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The Very Worst Of Doomed
Moviethon
by
Richard Of DM
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As most movie freaks will tell you, there is
a sickly sweet pleasure in watching a craptacular motion picture. But sometimes
it’s just too damn much to bear. Some directors are just intentionally
trying to hurt their audience. Watching a bad movie is like getting a bad
tattoo: it hurts, the wound can get infected, and you’ll regret it for the
rest of your life. I think that’s a stolen analogy. Moving right along…
For any of you out there who might be considering a successful
(non-paying) career in horror and cult film criticism, here’s a good
reason (no wait, ten reasons) to give up now. These reviews should shed
some light on my living nightmare. So many precious hours of my short life
have been spent watching these “films”. The recurring theme in the titles
listed below is that each of them make me want to have an out of body
experience just so I can punch myself in the face.
Part of me wants to throw in the towel, you know? All I have to do is just
turn off the movie and rejoin the human race. But screw that, I’m taking
this one for the team! Most folks don’t even realize the debt they owe me.
I’ve saved all of you and you should be grateful. Um… Somehow, I don’t
think that’s going to turn out to be very profitable for me.
As you’ll soon see, it’s hard to imagine these filmmakers taking
responsibility for this stuff. Yet, there’s no “Alan Smithee” tag to be
found. Oh, if I could only believe that everything here is ironic and that
the joke is on me for seriously trying to assess this stuff. One good
outcome of all this is that my standards of entertainment have lowered to
the point where I have actually acquired a disturbing appreciation for the
levels of incompetence in moviemaking (more on those levels some other time).
Yikes. So, my good readers, go forth and discover exactly what makes my
life just a little bit sadder.
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The 10 Very Worst Reviews
Angel Blade
Axe
Conjure
The Drop
Hatchetman
Intercessor: Another Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare
Nightmare
Zone
Phobic
Shower Of
Blood
Skeleton
Man
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And a bonus double feature of ass
Bonesetter Returns / Final Curtain
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