, and is that a replica of the
Blue Bar? Sweet Jesus, this film has it all. The soundtrack by Goblin is a
classic and those music queues are fantastic. The synthesizer meltdown
when Mark is hanging on the side of the building just fucking owns, y'all.
Zac has passed out at the 52 minute mark with his last beer in hand. I'm
dang drunk. There's some scary shit here. An implied presence. Something
you suspect is right over your shoulder but you’re too afraid to look. I'm
going to try and not pass out before the movie ends.
----------------------
2:52am
Goodnight
After grabbing the half empty beer out of Zac’s hand, I shake him awake to
let him know it’s time for bed. I bid him goodnight while I stumble around
in the kitchen trying to clean up a little so that it won’t be so scary in
the morning. After my shower, I finally get to go to sleep or pass out or
something.
----------------------
8:39am
Good Morning
LeEtta and I get up to go to the grocery store where we get bagels and
cream cheese and other foodstuffs. We get back home and see that Zac and
Stephanie are groggy but are both ready for day two. After a lot of water
and some breakfast, it’s back to the beasts.
----------------------
"If you try to close your eyes, you'll tear them apart."
10:23am
Opera
I have to confess that this isn’t one of my favorites. The ridiculous
heavy metal and the wandering and totally halfhearted ending just piss me
off. Having said that, I always like Opera more with each
viewing so it is getting closer and closer to my heart as the years go by.
Betty is played by Cristina Marsillach and such a fine leading lady she
is. Her performance just rocks. I especially like the turn her character
takes at the end. Betty, I don’t mean to be rude but there’s totally
something hiding in your vent. Not cool.
Let the birds sing! WTF? Can we have some more bird violence here? I think
that this is the weirdest (and worst) production of Macbeth ever staged.
Who is that dreamy stage manager? William McNamara AKA the guy from
Copycat. Thanks, internet. Sorry for the spoiler but the duder has
one of the most violent death scenes I’ve even seen. Let's listen to some
hideous heavy metal while
Betty watches her damn boyfriend get
stabbed to death.
The cinematography is fantastic (even more daring than Deep Red)
and the sets in the abandoned parts of the opera house just friggin’ rock.
Daria Nicolodi returns as a real shrew this time. You gotta love one of
the newer queens of Italian horror, Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni (Phantom
Of The Opera, Demons 2) as Giulia, the most annoying
character in the film.
Yeah, that ending really just trails off…
Me: "Rose tea? How about a big cup of gay?"
Zac: “These chicks (Betty and Mira) are pretty retarded.”
Stephanie: "We all took emotional shots in this movie."
-------------------
"How about fixing me something to eat? I'm here and the cat's not."
12:16pm
Two Evil Eyes: "The Black Cat"
Well, GORE-io Argento, you've got my attention. Harvey Keitel? Oh man.
Dario and Keitel. I can't imagine them as a duo that got along very well.
Nice beret, fucker. Harvey Keitel plays Rod Usher, maniacal photographer and
murderer, and is so totally over the top. The whole “MEOW!! MEOW!!!” bit is
priceless.
Imaginary Dario quote: "Here Americans, here's what you like: Gore and
cursing!"
Soundtrack by Philip Glass? Nope, that’s Pino Donaggio. Good stuff. And
then the whole thing goes nuts. Uh oh, looks like the Ren Fest is in town.
Much love for a Tom Savini cameo, y'all. Martin Balsam, anyone? Pittsburgh
has never looked as stupid and annoying as it does here.
Wow, Tom Savini's effects are so damn good here. Zac and I are in
agreement that the meat cleaver to the hand effect is beautiful. Madeleine
Potter, who plays Annabel, is such an odd looking (in a good way) actress.
Oh shit, the schemes that Rod cooks up to hide his crime induce some major
fucking LOLs. Yet somehow, it all comes together for the climax. Nice
tension.
-------------------
1:15pm
Lunch
I quickly reheat yesterday’s pizza and we get our munch on. Back to
movies.
-------------------
"Nicholas, are you here with us?"
1:26pm
Trauma
Ah, finally, one of my guilty pleasures. So very definitely not one his
best but this one was an early Argento in my life. It was the second film
of his I’d ever seen (after Phenomena AKA Creepers).
I rented this sooooo long ago. This movie just weirded me out as a kid and
at the time, I had no idea that this was the same guy who directed
Creepers.
Hey, Piper Laurie, nice accent. Oh man, the anorexia angle. Geez, it's
handled with less emotion than a god damned public service announcement. I
really feel like I'm hallucinating all of this. I’m such a sucker for
séance sequences; the more ridiculous they are, the better.
Finally, Asia Argento steps into the ring as Aura, a troubled teen. A
discussion about nude scenes filmed by her father takes place. Somehow,
this movie has found its DVD niche here, all pretty and restored for
Argentoholics to visit and revisit, yet Trauma also belongs
in video hell as well.
