|
by
Richard of DM
----------------------------------------------------------
The trick to a good moviethon is a theme. It doesn’t matter if it’s a
cheapie zombie marathon, a
Giallo attack, or a Godzilla weekend meltdown,
I’ve found that the only formula for disaster is a completely random film
selection. For my moviethon viewing pleasure on a drearily hot Saturday
this summer, I decided to go Euro-Horror.
Greece, Italy, the United Kingdom, France, Germany, and even Belgium were
on my list of stops.
I selected 8 films, many of which were multinational co-productions, so I
was able to trek all over the place. One of the things I noticed was my
lack of Slavic horror titles. I shall have to fix that before I go on
another European adventure. So once the morning’s chores and grocery
store shopping were out of the way, I finally began the Euro-Horror Moviethon
AKA My European Vacation...
----------------------------------------------------------
10:10am – Vampyros Lesbos
“My friend is the Queen of the Night.”
Ah, Soledad Miranda, what a great way to start the day. When the first six
minutes of your film is a protracted striptease, well Jess Franco, that
makes you the friggin’ man! The blaring organ sounds like I just stepped
into an erotic church. Dizzying zooms and staccato editing is just the
beginning. The lazy (though in no way interminable) pace mixed with the
lurid sexuality make this a perfect film to start the moviethon. Is this
even a horror film? You bet your ass it is! I mean just look at that
wallpaper.
Oh man, that is one sweaty and creepy director cameo there, Franco. I am
digging on the fluorescent blood (something I’m sure I’ll see a great deal
of today) and the rampant lady nudity. Thankfully for us dudes, the
character of Renfield has been magically turned into a blonde bombshell
named Agra whose psychotic fits are just dang sexy.
When Miranda as Countess Carody trades her thong underwear with the girl in her stage
act, my wife LeEtta says: “Ew, you can’t share your butt juice with
another girl.” Later, she points out the first film flub of the day: the
countess’s bodyguard, Morpho, shooting at Omar and the doctor through a
glass-paned door and none of the glass breaks. Genius.
Soundtrack clip
----------------------------------------------------------
Lunch – 11:40am
The hunger strikes so I make some Burritos a la Richard for the wife and
I. It’s one of my specialties, yo. With half-digested faux ground beef (I
swear I’m
not really a vegetarian) in my stomach, I’m ready to fire up the next film.
----------------------------------------------------------
12:20 – The Wind
“Why does everybody make me kill them?”
Meg Foster’s eyes are hypnotizing me! And I don’t care how distracting her
jumpsuit is. Wings Hauser is perfectly cast here as a totally loony
murderous S.O.B. Steve Railsback is pretty terrible as some random sailor
who is apparently held hostage by the local police and then given a gun to
go and do their dirty work.
Here’s a moment to treasure: Meg Foster (as Sian) boils a pot of water to
throw on Phil. Once the water is “boiling”, she picks up the pot with her
bare hands! Oh well, it’s no worse than when she finds the shotgun and
wastes the bullets firing her only ammunition into the ground. Why did I
want to watch this?
Sound, lighting, cinematography, and especially the Greek locations are
all superb here. Unfortunately, the bountiful atmosphere is pretty much
ruined by the ridiculously dated 80s soundtrack. This film is pretty to
look at but
The Wind’s biggest enemy is its awful script. Most of the
actors are competent but when they are given such candy ass crap to
deliver it’s just a little sad. All the right pieces for a classic are in
place… So what the hell happened?
----------------------------------------------------------
2:02pm – Vengeance Of The Zombies
“Traitor! You betrayed Voodoo.”
I pray that Paul Naschy AKA Jacinto Molina will help me wipe the failure
of Greece from my mind. This shouldn’t be a problem since the power team,
writer and star Naschy and director Leon Klimovsky, have never failed me
before. Dig that wild soundtrack. I keep waiting for Ron O’Neal of
Super Fly to come
strutting down the street in time with the funk. The colors in this film
are so vibrant and there’s rampant use of slow motion. Did I just nod off
for about ten minutes there? That’s not a good sign.
Among the three roles that Naschy plays here, you’d think that the best
would be Krishna, the Indian guru. But my money is on Naschy as the devil
himself. The unfathomably hot model turned actress, Romy, plays Elvire
Irving, our damsel in distress. Even Mirta Miller of
Eyeball and María
Kosty of
Night Of The Seagulls are on hand to help deliver the sexy. So
this fun and hokey Spanish movie has satanic rituals, a real chicken
sacrifice, AND a pitchfork fight? Thank you, Beelzebub.
----------------------------------------------------------
3:55pm – Terror
“You do understand, don’t you, darling? One has to be nice to so many
people.”
That blood-soaked and synth-laden credit sequence reinforces my belief in
the Brits' magical powers. Trashy, silly, awkward, and totally entertaining, Norman J.
Warren’s Terror is a weird one. LeEtta and I start ragging on it almost
immediately. Now don’t get me wrong, I really like this flick. It’s just
hard not to knock the hodgepodge plotline and the bland dialogue.
Geez, Anne (played by Carolyn Courage), what is your fucking deal? Is it those frumpy dresses or that
borderline mullet? I can’t believe how beautiful Viv (played by the lovely
Tricia Walsh) is. Man, that punk rock stripper chick with the bullwhip
just never ceases to entertain me!
All of a sudden, I wish
I had chosen one of Warren’s other horror outings.
Satan’s Slave, perhaps.
Or maybe even a Pete Walker selection like
Frightmare. What am I saying? Sorry, Norman. I ain’t
gonna sell you out like that. Although I think we’ve hit another lull in the movie
choices.
Read the full review of
Terror.
----------------------------------------------------------
5:30pm – Dinner
The in-laws arrive to take the wife and I out to dinner and we happily go.
After some Italian deliciousness (at Carrabba's Italian Grill), a decadent dessert, and some fine
cigars, LeEtta and I are able to return to the moviethon refreshed and
invigorated. The long haul has just begun.
----------------------------------------------------------
10:04pm – Daughters Of Darkness
“Deep in my bones I feel it, the night is dying. Hurry, hurry.”
LeEtta: “So any movie that starts with a sex scene is good, right?”
Me: “Fuck yeah!”
A newlywed couple, Stefan and Valerie, arrives at a nearly deserted
beachside hotel and fall prey to a pair of roving vampires. It doesn’t get
much simpler than that. This French-German-Spanish co-production really is
one of the greatest art-vampire horror films of all time.
Daughters Of
Darkness astounds me with its lush production and its haunting atmosphere.
This is a rich and challenging though completely rewarding viewing experience
that gets better every time.
Though hardly surprising, Stefan (played by
Dark Shadows alum John Karlen) has become the most frightening character in this film. His
brutish masculinity, aversion to even the smallest amount of blood, morbid
obsession with death, and, creepiest of all, paralyzing fear of
disappointing his “mother” make for a truly fascinating character. But
he’s just one piece of the puzzle here. The actress playing Countess
Elizabeth Bathory, Delphine Seyrig, is so cool and engaging that she makes
the perfect vampire seductress.
Thoughts are provoked and debates are sparked as LeEtta and I dig on this
bad ass film. A sweet and understanding lady, my wife. She has patiently
accepted my lifelong cinematic journey through all the garbage and the
glory of horror and cult with only Spaghetti Westerns and Yakuza films as
her breaking points. Ah, I’m so dang lucky. Okay, okay, enough of the
sappiness, it’s time for a break.
----------------------------------------------------------
11:45pm – A Short Break
LeEtta bids me goodnight and makes her understandable exit. The cats and I
are going to carry on into the night. For the moviethon, Sparkles' (front) new name is
the Baroness Le Fou and Crisco (back) is now dubbed Lorenzo Di Morribünd. Let’s
do this.
----------------------------------------------------------
12:10am – Night Of The Werewolf
“You bastards! I will return from the ashes, and I will turn your world
into a hell of blood and death!”
Paul Naschy makes his second and final appearance in the moviethon. I’m
immediately caught off guard by how tight the production of this film is.
Exceptional gothic sets and solid cinematography blow me out of the water.
Could
Night Of The Werewolf be the best of Paul Naschy’s El Hombre Lobo flicks? It is
pretty amazing that even in 1980, writer, star, and director Jacinto
Molina still refused to retire the old school werewolf transformation
sequences.
Cheap European cars, beautiful ladies, and a smooth AM soundtrack make me
feel right at home. Don’t trust this Erika chick, folks. She is just a
little too eager to explore the world of black magic. I never get enough
of these twisted souls possessed (and ultimately destroyed) by their mad
and unquenchable desire for powers they could never understand, much less
control.
Just like in
Werewolf Shadow, the vampires threaten to steal the movie.
God damn grandstanding bloodsucking undead attention-whores! This film is
actually kind of sad. I’m getting all worked up about Waldemar getting
sold out by his woman. Yeah, I know it’s not her fault but- Oh snap! We
got a vampire/werewolf throw-down, y’all.