The irritating dumbass butterfly-collecting kid brings out the worst in
all of us. Even the girls start taking potshots at this dumb little jerk.
Speaking of irritating, what is Pino Donaggio’s score on this one? It’s
always distant and beneath the action, never a part of it.
Ah, the amazing Frederic Forrester of Apocalypse Now as Dr.
Judd. Wow, what a dang weirdo. The scene with the psychotropic berry is
genius. Then our main character, David (Christopher Rydell), starts the
drugging. Oh man. This movie does wander. Brad Dourif is awesome as
always. Too bad Dr. Lloyd isn’t given enough to do. I really wish his
character had been a little more substantial. Piper Laurie is just grand
in Trauma and I’m totally convinced that she’s this crazy in
real life.
Hey there, Dario. Hitchcock much? Oh man, we just got DePalma'ed.
-------------------
3:15pm
Cigar Break
Oliva Cigar and another one of those Java Monster coffee things. This time
it’s the Big Black flavor and I’m surprised by how good it is. Dang, I
need them to sponsor my life. Zac and I are chilling and smoking, delaying
the inevitable. I am relieved to have a cigar that is world’s better than
yesterday’s crap.
-------------------
"I have problems, you know?"
4:01pm
The Stendhal Syndrome
Now this is one of my favorites from the man. This one gets better every
single time. German actor, Thomas Kretschmann, superbly plays Alfredo
Grossi, a thoroughly evil serial rapist/murderer. He’s actually pretty
frightening; this handsome and totally buff guy committing these odious
crimes.
Asia Argento really disappears into her role of
Detective Anna Manni. I love calling
my answering machine to see who I am. So nice to know who I am. Ugh...
Marco. God, how I fucking hate this guy. I like when bad things happen to
Marco. It makes me smile so big.
Me: "So what did Stendhal call The Stendhal Syndrome? The ‘Me’ Syndrome?"
Penis envy much? The psychology behind this film is pretty simple, naïve
even, but it works for me. I totally forgot about her goofy brothers and
her comically stern father (the actor that should be dubbed). This movie
has some subtle nuances that just make it even more amazing. It’s so
gritty and nasty and... just plain nasty. It feels like someone else's
film.
Like I said before, Asia is phenomenal in this film. I love the wigs. And
I’m sure no one agrees with me on this point but I even like her voice
actress. Hey, look it’s Cinzia Monreale of The Beyond as
Grossi’s wife! I hardly recognized her with seeing eyes. Ah, poor Marie.
Poor French bastard didn’t know what he was getting into when he started
dating Anna.
Oh, by the way, I'm still watching the old busted ass Troma DVD of this
movie. I haven't picked up the Blue Underground disc yet. I still can't
get over the outright shittiness and incompetence of Troma Studios. Yeah,
I get it. They're a joke. They're movies are a joke and they're shitcan
DVDs are a joke but they could have at least treated this one film with
some respect.
-------------------
5:54pm
Dinner
Zac and Stephanie take their leave of the marathon. They have both been
run pretty ragged so it's good that they make a break for it. Are they the
lucky ones? The Phantom is coming... LeEtta and I make a
food and wine run. The world looks weird. We get some Wendy's and I order
something... a creature… it’s THE BACONATOR!
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"I'm not a phantom. I'm a rat."
6:39pm
The Phantom Of The Opera
LeEtta said this is a fun one and I agree. Fun for all the wrong reasons!
Is this Argento's worst film or his most misunderstood film? Well... it's
definitely uneven. If he could have just stuck with the comedy and/or
horror and skipped the deplorable melodrama (and I normally love
melodrama). There is a great deal of wickedly black and outrageous humor
to be found in this film.
Hey, it’s Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni, that chick from Opera,
as Christine’s maid. I don’t really dig the Baron (played by Andrea Di
Stefano). Get behind me Satan! The sets are gorgeous and the music is
excellent. Ennio Morricone strikes again. Of course, it's hard to hear the
music over the
screaming and the
screaming and the
screaming.
Did I ever tell you that Julian Sands (Warlock) is awesome?
Well, fuck yeah, he is. Lots and lots of rats. And I guess there's no rule
saying that the Phantom has to be disfigured (I've never been all that
attached to the story). Hell, Sands is like a
Nordic god or something (or is that a
body double?).
LeEtta raises a point: The gore in this movie is some of the most extreme
and over-the-top in Argento’s films. Sergio Stivaletti and company really
outdo themselves. A woman's tongue is pulled out by its root, a man is
impaled on a stalagmite, and another man has his finger munched on by rats
to the bone. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
The computer generated sky and the rat catching machine, oh my god. This
reminds of the debacle that is Wax Mask. The dialogue is
cheesed out and so many of the scenes are awkward. With Phantom,
Argento redefines the word decadent. Sort of a chocolate covered corndog
of a film. There really is no other way to describe it. Oh and Asia gets
nekkid. Sooooo... Nekkid.