----------------------------------------------------------
1:48am - Snack Time
I munch on some garlic bread and extra sharp cheddar cheese while the cats
hiss and fight in the hallway. For the strength to continue, I turn to my
Mountain Dew Amp energy drink which I have nicknamed: DUDER JUICE. What is
DUDER JUICE, you may be wondering? Well, it’s kind of like Crunk Energy Drink but
infinitely more disturbing.
----------------------------------------------------------
2:00am – Shock
“Can I have a dog with long hair like mommy’s?”
Since I started collecting horror movies, I’ve done a lot of forehead
slapping over rash decisions. But no slap is as hard as when my poor first
impression of Mario Bava’s
Shock, caused me to sell it after only one
viewing. That was dumb. Returning to this final film of maestro Mario just
reinforces my obsession with Italian genre cinema. Italy, will you teach
me to love again?
Oh, sweet, leering Marco, get the fuck away from me. This ugly little
kid’s performance is quite unsettling (and irritating!) and the theme of incest is… well…
repugnant! Yay! Daria Nicolodi shines in her role as Dora, a woman with
some titanic emotional baggage. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she is
stunning in nearly every frame of Shock. The sight of her spinning in a
drug-induced stupor and the sound of her screams make me believe in the
Easter Bunny. I will not take the time right now to mention her sweet
little muffin butt.
I start trying to peer around corners in anticipation of that one
jump-scare that is so simple in its execution but never gets old. Did I
mention that John Steiner of
Tenebre and Ivan Rassimov of
The Strange Vice
Of Mrs. Wardh are in this one? What is up with the lousy wig on Daria’s
stunt double? Everything is teetering on the edge but I must hold on. You
will not defeat me, moviethon.
Soundtrack clip
----------------------------------------------------------
3:53am - Grapes Of Death
"You have sores just like mine. You're just like me,
you bitch!"
There’s something in the wine and it’s turning French people into peanut
butter and jelly spewing zombies. Now that is a sentence. Jean Rollin is
one of my favorites and Grapes Of Death is one of the easiest of his to
digest. The images this film is throwing my way are diseased and hurtful
but the synthy soundtrack assures me that all is beautiful.
Brigitte Lahaie turns everyone’s frowns upside down by making her
nightgown disappear. Something amazing
happened to Rollin’s brain and this came out. Look at
Requiem For A
Vampire and then try to imagine how the fuck he got to
Grapes Of Death. It
just don’t work. Trust me. It doesn’t fit at all. I don’t think I should
be writing down my thoughts right now.
This movie might be a fluke or it might just be a perfectly planned
assault on the senses. Either it’s the funky food I ate today but all of
these running sores are starting to turn my stomach a little bit. Well,
I’m not going to France until this whole murderous wine-ghoul plague thing
passes. There’s a presence lurking in the windswept countryside. Something
horrible that will… This is hell.
Read the full review of
Grapes Of Death.
----------------------------------------------------------
5:41am – Moviethon Complete
DO NOT DRINK THE WINE OR YOU WILL OOZE PB&J, DUDER.
Goodnight.
----------------------------------------------------------
Conclusion
Okay, it is now safe once again to drink the wine. But DO NOT, under any circumstances, drink Mountain Dew Amp energy drink. It
didn’t give me any extra energy and it gave me a wicked hangover the next
day. How does that work? So yes, I spent Sunday afternoon (I didn’t wake
up until nearly noon) in an under-slept and somewhat painful haze trying to communicate with my
wife and cats while attempting to piece together my thoughts from the night before.
Looking back on everything, I think I was too hard on the two low points
of the Moviethon: Nico Mastorakis’s
The Wind and Norman J. Warren’s
Terror. If I’d chosen 8 films
that were of the quality and artistic merit of
Daughters Of Darkness
then things would have been mighty boring. I firmly believe that watching
Daria Nicolodi plunging a pickaxe into John Steiner's chest is just as
beautiful as anything that Fellini ever cooked up.
Ah, I wish I could run off to Europe every Saturday
and just get lost in a crowd of zombies, vampires, psychos, werewolves,
and hip Euro-trash duders in ginormous sunglasses. I'd probably never come
back. However, I think LeEtta, the Baroness Le Fou, and Lorenzo Di Morribünd
would most likely have a problem with that.
----------------------------------------------------------
Links:
Get these films
on DVD from
Xploited Cinema.
|