I have found a new appreciation for this unholy beast of a film. When
Christine catches the Phantom lovin' on his rats... Um... Sweet Jesus. I
should have held Zac and Stephanie and gunpoint and made them sit through
this. Of course, The Phantom Of The Opera overstays its
welcome as the ending plays out like a slowly dying animal.
“CHRISTINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
-------------------
8:18pm
Short Break
We check out an interview with Julian Sands on the Phantom Of The
Opera DVD to see if he can provide some insight on what the damn
hell we just watched. Nothing. Richie calls to say that he and Barbi are
on their way. Two more souls for our Argentonian feast. Word.
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"Suzy, do you know anything about witches?"
8:31pm
Suspiria
Finally, we are here. The home stretch. Oh doctor, I have such a crush on
Jessica Harper. Somebody give that woman a sammich. I never could
understand the point of the friggin' narration at the beginning. Whose
idea was it? This film and Phenomena both have abandoned
narration.
Sorry, kids, but reality is no longer yours. Everything will
destroy you.
Every doorway, every color, and every note of the horribly beautiful music
winds us up. Everything. Suspiria is a Day-Glo red-tinted
trap. It never feels thirty years old. Not for a second.
Are those Dario’s monstrous hands that do the killing? They seem
otherworldly as does the neon red blood. An exposed heart, a woman's face
pulled through a window (take a shot), a throat torn out, and much more. I
love how the witches are feeding off the girls at the dance academy.
Destroying their bodies and feeding off their souls.
I just realized that Suzy Banyan has stepped into Hell. Dance school Hell,
that is. Even the girls at the school are awful. Every moment just turns
into another nightmare. The most mundane scenes are ratcheted up with
tension and strangeness.
And look at that: my friends, Richie and Barbi, arrive just in time for
the maggot rain. Richie brings some Yuengling Lager! You know, happiness is a very young
Udo Kier delivering the fucking
gibberish. When your TV is exploding, you know it's the finale of
Suspiria. It’s one of the most complete horror experiences.
-------------------
"You are being watched."
10:15pm
Inferno
Now for Inferno, the enigma. The weird one. The
color
palette is even more invasive than in Suspiria. None of this
is real. Or is it? Wow, this movie tries to destroy you. Don’t believe me?
Just listen to Keith Emerson’s soundtrack. How come every library doesn't
have an alchemist? This film is definitely growing on me.
Images come by fast and furious. You can barely keep your feet beneath
you. This film is visually stunning and endlessly perplexing. I have
learned to just let it go because the witches have the advantage. Don't
even try to escape. It's already too late.
The ridiculously long death of a bookseller gets on my nerves. That, my
friends, is the creepiest butler of all time. The movie definitely doesn't
perplex me nearly as much as it used to. This is the closest to Lucio
Fulci that Argento ever got. This is Argento's The Beyond.
Both directors went for weird and it all paid off.
Now I’m sure that Argento has a grand design in mind for every tiny detail
and subtle nuance in Inferno but I’ll be damned if the plot
doesn’t just seem like a collection of totally random moments that only
take place for aesthetic value. Are setpieces the only end? The music
queues just seem totally arbitrary. Mark finds a crawlspace and all
musical shit breaks out.
Things start to spin out of control as
Leigh McCloskey’s mustache starts to
drive us bonkers. Who is that nurse? That actress... Is that Martha
(Veronica Lazar) from The Beyond? My God, I think it is! The
Euro-Cult nerd that lives in my brain just started breakdancing.
I still can't talk myself into liking that ending. I’m thinking that
Argento was going for a classic Italian horror kind of a thing or maybe
something even older. Perhaps he saw a woodblock print that scared him as
a child or something. Either way, Richie and Barbi aren’t convinced.
-------------------
12:08am
Short Break
Richie, Barbi, and I retreat to the patio for a smoke and drink break.
We’re getting pretty seriously wrecked at this point. Things get silly but
I have to stay focused. Nothing to do but march onward.
-------------------
"I only drink when I'm on duty."
12:46am
Tenebre
Utter confusion breaks out with Anthony Franciosa riding his
bike on the
freeway. I really have no answer for that one. Even more confusion is
caused when I hint that one of the actresses is transgendered. The
sometimes sexually confused and always sleazy characters just never stop
popping up.
That continuous shot around the entire house; does it help or hurt?
Argento goes so over the top with this film but in a totally different
manner than Suspiria and Inferno. I love how
the brilliant color scheme of the last two films has been replaced with
drab whites and grays only occasionally interrupted by gouts of bright
red.
Could this be where the Giallo and the Slasher merge? There’s something
about the music, the fleeing teenager, the almighty POV shot, and the
overly lit sets that just scream Slasher. Argento still doing the classic
Giallo but with an eye for the trends.
Veronica Lario plays the ill-fated Jane and for me, she’s an
Italian
horror icon that never was. Aside from having one of the most memorable
death scenes in all of Argento’s films, Lario also has the classic
Hollywood beauty that just infects my mind and I can’t stop looking at
her.
I love the misdirection in the park scene with good old
John Saxon. The
whole thing feels like Hitchcock. Dang, that final reveal is so
satisfying. Call me an idiot but I never saw it coming. "A book!!!" There’s
no shortage of blood spilled here. Argento was a man on fire in the 1980s.
The
screaming won't stop. Not for me. Not
for another movie.
(Check out my
full review of Tenebre.)
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2:26am
Short Break
Richie and Barbi leave but they wish me luck on their way out. I need it.
-------------------
"I love you. I love all of you."
2:35am
Phenomena
The next three sentences are totally true. This is my favorite Dario
Argento film. This is my favorite Italian horror film. This is my favorite
horror movie of all time!
Ever since I saw this as Creepers when I was 12 or 13 years
old, I can find no wrong in Phenomena. I can't think about
the subtext that Argento may or may not be trying to convey right now. I’m
too far gone. After years and years of repeatedly watching this film, I
find nothing more in it than total entertainment. I cannot be dissuaded
from thinking of this as the perfect horror film.
That being said, what the fuck is with the heavy metal? This is where
Dario's indiscriminate love of heavy metal started. Good songs chosen with
no regard to lyrical content. Iron Maiden's "Flash Of The Blade" is about
duelists, for God's sake! Okay, so maybe “Ace Of Spades” could be about
anything but it still sounds like shit on the soundtrack and it’s totally
out of place. The rest of Phenomena's soundtrack is
haunting, eerie, and beautiful but it is stained by the inappropriateness
of the two heavy metal numbers. I’m a metalhead and even I can’t buy this.
One of the greatest character actors of all time, Donald Pleasence,
delivers his performance of Professor John McGregor with a
morbid sincerity. They guy is totally
convincing as a renowned entomologist even while he is speaking the
goofiest dang dialogue. Pleasence easily mesmerizes me into believing his
every word.
The scenes underneath Frau Bruckner’s house are truly horrifying and are
bursting with that Italian horror sensibility. That indescribable grim and
claustrophobic feeling I get from the horror films of Joe D'Amato and
Lucio Fulci. Making the most of a deceptively minimalist set seems to be
the trick. The wild plot and the childish logic of Phenomena
go hand in hand. I’m wide-eyed and nodding, taking in every twist like it
makes sense.
The places where this film takes me, these are infernal places. Don't
worry. You'll never come back. Alice skips Wonderland and goes straight to
Hell with about a million creepy crawlies to guide her way. As Jennifer
Connelly is
swimming away from danger and rinsing
off the filth of the corpse pit, that moment, I’m nailed to the spot and
I’m on the verge of tears. I’m so fucking happy.
Ladies and gentlemen…
MONKEY WITH A STRAIGHT RAZOR!
This is the complete package. Horror will never be this good again,
beeyatch.
-------------------
4:29am
The End
I am really going down for the count here, folks. My eyes are swimming and
my body feels like it was assembled wrong. Good night. Good morning. Good
night.
-------------------
Conclusion
The next day I woke up in pain. LeEtta came in with the cats at 9:30 in
the morning and I felt fucking horrible. My only instinct was to watch
more Argento. I wanted Four Flies On Grey Velvet all over
again, maybe Deep Red just one more time, and I wanted to
get to the movies I’d left out of the moviethon. Why did I cut Do
You Like Hitchcock? again? I thought I liked that one. If only I
had a decent copy of Sleepless (stupid Artisan DVD pan and
scan!)…
I was actually saddened at the end of this experience. After
Doomed
Fulci-Thon, I felt totally satisfied. But with
Argentophobia, I ended up just wanting more. All I can do now is think
about the next moviethon. Something even more involved and yet more
random. I need the world to stay looking weird. Thanks to having watched
13 of Dario Argento’s films in less than 36 hours, everything should stay
in its proper aspect ratio.
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Argento Drinking Game Rules
Take a drink when any of the following happens:
A woman’s head crashes through a window
The killer puts black gloves on
The killer caresses and/or fondles their weapons
A limb is severed
Harvey Keitel screams "Meow! Meow!"
Asia Argento gets naked
Someone is killed by a sculpture
Eye violence
Animal violence
Monkey with a straight razor
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